20. Ash

Much like the moment after Kayla threw the ice-cold water over me, every minute on the ranch now feels miserable and uncomfortable.

I feel awkward. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel stiff, like I’m scared to make a move.

Kayla walks by us. An hour ago, I was ogling her in those shorts — now I’m averting my gaze. I can’t be the guy I was when it was just us two. Jack would kill me with his bare hands. I would end up on one of those murder specials where they detail my grizzly demise.

I turn my attention to the horses and give Jack the rundown.

He smiles. “Look at you. All grown-up. I might just mistake you for an adult.”

I pretend to be hurt. “Ouch, man, why would you say such a hurtful thing?”

He laughs. “At least you got to check out The Roadhouse. It reminds me of some of the bars we went to in college.”

I skim through my memory. I suppose there were a few, but none that had the same small-country-town vibe. “If you mean they had alcohol, sure.”

He tilts his head. “What about the Dune Bar?”

I dig deep into my memory, but I come up blank.

He shakes his head. “Silly me. You were blacked out half the time.”

I roll my eyes. He’s not wrong.

Jack clears his throat and shifts slightly.

I narrow my eyes. “What?”

“Kayla wasn’t too hard on you, was she? She can be a bit rough.”

I try not to laugh. If only he knew. I shrug. “She’s definitely a hard taskmaster, but we got into a rhythm.”

He breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay. Good. She can be tough, but on the inside she’s a softy. She just doesn’t show many people that side of her. I didn’t want her to work you too hard.”

It takes every ounce of self-control not to point out the innuendo. I smack my lips against each other.

Jack looks at me. “You really want to make a dirty joke, don’t you?”

I let out a puff of air. “Yes. So badly.”

He laughs. “Good. I thought I’d lost the real you for a minute there.”

I can barely manage a smile. All I can think about is him saying Kayla doesn’t show many people that side of her. I got to see that side. My chest hurts. I wish I could just hold her in my arms.

Kayla walks over, and my hand twitches. It’s become second nature to touch her. Her face is expressionless. I can only imagine what she’s thinking. Probably the same as me.

“We’ll get Dusty out and see if we can work through his aversion to being ridden.”

I nod. We’ve been going in stages to get Dusty to feel safe with us.

I calm Dusty and get him out of his stall.

Jack lets out a low whistle. “Look at you go.”

I throw him a questioning look. “Me or the horse?”

He chuckles. “Both. Didn’t you have a fear of horses?”

I freeze. I didn’t tell Kayla about that.

Kayla’s face is filled with surprise.

I bite my bottom lip. “It wasn’t so much a fear as resentment. I got thrown off a horse when I was younger.” I hold my hand up in surrender. “But I hold no grudges against other horses.” I narrow my eyes. “Just Sunshine. The horse that broke my arm.”

Kayla smirks. “It makes sense why you fell off so many times. I told you, they smell fear.”

Jack bursts out laughing. “I wish I had seen him baling the hay and chopping the wood.”

Kayla laughs and pretends to wipe a tear from her eye. “It was hilarious. You’ll get to see him in action after we work with Dusty.”

I cross my arms. “I’m a lot better now, and Blaze loves me.” Right on cue, the horse neighs, and I walk over and pat her. “See?”

Jack and Kayla roll their eyes, and I can definitely see the resemblance. After seeing pictures of them as a family, Jack looks like their dad, and Kayla takes after their mom.

I watch them banter back and forth as we take Dusty to one of the fenced-off areas. I didn’t notice it before, but it seems like they’re friends as well as brother and sister. I don’t think any of my friends have that type of relationship with their siblings.

After seeing their dynamic and the close-knit community, it doesn’t seem as isolating here as I once thought. Plus, the horses are good companions too.

Kayla slowly approaches Dusty in the fenced-off area, and he neighs aggressively. I instinctively reach out my hand to try and protect her. Jack stands up on one of the horizontal fence slats and prepares to jump over. I do the same.

I hold my breath as she gets closer to Dusty. He bucks, and I press myself against the wood, ready to launch over. Kayla expertly moves around and soothes him.

I get nervous every time she works with these types of horses. There have been a few close calls since I got here, but she hasn’t been hurt.

She calms him down enough that she can mount him. Then, it feels like it all happens in slow motion — the horse bucking, Kayla slipping, me leaping over to catch her.

I make it just in time, but her head still smacks the ground. I swear my heart stops. I can hear Jack yelling, but it’s incoherent as I focus on Kayla.

She swats me away and stands up. “I’m fine.” She stumbles back slightly, and I wrap my arm around her waist to keep her steady. I try to ignore the way my body heats from the contact.

I let go and frantically survey her to make sure she’s okay. Jack pushes me aside and checks her eyes with a small light.

I try to see what he’s doing but I can’t tell. “What are you doing?”

He lets out a dry laugh. “Checking for signs of a concussion.”

Kayla swats his head away. “I’m fine.”

He checks her head and gives her a nod. “Maybe you should take a break.”

Knowing Kayla, she won’t. She looks at him like he’s crazy and approaches Dusty. This time she mounts him and stays on. We quickly move out of the way.

Jack looks at me. “You know, if you moved that quickly on the ice, you might be a half-decent player.”

I shrug. “Instinct. You see someone fall, you run to help.”

He nods. “What I’m hearing is you need a girl to fall, for you to be a good hockey player.”

“Shut up,” I say, lightly punching his arm. I’m glad he’s brushing it off and giving me crap about my playing. I’m glad he didn’t notice how my hand lingered around her waist or how my breath hitched as she leaned back into my arm.

We watch Kayla as she works with the horse. We’re both on the edge of the fence just in case something happens again.

After a while, we move on to chopping the wood for the day. I’ve gotten the hang of it, but Kayla usually helps adjust my stance so I don’t injure myself.

As I go to take a swing, she yells at me, and I freeze. I feel her hands on me as she adjusts my position. My heart races as she keeps her hands on me for a moment. Walking around me, she studies my body, sucking on her bottom lip as she concentrates.

She notices me watching her and takes a deep breath in before nodding at me to go ahead with the chopping.

My body aches, and it’s not because I’m chopping wood. It’s physically hurting me not to touch her. It feels like all my mental and physical energy is being drained. It’s ridiculous. I shouldn’t find it so hard to keep my hands to myself.

I watch as Jack shows off with an impressive swing.

Kayla scoffs. “Showing off for your boyfriend?”

He winks at me. “I’ve got to deflate that ego a little bit.”

I laugh as I match his swing. We go back and forth trying to one-up each other.

Kayla rolls her eyes. “Boys.” She walks back toward the barn, and I concentrate on the wood.

Jack pauses. “How’s she been?”

I pause mid-chop. “What do you mean?”

He sighs. “Just… things are a bit tough around here, and I worry about her.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “I wouldn’t worry about that. Kayla’s a badass boss.”

He laughs. “You are calling someone badass? That’s quite the compliment.”

I shrug. “She knows how to get things done. I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her, though.”

Jack nods and screws up his face as if remembering something. “Oh, yeah.”

I channel all my frustration and yearning into chopping wood.

It’s strange how we both had a feeling the other shoe was about to drop, and then Jack showed up. I guess it was inevitable. To be honest, I was so focused on the fact that I would have to leave soon, I’d completely forgotten that Jack would be back. My life flashed before my eyes when he showed up at the cabin.

To suddenly not be able to go near Kayla is a shock to my system. We didn’t get to savor our final moments or the last time we were together. It was just… done.

I’m determined to make sure we have more moments before I leave. Sneaking around could be kind of hot. We just have to make sure we don’t get caught.

I look at Jack as he continues chopping the wood, flinching as the axe splits each log. My head would definitely be on the chopping block if he found out about us. I roll my shoulders back like I’m preparing for battle. I’m determined to connect with Kayla, no matter what.

* * *

After a few failed attempts at moments alone with Kayla, Jack tells me he needs to run to the store. The second he leaves, I run toward the barn. Kayla is standing in front of one of the stalls.

I pin her against the wall and kiss her passionately, immediate heat flowing through me. I need her like I need oxygen. She clings to me and pulls me closer until we’re melted together. She tries to talk, but I keep putting my lips to hers. I don’t want this to be the end.

My phone rings in my pocket, and I ignore it, focusing instead on her lips and her body against mine. I run my hands down her body, taking in every inch.

My phone rings again, and she holds me inches away. “Answer it.”

I kiss her again, but I grab my phone at the same time. I’m about to hit ignore when I see it’s Coach Mac. I groan. “I’d better get this.”

She brings me back down for another kiss, and I lose myself in it for a moment. The phone rings insistently, and I can practically hear Coach yelling at me to answer.

Stepping back reluctantly from Kayla, I let out a deep breath as I try to switch from making out to talking to my coach. I start to pace back and forth. My future is on the other line. “Hi, Coach. What’s up?”

His familiar voice comforts me, even when he’s angry. To my surprise, though, he’s not angry. “Hey, kid. Where are you, Antarctica?”

I laugh. “Not quite.”

“Well, wherever you are, it’s done the trick.”

I pause. “What?”

He laughs. “You’ve been completely off the grid, and everything has sorted itself out.”

I continue to pace. “How so?”

“Natalie is giving me a look that says, ‘I handled it,’ obviously. Let me put her on.”

I hear a few of my teammates’ voices in the background, yelling my name and telling me to come back home already. It sounds like complete chaos, as per usual.

“Good job,” Natalie says curtly. “I didn’t think you’d pull it off.”

I laugh. “Gee, thanks Nat. How’d you manage it on your end?”

She sighs as if she’s been to hell and back. “I tracked down some people who were at the party — it took a while, but I got them to post on social media and vouch for you. Everyone loves a redemption arc. You’re officially the misunderstood bad boy, and everyone is crazy about you again.”

I smile. I know it’s a good thing, but I have a knot in my stomach.

“Thanks, Nat.”

Suddenly the line crackles and I can hear my teammates again.

I vaguely hear Coach say goodbye to her. “I swear I saw her crack a smile,” he tells me. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

I chuckle. “I could say the same about you.”

He clears his throat, his way of saying let’s get down to business.

“Because of your good behavior, you’re back on the team for next season. It’s time to come home, son.”

I pump my fist in the air. It worked. Hiding out actually worked.

Coach clears his throat again, and I stand still. I know he can’t see me, but it’s habit.

“You still have to stay out of trouble. No more scandals. Keep your nose clean and you can come out from hiding.”

A wave of noise barrels through the phone. “I’ve got to go, but get back here and we’ll get you back on the ice.”

The line goes dead.

I look at the phone and then look up at Kayla. I get to go home. I’m hit with a wave of happiness followed quickly by a sinking feeling.

I knew I would have to leave at some point, but it always felt like a distant thing. Now that it’s here… I’m conflicted.

I look at Kayla, and it’s like my heart is outside of my body. She will always have a piece of me. How am I supposed to leave a piece of me here?

I try to put things into perspective. I’ve worked my whole life for my hockey career. I’ve only known Kayla for a few weeks.

I don’t know what to do. Logically, I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this — but try telling my heart that.

The thought of not being with her rips the air out of my lungs. I’ve memorized every part of her, but it’s not enough. I need her with me. I want to ask her to come with me, but I don’t know if she would be offended.

Suddenly it dawns on me that this could all be in my head. We both said it would be nothing more than a fling. She probably doesn’t think I’m worth settling down with. I have a reputation — why would she think I want something serious?

I think about our time together. Did I give her any signs that I was serious about her? I organized the date night under the stars. I’ve never done that for anyone. I’ve never even booked a date at a restaurant for a girl. To me that was a big gesture, but to her it could’ve been a thanks for the sex dinner.

I go back through the night at The Roadhouse, the days at the ranch, and our day off at the festival. Did I embellish our relationship? Was it even real?

I realize I’m spiraling. I look at her, and I ache. I don’t know what to do.