15. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Jeff

O n the last night before Jeff had to return to work and Gary had to resume hosting Graham’s Flour Hour and Tell Me S’more , Mel invited both of them over for a movie night, something Gary said he hadn’t been able to participate in for a long time. Jeff wasn’t too excited about spending their last completely free evening together with Mel and Ken, but he could tell how excited Gary was. And Jeff wanted Gary to be happy.

When they arrived at Mel’s house, Mel answered the door and greeted them with a grin, and Ken called out a very enthusiastic “Hello!” from the kitchen. After Jeff and Gary kicked off their shoes, Jeff walked over to the couch, nervousness twisting inside him. He still felt uneasy with Gary’s friends. Mel and Ken both seemed so... chipper. Gary’s chipper-ness never bothered him, though. He liked it.

They settled on the couch, and as soon as Gary sat next to him, Jeff reached for his hand. The now-familiar touch felt incredible, small though it was, and Gary must have thought the same, because he was suddenly smiling the biggest, silliest smile Jeff had ever seen in his life. And it made him feel wonderful. Somehow, even though he was so messed up, Gary still wanted to be with him.

“You’re something else,” Jeff said, squeezing his hand and smiling back.

Mel chimed in, “Gary is never not expressive. ”

“Why waste time pretending not to be happy? Especially when you’re this happy?” Gary asked. “Now, come on, that seems very silly.”

“Personally, I prefer not to look like the Cheshire cat,” Jeff teased.

Gary laughed. “Jeff, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the first time I saw you at the mall, I thought you looked a little like a serial killer instead. I’m pretty sure that’s worse.”

Jeff couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Wow, thanks, Gare Bear.”

“No problem, Jeffrey .”

Mel sighed very dramatically. “You two are too cute, you know that?”

“Oh, I know,” Gary said. “Jeff brings most of the cuteness, though. Blame him.”

Jeff kicked Gary’s foot. As Gary kicked him back, Ken came in from the kitchen with popcorn, and for a moment, Jeff’s entire body tensed. Even when he had been with Don, they’d never been affectionate in public. Or even in semipublic. Too many people were still shitty about men who were, as Jeff’s father liked to say, “light in their loafers.” But Gary had reassured him that everyone in his friend circle was cool. And Jeff wanted to trust him.

When Ken’s only reaction to their hand-holding was to smile and shake the popcorn bowl, Jeff’s muscles relaxed a little, and he took a couple of pieces with his free hand. Gary took some too. Seemed as though Gary had been right.

“Can Mel and I have some room too, or have we been banished to the floor?” Ken asked playfully.

Gary shuffled over a little toward Jeff to make room, and then the four of them squished together on the couch to watch Casablanca . It was surprisingly nice to feel like a normal couple for once, and as they held hands on the couch, Jeff letting himself lean up against Gary just a little, he could almost forget about the problems that still plagued him when it came to intimacy.

Partway through the movie, Gary fell asleep, and Jeff slowly let go of his hand so as not to disturb him. Gary always looked cute when he slept—brow furrowed the tiniest bit—and he always made these soft, barely audible snores. Jeff wished they were by themselves so that he could snuggle on Gary’s chest. Not that the movie was bad, but he was kind of tired himself, too. He would have liked a Gary-nap (so far, these naps weren’t as restful as regular naps, since Jeff was still roused whenever Gary moved a certain way). However, he also knew the movie wasn’t too much longer, so he’d make do and just hope that they’d get to go back to Gary’s and cuddle afterward.

A short while later, they ran out of popcorn. Jeff volunteered to be the one to make more, since Mel and Ken looked particularly comfortable snuggled up together on their side of the couch and Gary was still sleeping. Carefully, without waking Gary, he pushed himself up to stand and then picked up the now-empty bowl and headed into the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen, Jeff saw a disposable foil-covered pan already waiting for him on the counter. He turned on one of the burners of the electric stove and held the popcorn pan over the coils.

As he stood there, waiting for the sound of the popcorn beginning to pop, Jeff couldn’t help but glance back toward the living room. Even though Gary was only in the other room, only a few feet away, Jeff found himself kind of missing him already—his touch, his smell, his smile. Gary’s touch... it was starting to feel like home. He made Jeff feel safe. Not one hundred percent of the time—not in his half-conscious sleep state, for example—but most of the time, especially when they were simply hanging out together, cuddling close .

“Need a hand?”

Jeff startled from the sound of Mel’s voice, and immediately felt ridiculous. He hated that sudden movements and sounds still caused him to panic sometimes.

“Nah, I’m okay,” he replied as Mel sauntered over toward him.

“Okay.” But instead of leaving, she leaned against the counter and continued to stare until the two of them locked eyes, and then she said, “So, how are things between you and Gary?”

“Uh, fine?”

She nodded thoughtfully for a couple of seconds. Jeff tried to smile.

“Gary’s really special, you know,” she said finally.

“Yeah. I know.”

“He told me that you went over to meet his mom.”

Jeff turned back to the popcorn and hummed an “mm-hmm” in response.

“He tends to be a little weird afterward.”

“Yeah,” Jeff said, stomach tightening. “He was.”

“Losing his dad when he was a kid really messed him up, but it messed his mom up too. She’s never been the same. I think she really pulled away after that. Gary’s terrified of losing people now. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed.”

“I... have,” Jeff said, tensing from her tone, which was maybe slightly accusatory. Or perhaps she was just trying to warn him. Either way, it made him feel uneasy.

“Gary is someone who will always be there for you. I think his fear of losing people, well, Gary thinks it makes him clingy, but I think it just made him realize how important it is to really be there for people.” Jeff nodded, turning this over in his head. Mel continued. “Okay, this will probably sound silly, but Gary is like vanilla ice cream. Or, I think that’s how he seems himself. Like, I think he feels like he’s overlooked sometimes. And maybe he has been. But, trust me, you’re lucky to have him. He’ll never let you down. I know you probably think there are more exciting men out there, but Gary’s exciting too, in his own way.”

Jeff pinched his lips to keep himself from smiling too much. Vanilla ice cream. God, Gare. He was so fucking cute.

Hand on her hip, Mel said, “Just... be careful with his heart, okay? He’s my best friend, and truthfully, I think he’s probably one of the sweetest men on the planet.” Yeah, Jeff knew that already. “He’s sensitive too. And, Jeff, he really likes you. I’ve never seen him like anyone this much.”

Jeff’s cheeks warmed. I’ve never seen him like anyone this much. He wanted to respond with something nice in return, but words wouldn’t come.

The popcorn finally started to pop. Jeff shook the pan.

“Gary hinted that he thought he might be hurting you or overwhelming you somehow,” Mel said, “and I wanted to add that, yes, I know Gary can be kind of... enthusiastic. But that’s what makes him special. Once you have his heart, that’s it, you have it.”

Now Jeff couldn’t hold back. Because Gary was not overwhelming in the least. He couldn’t believe that Gary’d ever think of himself that way.

“He’s not...” Jeff tried to think of how to phrase it. “It isn’t him,” he managed to say, the sound of the popcorn popping making it hard to formulate his words. “It’s me.”

“It’s not him, it’s you?” Mel repeated, a bite to her tone. “God, you’re not leaving him, are you?”

“Jesus,” Jeff sputtered. “Of course not.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Something happened years ago. I need to... to fix it,” he said. “Or fix me, maybe. It’s not Gary. Gary’s... fine.” He’d nearly said Gary was perfect, but that seemed too mushy to say to someone else, even if she was Gary’s best friend .

Mel narrowed her eyes and studied him for a couple of seconds.

“I felt that way too before Ken. Like I needed to fix myself, I mean.”

Jeff stayed quiet while the popcorn finished. Mel strummed her hot-pink nails on the brown countertop before suddenly opening one of the drawers and starting to search for something.

While she looked for whatever the hell it was that she was looking for, Jeff removed the bloated popcorn pan from the stove, set it aside, and turned off the stove. He went to try to break open the foil when Mel’s hand came to rest atop his outstretched forearm.

“Here,” she said, holding out what looked to be a business card with her other hand. “Don’t tell Gary I had this, but...”

Taking the card, Jeff looked it over. He had no idea who the woman was—Martha Goldstein—but when he noticed the title “Psychologist” underneath her name, his stomach plummeted. He tried to hand the card back to Mel. No way he was seeing some sort of counselor.

“Keep it,” she insisted. “It’s none of my business whether you call or not, but if you think you need fixing, well, it’s probably worth talking to someone.”

“I—no.”

“Just take the card. Think about it. For Gary.” Mel chewed on her lip for a few seconds, like she was trying to work out whether or not she wanted to say something else. Finally, she said, “I know it seems weird, but talking to someone can be really helpful. Ken and I probably wouldn’t be together had I not been open to trying something new. I’d been single for a long time before talking to Dr. Goldstein.”

Jeff studied the card some more. Mel probably wouldn’t like him much if he kept refusing to take it. He wanted Mel to like him. Who knew what the hell she’d say to Gary if she hated him. So, he shoved the card into his wallet and reminded himself that he only needed to take the card, not to call.

“I hope it helps,” she said, her voice so full of sympathy it was making Jeff want to turn inward, to collapse in on himself like a black hole.

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, returning his focus to the popcorn.

When Mel and Jeff returned to the living room a few minutes later, Ken was engrossed in the movie, while Gary was still conked out on the couch. Mel took the bowl of popcorn to Ken. Gingerly, Jeff tried to squeeze into his old seat, hoping he wouldn’t wake Gary, but it seemed his movements weren’t careful enough. Gary straightened up and opened his eyes, groaning as he reoriented himself.

“Sorry. Fell asleep.”

Jeff smiled. “Yeah, I know.”

“I kind of want to sleep some more too.”

With a chuckle, Jeff took Gary’s arm and put it around his shoulders.

“Go ahead.”

“Will you tell me what happened in the movie later?”

“Sure, Gare Bear,” Jeff said, settling back against Gary’s chest.

Within seconds, Gary fell back asleep. And even though Jeff tried to focus on watching the movie, he couldn’t seem to pull his thoughts away from the card in his wallet.

***

Over the next couple of days, Jeff and Gary weren’t able to see each other as often. Jeff had several shifts at the mall, and of course, Gary had his radio programs to run in the mornings and evenings, plus trying to catch up on everything he had missed in Niles news-wise over the past week.

On the third night they were spending apart, Jeff was sitting in his bedroom listening to Gary’s program, missing him so fervently it felt like his heart was being put through one of those pasta presses he remembered his mom used to have. He hadn’t realized how much he’d be missing Gary’s presence. Or, especially and surprisingly, how much he’d be missing Gary’s touch. Gary’s embraces had once made Jeff slightly nervous, but now they seemed to have a calming effect, especially whenever they’d cuddle, propped up in bed with Gary holding him from behind. Even though sleeping had been slightly easier the last few nights without Gary constantly squeezing him, the contrast between the two hadn’t been as stark as Jeff had expected it to be. And that surprised him more than anything else—the fact that it seemed like he was becoming used to Gary’s overnight cuddles too. Fuck, he really missed his Gare Bear.

Chest heavy from Gary’s absence, Jeff struggled to keep listening to the program. Hearing Gary’s voice was making him feel worse. He should have been watching Gary’s show in person. Why hadn’t he thought of that earlier? Why had he been so insistent that he’d benefit from some time sleeping in his own bed? What the fuck.

Unable to focus on Gary’s beautiful voice, Jeff switched off the radio. He’d have to waste the time before their phone call some other way. As Jeff’s mind ran through the possibilities—listening to some records, making himself a cocktail, folding the laundry that was sitting in the basket—his eyes fell upon the tape player in the bookcase. He stared at it for a second, and then he grinned. Maybe he could make a mix tape for Gary. After all, Gary was probably sick of Jeff’s “old-time-y male singers” (as he had once called them), so maybe Jeff could surprise him with a mix of modern crap—stuff Jeff could only really tolerate listening to in the car when they were together. Gary’d probably be thrilled. They could pop it into the tape player to listen to whenever Jeff drove Gary around Niles. Or maybe it’d help Gary’s nerves when Jeff eventually took him to Youngstown.

Heart pounding from the rush of excitement, Jeff set to work, and by the time Gary’s program was coming to an end, Jeff had finished the tape. He knew he couldn’t stand to wait before surprising him with it. So, without even calling Gary first, Jeff hopped in his car and rushed over to Gary’s house. As soon as Gary saw Jeff through the window, his face lit up like the brightest fucking evening star. Jeff could only shake his head in response. Gary was so cute.

When Gary opened the door, he held out his arms, wordlessly inviting Jeff in for a hug, though Jeff kind of wished Gary would skip trying to be considerate. Of course Jeff wanted a fucking hug. Jesus. Hell, Jeff had become plenty okay with Gary squeezing him like a fucking boa constrictor, even while they slept (or while Jeff kinda sorta slept).

Relieved to be with Gary again, Jeff stepped up, letting Gary wrap him up in a hug. He hugged Gary tightly in return.

“Missed you, Gare,” he said, his voice slightly muffled by Gary’s shirt.

“Geez, I’m so happy to see you,” Gary said, nuzzling the top of Jeff’s head. “What made you want to come over?”

“I have a present for you,” Jeff said before pulling back a bit. “Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“It’s not much, but...” Jeff took the plastic case out of his back pocket and held it up for Gary to see. “I—”

“Oh, wow! Did you make me a mix tape?!”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Let me think...” Gary hummed. “Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole?”

“Um, no. It’s—”

“Oh!” Gary had obviously found the track list. “Real music!”

Jeff let out a snort. “Fuck off, Gare. My music is real music.”

“Eh... maybe.” Gary looked up from the tape and winked. “I hope you know I’m kidding. I like your music. More importantly, I know how much you like it.”

Jeff smirked. “I know you’re kidding, Gare. I’m not sure you have a mean bone in your body. I, on the other hand, have many, and I thought I’d better make you a mix of stuff I wouldn’t completely hate.”

“I love that, Jeffrey.” Gary was still smiling wildly. “Wow!” He reached up to touch Jeff’s face, caressing Jeff’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “Thank you.”

“Glad you like it.”

“It’s perfect.”

Gary went back to studying the track list.

After a moment, Gary said, “Hey, can we listen to this now? Together?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Gary had a boom box in his bedroom, so the two of them went there to listen to it. That way, they could cuddle together on the bed too. While Gary propped up some pillows, Jeff had to fight the urge to shove him onto the bed and scramble on top of him. He couldn’t fucking wait to be snuggled up together.

Gary must have felt Jeff’s urgency—or maybe he noticed the way that Jeff couldn’t stop bouncing on the balls of his feet—because he looked at Jeff with the sweetest smile and said, “Jeff, we can stay up for hours if you want.”

“Yeah? ”

“Yeah.”

With the last pillow in place, Gary climbed into bed, and before he was even settled, Jeff climbed in next to him. And then Gary wrapped him up in his arms, and Jeff leaned back against his chest, and fuck, it was heaven. For the next half hour, they listened to the tape, to Madonna and Journey and the Police, and it was hard for Jeff to even believe how happy he was. Over the years, he’d been with a lot of men—sometimes in relationships, sometimes not—but not even the best of those nights could compare with this. Way back when, Don had taken him to Florida, and somehow, that asshole had managed to make the trip romantic—with moonlit strolls on the beach and time together watching the sunset—and still , sitting in Gary’s bedroom listening to mediocre music and staring at paint-chipped walls was way, way better.

Even though Jeff still had so much to conquer within himself, being in Gary’s embrace made him feel like he could, and right now, Jeff felt strong and confident and safe. Though Jeff knew that the storm wasn’t over, in that moment, everything was perfect.

Blue skies and sunshine.

He’d be a fool not to cherish the break in the clouds.

“Hey, Gare?” Jeff asked, sitting up.

“Sorry, was I squeezing too tight?” Gary asked, loosening his arms from around Jeff.

“No.” Smiling a little, Jeff turned to face him, and then he reached up and cupped Gary’s cheek. “But, uh, can I kiss you?”

Gary’s mouth fell open, his brows turning upward. He looked like he wasn’t sure whether to believe it. Or maybe he was nervous because of last time.

Keeping his touch soft, Jeff began to stroke Gary’s cheek.

“You, uh, you are allowed to say no,” Jeff said, huffing an uneasy laugh .

“Jeff...” Gary’s sweet smile started peeking through his uncertainty. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said before moving his face closer. “Yeah, radio man, I want to kiss you.”

“Okay,” Gary said, his breath shaky and uncertain.

Gazing into Gary’s eyes—which were filled with so much fondness—a wonderful warmth spread throughout Jeff’s body, starting in his chest and radiating outward to every other part of him. Fuck, how he wanted to bask in it. Being with Gary, it was like sunshine.

“It’s okay,” Jeff murmured, both to himself and to Gary. “We’re okay.”

When Jeff leaned forward, his stomach fluttered, and the muscles in his shoulders started to tense. He took a slow breath to try to relax. The tips of their noses brushed together, and suddenly, it felt like the skies were starting to fill with clouds once again. Fear trickling in, Jeff nearly pulled back, but before he could, Gary’s hand found his—the one resting atop the mattress—and the feel of Gary’s soft skin, the gentleness of his touch, was enough to calm every wisp of worry, clearing the last of the clouds.

“Gare,” Jeff whispered, slightly awestruck by a sudden revelation. It was so cheesy he could barely make himself say it out loud. But he had to. Because if anyone would like it, it would be Gary. Gary Goddamn Graham. “You’re my sun.”

Gary smiled. And it was beautiful.

Feeling warm and safe from Gary’s touch, Jeff touched their lips together. For a moment, Gary’s mouth was hard against his, and Jeff could tell by the way Gary’s lips were barely even parted that he was terrified of the potential consequences. But Jeff wasn’t worried in the least. He knew he wanted this. Brushing his tongue over Gary’s bottom lip—a small plea for entry—Jeff wondered if and whether Gary would finally kiss him back. For reassurance, Jeff squeezed Gary’s hand, hoping that it would tell Gary that everything was okay, and the second Gary squeezed back, Gary’s lips finally relaxed.

And Gary was kissing him back.

Their tongues connected, and it felt as though one hundred swirls of heat had burst to life in Jeff’s chest. Solar flares continued to erupt as their tongues teased each other’s—again and again and again—and then Jeff let go of Gary’s hand so that he could hook his hand behind Gary’s head. Gary pulled back, breaking their kiss, and for a second, Jeff thought that Gary wanted to stop kissing completely, but instead, he ripped off those magnificently nerdy black-framed glasses of his and flung them onto the nightstand.

And then Gary captured Jeff’s mouth in another kiss, one more passionate than before, more passionate than even the kiss they’d shared in front of the tornado, and to Jeff’s complete and utter surprise, he wasn’t scared in the least.

For the entire next hour, they kissed like that, like the fucking world was ending, and it was the best Goddamn hour of Jeff’s entire life.

Finally, when they broke apart, their lips plump and sore, Gary nuzzled Jeff’s nose and Jeff whispered a soft, “Fuck, Gare, I’ve never kissed someone like that before.”

“Neither have I,” Gary said, still somewhat breathless. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Jeff said, smiling. “I’m perfect.” He kissed the tip of Gary’s nose. “I feel perfect. You really are perfect.”

Gary pecked him on the lips and said, “You’re perfect too.”