Chapter 4

Chapter Four

DANE

I t's hard to imagine that Lettie is this clueless.

Am I okay? Fuck no.

Nick just promised to have sex with her, and I had to watch her face turn the color I've dreamed of since tenth grade. How in the hell does he know what she needs?

Does he know that she's ticklish on her feet?

Does he know that she straightens her frizzy hair?

Does he know she likes peanut butter and apples?

No, he doesn't.

Lettie twists her body on the seat. "Are clams happy?"

One sentence.

Lettie changes my mood with one sentence.

"Really, have you ever thought about it? Why do we say that? We don't even live near the ocean."

Laying my h and on her leg, I squeeze her muscular thigh, and her childlike laughter fills the air.

"Good question. Why don't you do your thesis on it when you get your doctorate?" I ask as I pull up to her apartment.

Lettie is a straight A student.Monday through Thursday, she goes to class, studies in the library, and we usually meet in the quad and walk to the cafeteria, before she goes to ride horses in the late afternoon, but weekends are for letting loose.

"Do you want to come in?" she asks.

"Not tonight."

"Well, I was going to watch reruns of Heartland . I know how much you love it."

I scoff, "No, thanks."

"Don't act like you don't love Heartland . You watched every single episode with me." She tilts her head in the cutest way, squinting her eyes with a close-lipped smile.

Yep, she's clueless.

I watched her while she watched Heartland. Did I know what was going on? Yes, because I wanted to know every little thing that made Lettie happy or sad. The way she would squeeze my thigh when a character did something she considered "swoony." The way she would lay her head on my shoulder when a character made her cry.

"Wish I could, but I have to work on a speech for my dad's fundraiser."

She leans o ver, pecking my cheek. "Okay, but I'm on the episode when Ty kisses Amy for the first time."

"It's probably your tenth time watching it."

"Yeah but the first kiss is special. The kind that gives you hope."

I blurt out, "Is that how your first kiss with Nick was? The kind that makes you hope for more?"

Am I jealous of Nick?

Damn straight, I am. He's taking my time. Before Nick, she hooked up like me. Never dated. We didn't talk about other guys or girls. We just talked about everything else. Staying up all night, asking Siri stupid damn questions, talking about sports, friends and their boyfriend and girlfriend problems, and promising we would never be jealous over this or angry over that. It's always been Lettie and me first, until Nick.

Her chest inflates, and the air gets heavy. We never talk about the details of our sex lives. We both just assume that's what happens. What Lettie doesn't know is that I've quit having sex with other girls. I'm tired of pretending it's her face. That it's her warm flesh tightening around me and her nails digging in my back.

God, I'm completely fucked.

"Dane, why are you asking?"

I swallow the lump clogging my airway. "I just want to know if my best friend is getting serious with my teammate."

"Nick's your friend."

"Yeah, I guess. Forget I asked. It's none of my business."

She reaches over the console and intertwines her fingers with mine. "No one will ever come between us. You're the best friend I've ever had. Even when you go to the NBA, I'll be calling you after every game."

Shaking my head, I say, "It's just that we started our senior year this week. Time is passing too fast. In ten months, we'll be living in different places." Imagining a life without Lettie by me every fucking second produces a churn in my gut.

"So, let's make this the best year ever."

How can it be the best year ever when she's dating my teammate?

I give her hand a few pumps. Her hand is so small inside mine, like I'm the outside shell, protecting the pearl inside.

"Deal. I'll pick you up on the way to the stadium tomorrow morning."

Lettie's eyes soften, but I see confusion swirling in them.

"Dane, you need to let Nick pick me up. He's my date. I already feel like he's wondering about us. And I want to have experiences in college."

"How many more fucking experiences can you have, Lettie? Devon. James. Tyler. And all the other fucks." I want to stuff my words back into my mouth immediately. I'm just so confused, thinking she would pick up on my feelings. We're usually so in tune.

She jerks h er hand from mine. "What the hell are you saying? Like you haven't hooked up with a million girls?"

"I didn't…"

"You think it's fine for men to have casual sex and not women?" Her voice strains and cracks. "And I want more out of life than one-night stands. But you… you…"

"I what?"

"You scare everyone away."

Good.

"They don't deserve you if they can't handle our relationship."

She opens her door, huffing. I hop out and meet her. "Lettie, you're the most beautiful and smartest girl on this campus. You deserve someone who…" My heart beats faster than my body can handle. "Who…"

"Who what?" She crosses her arms over her waist. "Who can give me everything?" Tapping her toe against the pavement, she says, "I'm riding with Nick to the stadium. Do me a favor. Wake up tomorrow in a better mood. I don't know what your dad said to you, but I'm sick of your moods when you talk to him."

My dad's constant hounding to do this or practice that. It's like I'm never good enough, and I'm tired of it. This campaign has also gone to his head, so Lettie's right. I need to lay my cards on the table and make him understand that he's pushing me away.

After blowi ng out all the air in my lungs, I give her an apologetic hug. "Sorry, love you, Bug." She's always been my Lettie Bug.

"Love you, Dane the Great."

When she closes the door to her apartment, I stand there looking at the stars. How many times I've wished for the strength to tell her how I truly feel. I almost told her tonight but of course, the wrong words came out.

I'm a jealous fuck, and I have no right to be.

Sitting outside her apartment I wonder how much our relationship will change this year. And if tonight is any indication, it's taking a wrong turn.