88

Ryan

All Of This Would've Been Easier

Only ten minutes left on the phone call and I sat there on the couch with my hands behind my head, gazing up at the ceiling. I could hear the light flicker on from the bathroom. The door opened.

God, I'd never get over how beautiful my girlfriend was. She stood at the door frame with her braids all frizzy, her perfect lips swollen, a dark flush up her neck. In one word - fucked.

I grinned and pushed up from the couch. When I picked her up, she didn't protest. She must've been really tired. I sat back down on the couch again and seated her sideways, holding her close. Kissing her neck.

"How much longer?" she murmured.

"Nine minutes now."

Kassie hummed under her breath and I ran my hand down her back, just touching her.

"Ryan?" she whispered, leaning against my chest. "If we're fucking in public, you just have to settle for a blowjob. I feel bad for the cleaning crew."

I chuckled and held her closer. "That bad?"

"You could easily find your DNA all over here."

"Damn. And here I am, preferring it in you."

She laughed quietly and I grinned too. Finally—fucking finally—I could make her laugh. The more I tightened my hold though, the more I thought about how damn long everything took. My grin disappeared and I leaned back. If things would've been different, I could've gotten that laugh a long time ago.

"Hey?"

I glanced up. "What?"

"I made a joke. You're supposed to laugh."

"Oh. What did you say?"

"Was the quarter of a blowjob that good?" she teased. "You okay?"

For a moment, I didn't say anything. I just looked at her in the darkness. "I wish I met you sooner."

"More quarter blowjobs?"

"I think…" I hesitated. "If I would've met you sooner, all of this would've been easier."

"What do you mean?"

"All of it." I shrugged. "I had a hard learning curve when I got here. I wasn't used to the cameras. And if I had you here—"

"I would've told all of them to fuck off?"

"You would've made everything easier to deal with," I countered. "You would've made everything…good. All the bullshit, all the long nights, I would've had you there and now…" I shook my head. "I get you for a couple of months and when the hell do I get to see you? On the scratchy carpet in the goddamn training center."

"It wasn't scratchy."

I sighed.

"Okay, okay." Kassie pushed up out of my arms, still a little shaky. Carefully, she swung over her leg until she straddled my lap. Holding my close, she kissed my hair. "You're just tired."

"I am tired. I'm tired of this shit."

She ran her fingertips across my hair again and I leaned forward to kiss her chest but I was still thinking about it. It was hard not to think about.

"I could've met you as a freshman," I muttered.

Kassie chuckled. "I hated football games."

"I could've gone to the bookstore."

"You have people to do that for you," she said, definitely trying to lighten the mood.

"One of your bars then. I could've found you before I got the captain's badge and everything would've been better." I took a deep breath. "How much time did I waste not looking for you?"

It was quiet for a long moment.

She took my chin in her hand, tilting me up. "You can't think like that."

"I think about it all the time."

"We're in the honeymoon phase," she told me, her voice husky. "That's why we're fucking so much. Think about it, do you really want that to end?"

She didn't understand.

"I don't want time to skip ahead, I wish I already had it." I ran my hand through my hair, struggling to explain. "We could have already had birthdays together, holidays, vacations, anniversaries, but instead I have to be content with a couple of months—fuck the honeymoon stage. We could've had it two years ago."

Kassie was silent and that's where I knew I messed up.

I sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to ruin anything."

"You're stressed," she murmured. "You have a lot on your shoulders right now."

I had nothing to say to that, I just wrapped my arms around her again and held her there. The low murmur of the phone call was the only sound in the meeting room.

Gently, Kassie stroked my hair, bringing goosebumps on my skin. "Ryan?"

I made a noise at the back of my throat.

"When I—I look back, you're always there."

Slowly, I pushed back from her and glanced up, confused. But Kassie stared straight ahead at the wall and kept stroking me, never breaking eye contact with the drywall.

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You're always there," she repeated, her voice soft. "When you say you're going to be there, you're there. And I think that's second nature for you." She hesitated. "No, I know it's just second nature. You don't have to think about it. But I've never— never had someone like that. Ever."

My heart slowed in my chest.

"Not my parents, not my family—and I love Zariah—but not even my friends. And I—" Her eyes finally flickered down to me and her voice was thick. "You don't know how much that means to me."

My heart pounded in my chest for a very different reason than earlier. I'd always thought of love as a separate thing, something you can shelf away to focus on something else. With Kassie, I knew better. It drummed through my body. A constant pulse change, a hit to my senses, a taste at the back of my tongue. Kassie pressed her face against my hair and I wrapped my arms around her again, breathing her in.

"That's why I don't care about the timing," she said simply. "I know it's something you worry about but I don't think about it like you do."

I didn't say anything. I just held her tightly.

"A million things could've happened," she murmured. "I'm not worried about the timing. Because now I have you."