4. CHAPTER 4

4

KAI

I want to slap myself around the face to convince myself that this is real right now. That I’m sitting in this hot ass car with Jules. Jules . When I spoke to Mom early this morning, she told me that he was coming into town to pick me up from jail. I thought it was a joke. Well, I guess the joke’s on me. And why, you may ask? Because the teenage crush that I’d had on him, which I convinced myself was hero worship, turned out to be bullshit. As soon as my eyes landed on him at the station, I felt the air leave my body. I’m bisexual and my desire for men started with Jules. I thought it was just him at first, but over the years I’ve enjoyed the occasional fuck around with guys. But Jules is in a league of his own. Now that I’m a grown man, the term uncle feels not only ridiculous but wrong in a dirty way. We’re only a few years apart in age and the way he spikes my want for him is certainly no familia feeling although it does feel taboo. Forbidden. I don’t even want to assess for a second how I felt when he threatened me just now. I shiver even thinking about it.

Christ, I should be worrying about the fact that he informed me that I’m leaving home to work with him, rather than overthink how the crush I had on him is now back in full force. I’m so pissed that Jules and my mom arranged this behind my back, like I’m some child being passed around the family. I suppose in my mom’s eyes, I am a child. A complete disaster and failure that she always has to bail out of trouble. It’s not that I want to be like this. I don’t. But life isn’t easy around these parts. I have no qualifications to my name. All I have is the long list of fuck ups since I started hanging around with Jez. After we both failed to graduate, it led to us spending more time with his brother, Zac, and trying to earn some money—days bled into one another, drinking, stealing, causing trouble with other guys like what happened last night. The cycle is never-ending, but what options do I have?

I let out a self-deprecating sigh, leaning my head back against the headrest and closing my eyes. Maybe leaving with Jules is the best thing. It would break all ties with this town and allow my mom to have some form of a life without worrying about me.

“You okay?” Jules asks from beside me as we wait at a red light. I turn my face to the side and watch him for a moment. His short blond hair makes him look like he’s part of the military, and his lightly tanned skin and bulging forearms look veiny from how tightly he grips the steering wheel. As I run my eyes over that perfect body, I meet those icy blues staring into my soul. Even though we aren’t blood related, it’s quite comical how similar we look in some ways. My hair is a darker blond, bordering brown, and my blue eyes are softer than his icy. But we’re similar heights and have the same complexion. He is slightly more built than me, but our matching features are subtle. Or maybe that’s just my imagination.

“I’m tired, and not looking forward to the lecture from Mom.”

The light changes, and we drive off. Jules’s attention is back on the road.

“She just wants what’s best for you, Kai. As do I. Just give it a shot, and come with me to work.”

“What is it you do, anyway?”

There’s a long pause as Jules thinks over his answer. I vaguely remember he worked in some kind of security, but it’s been so long since we’ve seen him that his job could’ve changed.

“I provide security to a family in Grinston, which is on the outskirts of New York. We’re a guard down, and my boss agreed to give you a trial run.”

“What happened to the guard?”

“He got laid off. It wasn’t working out,” he says, and I don’t miss how he avoids eye contact when he responds. Call it a gut feeling, but something seems off in his reply. As I’m about to confront him, we arrive at the diner and park up. I picked a place that I know Jez and the guys never visit, because the last thing I need is them swarming around me and Jules, asking questions.

As we get inside, the waitress leads us to a booth next to the window that overlooks the rundown parking lot out front. The diner needs a makeover. I don’t think it’s been touched since the 1980s. But the coffee is good here. The waitress leaves us with menus and scuttles off to seat other customers.

Jules is looking at the menu, so I take the opportunity to watch him greedily. He’s even sexier than he was all those years ago, the boyish image gone, replaced with this mature, intense, and intimidating man. I really can’t believe he’s here, that he’s come here because of me. What did Mom tell him?

“So, why’d you come?” I ask.

Jules looks up and drops his menu onto the table before clasping his hands together, leaning on the worn surface.

“Because your mom was worried, and despite what you may think, I do care.”

“Why did you go silent on us for all those years?”

Jules rubs his chin with his hand, watching me as he formulates a response.

“There are things you don’t know or understand about my life, Kai. It was better for you and your mom if I just kept my distance. But I was always a phone call away.”

“Did Mom stay in touch?”

“Yes. Not regularly, but we messaged on birthdays or Christmas. Why? She never tell you?”

“No, she didn’t.”

Why didn’t she say anything? I didn’t think she kept secrets from me. I’ve kept many secrets from my mom, about the things me and the guys did, but it doesn’t stop the hurt that she never mentioned being in contact with Jules, and never included me.

“Stop sulking. It was never more than a quick text. Me and your mom have a complicated past. It’s worked out better to just keep contact simple.”

“I’m not sulking,” I say, in a sulky voice.

“If you say so.”

“What happened between you and Mom?”

“I think she resents me for being at home with our parents after they kicked her out. She’s made a story up in her mind that I had the perfect childhood, which is bullshit. But I was no better. I blamed her for the family falling apart.”

“Because of me?”

“Yes, but I was an angry teen needing to find someone to blame. Which was our parents. But the tension will always be there as Jenny will never let it go, and that’s all I’ll say.”

“Ever heard of tact?”

“No. Now I’ll ask you a question.”

Before he gets to ask the question, the waitress arrives, notepad in hand, ready to take our orders.

“What can I get ya both?” she asks.

“I’ll just take a coffee, thanks,” Jules says.

“Same.”

She doesn’t speak as she wanders off, and returns back with the coffee pot and fills two large mugs. The smell of caffeine triggers my thirst, as I remember I haven’t had a drink of any kind this morning.

Feeling eyes on me as I fill my cup of coffee with the creamer that the waitress left, I look up to meet those blue eyes that only ever lived in my dreams.

“What?”

“You’re nothing like I remembered. I wouldn’t have recognized you if you’d passed me on the street.”

I scoff at that.

“How nice of you to say.”

“It’s true, no need for the sarcasm.”

“Sarcasm is my middle name,” I say, before taking a sip of my coffee.

“And punisher is mine, so watch it.”

“Relax, can’t you take any teasing, Frank?” I laugh to myself at The Punisher TV Show reference. Such a geek.

“No.”

My eyes shoot up to meet his, is he for real? From the indifference on his face, he’s serious, as the joke has gone over his head, which horrifies me. How has he not seen that show? I’m about to come up with another retort, but get distracted when he licks his bottom lip, highlighting how plump it is.

“Getting back to what I wanted to ask you. Why were you in a gang?”

That question makes me chuckle, but it’s without humor. I just don’t know the answer and it’s embarrassing. He’s been in my presence for an hour and I already don’t want him thinking about how dumb I am.

“I wasn’t intentionally in a gang. They never said I was part of the gang. My friend Jez just took me to meet his brother and friends, said that I could earn some money and we started to hang out. A lot. Then everything spiraled and got worse and I got stuck.”

“What about college?”

“I flunked high school.”

“Why didn’t you retake?”

“Why the fuck does it matter? What’s with all the questions? I’m a fuckup. You haven’t been here, Jules. This place swallows you whole. What am I supposed to do? Just find a job? Leave with no money? We can’t all run off and be successful like you and leave everyone behind.”

The words fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to calm myself. His intrusive questions have pissed me the fuck off. So easy to judge when he has no idea. But that doesn’t matter as Jules looks at me with such contempt I want to sink down into the seat. He said earlier he wouldn’t recognize me…well, the same goes for me at this moment. Jules isn’t the nice guy I remembered as a kid. This guy in front of me looks like a hardened asshole that could fuck you up with one punch. Before I get a chance to apologize, his leg under the table tangles with mine as he secures it in a tight hold that I can’t move from. Jesus, how can his legs be so damn strong?

“If we weren’t in public right now, I would beat your ass for that little outburst. Don’t play me, Kai. You don’t know me anymore.”

I can’t stop spewing words that aren’t helping the situation.

“And you don’t know me. Asshole .”

I’m freaked the fuck out when Jules grins at me. The smile is so large, I start looking around the room for exits. Why is he smiling?

“I do know you. You just told me. You’re a fuckup, right?”

As I said, he’s an asshole, so I refuse to say anything back even though it’s killing me not to have the last word.

“Time to go see your mom,” he says, as he stands and leaves money on the table before walking away, leaving me to trail after him, completely confused by what just happened.

The drive is quiet, and I spend most of it looking out of the window. I could sense Jules looking at me from time to time. It’s so strange having his attention on me, and I’d love to know what’s going on inside his head and why he keeps staring. Knowing my luck he’s probably planning my death and sizing up my body for a casket. We arrive back at my mom’s and before I have a chance to open my door, it swings open with Mom glaring down at me. If looks could kill. She looks defeated, and I hate that it’s always me putting that look of worry on her face. She deserves better.

“Get your ass inside, Kai,” she yells at me. I want to roll my eyes but decide just to take whatever it is she says and do what she wants. I owe her that much. Damn it, I owe it to myself.

She completely ignores Jules and storms into the house as we both follow after her.

Fuck my life.