Forty Five

Forty-Five

Ana

S taring out of the window, I don’t think I’ve ever been so bored and yet, at the same time, so preoccupied. I don’t get any peace, my head won’t let me. So many things are filling it: a million what ifs, a thousand scenarios, hours of wishing parallel worlds existed and I’d just inadvertently slipped into the wrong one. The hope that it might all right itself, one day, lives on inside of me. But that ridiculous, unrealistic hope is tempered by the fact that leaving this world, again, it would mean losing Joel. And I don’t want to lose him. I know that now. I don’t want to lose him…

“Penny for ‘em, kiddo.” Cady smiles and sits down on the arm of the chair next to the window. “Or are they still worth more than that?”

I turn around and lean back against the window-ledge, my fingers clinging onto it. “I’m just thinking about what happens when this is all over.”

“Well, my guess is that we all go back to normal.”

I glance back over my shoulder; back out of the window. “I’m not sure I know what normal is anymore.”

“It’s whatever you want it to be, Ana.”

I look at Cady, and smile slightly. But I don’t say anything.

“Renard; your father–”

“He isn’t my father. He doesn’t get to be that man.”

Cady crosses her legs and clasps her hands together on her lap. “So, you really don’t care that they’re planning to murder him?”

“I thought they’d already done that. I thought he was dead. And I felt nothing. And they’re not planning anything, they’re going to murder him. I just hope they get it right this time.”

Cady drops her head and takes a second. I sneak another look outside, although I have no clue what I’m looking for, exactly. What I’m expecting to see. I think I just want to see normal life going on out there to remind me that normality exists. This street is so quiet, though. I don’t think I’ve seen one other person since I came here. Which was only a couple of days ago, to be fair, but still…

“Was it really so bad at Lars and Lea’s?” Cady asks, and I turn my head to look at her. And it’s my turn to take a second.

“It wasn’t bad. It was just – weird. In the beginning it was like we’d never been apart. Those first couple of days were like old times, but after that it became obvious it was so far from that. It was nothing like old times. I think they resented me, Cady.”

“I’m sure they didn’t, Ana.”

“They did. I don’t think they wanted to, they just couldn’t help it. All the shit that had happened to me, it shouldn’t have affected them, but it did. And I don’t think they could get past that. Every time they looked at me it was a reminder of what they’d lost…”

“They didn’t lose anywhere near as much as you.”

“No, I know. They know that, too. But they lost a life they’d built, one that was good, and then in the blink of an eye it was gone. Because of me. And I know they didn’t say it in so many words, but I could feel it. And it wasn’t just that, I couldn’t settle. I thought I’d feel safer there, with them, and I did. For a while. Until I realized it was just my mind tricking me into believing that’s what I was feeling.” I shrug and turn my head to look back outside. “I couldn’t stay there, Cady. I can’t get that life back. It’s gone.”

“And Joel?”

My eyes lock on hers. “What about him?”

“Is he your future?”

I drop my gaze, stare down at the dark gray carpet; my black and white Converse. “I guess that’s something I’ve yet to find out.”

There’s a moment of silence, and I close my eyes and take a breath and wish for… I don’t know what to wish for. Not anymore. An end to this nightmare and the start of something else, that’s the best I can do right now.

“Would you like something to eat?” Cady asks, and I open my eyes and shake my head.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat, Ana. And I know I’m not the greatest cook, I’m certainly no Freja, but I do a mean meatballs and mashed potatoes. I know that’s one of your favorites.”

I find myself smiling. She’s doing her best to keep my mood up, this isn’t a situation either of us want to be in. “Thank you, Cady.”

“For what?”

“For doing this. For being here. I’m sure there are a hundred other places you’d rather be right now. A hundred other things you’d rather be doing.”

“Not really.” She gets up and heads for the door. “I’m quite enjoying the chance to catch up on some TV and read some books. Do you want lingonberry sauce with those meatballs?”

I smile again and nod, even though my appetite is non-existent. “Please.”

She returns my smile and heads off to the kitchen. I resume my position facing the window. It’s still all quiet out there. Still peaceful; calm. And all I wish for now is for my life to be the same…