Chapter Ten

January 22, 1818

Baselton House

St. James Place

Vivian came awake to the sensation of a fleeting sort of caress on her nape, and when she cracked open her eyes, it was to find her husband pressing feather-weighted kisses to her skin. As he moved downward between her shoulder blades, she sighed and braced herself against the shivers of desire curling through her lower belly.

"Leave off, Baselton. I am exhausted from our exertions last night." Her words were muffled from the pillows as she hid her face in the down-filled bags. Moving her limbs set off a pleasant lethargy as well as mild aches in her muscles that only came about from indulging in vigorous and copious intercourse.

Of which they'd indulged the night before.

"I thought to wake you gently today." He continued his line of kissing down her spine and when he reached her arse, he gave one of the cheeks a light bite. "Unfortunately, though my appetite for you is still quite stoked, I have a meeting to attend soon."

"Oh?" It was all too lovely having his hands on her body, being kissed awake by her handsome husband, but when he slightly parted her thighs and rubbed his fingers along her sensitive flesh to coax out the button from her center, she squealed and batted his hand away as she turned over. "If you don't have the time, then by heavens, don't arouse me. It will make me furious with you, and I'll have to pass the day in want."

"All the better to be certain you grace my bed tonight, hmm?" Evan leaned over her and then claimed her lips in a barely-there kiss. When he pulled away, he grinned, and it was much like the man he'd been a long time ago. "Thank you for last night, though. I cannot tell you how empowering and how humbling it was to couple with you." Moisture gathered in his eyes. "It was rather the best homecoming I've ever experienced. Of course, I don't remember other homecomings…"

"That was so sweet of you to say, but I did nothing that any other woman wouldn't have done in the same situation." Not wishing to become an emotional watering pot so early in the day, she surged upward, looped her arms about his shoulders, and hugged him close. "But I understand. Quite frankly, you have nothing to worry about."

By the time she pulled away, moisture had fallen to his cheeks. "You are wrong, sweeting, in one thing. Not many women would have done what you did, which is why you are so remarkable." He kissed her again before finally leaving the bed. "I must dress. I'm meeting with Edenthorpe regarding the plans surrounding the rout tomorrow night."

"Right. I have a final gown fitting today for the same event." A touch of cold worry circled through her belly. "I have both excitement and unease for the rout."

"I do as well, but it must be done." He shrugged. "After meeting with the duke, I'm stopping by to visit with St. Clair. They've a new babe in the household, and he is one of the only rogues I haven't met yet. I guess he's been concerned about his wife these past few weeks and hasn't left home much." As his expression softened, he grinned. "I want to ensure that his little family will remain safe, and I want to make certain he understands that I'm doing this for him. I feel the same for Lockwood and all my friends who've started families."

"You are a treasure, Baselton." Her heart trembled as she left the bed and cast about for her abandoned chemise she'd shed at some point during the night. "I am encouraged that you seem to have found your confidence and good humor."

"As am I." A wicked gleam entered his eyes as he watched her don the shift. "Will I see you for tea?"

"I believe so. I'm taking luncheon with the Duchess of Lockwood but should be home in time for tea with you." It was one of their little traditions she looked forward to the most. "Perhaps tomorrow we can resume our walks."

"Let us hope the forecast is favorable. If not, there are forms of exercise that are mutually beneficial to us both." With a wink, he moved to the door that led to the adjoining dressing room. "I shall pop in on you before I leave. It will be quite odd to see a newborn infant. I've not had cause to be around a babe… at least, I assume. And I'm told Lady St. Clair is quite bold. I'm anticipating a lovely visit."

A flash of something jumped into her mind, and she nodded with distraction. "I'm going to freshen myself and dress for breakfast." By the time she reached her own suite, she finally gave into the memory, for there was no point in holding it back.

January 7, 1810

Baselton House

St. James Place

It was the last day of her husband's leave. In the evening, he would once more head out to join his regiment and depart England to fight in the effort to beat Napoleon. While Evan waited for her in the drawing room before they enjoyed dinner together, she concluded necessary functions in their shared bedchamber behind the painted silk privacy screen.

"Well, drat." The obvious evidence that her monthly courses had started was clear.

"Are you well, my lady?" her maid inquired on the other side of the screen.

"No." The word came out as a wail. "My courses have started." Which meant yet again, for another month she wasn't pregnant. "Please fetch me some cloths to wrap around myself. I'll need to go into dinner soon."

"Of course, my lady." The maid peeked around the privacy screen. "For what it's worth, I'm terribly sorry. I know how much you wished for a child."

"Thank you."

In her logical mind, she realized that her husband hadn't been home long enough for her to even be with child, but the fanciful part of her mind had hoped so much for such a thing. She'd been married to Evan for three years, and for much of that time, he had been away to war. Though he tried to come home on leave whenever he could, those short visits were not enough to come to know more about him as a man nor was it enough time to really indulge in meaningful intimacy.

By the time she joined Evan in the drawing room, she was on the verge of tears.

Immediately, he sprang up from a low sofa the moment he caught sight of her. "What has happened? You are close to a watering pot and seem to carry the weight of the ages upon your shoulders." As soon as he closed the distance, he took her hands in his.

The gentle expression of concern made the tears fall. In heartbroken tones, she told him of her recent discovery. "At this point, I fear my hopes for a child will never be realized."

"Ah, Vivy, I had no idea the appearance of your menses would cause so much trauma." When he tugged her into his arms and simply held her close, and she took refuge in that strength. "Is having a child your greatest dream?"

"I'm not certain it's the pinnacle of my existence, but it would be nice to have someone around while you are on the march. Someone who would love me unconditionally." As of yet, he still hadn't told her that he loved her, but then their marriage had been arranged so it wasn't expected. "If that never happens, I don't know how I'll feel, honestly." They hadn't been together long enough to know if she was the problem or if the stress of having him away was contributing to those factors.

"I understand, but don't give up hope. Three years of marriage isn't much time, and I haven't been home much of that time." When he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, she briefly closed her eyes. "Once my commission expires in two years, I will be home for the duration, and we can more permanently focus on creating a family if that is what you still want."

"Thank you. I look forward to that."

He pulled away enough to peer down into her face. "In the meanwhile, perhaps you should hire a companion and travel throughout England. Perhaps Bath or Brighton and try to relax. I would suggest the Continent, but with the war, that is next to impossible just now."

"That is a lovely idea. Perhaps I will. My brother is courting a friendly enough woman. She might wish to travel with me." Then she heaved a sigh. "Though I would prefer to explore the world with you."

"And I have every intention of doing exactly that, once this damned war is over." As he brushed his lips over hers, butterfly wings tickled through her lower belly. Truly, she couldn't wait to begin a real life together with him. "Once my commission expires, I'll be in London. Perhaps set up a small private practice or a surgery in addition to attending my responsibilities to the tile, but I promise that you and I will travel."

"I'll count down the minutes." Perhaps that would fill the void where a child should be.

Present day

Marlowe House

Marylebone, London

Later that afternoon, Vivian was ensconced in the Lockwood drawing room with Juliet as well as the Duchess of Broadmoor, who asked to be referred to as Georgianna to remove the confusion of using formal titles. It was quite a lovely interlude, for she truly liked and admired these ladies.

"Oh, I could eat the remainder of the tea tray by myself," Georgianna said with a groan and a hand on her slightly swollen belly. "It's three and a half months until this child is due, but I am always hungry. I shall be as big as a house if this trend continues."

"I well remember that time." Juliet chuckled then took a sip of tea. Her blonde hair gleamed in the sunlight that streamed through the window. "Although I'm glad to have my figure back as well as full mobility, I do miss being with child." Purple shadows beneath her eyes spoke of sleep that had been disrupted since she delivered her own baby. "There is something so special and ethereal about carrying a babe, if you overlook the need to eat everything you see."

Though the lighthearted banter was amusing, hurt and exclusion stabbed through Vivian's chest, for she would never know what either of those things felt like. "I'm certain you will be a wonderful mother," she said in a low voice and then forced a hard swallow into her throat. As she smiled at the brunette, she tamped down on the other emotions fairly howling inside her. "I always dreamed of being a mother, but it appears fate has other plans for me."

What those plans were, she couldn't begin to say, for though Evan had come back to her, he was a completely different man than he used to be.

Juliet tsked her tongue. Compassion filled her blue eyes when she looked at Vivian. "The ability to carry or bear children doesn't mean one woman is better than another." She offered a refresh to Vivian's cup. "There is so much more to your existence than being a mother, Vivian. Besides, your husband recently returned to your life. Don't discount anything at this point."

"Ooh, I heard about that from Broadmoor." Georgianna turned to regard Vivian more fully. "Your handsome husband came back to London, but he has no memories for his past."

"It's true. The first two months, he lived at the club and was under the care of the rogues, but he's been back at our townhouse for almost two weeks." After a shrug, she took a sip of tea. "There have been lovely moments as well as struggles." Quickly she told the ladies about the nightmares and day terrors. "I fear for him as well as my ability to endure these things with him."

"I can well understand that." Juliet reached across the low table to grasp Vivian's hand and squeeze before releasing her. "When I first met Lockwood, he suffered from the same thing. Perhaps not to the same extent as your husband, but it was just as concerning." She pressed her lips together. "He still suffers from them; I rather doubt it is something that will go away entirely."

"Broadmoor has the same issues, only in his case, when they grow too bad, depression sets in." The other woman's chin trembled. "At times, he flies close to the flame that is wishing to end his life. Thankfully, we haven't had one of those scares in a while."

It was encouraging that these ladies understood the perils involved in being married to an ex-military man. Vivian nodded. "He has asked me to make certain laudanum is not left in his sight, for it is too much of a temptation." As succinctly as she could, she told them about his last day terror where Twinsfield had to help.

"You must remain strong in these instances," Juliet said while shifting in on her sofa. "War was difficult on many of the men. Some were wounded physically, but it's the emotional wounds, the scars on their souls, that are more concerning."

"Which is why it's so important that we not give up on them," Georgianna said with a nod. "I know it's difficult and frustrating, but if you love your husband enough, you will try to help him as much as you can only if it's merely being there to listen to the stories."

"Which Evan cannot remember." She frowned at her half-full teacup. "I do not have plans to abandon him, of course, and recently, we have become… close."

"Oh!" Juliet's eyes sparkled. She shared a knowing glance with Georgianna. "The earl finally remembered how to give you a tumble." Then both duchesses erupted into peals of laughter.

Heat went through Vivian's cheeks, but she couldn't deny it. With a soft smile, she nodded. "It was… different than before in small ways, but no less enjoyable." The hand holding the teacup trembled. "We, uh, came together twice last night." This time, when the other ladies giggled, she joined in. "It was the conclusion of difficulties we'd been having compounded by a sense of possession he had after seeing that Lord Starkington had called on me once more."

Georgianna frowned. "Is he still courting you?"

"No, of course not. I broke things off with him once Baselton came home." She placed her cup in the saucer and then laid them both on the table. "I'm afraid he's furious about that, has some delusion that he still wishes to marry me, but I'm no longer free."

Juliet huffed. "If you were, would you resume your relationship with him?"

"I don't…" She shook her head. "No! I'm with Evan. He is my husband, and quite frankly, I suspect that I am falling in love with the man he is now. It has taken some time, but I realize the man he used to be is never going to return, yet the man I'm coming to know is… sweet, and kind, and I feel safe when I'm with him." Briefly, she bit her bottom lip. "I want to continue knowing him, make a life with him if I can regardless of the obstacles we'll face."

Since Georgianna was closer, she laid a hand on Vivian's arm. "Never lose that faith. Things are frightening for all of us just now, but we must be convinced they won't always be such. Stay strong."

"Thank you." She blinked away the tears in her eyes. "It's lovely to have people to talk with who understand this unique issue." Using a corner of her napkin to whisk away the drops that welled, she sighed. "Evan is a good man. He's worried about the threat against his fellow rogues. In fact, he's taken it upon himself to help in the protection effort."

"Lockwood said as much the other day." Juliet's countenance clouded with similar concern. "He has been on edge since the break in."

"I can imagine, but something needs to be done to stop the violence."

Georgianna gasped and laid a hand on her belly. "Sorry. The babe is kicking, and it's quite an odd feeling." With a wry glance, she shrugged. "Don't forget that Viscount Rockwell is also back in Town, and it seems there is a woman in his wake and that they're expected to have an engagement forced upon them." A sigh escaped her, and a dreamy expression crossed her face. "I wonder if they'll truly be in love when they marry."

A quick stab of jealousy went through Vivian's chest. It was both unexpected and annoying. "If so, then it will be quite an easy affair."

"There is no cause for jealousy." Juliet scoffed but amusement danced in her eyes. "Loving any of the rogues is never easy—not even Rockwell I'll wager." She met Vivian's gaze with a frown. "It seems our roads to a happy ending are fraught with peril and problems. But it's sweeter in the end. You won't find any better men than those men. And knowing they are so tightly knit is a boon. It helps."

"Yes, I'm quite grateful for that friendship." Then she frowned, including them both. "Are you afraid of what's happening against them? Again you?" Was it only a matter of time until she was attacked merely because she was married to Baselton?

"Of course. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't." Though that emotion was etched into her face, there was also determination.

Vivian nodded. "How do you endure?"

Juliet smiled. "I trust my husband. I trust his friends. And I trust myself."

"That is exactly it," Georgianna said with a quick nod. "That band of brothers is tighter than blood family at times. They will defend against any and every threat."

"While I understand that, I fear that Evan will do something horrible to himself if his current confidence is punctured or if something else horrible happens to one of his friends." She shivered as fear played its icy fingers down her spine. "I couldn't bear that."

Juliet left her place on the sofa and then resettled on the spot next to Vivian. "That is always a worry, but you must love him anyway, show him that things aren't as awful as he assumes in his broken mind." She clasped her hand and held tight. "Just love him. That's the best advice I can give you. Be there for him while being vigilant. Show him you would continue to choose him over and over again even when he is lost."

"Of course I will, but sometimes it's discouraging."

Georginna chuckled. "It is. I know exactly what you mean, and in hopeless times, I wonder what will happen to our future." Concern filled her eyes. "Every time Broadmoor is lost in those nightmares, I'm fearful in the event he won't come out of them, but he does. Thank goodness he does, and when I'm at my limit, I ask one of the rogues to come by and help. Then I can regain my strength."

"That makes sense." Vivian sighed. "Thank you both. I shall try to lean on my strength and my faith." There was much comfort in the fact that even though these women were constantly overcoming challenges with their husbands, their marriages were strong and mostly happy. Perhaps there was hope for her and Evan after all. She glanced at the tea tray then at Juliet. "Baselton wants me to wear a valuable necklace at the rout tomorrow night in the hopes a thief will be drawn to it as well as me so the rogues might capture and question whomever comes after it."

"Oh, I remember those days." Juliet's grin was infectious. "Lockwood did the same to me with a diamond brooch. Does it sound insane? Of course. Will it work? Probably, and we've all heard enough of these stories with these men to know they won't rest until they've apprehended the criminal and delivered just deserts to whomever is responsible."

Georgianna nodded. "At least we'll be able to go socialize. It feels as if it's been an age, and there should be lovely food!"

All three of them giggled, then the subject matter moved on to gossip.

The weight on Vivian's shoulders lifted, and for the moment, she felt as if the world was right again.