17. Jake

Iput my helmet down in my locker and sit to pull off my skates. It wasn't pretty, but it was a win.

Rio, Castellano, and Vlad are already in the showers and laughing their asses off about something–probably the way Liam spent almost the entire game in the penalty box. It's not his style at all, but something was up his ass tonight, and he was taking it out on our opponents.

I glance his way, noticing he's glowering in the corner, shoving pieces of equipment in his locker with a little too much force. Bang. Thump. Crunch–that sounded expensive.

Carter takes Liam's shoulders from behind, saying something in his ear that fails to produce a smile. They both sneak a surreptitious glance my way, then avert their eyes when they see me looking. Did I do something to piss him off? My first thought goes to the fake engagement. If Liam found out, somehow, he would certainly be pissed I was lying to his face. Not that I can blame him for that. I'd be pissed, too.

Jesse catches my eye, jerking his head for me to come over by his locker in the corner where we'll have a little privacy from being overheard.

"Hey," he says. "How are things in paradise?" Jesse's already cleaned up and dressed after the game, clad in a tight polo over his muscular frame. He's sliding on his watch and digging around in his locker for a deodorant stick.

I scoff. "Confusing." I pull on a shirt, then half-heartedly scrub at my dripping hair with a towel.

"What do you mean?" he looks deadly serious now. It's his sister we're talking about, after all.

I hesitate. Until now, I've pretty much blown off any attempts by Jesse to pry.

But absolutely nothing has gone the way I imagined it would. After Manhattan, we flew back to Frosty Harbor and had to do a kind of announcement tour for our fake engagement. Everybody we'd ever known wanted to give us hugs and gifts, ask questions, and share in our "happiness." I don't know that Caroline or I realized just how much that was going to take a toll on us.

Every time we had to lie, the fragile truth we were trying to build between ourselves seemed to stretch thinner and thinner. By the end of that couple of days in Frosty Harbor, we were hardly talking except to handle taking care of Walker. A "fragile partnership" seemed like the most accurate phrase to describe us.

For a little while in Manhattan, I wondered if things between us could grow into something else. I thought the time we were forced to spend together would trick our brains or something. Instead, it seemed like it just made us bottle up our tensions and stress. Seeing each other was just a reminder of all the lies we were trying to maintain, so we started avoiding seeing each other.

Sure, I've still been flying back to Frosty Harbor to see Walker and Caroline when my schedule allows it. Even with all the mess surrounding us, I've enjoyed my role in his life. I already get excited when I think about seeing him grow up and watching what paths he takes in life. And then everything goes sour when I imagine my relationship with Caroline in that future life of his.

Will we be just as distant? Two practical strangers who made a baby, pretended to get married, got a fake divorce, and went their separate ways? I hope not, but I also don't know if I see how it can go any other way.

I run my hand down my face, stalling as I try to find some version of this I can admit to Jesse. Honestly, I've started just talking to him like I do to everybody else. My default when they ask about the wedding or Caroline is to smile as wide as possible and say how excited I am. Years of getting up in front of the press and pretending I'm not pissed at the coach or furious after a loss have trained me well, I guess.

"It's nothing," I say after way too long of a pause to be convincing.

Jesse's eyebrows scrunch together. "Caroline has seemed off. Especially the last two weeks. Did you do something? Because if you hurt my sister–if you so much as harmed an emotional hair on her head, I'll–"

Despite my conflicted emotions, I snort with laughter. "An emotional hair on her head? I love my Andi and all, but I don't know if I've ever come to blows over emotional hairs."

Jesse grins, punching my arm. "That," he says, holding up his fist. "Was just a warning shot. "Even an emotional nose hair will get you the real thing."

We both laugh, and it feels good. It feels honest. And fuck, that's what I've been missing. I'm not a liar. I don't deceive people. But the plan is working, isn't it? The team and Vanessa are getting closer to getting a deal done by the day. They're impressed with how I've kept myself out of trouble, and they're giving credit to my engagement.

Caroline hasn't heard so much as a whisper from that Peter asshole and my lawyers haven't found anything to imply even a fake wedding won't satisfy the contract.

It's all going according to plan.

"So…" Jake says, noticing the humor fall from my face, probably. "How are things with Walker? It has to be weird. I know my first season with a kid was. It's like you just can't have your head completely in the game. You've got a kid and want to be with them and your woman. Although, I guess your woman isn't really your woman in this case. So that has to make it even weirder."

"Yeah," I say. "I'm seeing him a lot. I'm a pro at the diaper changes now, too. And Caroline was having trouble breastfeeding, so she's pumping now and that means I can help out with night feedings when I'm in town." All my conflicts aside, it does feel great to come back to Frosty Harbor and let Caroline get a full night's sleep whenever I can. She never asks for it, but I love seeing how refreshed and happy she looks when I'm there and can give her that.

It's strange to respect, care about, and feel so goddamn attracted to a woman, and yet… it's like there's some kind of fucking chasm between us. Every day, it seems to widen. We've both been using Walker as an excuse to avoid sleeping with each other. Even though we share her room at the BB when I'm in town, we tend to busy ourselves with the routine of getting Walker and ourselves ready for bed, as if we couldn't possibly imagine fooling around once he's down in his crib.

We haven't slept together since that one night in Manhattan. I've lost count of how many times I've had to fuck my hand to quench the growing sexual frustration that causes, though.

Jesse nods. "So is Caroline still planning to go through with that thing? The wedding extravaganza, or whatever she called it?"

I sigh. The "extravaganza" is probably our one true argument in the last three months. "Caroline can't help herself from trying to turn everything into a town event for Frosty Harbor. She thinks it'll be good for us, too. Somehow," I add with a sour twist of my lips.

Jesse smirks. "That's Caroline. Try to cut her some slack, though. Our mom was selfless when it came to that kind of thing. If she could turn her own moment into something the whole town could enjoy, she'd do it in a heartbeat–even if it stressed her to hell. She just… All she wanted was for the town to feel like a home. For everybody."

"I know," I say softly. Jesse isn't the most emotional guy, but when he gets talking about his late parents, it's still an open wound. "Caroline's doing a damn good job of following in her footsteps. I'll try to stop pushing back about it. I just… fuck. The idea of having fun and games all week in honor of our ‘wedding' makes my stomach sick."

"It'll be fine, man. When it's all over, you can just explain to everybody. You needed your contract. But nobody in town is really going to care about that. They"ll be happy you did it if they know it was to help Caroline save the BB. I know they will. There's no one in Frosty Harbor who wouldn't consider murder if it meant helping Caroline out. Okay?" He punches my chest. "Trust me on that." There's some kind of sparkle in his eye like he's not saying something, but I decide not to press him on it.

I do feel a little better after hearing how confident he is. Jesse knows that town almost as well as Caroline. If he feels that strongly, maybe it's true.

"Alright, yeah. You could be right."

He gives my shoulder a squeeze just as Vlad, fully naked and tall as a fucking giant, runs by laughing. Rio is equally naked and chasing him with a wet towel, trying to pop him in the ass.

Jesse and I both shake our heads ruefully. "Rookies, man," I say.

"Rookies," Jesse agrees. But his eyes grow distant. "I'll miss this."

And there goes my somewhat improved mood. The whole season has had a dark shadow over it because I know it's all coming to an end. The original group of my friends is dropping out, one by one.

I plaster on a smile–the same one I've used when people say how excited they are for our wedding. "It'll be great, man. You'll love retirement." And I'll still be here, wishing shit didn't have to change so fast.