21. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Jeff

J eff was in that blissful state between sleep and wakefulness when the phone started to ring. Grunting, Jeff rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes. Who the fuck would be calling at—he managed a glance at his radio clock at the end of the bed—nearly one o’clock in the morning?

It took him a couple more rings before he was able to pull himself out of bed and reach the thing. And he only really even tried because of the off chance that it might be Gary.

“Hello?” Jeff mumbled.

“Hey, buddy,” Brandon said from the other end of the line.

“I can’t make it out tonight, Bran. I’m beat.”

“Beat,” Brandon repeated with a laugh. “Yeah, you know, your boyfriend was looking pretty beat too.”

“What?”

“Ah, wow. Don’t tell me he left you hangin’. Quite a story there, I’m sure. Beating himself senseless or some nonsense like that.”

Jeff took a moment to massage his forehead. What the fuck was happening? Was he having some kind of stroke?

“Bran, I’m tired. Just tell me what the hell you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about the Graham Cracker taking on Don Juan himself! ”

Jeff’s heavy-lidded eyes snapped open, and every bit of lingering tiredness rushed out of his system with his next exhale.

“Wait, what? Gary tried to fight Don?”

“Yep. ‘Try’ being the operative word. Or so Gary said. I’m not really sure what happened, but when I saw your beau, I have to say, he’s certainly seen some better days. Face bloody. Glasses broken. Could have sworn he was limping too. Guess Melanie took him home. Or to the ER. Who knows.”

Jeff shook his head. “Gary fought Don?!”

“Like I said, I’m not sure. All I know is that you better buy him some flowers or something. Are men into flowers? If not, maybe a six pack’ll work.”

“Fuck, I need to find him.” Chewing on his lip, Jeff tried to work out whether he should head to Gary’s first or the closest hospital. “Can non-family members visit people in the hospital?”

“Probably not.”

“Damn.”

“Gary really never called you?”

“No,” Jeff said before running a hand over his face. Why wouldn’t he have called? Was Gary worried he would be mad? Maybe he was a little miffed, but mostly because he knew he should have been the one to try to kick Don’s sorry ass himself. Fuck. “Did the cops come?”

“Nah, Gary wasn’t really up for calling them.”

And Brandon had probably tried to stay out of it. Jeff couldn’t blame him. Don was... yeah.

“Okay. Thanks for calling me. I think I’ll try to find Gary now.”

“Jeff, that man would kill for you. Or die for you, most likely.”

Jeff felt a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Didn’t matter the potential severity of a situation, Brandon could never resist a joke. Jeff had to love him for it.

“See ya, Bran. ”

Quickly, Jeff replaced the receiver and then threw on a pair of lightly worn pants he found by his hamper. He sniffed his shirt once to make sure it wasn’t too offensive. Thankfully, it seemed tolerable. Knowing Gary, he’d probably like the smell.

Still in a bit of a fog, Jeff hurried to his car.

He pulled into the driveway at Gary’s house a few minutes later. Every light was off except for the light to the studio. Stomach in knots, Jeff jumped out of his car and jogged up to the porch, then began to bang his fist on the door.

“Who is it?” Gary said from the other side

It took Jeff a moment to find his words. Gary had never not answered right away. Without even knowing who it was. Gary was so friendly and open that he probably thought the whole concept of privacy was overrated.

“Uh, me. Jeff.” As though his voice wouldn’t have been enough.

“Oh!”

Click.

Was that the deadbolt? Now Gary was locking doors? What the fuck had Don—

Every thought left Jeff’s head the moment he saw Gary’s face.

“Hey,” Gary said sheepishly.

Bile rose up Jeff’s throat, preventing him from responding. Poor Gary’s nose was swollen, with a tiny cut up high on the ridge. His eyes were puffy, too, maybe partially from crying, but there seemed to be the start of some bruising. Other than those very obvious injuries (and the messiness of his beautiful brown locks), he looked... okay-ish. Was there more?

“Fuck,” Jeff finally sputtered, pushing past the sour lump in his throat. He stepped through the threshold, reaching out a hand toward Gary’s face. Gary pulled back a little, his cheeks suddenly turning pink. Softening his voice, Jeff said, “Baby, I’m here. It’s okay.”

Gary slunk back. “Don’t.” He hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m so sorry, Jeff. Did Brandon call you? Or was it Mel?”

“It was Brandon.” Jeff came closer, but Gary backed up again. “Why are you moving away from me? Why are you saying sorry?”

“Because I made you come over.”

“You made me? Gare, you never even told me you were hurt.”

“It probably seems like I was trying to force you to come see me,” Gary mumbled, his gaze trained on the floor like he couldn’t even look Jeff in the eye.

“No, no, no,” Jeff said, mustering up every bit of tenderness he could when he spoke. “I know you’re not like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Gary choked out, his eyes now brimming with tears.

“Stop.” Jeff lifted his hand up but hesitated. “Can I touch you?”

“No.”

And then Gary started to cry, and fuck, Jeff wanted nothing more than to hold him.

“No?”

“Because then we’ll start to cuddle and then you’ll push yourself too far and then that’ll hurt you and it’ll be my fault.”

Jeff ran a hand over his face. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“No, come on, I promise that won’t happen.”

“You’ve promised that before.”

“Baby, I . . .”

Jeff’s voice cracked. Now he was tearing up too. Gary was right. Jeff really had fucked everything up, hadn’t he? He’d fucked up so hard that now his boyfriend was too scared to let Jeff hold him. Even when he fucking needed it most. Teeth clenched, Jeff turned and smacked the side of his fist on the wall half-heartedly, barely enough to feel it, but enough to let out some of the rage that had started simmering beneath his skin. How the hell was he supposed to fix this?

“Look, Gare, I really promise this time.” Jeff looked into Gary’s beautiful green eyes, not really sure if Gary’s vision was sharp enough to read his expression but trying to wordlessly communicate his sincerity anyway. “Let me hold you. Or...” He took a tentative step forward and was relieved when Gary didn’t shy away this time. “Did you even put ice on your nose?”

“Not yet. I was trying to fix my glasses.” Jeff followed Gary’s gaze over to the coffee table. “I tried to straighten out the frames, but then one of the arms fell off and I had a spare screw, but I dropped it and now I can’t find it because...” He laughed derisively. “Because I can’t see the stupid thing!”

“I’ll look for it,” Jeff said. “Go wait on the couch. But I’m bringing you some ice first.”

Jeff hurried over to the freezer to fetch some ice. Luckily, Gary had a couple of cubes left in his ice cube tray. After plopping them in a tiny plastic bag, Jeff covered the bag with a paper towel and then came back to find Gary on his hands and knees searching for the screw in the carpet.

“I told you, I’ll find it,” Jeff said, placing a hand on Gary’s back. “Come sit with me.”

Without a word, Gary pushed himself up and stood, and Jeff took his hand and gently led him over to the love seat. They sat next to one another, and it was only then that Jeff finally saw what was left of Gary’s black frames up close. One of the lenses had come out (and was in pieces on the coffee table), but the other was still intact. The frames themselves were pretty mangled. How would they even stay balanced on Gary’s face once he replaced the screw?

He turned back to Gary and lifted up the ice.

“Let me take care of you, baby,” Jeff said. “Okay? ”

“Okay,” Gary mumbled, his face still wet from tears.

Very carefully, Jeff reached out his free hand and tried to use his fingertips to wipe the moisture away. Gary smiled a little.

“Thanks, Jeffrey.”

Jeff rested the ice atop Gary’s nose, taking care not to let it press too hard. Gary let out a little whimper.

“What happened? Where’d you even see Don?”

“I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this now, but I thought I’d try to tell him not to call you anymore. So, Mel took me out to Newton Falls.”

“O’Henry’s?”

“Right.”

“Fuck, Gare Bear, that was really—”

“—stupid?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, I think I succeeded. Kind of. He said he’ll put your stuff out by the curb. I think that was his way of saying he wouldn’t call again.”

“But he punched you first?”

“No,” Gary said. “I, uhm, I pushed him.”

“Wait, you started the fight?”

“It wasn’t even a fight!” Gary lamented. “I pushed him, and then I fell backward, and then he stepped on my glasses. On purpose. Obviously.”

“What about your nose?”

“I was hit by a highball glass that fell off of a table.”

“Oh my God, Gare,” Jeff said, unable to hold back a snort-laugh. “Sorry. I feel terrible, but I can’t believe Bran wasn’t fucking with me when he said you beat the shit out of yourself.”

“I know. I can’t even fight correctly. What kind of boyfriend am I?”

“The best kind.” Jeff’s voice softened. “You stuck up for me. ”

“Barely.”

“Hey, you said he wouldn’t call me again. So, I think that means you won. And you look really fucking cute right now. Hot, even.”

“Yes, my self-inflicted injuries must be so wildly attractive,” Gary joked with a small huff of a laugh.

Jeff’s lips twitched up in a tentative smile. “Yeah, they are,” he said, lifting the ice so that he could see Gary a little better. “Because when I look at them, I see you sticking up for me. I see you taking care of me. And that’s fucking hot, Gare.”

Gary smiled warmly. “All I ever wanted was to take care of you, Jeffrey.” His smile faltered a bit. It pulled at Jeff’s heart. “I wish we could work through things together . I know you want to fix everything yourself, and if that’s really that important to you, I promise I won’t injure myself badly enough to make you come over again, but I... I really wish you’d let me take care of you too. I’ve never ever thought less of you, you know, whenever something... whenever you were scared or...” Gary’s voice cracked, and a couple of tears escaped his eyes. Jeff felt so fucking bad that Gary was crying again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Jeff set the ice on the coffee table and held out his arms. “Let me hold you, Gare. You’ve held me plenty. I need to return the favor.”

While Gary moved to lie his head atop Jeff’s chest, he said, “I think you’re missing the point of what I was saying. I want to take care of you.”

“Letting me take care of you is taking care of me.”

“Okay, but...” Gary craned his head to catch Jeff’s eye. “Can’t you see that it’s the same for me?”

Jeff let out a long breath. Fuck. Gary was right. Again.

Gary nuzzled the side of his face against Jeff’s chest and said, “I missed you. I missed this . I know it’s only been a few days, but I wasn’t sure when you’d ever let us hold each other again. ”

“I missed you too.” Jeff squeezed him tighter and then leaned forward to pick up the ice again. He held it to Gary’s nose. “But, Gare, it’s hard for me to let you see me upset like that. All the back and forth—me okay with kissing and then suddenly not—that can’t be healthy for us either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can see that it hurts you. Whenever we have to stop in the middle of something, I see how fucking sad you are.”

“Wait.” Gary pushed away the ice and sat up to face him. “Do you think when I look hurt, it’s because I’m upset that we have to stop whatever it is we were doing? Like, when you were sucking me off, you thought I was sad that we couldn’t finish?”

“Well, yeah, kinda.”

“No,” Gary said emphatically. He shook his head. “Never. Never ever. Do you know what hurts? It hurts that I can see you pushing yourself too far for me. It hurts that you won’t be honest with me. It hurts that you feel like you have to hide. It scares me too, Jeff. I’m constantly worried that you’ll leave, that you’ll throw in the towel because it’s too much for you. I’m worried that I’ll keep messing up and it’ll push you away. But I never have a chance to even know that I’m messing up until it’s too late. I mean, I wish that whenever you felt like... like however you feel when it’s too much, you’d say ‘Hey, Gare, I need a break’ or ‘Hey, Gare, I need you to stop touching me like that’ or—or whatever. I wish you’d be honest with me. I keep trying to check in with you, but you’re never honest. That’s what’s hurting us, Jeff.”

Jeff’s chest felt tight as he tried to process Gary’s words. He swallowed hard. “I... I don’t know... What do you want me to do? You want something like—like me telling you exactly how you can touch me? God, that sounds pathetic. Or you want to constantly check with me to make sure I’m okay? Gare, that’s...” Shame coiled tightly in Jeff’s stomach. “It’s fucking sad is what it is.”

“It’s not sad,” Gary said immediately.

“Well, it’s not hot. It’s not . . . sexy.”

“I think it can be.” Gary took the ice away from Jeff and plopped it onto the couch behind him. “Watch.” He looked into Jeff’s eyes. “Ask me.”

Jeff cocked an eyebrow. “What?”

“Ask me if you can touch me.”

Jeff’s eyes flickered up to the ceiling. God help him. He held up his hand close to Gary’s cheek. “Gare, can I...” But then he scrunched up his nose. “Nope. Can’t. I feel stupid.”

“Here, let me try.” Gary lifted his hand and let it hover a couple of inches from Jeff’s face. “Can I touch you?”

“Christ, this is so stupid. Yes, Gare, you can touch me.”

Gary cupped Jeff’s cheek and started stroking with his thumb. So stupid.

Gary moved closer and said in a very tender but slightly teasing tone of voice, “Can I kiss you?”

Smirking, Jeff replied, “With that swollen nose of yours? Yeah, sure, you can try.”

Slowly, Gary leaned in and brushed their lips together, his touch so featherlight it sent tingles up Jeff’s spine. He couldn’t help but laugh a little from the sensation, and his laughter broke their kiss. Next, Gary started placing tiny, sweet kisses along Jeff’s jaw.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Jeff said, still smiling. Gary Graham. He was never not absolutely adorable. “It’s okay.”

Gary pressed another few kisses along his jaw, and Jeff closed his eyes as warmth continued to pool within him. Then, just as he was taking a deep breath, he felt Gary’s hand set on his thigh, and the unexpected touch made him flinch a little.

“Sorry.” Gary took his hand away. “I should have asked if it was okay first. I’m still learning.”

Jeff opened his eyes and let out a shaky breath. “It just startled me. But it was okay, Gare.”

“Okay.” Gary gently rested his hand on Jeff’s thigh again and resumed kissing Jeff’s face, slowly moving lower to his neck. With each touch of Gary’s lips, the hand on Jeff’s thigh inched higher, working its way carefully toward Jeff’s crotch. Already, Jeff felt himself becoming hard. Gary paused. “Is... this... okay?” he asked, punctuating each word with a kiss.

“Yeah,” Jeff breathed. “Yeah.”

“Can I...” Gary stopped kissing him and sat up straight, looking into Jeff’s eyes again. “Can I open your pants?”

Swallowing hard, Jeff nodded. “Yeah.”

Seeing Gary fumble with the zipper had Jeff feeling momentarily lightheaded. God, he was so fucking excited. Once Gary finished unzipping his pants, Jeff lifted himself up so that Gary could pull them down.

“Wait, Gare,” Jeff said. “Briefs.”

“Are you sure?” Gary asked.

Jeff nodded. Gary hooked his fingers inside the waistband and pulled those down too. After he’d kicked his pants and briefs off, they both looked down at Jeff’s cock—now completely hard, sticking straight out and practically begging for attention—and then back at each other. Gary’s hand found Jeff’s bare thigh, but this time, Jeff didn’t flinch.

“Jeff, I want to touch you,” Gary said. “Can I try?”

Jeff’s heart fluttered a bit. “Yeah.”

“I will stop the second you ask me to. I promise. ”

“I know,” Jeff said. He did know. Gary’d never not stop if he asked.

Gary’s hand moved closer. “Can you promise me that you’ll ask me to stop if you need me to?”

Gary’s eyes were boring into him, pleading for honesty.

“I . . . promise.”

Without any more hesitation, Gary’s warm hand wrapped around his shaft, and Jeff nearly came on the spot. He let out a whimper—a needy little sound he’d never ever made before.

“Are you okay?” Gary asked in that fucking perfect radio-ready voice of his.

Jeff’s cock throbbed with arousal. God, how was this so hot?

“Yeah.”

Very slowly, Gary started to move his hand up the length of Jeff’s shaft, and within two strokes, Jeff’s eyes were rolling back, his breath catching in his throat. He could hardly believe that Gary was touching him. His perfect, cheesy, cute boyfriend was touching him.

“Still okay?”

“Y-yeah,” Jeff said, nearly too stunned to speak.

Gary was touching him. His boyfriend was touching him, and he was okay.

Pleasure rising, Jeff shifted his hips.

“Still?” Gary asked.

“It’s...” Jeff moaned softly, closing his eyes. “Don’t stop.”

Gary’s hand kept working him, faster and faster, and then his other hand came up to cup Jeff’s cheek. Succumbing to the overwhelming urge to watch, Jeff opened his eyes and looked at Gary’s fast-moving hand. Fuck, this was incredible. Gary was touching him, and he felt so fucking safe.

“Gare,” Jeff said, now locking eyes with him. “ God , Gare.”

Gary was still watching him intently, his eyes never leaving Jeff’s face for even a second. And, fuck, it was the hottest moment of Jeff’s life. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so seen before. It was so... Goddamn freeing. Freeing and beautiful and sublime.

Gary continued to pump his fist, twisting his wrist ever so slightly every time he reached the tip. The sensation made Jeff’s muscles twitch, little waves of pleasure rippling up the length of his body each time, one after another after another, stronger and stronger and stronger.

“Still okay?”

“Yeah, I’m . . . I’m close.”

“Jeffrey,” Gary whispered. “I love seeing you like this.”

Jeffrey. There it was—the promise of safety, of care.

“Gare, can you...” Jeff was so close. He could feel himself teetering on the precipice of release. He was so fucking close he could barely speak. Within seconds, his right thigh muscles started to tremble, his body begging for release. “Can you... my nickname... Gare...”

Gary tilted forward, kissing their foreheads together.

“Jeffrey,” he whispered. “Come for me.”

“I need something,” Jeff rasped, his cock starting to pulse. “Tissue, or—”

Fuck, he couldn’t even manage to finish his thought. With the most embarrassing whimper-moan, he started to come, warm white liquid spurting out, some onto Gary’s shirt.

Jeff’s cock was still pulsing when suddenly, something very cold touched the tip of his penis, causing him to jump.

“Fuck! What the fuck!”

“Shoot! I’m sorry!” Gary sputtered, removing whatever-the-fuck that was. “I reached for the paper towel! I forgot there was ice in it! ”

Jeff and Gary locked eyes again, and then they both completely lost their heads to laughter.

“Didn’t you feel that it was cold?!” Jeff asked, still cackling.

“I was frazzled! You were erupting everywhere!”

“Jesus Christ, Gare! What the fuck!”

“Come on, I can barely see!” Gary covered his face with his hands, though he was still laughing plenty. “Oh my God, I ruined everything. You finally let me touch you and I tried to freeze your penis off!”

Grabbing both of Gary’s wrists, Jeff pulled Gary’s hands away from his face.

“Gare. I loved it.”

“Yeah?” Gary asked with an uncertain smile.

“Yeah,” Jeff said, tipping their foreheads together again. “You made me feel so safe.” Jeff snorted. “Well, up until the end there.”

“Was the rest of it really okay? Was it... sexy enough?”

“Yes. Very.”

“Did you ever feel—”

“No. I would have told you. Like I promised.”

“Do we still have to take that hiatus on spending time together in person?”

“No, but, Gare, sometimes I might not be able to... to finish like that. I mean, I can’t really tell when something will bother me. Not before it happens.”

“I know. I’m fine with that, Jeffrey, really.” Gary went to nuzzle Jeff’s nose with his own, but the moment they touched, Gary recoiled in pain. “Ow.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Geez.”

Gary fumbled to find the ice again, but the moment he did, Jeff took it from him and lifted it to Gary’s nose .

Gary sighed and said, “I’m sure I’ll mess up once in a while. Clearly, I have trouble even remembering my own impairments sometimes. Will you be mad when I mess up? I promise I would never ever mean to hurt you.”

“No. Never.”

“Do you think your therapist will hate my idea? What we’re trying, I mean.”

“Nah. Or, maybe. But I’ll tell her, and we’ll see what she says. No matter what, Gare, I want us to keep trying, though. Together. We’ll try whatever she says we should try. Even breathing tricks or whatever I said.”

“Counting sheep?” Gary teased.

“Yeah,” Jeff said, smiling. “Or that.”

“Jeffrey?”

“Mm?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

“Yeah. Please.”

Jeff took the ice away, and Gary kissed him softly on the lips.

“Radio man, I’m sorry for telling you to stay away. It was stupid of me. I want the two of us to face this together, Gare. If you still want to.”

“Of course I want to. I’ve always wanted to.”

“Okay. Good.” Jeff handed Gary the ice. “Think you can handle icing your nose while I try to find that screw?”

“Yeah.”

Jeff climbed off the couch, grabbed a few tissues from a box in the kitchen to clean himself up a bit, then tugged his briefs back on and started to search.

“Can I take you to buy some new frames tomorrow?” Jeff asked as he ran his fingers through the carpet, hoping to feel the tiny screw somewhere .

“Sure. I can’t believe I’ll have to try to see through one lens while they prepare new frames and lenses for me though. Geez. It could be weeks !”

“I’ll be here to help. I’ll cook for you, make you coffee, whatever you want. Hell, I can try to run that silly radio show of yours too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure, but I’m bringing over some real music.”

“Wow, Jeff, that’s so... that’s so sweet of you. I’ll still help you with that, though. I can talk. I mean, my mouth works fine.”

Jeff huffed a laugh. “Don’t try to turn me on, radio man. I’m not sure I can handle two orgasms from you in one night.”

Gary laughed too. “Sorry. Hey, I know what’ll completely turn you off . Uhm, once we visit the optometrist, should we pick up that stuff of yours from Don’s?”

“No. I think he’s been holding onto my shit so that he could eventually try to lure me back. All of that stuff was lost to me years ago. Someone else can have my clothes and records and whatever else he has.”

“Okay, yeah, that makes sense.”

After a couple more seconds of searching, Jeff found the screw hidden next to the couch leg. He sat back on the cushion and took the frames off the table so that he could try to fix them. Not that they’d ever be what they were.

“Do you still think you’ll try the same kind of frames?” Jeff asked.

“Would you prefer if I ordered something more modern? Something cooler?”

“No, I like these. I love them.”

“Okay, thick, silly black frames it is.”

“I like you exactly as you are, Gare.”

“Same to you, Jeffrey.”

And, for the first time, Jeff let himself believe it.