25. Kayla

He got me a pregnancy test.

My mind goes into overdrive. Does Jack know about Ash and me? When was my last period? Honestly, the thought hadn’t occurred to me.

I’ve been feeling off since Ash left, but I put it down to the physical toll of my emotions.

Oh, my gosh. What if I’m pregnant? I stare at the soup, not knowing what to say. I look up at Jack and he’s smirking. Seriously?!

He sits next to me on the bed. “I know both of you really well. It was obvious something happened.”

I bite my lip. “I thought we played it off pretty well.”

He scoffs. “I’d have to be blind. The energy between you was off the charts. Plus, I’ve never seen Ash avert his eyes from someone in my life.”

Tears well in my eyes, and I let out a sob.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” He scooches over and puts his arm around me.

I lean into him, and my voice comes out as a squeak. “You’re not mad?”

He pats my head lightly and laughs. “Don’t be silly. I know you can handle yourself.”

I take a deep breath and let out all the fear I had of him finding out. It’s such a weight off my shoulders. I can’t believe he’s not mad.

He leans to the side so he can look at me. “I just hope you’re okay. I hate seeing you so broken up over that idiot leaving.” He glances down at the test. “And I’m worried about your sickness. It could be nothing…”

I dry my tears and roll my shoulders back. I need to face this. I need to know. I look up at my big brother. “Will you wait with me?”

He nods. “Of course. Whatever you need.”

I take a quick spoonful of soup, and Jack looks at me like I’m crazy.

“Liquid courage,” I tell him. It’s the first thing that hasn’t made my stomach churn.

Jack laughs and moves the tray off the bed.

I step into the bathroom and follow the instructions. Once the test is done, I set the strip on my desk and start to pace back and forth as the timer ticks down.

Jack sits still but I can feel his eyes watching my every move. “Just know, I will support you no matter what.”

I continue to pace. “Thank you.”

He laughs. “You’re making me dizzy.”

I stop for a second. “I’m making myself dizzy.” I sit down next to him, and he holds my hand. My heartbeat pounds in my ears as sweat pours down me. I don’t know what’s nerves and what’s sickness.

My phone beeps, and I jump up and grab the test off my desk. My back is to Jack. I suck in a breath.

The bed creaks as my brother shifts around. “What? What is it?”

I turn around slowly. “It’s… positive.” My stomach lurches, but I stand there, frozen. It’s positive. I’m pregnant.

What? I’m pregnant!I keep repeating it in my mind, but it doesn’t seem to soak in. This can’t be happening. Grabbing the bucket, I heave into it.

Jack rubs my back as I alternate between hyperventilating and heaving. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I will help you in whatever way I can. You’re not in this alone. Whatever your decision is.”

My breathing starts to even out. I focus on Jack’s soothing motions on my back and his kind words. In between breaths, I croak out a thank you.

I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant with Ash Northcross’s baby.

Oh God, Ash. He didn’t even want to say goodbye to me. How am I going to tell him I’m having his baby?!

Suddenly, I feel the soup come back up my throat and I lean further into the bucket. After a minute of throwing up, I come back up for air. “Lucky for me, the soup tastes all right coming back up as well.”

Jack chuckles. “Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

I groan as my stomach churns again. “I might lose it if I throw up again.”

He continues to rub my back as I focus on breathing.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should contact Ash. I can’t hear his name without wanting to cry. I’ve been avoiding social media and the tabloids because I don’t want to see his latest hookups.

I’ve almost texted him a million times since he left, but I stopped myself every time. I don’t think this is the kind of thing you text someone about. I’m probably the last person he wants to hear from.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m pregnant and what this means for my life. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I don’t know if this is the right circumstance.

I think of my mom and how I lost her. I would never want my child to go through that. I know it’s a part of life, but it’s something I think about.

My heart freezes and panic starts to set in. I’m twenty-eight. Do I want a kid yet? I always thought I’d be married by the time I got pregnant. It’s a traditional way of thinking, but it’s how I pictured my life.

Would I live here? Would I move to be closer to my dad?

As much as Jack says he’ll be there — and I know he will — I don’t want to chain him to the ranch and the child. I don’t want him to be stuck here because of me.

I always hoped Jack would get back into hockey and go live his life. I don’t know how that would work, given this ranch is hemorrhaging money at the moment.

The money side of this is stressful too. Kids are expensive.

What kind of life can I give a child? I know the community will rally around me. I know Izzy will be there every step of the way. I know Jack will be a great uncle. I worry about being a good mom, though.

If Ash isn’t in the picture, that’s going to be even harder. I honestly don’t know how he will react if I tell him I’m going forward with this. I can imagine him freaking out and thinking about how this will ruin his hockey career. Perhaps that’s just my bitterness kicking in.

From what I saw of him, he is a good guy. He is kind, when he wants to be. He’s grown up with a single mom, and I know he wouldn’t want that to be me. On the other hand, his life is hockey and girls. He doesn’t need to be with me to be a father.

I don’t want him to feel trapped or obligated. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to uproot his life for me. I don’t want him to regret sleeping with me and end up resenting me.

It’s hitting me that if I have Ash’s baby, he will be connected to me for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t want to have a bad relationship with him if we are co-parenting. Even if he wants nothing to do with me, he will always be the biological father to this child.

I’m hit with an overwhelming sense of dread. I don’t know how to take care of a baby. I don’t know anything about them. I think I’ve held a baby once in my life. Babies seem to have so much equipment, so many things — but what do those things do?

What if something goes wrong and the hospital in town isn’t equipped? What if something happens to me because of pregnancy, during the birth or afterward?

I remind myself that people have been having babies since the beginning of time and we have phenomenal doctors and nurses working at the local hospital. Our little town lucked out in that department. It’s just the hormones and fear taking over.

At this point I can’t tell if it’s hormones, heartbreak, or the physical aspect of feeling like crap, but I feel erratic. My mind races with a million different scenarios all at once.

I take a deep breath as Jack continues to comfort me.

I think he can tell I’m freaking out, and his silence is oddly comforting. He’s good at knowing when I need to talk and when I need time to process things. He’s the polar opposite of my dad.

Oh, God, my dad. I already know what he’s going to say. He’s going to call me an idiot for hooking up with a bonehead hockey player. He’s going to tell me I’m ruining my life if I go forward with this without a partner. He’s going to drone on about how hard it is to raise children and get in a dig about what we were like as kids.

I know deep down that he wants the best for me, but he has a different way of showing it.

I don’t want to face my dad or Izzy or the town or Ash. I don’t want to face my own thoughts. I don’t want to decide. I don’t know what I want to do. It’s exhausting to think about. I just want to go back to sleep and not deal with it.

Before I can overthink the situation any further, my stomach lurches and I throw up again.