Twenty Seven

Twenty-Seven

Joel

“I don’t know how to talk him out of it, Dag.”

“You can’t,” Dag sighs, stretching his legs out in front of him. We’re sitting on the porch steps, drinking home-brewed beer and eating salmon, dill and salad sandwiches fixed by Freja. “He’s made his mind up. He needs to do whatever he has to do.”

Dag Pedersen is a man most of us turn to for advice about this life we love: were drawn to, for whatever reasons, but still sometimes struggle to understand. He’s been a part of the club forever, he’s seen it all, and survived. That’s a goal not all of us are confident we’re going to be able to achieve.

“He’s not thinking straight.” I light up a cigarette and take a drag, staring out at this pretty little suburban street with its neat gardens and tree-lined pathways. It’s not dissimilar to my own, because I need an escape. Something different. We all do. Most of us, anyway.

“If what you’ve told me is true, I’d say it sounds like he’s thinking pretty straight to me.”

I look at Dag, pick up my beer and down a long draft. “He doesn’t know what he wants.” I shift my gaze back out front.

“I think, maybe, that’s your problem, Joel. Not Skip’s.”

I frown, my eyes back on Dag. “Huh?”

“You’ve changed, too. Since Ana.”

“Bullshit!” I protest, once more shifting my gaze, downing another draft of beer. But I’m lying, to Dag and to myself. I guess I just don’t want to face it. I’d rather bury my head in the sand and ignore the truth.

“You sure about that?”

I take a minute. And I wish none of this shit was happening, but it is. And there’s not a thing I can do to change it.

“He doesn’t want her near any of us, Dag.”

“Understandable. She’s still getting used to all of this, she needs time.”

I drop my head: sigh quietly. “And he knows, how I feel about her, although, if I can’t get my head around how I feel about her myself how the fuck can he claim to know anything?”

“Because he knows you , Joel.”

I take another second, and I’m not really enjoying this conversation. It’s heading in a direction I wasn’t prepared for it to go. “Why has he made it my responsibility to make sure nobody goes near her? Why has he done that, if he knows how I feel about her? If he knows we’ve slept together? Why would he do that?”

“Maybe he’s testing you.”

“Testing me? What the fuck for?”

“He wants you to take over. Only right he’d want someone he can trust in charge of this club.”

I drop my head again, let out another, slightly heavier sigh. “Well, I guess I failed on that one.”

“Is it something you both want?”

I slowly raise my gaze, my eyes locking on Dag’s.

“You, and Ana. Is it what you both want?”

“How… how do you know?”

“I’ve been around the block more times than I care to admit, Joel. And all you boys, you’re like the sons I never had. I know you. All of you. And I can tell when one of you is struggling with something.”

“We shouldn’t be together, Dag.” I shake my head and take a long, deep drag on my cigarette. “But I can’t stop thinking about her, and I don’t know why this is happening, I just know that it is, but Skip, he’s gonna take her away. When he leaves, he’s taking her with him.”

“Then you need to talk to him. But only if this is something you think is going to matter. And I’m guessing it’s far too early for either of you to know that yet.”

“He’s not going to be happy.”

“Better you tell him the truth than lie to him. He’ll respect that far more.”

“He warned me off. Told me never to touch her again–”

“And he had no right to say that.”

Both Dag and I look up at the sound of her voice. Ana.

“I’ll leave you both to it,” Dag says, getting up and heading inside.

“I thought you’d gone out with Freja?”

She sits down next to me. “I had. And now I’m back.”

Freja throws us both a reassuring smile, gently squeezing my shoulder as she passes me before following Dag inside, closing the door behind her.

“So, Skip doesn’t approve, huh?”

I look at her, every fucking emotion it’s possible to feel vying for space in my head. “He’s thinking of leaving the club. Starting a new life.” And I know he doesn’t want me telling anyone about that, but this is necessary. Ana deserves to be able to make her own decisions. Her own choices. We took so much of that away from her, now it’s time to pay her back. Respect her. Treat her like a fucking human being.

“Okay. But, what’s that got to do with you and me?”

Our eyes lock. “ Is there a you and me?”

“Do you want there to be?”

I don’t know… Yes. I do. But she’s like no other woman I’ve been with before. She’s younger. She doesn’t know this life. She’s a fighter, she’s stubborn; confrontational. She smiles at me and my head’s fucked for hours. We broke her world in two and she still wants to be with me. “Do you ?”

The corner of her mouth inches upward. “Do you think one of us should, you know, actually try answering that question?”

I laugh, dragging a hand back through my hair. “Maybe.”

“I want there to be an us.”

I look at her. And I smile. And I should tell her there’s no way it could happen, no way it should happen, but I’m tired of living by rules I don’t always agree with. It’s time I started making some of my own.

“Skip has no place telling us what to do, Joel.”

“It isn’t that simple, Ana. It’s complicated.”

“Is it?”

I sigh quietly, shifting my gaze out front. “If he’s serious about leaving this life, he’s taking you with him.”

“He doesn’t have any right to decide what happens to me. Where I go. Who I see.”

Her confidence is back. The fight is there, in her eyes, but I don’t know if this fight is one she can win.

“He wants you to live a life that’s safe. One that your mama would want you to live, not this life. This isn’t safe.”

“My mama would want me to be happy, Joel. That’s all my mama would want.”

“This life killed her, Ana.”

“I know that.” Her eyes are cold now. Hard. There’s an edge to her that I haven’t seen before. Hell, this kid has done a shit load of growing up in such a small amount of time. “I was there.”

I drop my gaze, but I still feel her eyes on me.

“Skip can go where he likes. He can do what he wants. And I truly believe that he loved my mama, I do, I believe that. Now. But he has no say in what I do with the rest of my life.”

“He cares about you, that’s all.”

“And I’m grateful to him for that. But that doesn’t give him the right to decide what I do with my life, I’m done with that shit. I did as I was told in the beginning because I was scared. I was grieving. I didn’t know anything about this club or this life. This world. But now? I know enough to be able to make my own mind up about things. You can’t keep me prisoner anymore, Joel. I don’t need babysitting, I don’t need to prove to you or anyone else that you can trust me. I’m not going anywhere, okay? And I’m not going anywhere because I want to be with you .”

I look into her eyes, and I believe every word she’s telling me. “I’m not the kind of man you should be with, Ana.”

“That’s my decision to make.”

“I’m not a good person.”

“I think you are.”

“You could get hurt, if you stay here. Maybe Skip’s right…”

“Again, what I do, where I live, who I spend my time with, that’s my decision. Not yours. Not Skip’s. Mine.”

“You can’t tell him we’re together, Ana.”

She narrows her eyes: tilts her head. “The one thing I never thought you were was weak, Joel.”

“Jesus Christ…” I can’t stop the hollow laugh from escaping. “I’m not fucking weak.”

“Then we tell him we’re together. We tell him I’m going nowhere.”

“He’ll kill me.”

“Oh, come on! This macho, ego-driven, testosterone-fuelled, fucked up life you all lead, it’s ridiculous!”

Is she fucking kidding me…?

“Stand up to him! Put yourself first, it isn’t a fucking crime.”

I’ve never heard her speak like this before. Never seen her so determined. So angry.

“I hated this place, when I was forced to be here. But now I’m making a choice, Joel. And that’s because of you, not because this world fascinates me, because it did. For a while. Before my mama got caught up in it. Before I was forced to face up to the fact I was going to be living in it. I had this stupid idea that men like you were wild and dangerous and everything I thought I wanted. I thought this world and the people in it, I thought it was exciting. I was wrong. I loved the idea of it, all of it: the life, the men, the world, and it’s nothing like my fantasy filled ideals imagined it would be. The reality is very different. But you’re in this world, and I’m choosing to stay here because of you. I’m choosing to live this life because you’re in it.”

“If Skip leaves: if I’m the new President, it makes everything that little bit more dangerous, Ana.”

“Do you want to be with me, Joel?”

“Did you hear what I just–?”

“Do you want to be with me?”

Our eyes are locked. Her expression calm. Unwavering. She’s forcing me to tell her the truth. “Yes. I want to be with you.”

She shrugs and pulls herself to her feet. “Then there’s nothing more to talk about. Is there?”

She goes inside, and I’m not sure it’s all quite as done and dusted as she thinks it might be, there are loose ends all over the place. Telling Skip the truth: facing up to him, it isn’t quite as simple as she might think it is, but when all’s said and done, she’s killing me. And if facing Skip is what I have to do to be with her, then I’ll fucking die trying…