Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Four

Hadley

I got a call from Scott’s mom the next day. She wanted Lucy and Eli to spend the day with them. Normally, I’d never tell them no—not counting the time I did following Scott’s outburst about Elijah. When I asked Lucy if she wanted to go see them though, she didn’t want to. For the sake of getting along, I’d try to convince her to go, but it was out of the question since we had plans to go to Elijah’s mom’s house.

That left Eli, but I couldn’t get past the ball of anxiety tightening in my stomach. Scott and his family were snooty, rude, and gossipy, but they weren’t awful. Because they were rude snobs who loved to gossip about me… Because they didn’t approve of my parenting and my desire not to reunite with their son, it was really hard for me to be the bigger person.

Eli was five-months-old. He’d stayed over once with them and maybe saw Scott’s family a few times. They didn’t know my child, but it wasn’t my fault. That scared me. How would he feel with them?

By eleven o’clock, though, they called the hospital aggravating me. Even Scott chimed in. I found it weird that when they wanted to see the kids it had to happen immediately. I finally gave in around noon because they disrupted my workday. I was mortified they were doing this while I was on the job. I had to call my parents to let them know Scott was coming to get Eli for the night, only to hear from them an hour later saying Scott convinced Lucy to go too. My nerves ate away at me as I tried to work and not think about my kids in someone else’s care. I knew Lucy hadn’t wanted to go when I called and asked her earlier.

Then my dad told me how Scott acted when he picked them up. Dad was good for exaggerating some details, especially since he didn’t like Scott at all. To get through my shift, I kept telling myself that Dad was making up stuff— that Lucy wanted to see her dad.

It worked until Scott called the hospital an hour before I was supposed to clock out. Deb called me to the nursing station with a pitying frown as she handed over the phone. Lucy’s tears were the first thing I heard when I put the phone to my ear. Immediately, I said, “What’s wrong?”

“Lucy won’t do anything but cry. I’ve offered her ice cream and everything, and she won’t shut up.” Scott’s bitter tone snapped some of my anxiety and filled me with rage. “See what you’ve done? She won’t have anything to do with me.”

“Don’t you want to stay and hang out at Mamaw’s house?” I could hear his mom trying to talk to Lucy.

“No. I want my mommy.”

“She’s filling her head with nonsense,” his mother accused, and blood rushed to my face. “If she’s going to be this way, so can we.”

Was that a threat? I was beyond livid.

“Lucy, I’m your dad. Stop crying!” Scott yelled.

“Stop yelling at her,” I hissed quietly. “I’m coming to get them.”

“No! We just got Eli to sleep. You know how long that took?” He was still shouting.

“She breastfeeds him so, he won’t take a bottle!” his mother yelled loud enough that I could hear. She wanted me to.

Eli never turned down a bottle. I knew it was a bad idea letting them visit with Scott’s family. “I’m coming to get them.” I hung up.

They let me leave work early. I was ashamed that everyone knew my drama by the time I left. No doubt, I’d be at the center of gossip the next week. Worrying about rumors wasn’t important, picking up my kids mattered more. I was angry and scared, and unsure how I could feel both at the same time. It took me fifteen minutes to get to Scott’s parents’ house. I shut off the SUV and knocked on the door. Scott answered, but Lucy ran out behind him—still crying—and wrapped her arms about my legs.

“What happened?” I asked. “Don’t tell me nothing. Lucy wouldn’t be crying over nothing.”

“I don’t want to live here!” Lucy screamed, and now it made perfect sense.

“Where’s Eli? Bring him here.” I was calm as I spoke, but I never hid the anger in my body or face as I stared at Scott.

His mom stepped into the doorway with Eli who was also crying—my baby who never hardly cried was red-faced and screaming.

Never again.

The rage I felt could kill.

I grabbed him but even then, he didn’t soothe immediately. “At this rate, Eli will never know us.” She huffed.

“That’s not my fault. Grab your shoes, Lucy.” She let go of me and turned around to slip by her grandmother and dad, standing in the doorway, to grab her shoes. “You can’t expect them to want to come over once or twice every six months thinking they’re going to feel comfortable with you.”

“Exactly. You don’t let them see us!” Scott’s mother hissed.

“I’m not arguing about this when you know I always tell Scott he can see them whenever he wants.” Eli finally settled down—clutching my scrubs in his meaty little fists while studying my face to make sure it was me. “You ready, Lucy?” She nodded and hurried next to me.

“Hadley, baby, I’m sorry that I’m being so hateful.”

I flinched at the way Scott called me baby. Funny. I never recalled Scott using that pet name with me. Elijah called me his baby. It felt different when he said it—like he cared about me. Hearing it from Scott didn’t even come close.

“I miss you guys. It’s making me hateful that Eli doesn’t know me. Lucy, don’t you miss your dad?” She grabbed my side and smashed her face against my scrub bottoms refusing to answer or look at Scott.

“That’s not my fault,” I repeated with a sigh.

“You kicked me out.”

“That shouldn’t stop you from seeing Lucy or getting to know Eli!” I glanced over at his mom. “I think you guys should see them a few hours here and there before trying to spend the night again.”

“What?” she said.

“Tell them bye, Lucy.”

“Bye,” Lucy whispered, urging me to the car. I turned around and headed for it with Lucy right by my side.

I tensed up when I heard gravel crunching behind me. Scott yelled, “Don’t think I don’t know about Elijah? Lucy told me. You think I’m going to let you keep that around my kids? Keep up your shit, and you’ll see that I’m serious.”

Ignoring him, I opened the back door and buckled Eli in first before helping Lucy. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I realized none of it mattered when Scott didn’t really care. Tears filled my eyes. Admitting that he only saw his kids as a way to hurt me was too much to handle.

I cried. Lucy saw it since I had to buckle her up. By the time I finished, the tears ran down my cheeks with a vengeance. I broke some more when she cried with me. “Don’t cry,” I told her sternly, wiping away the tears on my face that continued to fall.

Scott was still running his mouth, but I crossed him out of my mind. I walked around and climbed in the driver’s seat and drove off. “I don’t want to go back,” Lucy whimpered as I drove.

“Want to tell me what happened?” I wiped my eyes as I glanced at her through the rearview mirror.

“They just kept talking and talking about you.” She threw her head back, crying harder than before. My tears fell as I focused on the road. “I hate when they talk about you. It makes me cry.”

“It’s okay, Lucy.” Her words upset me. I shouldn’t have let her go. I should have said no.

“I don’t want to live at Meme Lilly’s.”

“You’re not living anywhere but with me,” I told her. “I promise.” That seemed to settle her. Her tears finally quietened. She was wiping her eyes when I asked, “What’s Bubby doing?”

“Looking around,” she answered with a sniffle. “He’s happy now. It’s okay, Bubby.” I stared in the mirror to see her leaning across the middle to grab Eli’s hand.

I cried all over again.

_____

In my panic state, I never got the chance to speak to Elijah that day. It wasn’t until I saw him stepping out of his house that I remembered we were supposed to go to his mom’s. He must have been looking for us.

He doesn’t need my troubles, I told myself as I stepped out and opened the back door to get Eli.

He didn’t need my burdens with that giant smile on his face as he walked toward us. Then slowly, like ours, his smile dimmed as his gaze swept over me. I picked up Eli from his seat. Walking over to Lucy’s side, I couldn’t look at Elijah because the tears were on the verge of falling again.

“Hadley.” I didn’t answer him when he spoke. I helped Lucy unbuckle her straps, and she climbed out. “Lucy.” She looked up at him. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes darted from me to Elijah, clearly torn, afraid she was doing something wrong. It took less than a day for Scott and his mother to crush Lucy’s spirit.

“Go on,” I croaked.

She didn’t waste a second after that. Lucy ran and jumped at Elijah who lifted her up. “What’s wrong?” he said again. Instead of answering, she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Come here, Hadley.” His voice was soft yet firm. I glanced down. Staring directly at him would make me crack.

Three seconds was all it took for him to step closer, then he squished Eli and me to him and Lucy. “Y’all need a hug or some shit?” Lucy’s giggle vibrated the parts of me that were touching her. “Even Eli is red-nosed and teary-eyed. I want to know who did this.”

She pushed off his chest a little to see his face. “Are we going to your mom’s house?”

He glanced at me. “Ask your mom.”

She turned around and asked, “Are we, Mom?”

“If you want to,” I whispered.

Lucy said, “She’ll feed us like Mamaw does.” That had Elijah laughing.

“Okay, you beggar, we’ll go.” I ran my fingers through her hair as she laughed with Elijah, pleased I called her a beggar, apparently.

“Go wash your face up and change out of your scrubs.” He sat Lucy down and took Eli from my hands. “Want me to put the car seats in my truck?”

“No, you can just drive us in mine.”

He nodded. “Stop staring and go on.”

“I need to feed Eli. I don’t know—"

“Hadley, he’s fine. See his smile? We can wait right here. You can feed him at Ma’s. Go before I smack that ass, or she’ll be smacking mine if you walk in the door looking like that thinking I was the blame.”

Lucy sniggered. “You can’t whoop Mommy, Elijah, she’s old.”

“I will if she doesn’t cheer up.” He peeked down at Lucy as he opened the back door. “If I’m not allowed to whoop her, then you’ll have to help me hold her down so we can tickle her.”

“I want to be tickled!” Lucy yelled.

“Go wipe your face, woman, it’s unbecoming.” Elijah cocked his head at me. I went to open my mouth but he said, “You want another hug? Come here. Don’t be shy.”

My eyes prickled with more tears. I sighed and hurried off which was Elijah’s plan all along.

_______

Elijah was right about his mom. The second she saw me walk in she glared at him and asked me what her rotten son had done to me.No matter how much I told her he did nothing, she kept giving him the stink-eye as we ate. Thankfully, Lucy cleared the air saying everyone needed to be tickled thanks to Elijah.

It didn’t help that I still couldn’t shake my mood. Elijah kept watching me. I knew he was waiting to find out why I was on the verge of tears every time he looked at me. Honestly, I didn’t know either.

I didn’t want to be a burden.

Thoughts like that kept crossing my mind relentlessly. I knew Elijah well enough to know that he desperately wanted me to let him in completely. There was a silent plea in his gaze every time he stared at me. It stirred every emotion I had, especially that day when I wasn’t feeling like a good mother or a good person.

And because of that, I kept swallowing down the emotions and barely meeting his eyes. There was no way I was good company, but his mother never said a word. His stepdad stole Eli away the moment we’d gotten there. It was so nice. I wished I could have enjoyed the moment, but all I thought about was how terrible I felt, and how I shouldn’t have let the kids go to Scott when I wasn’t comfortable with the arrangement. In all honesty, until Scott tried I would never be comfortable. I couldn’t make him or his family visit Lucy and Eli. Complicating matters was all the times Scott let Lucy down, saying he’d come to get her and never show. But his parents blamed me since I kicked Scott out in the first place and ruined our family.

And now they were getting worse. All I could think about was the threat Lilly made at the door. Would she really try to make Scott go to court over custody? I wasn’t an unfit mother. Scott was unemployed and lived with his parents. But did any of that information make me feel better? No. I’d lived in fear of Scott suing for custody ever since I caught him cheating and made him leave.

“Elijah says you like cars, Lucy?” Hank asked her while we ate at the dining room table. Eli, still on his lap, had stuck his hand in Hank’s mashed potatoes several times. The old man let him do it on purpose as he kept scooting his plate closer for Eli. After the third or fourth hand dip, he finally brought it to his mouth to taste it. His fat little body stiffened as his eyes widened as he looked down at the plate. I think he liked it but couldn’t be too sure. Elijah’s mom kept trying to steal Eli from Hank which hadn’t happened yet. The woman didn’t seem willing to give up though.

Lucy smiled. “Yes. I like ponies too.”

“Elijah has a collection that we kept from when he was little,” said Hank.

Lucy gasped. “I want to see.”

“I’ll bring them out after we eat.” Hank grinned down at Eli.

“How many more kids do you plan to have?” Elijah’s mom blurted.

I choked on the piece of meat in my mouth. I grabbed my soda and took a drink.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my chest.

“Did I surprise you?” she asked kindly.

“A little,” I admitted. I glimpsed over at Elijah beside me who was watching me far too intently at the dinner table. “I never thought I’d have more than two.”

That was the truth. It was also true that I thought I’d grow old with Scott. A foolish dream. I wanted to go back in time and strangle myself for living inside a fantasy when in reality I had been so tired and stressed all the time. It was so obvious that I had been alone in that so-called relationship.

“Now you got to have more than two,” she chided me.

“Ma leave her be,” Elijah murmured quickly, taking a giant drink of his soda.

“I’m just saying I want more than two grandbabies.” She pinned him with a smirk. “Are you saying you don’t want any?”

I glanced at Elijah again who was sighing at his mom. “Of course I do.” He gave me a sidelong stare.

My face was suddenly a furnace.

Another truth—I always thought I would have kids with one man and one man alone. I knew it was the twenty-first century and things happened. Guys were crappy and sometimes it was the women, but I never thought that one day I’d consider a future with another man or having more children.

A lot of things weren’t what I thought they’d be.

I found myself overwhelmed, perhaps, because Elijah was an earthquake of a man, but definitely not against the idea of maybe. Correction. Not maybe, just one day.

One day he might live with us.

One day he might be our real family.

One day he might make me his wife.

Elijah’s my one day.

“Relax,” he whispered, reaching out and grabbing my hand. He placed it on his lap where he drew lazy circles with his thumb across my hand. “Baby steps.”

I still wasn’t convinced I could meet his eyes yet. My emotions needed an outlet, and that seemed to be him right now. I risked breaking if I stared for too long, but I snorted when he said that. I suddenly understood where his intensity came from—his mother. Both of them wouldn’t know subtle if it smacked them in the face. She obviously knew Elijah and I were seeing each other, and she wanted grandkids. No one would have ever guessed.

Still, I noticed the way they fussed over mine. Did I ever feel this comfortable with Scott’s family? Did they ever make me feel at home? I just met Hank. With the way he played with Lucy and Eli was like he’d been around them thousands of times.

I liked his mom and Hank. They were going the extra mile to make us feel comfortable. No, maybe that was just who they were, but I liked it.

Oh, fudge. This warm atmosphere was only getting to my already frazzled nerves. I knew what I needed, but it had to wait until I had Elijah alone. My heart had wanted it since I saw him step out onto his porch.

“Come on, Lucy.” Hank stood with Eli. “Let me show you his old room.”

“Let me hold him for a while.” Elijah’s mom finally got Eli.

Lucy followed Hank out of the dining room. I rose from my chair and picked up plates.

His mom saw me and sighed. “I’ll get it, honey, don’t worry about cleaning up.”

“I don’t mi—” I didn’t even finish what I was saying before a plate slipped through my hand and shattered on the ground. The blood drained from my face as I bent down. “I’m so, so sorry.” I apologized over and over, too mortified to look up.

“It’s okay. It was only a plate. I have about thirty more if you need some.” She was laughing at herself until she saw what I couldn’t keep at bay any longer. “Oh honey, why are you crying?”

“Hadley,” Elijah bent down and took the broken pieces out of my hands. “It’s only a plate. Look at me.”

I covered my eyes with my arm instead. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re killing me. Baby, you’re going to have to tell me what’s wrong before I find out and hurt someone.”

His words only made me cry harder for I was still waiting for what I needed from him.

“I’ll clean it up, Elijah. Take her on the porch if you need to.” He rose, pulling me up with him. His mother patted my back as he grabbed my wrists and led me forward. “It’s okay, honey.”

I was so embarrassed, but I couldn’t stop myself. Was this a mental breakdown? A panic attack? What was wrong with me, and why couldn’t I control it?

The screen door made a creaking sound as he pushed it open and led me outside. The second it slammed shut, he pulled me close, smashing my nose into his chest as he hugged me. I breathed him in, warming at the way one hand snaked around my back and the other rubbed the top of my hair. My arms were at my sides, and I just let him hold me—let him comfort me. It was the only thing I wanted since I saw him earlier. In his embrace, all the anxiety and hurt and troubles seeped out of me like he was channeling everything for me. The feeling was instant and so overwhelming that I was tired. And content. So very content.

The tears hadn’t stopped, and even though I felt like the world had slipped from my shoulders the moment I was in his arms, it didn’t change the fact that the problem was still there inside me. It only meant that I had wantedto rely on someone.

I was a mother of two at twenty-two. I worked a stable job, had my own bills, and responsibilities. I comforted my kids when they were hurting but in that moment, I knew I found someone to comfort me. Someone to take care of me when I needed it.

It was what I’d been waiting on, what I’d been wanting, and how I’d come to rely on Elijah. When did it start?

“Let’s grab Lucy and Eli and head to my place, all right? Whatever this is, you’re going to talk about it,” he whispered, rubbing my back.

My snot and everything was dripping on his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Scott came and picked them up today. Lucy hadn’t wanted to go, but he convinced her to when he came to get Eli,” my voice was gravelly since I was still bawling. “She ended up crying on him and his parents, Eli too, and they got so upset over it. The only time I have ever not let Scott see them when he asked was after that week when he threw a fit. I’ve always told him that his parents can come get the kids whenever they wanted. Elijah, they never call and want to see them but once in a blue moon. Then they get mad when Lucy and Eli cry on them… Eli doesn’t know them, and Lucy never hears from them!” I wiped my eyes. “Is it really my fault? Am I really to blame?”

“God no, Hadley.” He hugged me tighter. “You’re not responsible for grown folks getting to know their own grandchildren. If Scott or whoever doesn’t make the effort to get to know them, that’s on them, not you. No matter what shit they tell you.”

“I’m scared they’re going to give me crap.”

“Sounds like they already are, baby.” He was still rubbing my head soothingly. And it was honestly making me feel better. “That’s why you got to grow thicker skin. That shit won’t fly with me. I won’t let you get hurt by them anymore.”

“That’s Lucy and Eli’s family,” I whispered.

“That doesn’t give them the right to be so fucking hateful when it’s their fault to begin with. Stop trying and see how much they do. If they want to be in your kids’ lives, that’s good, but if they don’t…” He held me at arm’s length and reached for my hand, bringing it to his chest. “They have me. Whatever I can be, I’ll be for those two. I love all your pieces, especially the ones that call you mom. I hope one day they’ll come to me instead of just you when they need something because I’ll be here.”

“Elijah…” I mumbled right before throwing my arms around his neck.