23. Kaila

Iwalked on dead feet, my heart a lump so big in my chest it was going to break through my ribs.

“What are you doing?” Brunnen hissed as the gate swung closed behind us.

“You know what I’m doing. Starting a new life for us. This place looks good.”

I looked around the big open market area, taking in vendors selling their wares and women walking past leading farm animals. This village was big, almost half the size of our old one. Wooden homes had been built around the outside of the market, and beyond, I spied narrow roads lined with more buildings. I also picked up rows of greenery. A garden!

The village was full of women. I saw a few male orcs, but no human men.

“Welcome,” a woman with dark skin said, striding down stairs that led to the top of the wall. She walked over to join us, giving us both a smile. “I’m Mavileen.”

“Kaila,” I said weakly. Everything inside me told me this was wrong, that my place was with Turren even if that meant living in the mountains or a vast, dangerous desert.

Security,I reminded my stupid heart that continued to throb. Keep Brunnen safe.

Why did those words not bring me the comfort they had back in our old village?

“This is my brother, Brunnen,” I said. “We’re excited to be here.”

Brunnen scowled and crossed his arms on his chest. “No, we’re not.”

“Brother,” I scolded. “It’s polite to greet someone when they welcome you into their village.”

“We don’t belong here,” he said simply.

Mavileen’s eyebrows lifted. “Do you two need a few moments alone to talk?”

“Yes, please.” Heat flooded my face, chasing away my gut-wrenching sorrow if for only a few moments. “I’m sorry. Would you . . .?”

She flashed a smile. “No worries. I’ll wait over there.” Her arm lifted to where a few women stood, bristling with weapons. “When you’re ready, come to me. We have vacant homes for those who find their way to us, and I’ll gladly take you to one and help you get settled. You can rest, and in a few days, we’ll talk about where you fit in the village.”

“Thank you.” As she strode over to the others, I reeled around to face Brunnen. “What are you doing? We both decided to leave the village and come here. Now you’re balking?” I wanted to cry. Not only because we’d put up with so much to get here but because . . .

All I could think of was Turren standing solemnly in the forest. Was he still looking this way, still hoping I’d change my mind, or had he turned and strode back into the woods, heading toward his beloved desert home?

I should be with him, a big voice inside me said, but I stomped her flat and glared at Brunnen.

“We don’t belong here,” he said again. “We might’ve when we left our village but not any longer. I can’t believe you walked away from Turren, that you made me come with you.”

“Are you saying you want to return to our old village?” I was floundering in emotions. They kept dropping down over me, smothering me.

And here he was, angry that we’d left the village we’d come from?

“I don’t want to go back there,” he said with disgust.

“Then you want to be here. Well, we’re here.” Fury rose inside me, a plague that would threaten everything I loved, even myself. I started stomping around in front of him, making dirt flick up from my heels. “I sacrificed a lot to come here. We were safe there.”

“Other than your boss wanting you in his bed.”

“I didn’t choose to be with him.”

“Do you really think he was giving you a choice? I saw the way he looked at you. You think I’m too young to understand anything but I’m not.” His voice trembled but he kept going, raking away at the walls I was struggling to build around my heart. “He wanted you and he was going to take you. As for me, I would’ve been shoved out onto the street. He didn’t care what happened to me.”

“I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen.”

“You sound as if you think that even in this, you’d also have a choice. We had no choices in our old village.” He peered around, squinting in the sunshine. “Here? It looks good. A nice place for anyone to settle. A safe place. Lots of guards, high walls, and they’re friendly with the orcs. What could be better?”

“Then why are you complaining? We’re here. We’ll soon settle into our new home. I’ll get a job and our life will be better.”

“How can it be when your heart is breaking?”

I pressed my palm against my chest. “Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

“It is. I saw how much Turren loves you.”

“He’s following the guidance of his fates. That’s not love.”

“How could you miss it? He did everything for us, gave up all he had just to impress you. And you’re throwing him away as if he means nothing to you. But I see it.” He poked my chest. “You love him too.”

I did, but it couldn’t matter.

I clutched the pendant he’d given me. It was precious and beautiful—like him. “He offers no stability. He and his clan move about from the desert to the mountains, barely knowing where they’ll sleep the next night.”

“That’s not true. He explained how they live. They travel but they always have a destination, be it in the mountains on one side of the desert where the voxes mate and lay their eggs or in the low areas around an oasis. Don’t you want to see that, live that?”

“It’s full of uncertainty,” I snarled. “Too many dangers. He told us about those as well.”

“Because he wanted us to clearly see what we faced.”

“It’s too much. Too scary. I can’t risk your life like that.”

“You’re afraid.” He shook his head and for the first time since I’d taken over raising him, I saw disappointment on his face. It sliced through me like a blade, severing something vital inside me.

“I’m not afraid.” For good measure, I poked him in the chest like he’d done to me.

“But you are.” He held up his hand before I could sputter, let alone speak. “And I understand. Who wouldn’t be afraid of taking a risk like that? We’re used to fortress walls, plus the walls of a home around us. We’re used to getting up and going to work, to collecting our pay and buying food. Sleeping and getting up to do it all over again. Day after day, always the same thing. Security? I suppose we had that, as long as you could keep working. Certainty? We had that as well, though I’ll admit that to me, that life sounds boring. And the last one, the one word I know you treasure over almost anything. Stability. We even had that back in the old village.”

“You don’t understand.” My voice shook. I shook. He was naming all the bits and parts of my soul that made up everything that was me.

“I do. Mom and Dad were killed. You’ve done an amazing job, being not just the best big sister I could ever ask for, but a parent. I’ll be grateful to you for the rest of my life.” He braced his hands on my upper arms, holding me still when all I wanted to do was run. I’d keep going forever. Keep going until I dropped.

And then, I suspected, I’d sob.

I was standing inside the village that had been our goal, and I still wasn’t happy.

“You really . . . can’t know how I’m feeling. Everything I’ve done was for you.”

“Don’t make this about me,” he said, tipping my chin, making me meet his eyes. “This is all on you. You chose to toss aside someone you loved to make sure I’d continue to grow up in safety, but I won’t take what you need from you.”

“You’re not taking anything.” I cupped his dear face. Gosh, he just kept growing taller. Our dad had been huge, almost as tall as an orc, and my brother was going to rival that height. “I’m giving you everything I have to make sure you grow up as you should. You’re still a child. You have no say in this.”

“Actually, I do.” He stepped back, away from me, and whatever he took from me hurt. It left me in gut-wrenching, soul-crushing pain.

He lifted his spear that lay on the ground beside his feet and started walking toward the fortress gate.

“Where are you going?” I raced after him.

“This isn’t the life I want.”

“It’s the only life you can have.” Anger burst inside me, writhing like a serpent about to strike. “I’ve given up everything to raise you. At twelve, a year younger than you, I had to stop being a child and become a parent. I got a job, and I worked all the damn time. I kept our house clean, I cooked, and I sat with you when you were sick. I kept nothing for myself.”

He turned back and he looked so sad, I wanted to hug him. He was my little brother and he needed me, but I suspected whatever I offered him now would never be enough.

“Then we’ll stay. I’ll continue to be your little brother while you work incredibly hard. I’m very proud of you, don’t you know? I’ll eat the meals you make and keep experimenting with cooking myself, because I think I’m pretty good at it.”

“You are,” I croaked.

“I’ll get an apprenticeship with the smithy here, if they have one, or with someone. A carpenter or a mason. It doesn’t really matter. It’s a job. Security. Boring and without the sun setting across a vast open plain, but who needs something like that? I guess what we’ll build here will someday be enough.”

Pivoting, he started walking toward Mavileen, but he turned back. “You could change all this, change both our futures, and I bet you’d find it’s so much better.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant. Actually, deep inside, I did know. I just didn’t want to admit it.

“Can I?” I was a hollowed-out core. Nothing, if I couldn’t cling to the purpose that had driven me for the past ten years.

“You can if you shove the fear away and let life give you the best gift in the world.”

Again, I fell back to my overwhelming need for stability, for certainty. “I can’t wander around the desert for the rest of my life.”

“Not even if it means being with Turren?”