26. Nora/Wes

TWENTY-SIX

I'm startingto think that my safe space is no longer safe.

Stages have always been my second home. They've become the place where I can become somebody else. The place where I get to turn off my brain and be in someone else's shoes for a few hours. It's where I feel the most alive. It's where I was born to be. But today, it's the very last place I want to be.

It's our dress rehearsal today and t-minus two weeks until the opening night of the show. Not only have I been busting my ass in my classes, trying my hardest to perfect my assignment for this year, but I'm also trying to psych myself up to send my final audition tape for the project Max has been on my back about.

For most of the class, the dress rehearsals are where we feel the most pressure. Blocking choreography and running lines is one thing, but putting it all together is another. Penny stops becoming the fun-loving teacher we all adore and becomes a much stricter version of herself, which we desperately need. All of us but Ryan.

He's been leaving sly comments throughout today's session, and I'm waiting for him to break. I know Wes and I's relationship has gotten to him, but he's yet to say something directly to me. Kiara, however, has no problem with saying what's on her mind. Part of that is my fault for finally spilling to her the truth about Wes and I's relationship, mostly because I needed to vent that he rejected me twice.

"So, did you guys fuck?" She slides onto the vanity in front of me as I take my makeup off in the mirror backstage. She gets unready insanely fast for such a chaotic person and has been pestering me with these kinds of questions all day.

"No, Kie, we didn't," I say.

"Are you sure?" I nod. "What did you do for four days? There's no way you didn't pounce on him. I saw the pictures you posted when you were all cozy in that bar. It was very… intimate."

"We have rules," is all I can come up with. I'm still hurt by the way he shut me down that night and on the camping trip. I'm not going to ask him to kiss me for the third time. I'd like to believe I have more self-respect than that.

"Rules?" she repeats. I nod again. "Since when do you follow rules?"

"Since always," I say, laughing. Kiara's about to say something else, but the dickhead of the century waltzes into the space, his bag slung around his shoulder. He looks pissed, as usual. I rear back at the dark energy he just created in the room. "You good?"

Ryan just blinks at me as if I was talking to someone behind him. "Yeah, I'm great."

"You sure? You looked a little tense over there," Kiara says.

"I'm fine, Kiara. Thanks for asking," he bites out.

"Relax, Jesus. You're the one coming in here with that sour fucking attitude," I say, closing my makeup bag. Kiara snorts beside me, and I try to hold in my laughter over how weird this encounter is.

"I wonder why that is."

"You know what? I'm wondering the same thing. Why don't you enlighten me," I challenge, swiveling in my seat so we're no longer having a conversation through the mirror.

"You and that football guy," is all he says.

I let out an exasperated sigh. "You mean Wes. My boyfriend."

"Whatever the fuck he is. You don't have to keep shoving your relationship down everyone's throats."

And off goes the canon.

I can't help feeling a little smug that this asshole has finally gotten what he deserves. I sit up straighter. "What's the problem? Is it bothering you?"

"Yes, it's fucking bothering me. I don't exactly want to see my ex-girlfriend making out with some guy all over my feed. And New York? That was going to be our place, Nor."

"Funny. I don't exactly want to play alongside you in the show whilst you shove your tongue down Daisy's throat during the breaks, but here we are."

He stutters. "That's different."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"There's two easy solutions to your problem. One, unfollow me. Two, grow the fuck up. You cheated on me, remember?" I'm slowly running out of ways of getting this into his head. I'm sick of being strung along by him, feeling like I owe him something when I sure as fuck don't.

"That doesn't mean I don't still want you."

Kiara lets out a low whistle before silently leaving the room. It's empty in the space now, and his words hang in the air. Once upon a time, that would have been enough. Him telling me that he wanted me despite everything he did would have been enough for me to crawl straight back into bed with him. But I don't want that anymore. I don't want to constantly be questioning my worth or fighting with someone who would never fight for me. To be with someone who only wants to compete and see themselves as the most important thing in their lives.

I shake my head, running my palm across my forehead. "Can you hear yourself right now? You only want me because you can't have me anymore. You don't have someone to push around and do whatever the fuck you want. And the fact that you're only just realizing that says a lot about you."

"What does it say?"

"That you're going to be alone forever if you don't sort out your priorities." His lip twitches as if the words actually registered in his brain for the first time. "You're never going to be happy if you're constantly trying to one-up every person you date."

He scrubs his hand across his face, sighing. "I'm sorry."

I laugh incredulously."You're sorry?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. For the way I treated you. For the way I've been acting. I just have a lot going on right now," he explains, his voice tight.

"Everybody does, but that doesn't give you an excuse to be fucking horrible to everyone around you. It doesn't excuse your selfishness and your need to try to put people down to succeed. I really do hope you can find some inner peace or some shit, but I'm not going to be the one to help you with that. I'm going to play my part and stay the fuck away from you. We're done for good. Got it?" Even my own words sting, but he needs to hear them.

He nods once. Twice. "I got it."

As I pack up my things and leave Ryan standing in the dressing room, an unexpected feeling washes over me. I thought I"d feel relieved after confronting him, but instead, I"m unsettled. This was what I wanted—to hit him where it hurts, and I succeeded. Yet, surprisingly, I find myself feeling sorry for him.

After spending the entire day on and off phone calls and scrolling through LinkedIn, I'm grateful for some peace and quiet. My mind has been at full volume for the past couple of weeks, and finding time for myself has been fucking difficult. If I knew how hard job searching and finding a new course would be, I would have just stuck with football. Then again, I'd much rather be miserable and trying to find something else than be stuck on a team playing a sport I hate.

I've spent my spare time in the gym trying to work out my energy and get my brain to settle down. I've been avoiding Connor like the plague, not wanting to run into him and get another lecture. I just want this whole fake dating thing to be over so I can go back to being friends with Nora and stop worrying about crossing that line that we've firmly put up.

That gets thrown out the window the second I step into the backyard.

The girls have been treating our house as a new hang-out spot, and I don't usually mind it. They use the kitchen to bake and the living room to crochet and watch movies. They sometimes use the backyard to do group yoga or sing at the top of their lungs for no reason. ‘It's girlhood,' they told me.

It's nothing new to see Nora playing guitar in the backyard, but it still makes my head spin. She's sitting on the grass with the guitar in her lap and with Elle beside her on her stomach, reading a book. Nora's long brown hair fans around the guitar as she strums it softly, playing a song I've never heard before.

I know she's pissed at me for what happened the other night, but I have more self-control than she thinks. I know that if we kissed, then, I'd throw her off for her performance, and that's the last thing that she needs. That either of us needs.

There's nothing quite like the serene peace on Nora's face when she's playing an instrument. I can't help but let myself think for a second what it would be like to wake up to this sight. To have her constantly playing beautiful melodies whilst I get to bathe in her presence and listen to her sing.

"You can come out here, you know? This is your house." Nora calls. I realize that I've been standing in the doorway for the last five minutes, just staring at her. Elle's head pops up, and she laughs a little before directing her attention back to her book.

"I didn't want to disturb you. You were in your element," I say, walking over to them and taking a seat on the grass. She narrows her eyes at me like she doesn't believe me. I gesture to her guitar. "Don't stop now, Sunshine."

She rolls her eyes, but she continues. She's not singing anymore, but the chords are beautiful on their own.

"How are you holding up without football?" Elle asks, not tearing her eyes away from her book.

"Pretty good. I've got an interview in Denver next week for a spot on a course at Carlton University."

"That"s cool. What course?"

"Um, something to do with Marine Biology?"

Nora snorts. "Do you even like marine biology?"

"I dunno. I might," I answer. Honestly, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. My mom has been on my ass about expanding my interests, so I just went for it. I doubt it'll go anywhere, but it's worth a shot. "How about you, Elle-Belle? You still filming your little videos?"

Her whole face lights up. "It's actually going pretty well. No major brand deals or anything, but my name is getting out there more. I got recognized at Target last week, so I'm taking that as a win."

I hold out my hand for a high five, and she clasps her hand in mine. "Hell yeah, Harper. You're going to be famous in no time."

"Oh, for sure," Nora adds, grinning. "You'll probably make it on a billboard before me at this rate."

"Why's that?"

"Ryan sort of… apologized today. It's a whole mindfuck."

"He's sorry?"

"Kinda? His words and his actions very rarely match up. It's hard to tell with him," she says, slowing down the song she's playing.

"But that's what you wanted, right? To make him pay for what he did. For him to realize that he can't treat you like that."

"Yeah, I guess. I just didn't expect to feel bad for him, you know? He's just got a really sad life, and that sucks."

"You don't have to feel bad for him, Nor. He treated you horribly, and karma is a bitch. It's about time he got what he deserves," Elle says, and I hum in agreement.

"Yeah, you're right."

We settle into a comfortable silence, and I fall onto my back next to Nora as she continues playing. She starts the song again, and it almost puts me to sleep. There's something special about just being in Nora's orbit. It's like she's constantly pulling me into her but still keeping me at a safe distance away. I could listen to her sing this song and play for hours if she let me.

"What are you playing?" I ask.

She stops singing but continues strumming. "Nothing / Sad Stuff by Lizzy McAlpine."

I hum. "Never heard it."

Elle and Nora both laugh. "Of course, you haven't," Elle says as if there's a joke I'm missing.

"Well, it sounds beautiful," I concede, closing my eyes.

"Thank you," she whispers.

"Hey, can you record this and send it me?"

Nora scoffs. "You can listen to Lizzy's version on Spotify, you freak."

"I want to hear you sing it," I whisper. She studies me for a minute like she might not believe me, but she doesn't say anything. She looks away and drops her gaze back down to her guitar.

She starts singing again and I take a deep breath, desperate to not make the moment into something bigger than it is. We're getting closer and closer to the semester being over, and after summer, we'll all be in our final year at Drayton. Whilst Elle and Nora know exactly where they're going after college, I couldn't be more lost. The thoughts swarm around my brain, but I don't say anything. Instead, I settle into a comfortable silence with them and listen to Nora's soft voice.