Chapter 43

Chapter Forty-Three

LETTIE

D ane Greathouse has more billboards, commercials, and guest appearances on television and radio than ever before. He's living up to the hype of being a first-round draft pick again, which I'm happy about—I am. But the straighter his head becomes, the more my foundation crumbles. I can't live without Dane Greathouse.

I sent Dane a morning text last week that went unanswered.

Me: Morning. Come over

Me: Afternoon. I need you.

Me: Night. Please I need you inside me.

When he kissed me at Hagan and Adalee's wedding, it felt as if tiny fireworks were exploding in rapid succession over my lips—a goodbye kiss. It may never be the right time for us. There will always be the next goal he needs to achieve, and I won't stand in his way or be the reason he qui ts or fails.

Although I was the one who had suggested breaking it off with Dane, I admit I'm a mess now that Dane believes it's the best thing too. I keep hearing him say, " Right girl, wrong time."

Functioning has become more difficult. All I do is cry. Jasper has forcefully removed me from my apartment for the past week, taking me to train.

I cry on Jasper's shoulder all morning. He won't let me ride, so I sit in the stall with Diamond Mine.

The next day, I hold it together long enough that he lets me ride my horse, but I'm like the headless horseman and fall off over a jump he lowered enough for a beginner. My elbow throbs, and my abdomen cramps as I try to break my fall. "Nothing was supposed to change." I scream, choking on my own tears.

Jasper walks out, grabbing Diamond Mine's halter. "You've hurt yourself, and you're lucky you didn't hurt the horse. Do you understand if he takes one wrong step, his legs snap, and he might not be able to recover from it? Until you get your head on right, you're not riding, period."

He leads my horse back to the stable, and I sit in the middle of the training arena filled with obstacles. But somehow, I can't clear any of them. When Jasper drops me off at home, we sit in the car, silent, before I pull on the handle, and the door cracks open a smidge. He grabs my hand. "Elizabeth, I don't know the real reason you broke it off with Dane, but this isn't healthy. Have you been tak ing your medicine for your ADHD?"

I shake my head.

"I can pinpoint within a day or two when you quit taking it. It will help you deal with… everything."

Without responding, I wander into my empty apartment and open my kitchen cabinet where I keep my medicine and stare at it. I promptly close it, hard. Why do I need it? I could go off it for an entire summer, but that was when I had Dane.

Turning on the television, I'm hit with the red, white, and blue graphics of Election Day. I had forgotten to vote, not that I would vote for Dane's dad anyway. Not now. Not after what he made me do. A man I thought loved me. A man who said he loved me like a daughter. It was all an act so he could say he took in a poor, helpless girl.

When the reporter says, "Live from the Greathouse Victory party at the Beaumont Hotel," my stomach feels queasier than usual. And that's when I see Dane, appearing happy in his charcoal suit that fits his body like a glove, with his hair longer than it ever has been. It seems like forever ago when I last saw him, but the wedding wasn't that long ago. I miss him more each day.

What I don't expect to see is Daisy meeting him in a hug or the way he accepts her into his arms.

I can't get to the bathroom quick enough, and I vomit in my throat. It's all bile. I can't remember the last time I ate. Maybe a banana this morning, or it could have been yesterday. I know I need to eat, but my stomach rejects everythin g.

Through my tears, I turn off the TV and pop a pain pill with a sleep aid. My body hurts from where I fell off my horse again.

After taking off my clothes, I pick up the jersey Dane gave me that's thrown over a chair and pull it over my head. It still carries his scent, one I wanted to keep, so I haven't washed it yet. I've slept with it curled under my chin, but tonight, I need to feel him close, and this is all I have left.

In my sleep—I'm still awake, and the pain is unbearable. Dreams that will never come true. I'm drowning in memories. Sixteen years is a lot of fucking memories.

When morning comes, Jasper comes to pick me up, but I refuse to train. The only thing I have the energy to do today is send my professors an email asking to withdraw from their class. There's no way I can catch up when I'm barely breathing.

I lie in bed all day, scrolling through social media, ignoring the mountain of calls and texts from Brooke, Adalee, Harper, and Presley. Their lives are perfect, and I just… can't.

Then a message from Dane pops up.

Dane: Things have changed, and I need to talk to you. I'll come by after my ballgame tonight.

I must read it a hundred times, attempting to decipher the meaning of his words. But I see with my own eyes what has changed—he's with Daisy, which is why the girls ar e texting me to help ease the blow.

Struggling to find any closure, I decide I'm going to Dane's game to see Daisy living my life. The life that was meant for me.

The jeans I put on are too big, so instead, I pull on my yoga pants, a long-sleeve shirt, and throw Dane's jersey over top.

Now I swallow my pride and contact the woman who helped raise me. She hates me for ripping out Dane's heart.

Me: Do you have a seat available for me tonight?

Mrs. Greathouse: Sorry, we're using all four but come to the VIP, and I'll get you a seat.

Me: Thanks.

With the knowledge that Daisy will be sitting in my seat, in my place, tears stream down my face, I grab my crossbody purse and my phone. I go to the cabinet and shake one of my ADHD pills into my hand and swallow without water. It scratches my throat as it hits each bump. But I take it. It's the first step to getting my life back. I can't live without Dane Greathouse.

Maybe I'm wrong and he wants me. What if he isn't with Daisy?

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, ready to confront my fears, and I open my front door.

"Mom?"

My chin drops as my mout h hangs open. I haven't seen my mom in a few years, and she looks like she's put on weight. The last time I saw her, her cheeks were hollow, and her eyes were sunken in, but now she looks healthy, and a tickle of a smile threatens.

I shouldn't give her the time of day, but other than having Dane, having my parents in my life is all I've ever wanted. Sure, other things like show jumping and school fill my days, but there's a special place in my heart reserved for my parents.

"Lettie, can I come in?"

I glance over my shoulder like someone's home with me but then gesture for her to come in. She surveys the apartment, and I don't know what to do. "You're a good decorator. I thought I would be an interior designer when I grew up. I always drew furniture and loved colored pencils. You have the eye, minimalistic."

Is my mom using designing terms?

Granny never told me she dreamed of designing when she was young. In fact, Granny and Paps avoid talking about my mom. I understand they're hurt because damn, I'm hurt too. But it has to be heartbreaking for your child to choose a life of drugs instead of you.

"I love that hanging lamp," she says, admiring the braided straw lantern above the kitchen table.

"Dane pic ked it out. Oh, I forget you don't know him. Dane has been my best friend since I was six." My mother takes a deep breath. "It's weird you don't know the most important person in my life." I add a little jab, yet it doesn't do a damn thing to make me feel better.

"Tell me about him. Why have you been friends for so long?" She walks into the living are, and her hand trails along the couch.

I've wanted to have a real conversation with my mom for as long as I can remember. Even though I should tell her to leave, I want her to listen and give me motherly advice.

Gesturing for her to sit, I say, "I don't know. Dane and I have always just been best friends. He chased me around the art table in first grade. I was always the only girl at his birthday parties. Dane was always there to make me laugh," I say, choking up. "But now all I do is cry."

"Oh Elizabeth, why?" She lays her hand on my leg and my birth name sounds good coming from her lips.

"Mama. Can I call you Mama?"

She wraps me in her arms, and I'm bombarded with emotions over Dane and finally being held by my mama. It's been so long that I can't recall a single time she held me in a tight embrace. When she would be around, she was on the couch with my dad and friends doing meth and shooed me away. I would play cheap dollar store Barbies in the trailer hallway, needing to keep my parents in sight for fear they would leave again. And they did. Sometimes on their own and sometimes from the cops busting them.

Regardless, I was sent back to Granny and Paps and eventually, my parents had to give up all rights to me.

"Of course, you can. Shh… let it all out."

As snot runs out my nose and onto her ratty, Grateful Dead sweatshirt, I ask, "Why didn't you love me? Why doesn't anyone love me?"

"We do love you. We just… Well, we made mistakes being kids ourselves. Have you ever made a mistake?"

I nod and snort at the same time. "Dane's dad made me break up with him, and now Dane's happy without me. Sixteen years of love and friendship are gone. I'm depressed and feel worthless. He won't take me back, saying we both need to pursue our goals. But my goals mean nothing without him," I cry. "I'm so tired of feeling this way."

She digs around in her purse with one hand until she pulls out a prescription bottle. "Here." She shakes four out in her hand, giving me two. "They're antidepressants. I've been using them to stay clean. I'm trying so hard to be a person you'll let into your life.They'll make you feel so much better."

Without thinking, I throw them down my throat. I need to feel something other than sadness and worthlessness.

I notice my mom's fingers have fake press-on nails, and two of those are chipped off. She rubs her nails over my back, calming me. "Now where were you going in such a hurry?"

"Dane has a ballgame tonight, and his new girlfriend is going to be there, and I just need to see for myself. I love him."

Rustling around in her purse, she pulls out a prepaid phone. "I saw that." She taps on her phone and pulls up a video. "I can see in his eyes that he loves you."

Singing karaoke in Florida wasn't that long ago, but it seems like a lifetime.

"You two seem in love and damn, you are both good singers. This one has five million views."

I'm leaning my head on her shoulder, and it feels so good to have her here, listening. My head feels light, and I realize I haven't eaten.

"I hate to ask but one of our old dealers is holding your dad until we pay him two thousand dollars that we owe him. Do you have money we could borrow?"

Lifting my head from her shoulder, I ask, "You think I have two thousand dollars? I'm in college." My speech feels different.

She huffs and rubs her palms over her blue jean mini skirt. "Well, since I got clean, I've been following you on social media. You've placed in the past two jumping events, and this video went viral so as high profile as you and Dane are… I just thought."

"Thought you could come here and act like a mama and then walk out of my life, again. Get what you need and don't look back. How long have you been clean?"

There isn 't a bucket big enough for my tears tonight. Used again. Thrown out like the trash that I am.

"Two weeks. I've been staying at a recovery home and working to try to pay off our debt."

I scoff. "How about turning the dealer into the police? No, you can't do that because in two more weeks, you'll need the dealer to give you more drugs. No. Just no." I throw my hands up in the air as I stand, and the room spins.

Sick.

Dizzy.

Dane.