Twenty Six

Twenty-Six

Ana

“H ey! I didn’t think you were… Woah! What have you done , girl?” Cady stops what she’s doing and stands there, hands on hips as she looks me up and down. “Shit, Ana. You look hot !”

“I just wanted to look different.”

“Well, job done.”

I wanted him to notice me. Joel. That’s what I’d really wanted, but that didn’t go the way I’d planned it in my head. That’s why I’m here, at the store, rather than the clubhouse. I got Kit to drop me off after we’d had lunch in the park together: burgers and fries from the club-owned deli down the street. Kit’s nice. He’s becoming a good friend, another one of the few people I feel I’m able to trust right now.

I look around, at the boxes of stock lying all over the floor: handmade jewelry; some T-shirts, scarves, hats; accessories. All very similar to the kind of things my old store had used to sell.

“I thought they were just coming to talk to us today?” I say, looking up at the ceiling. “Has that been painted already?”

Cady follows my gaze. “Yep. Thought I’d get an early start. And as for those meetings, let’s just say they were more helpful than even I’d anticipated.”

“And all of this stock, it’s… legitimate?”

“As far as I know.”

I cock my head and frown, but she just smiles. “Yes, Ana, it’s legit.”

“Okay…” I’m not sure whether I believe her or not, but I’m slowly learning it’s pointless to question too much. It doesn’t get you anywhere. “Do you need any help?” I might as well make myself useful. And this is supposed to be our business, not just Cady’s. I should start pulling my weight more.

“You can start laying out those rings and bracelets in the trays over there, on the counter. I have no doubt you have a good eye for that kind of thing, this not being your first rodeo in retail, so to speak.”

I smile at her. She smiles back. I really like Cady.

“And prop open the front door. Let some air in. The paint smell’s getting a little overpowering.”

We get to work, singing along to a playlist Cady’s compiled, of music she thinks we’d both like. And it’s proving to be a nice distraction, putting my time and effort into something that’s actually worth it. It’s nice, seeing something start to appear, a chance to have something constructive to do. Something to take my mind off everything. Or some of it, anyway.

“So, have you seen Joel today?” Cady asks, and I can tell from the way she’s looking at me, out the corner of her eye: the way she’s pretending not to look at me at all, but she knows, why I did this. Why I changed my look. She knows one of the reasons why.

“I saw him earlier, at the clubhouse. But only briefly. He was busy.”

“And?”

“And, what?” I know exactly what she’s getting at, I’m just not in the mood for this conversation. So I’m going to try and derail it before it even gets going. “Look, Cady, dying my hair, changing my clothes, I didn’t do that for anyone other than me.” I’m lying. Of course I’m lying!

Cady smiles and shrugs. “Okay.”

And that response irritates the hell out of me, but I suck it up and get on with what I’m doing, until we hear a motorbike pull up outside, and when I glance out of the window my stomach both drops and flips, all at the same time.

“Well, speak of the devil,” Cady says, and I feel her eyes on me, even though I’m not looking at her. I’m looking down, at the bracelets and bangles I’m organizing into neat piles, ready to be displayed by type, price, and design. “His ears must’ve been burning. Wonder what he wants?”

I have no idea what he wants. I have no idea why he’s here.

“Hey, Cady. Ana.”

“Hey, Joel. What you doing here?” Cady asks, while I give him no response. I keep my back to him. Keep sorting those bracelets before I can move onto the rings.

“I was just passing. Thought I’d stop by and see how things were going.”

“Things are going just fine, as you can see. And now that Ana’s here we can get this place stocked twice as quickly, three times if you feel like giving us a hand? There are some heavier boxes out back that need moving in here, it’d be a real help if you could get them for me.”

“Sure.”

I hear him stride past me, into the back of the shop, and I spin around and look at Cady. “You can move those boxes yourself. You’ve already brought two of them in.”

She shrugs. Again. “I wanted to make him feel useful. I wanted to make sure he hung around, for a little while. I thought you’d be pleased.”

“Why would I be pleased, Cady?”

“Because you like him, Ana. You can’t fool me, kiddo, I can see it all over your face. Which probably means he can see it, too.”

“Alright, I’m done here. I’m going.”

“What are you running from, Ana?”

I stop: turn around to face her. “You told me to steer clear of these men. You said Joel was no saint.”

“I also said he wasn’t a bad man.”

“They’re all bad men. Aren’t they?”

“When it matters. When they need to be. They’re also nothing but good to those people they care about. And Joel, he cares about you .”

“Where do you want these?” Joel comes back out onto the shop floor, carrying two large boxes of stock.

“Just stick them down there. Thanks,” Cady replies.

“Anything else?” he asks.

Cady shakes her head. “No. We’re good. You’re welcome to hang around, though, if you want. In fact, you could make yourself useful and go make some fresh coffee.”

He smiles, at Cady, not at me, and disappears into the back room.

“Come on, Ana. Stop running, okay?”

I sit down on a purple couch next to a shelving unit full of incense sticks, burners, crystals and candles. The smell is heady and intoxicating.

“I don’t know what to do, Cady. I don’t even know what it is I’m feeling. It’s confusing, all of this, it’s so fucking confusing.”

Cady pulls herself up onto the counter and crosses her legs up underneath herself. “Do you know what I’m gonna tell you now, Ana? It’s a bit clichéd, but, you know, probably necessary. Just go with your heart. Fuck your head, god knows I made enough mistakes doing what I thought was right when it was so far from what I really wanted to do, so, just do what feels right. For you. Trust your gut. You only get one life, kiddo, and I know yours has turned a corner you could never have dreamed it was going to take, but you need to make the most of that. Fighting it won’t help anything.” Her phone rings out and she slides it from her pocket, jumping down from the counter. “Gotta take this. Won’t be a sec.”

She heads outside and I sit back, glancing around this store that’s now mine, the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting in from the back room.

“I’ve gotta run, kiddo.” Cady comes back inside. “Somewhere I need to be. You gonna stick around here for a bit?”

I feel panic rise. That means I’m alone, with him. With Joel.

“You’ll be fine.” Cady winks. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay?” And she smiles before disappearing back out onto the street.

I get up and lift a box up onto the counter and start unpacking it, ignoring every stab of anxiety I’m feeling right now.

“Where’s Cady?”

I spin around, and he’s standing there, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, eyes fixed on mine.

“She had to go.”

“Okay… Do you want a coffee?”

“I… yeah.” Why am I tongue-tied? I wasn’t like that before, I was confrontational. Ready to argue with him. Push him. Question him. Kiss him. Sleep with him… What’s wrong with me now?

He heads out back and returns with two mugs of hot coffee. I take the one he offers me and lean back against the counter.

“You don’t have to hang around. I’ve got a lot to do here.”

“You shouldn’t be on your own.”

“Are we seriously still doing that?” I’m finding my voice again, because he’s just reminded me of the fucked up way I’m being told I need to live in this world, one I would never have chosen for myself. Not now I know what the reality of it is.

“Can we trust you yet?”

I hold his gaze, feeling my confidence return. “You can trust me. I’m not running, not anymore.” Not yet, anyway. I can’t run, until I find somewhere to run to. Until I find Lars and Lea and get back to some sort of normality.

He sets his coffee down and sits down on the arm of the couch, clasping his hands together between his knees. “Have you ever had any contact with your father, Ana? Since he left you and Sofia?”

He knows I haven’t. Why is he asking this? “No.” I frown. “I have no idea where he is, I have no clue what he even looks like, I have no recollection of him, at all. And I have no inclination to ever see him again, he caused all of this. Ultimately, he is to blame for Mama’s death. If he hadn’t left her with all that debt she wouldn’t have had to go looking for the kind of work that brought her to your club. She wouldn’t be dead.”

I don’t know where all of that came from, but it needed to be said. I can blame the club; the Hawks. I can blame this life. But Mama and I would have been nowhere near any of this if my father hadn’t left us in the way that he had.

“Ana, I’m sorry.” Joel gets up. Comes over to me. He doesn’t touch me, but he’s close. So close.

I look up at him. “What are you sorry for?”

“Bringing up shit you’d rather forget.”

“I can’t forget what happened to my mama. I’ll never forget it. I’m just shifting the blame because I can see a lot more clearly now who’s really responsible.”

He takes a hand out of his pocket: gently touches my cheek, and I try not to react but the shiver that sends through me, it’s shocking.

“I came here to see you, Ana.” His voice is quiet. Serious. And I’m feeling everything all at once. Confusion. Fear. Regret. Excitement…

“Why? It’s felt like all you’ve been doing these past few days is avoiding me.”

“It fucked with my head, what we did.”

“And you think it was any easier for me?”

His hand drops, and he takes a step back. “We should’ve talked.”

“Maybe.” Our eyes lock. “You’re here now.”

He bows his head: drags a hand along the back of his neck. “We shouldn’t be anywhere near each other, Ana. It’s dangerous.”

I can’t argue with that.

He looks up, and this time there’s a determination in his eyes: a seriousness I’ve never seen before.

“But, you know what? Fuck it.” He shrugs: reaches out, wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against him, and we fall into a kiss that, quite literally, makes my knees weaken. I grab onto his kut as his mouth grinds against mine, and I’m just living in the moment, knowing this is not where I should be. This is not what I should be doing but, like he said, fuck it!

He kicks the shop door shut and deftly flicks the lock, but we’re out on the shop floor. The window is huge, it looks out onto the street, and we both get that. Which is why he takes my hand: pulls me into the back room. And I’m not putting up any kind of a fight, because I want this man. I shouldn’t, but I do. I want him so fucking much.

“Do you want this?” he murmurs, and I nod as he lifts me up onto a small wooden table in the center of the tiny kitchen.

“I want this,” I breathe, placing my hands palm-down behind me as he yanks off my leather pants, my underwear: unzips himself, and I wrap my legs around him, throwing my head back as he pushes inside me.

His thrusts are harsh; rapid; deep, we’re both too worked up to take our time, I just want that release he can give me. I think he wants the same. And when it happens it’s beautiful and intense and crazy hot, his fingers digging into my thighs as he comes, before helping me reach my own climax, one that shakes me to my very core. I can feel him so deep inside of me, our bodies locked together, we fit each other perfectly. But he’s still everything that’s wrong for me. My mama wouldn’t want this, but I do. God help me, I do…