25. Twenty-Five

25

TWENTY-FIVE

I didn’t care that everybody knew.

When Sam first suggested we should keep the information to ourselves, I was irritated because I thought she was ashamed of what we were doing. When she explained why she was afraid of people finding out, I changed my opinion. Protecting her was important. Hell, it was the most important thing in the world to me.

After a while, I enjoyed that we had this big secret nobody else knew about. Well, other than Jax and Daisy. And Levi I suspected, although he never confirmed that. The fact that we had to avoid busy areas and were always going out just the two of us meant that I could have her all to myself. I liked that. It became just as important to me as it was to Sam to keep things on the down-low.

That was no longer an option. My freak-out—and that’s exactly what it had been—assured that everybody knew. That meant someone would leak it to the tabloids before the weekend was out. We wouldn’t be on the front page of US Weekly —we weren’t big enough stars—but we would rate our own article. Actually, I saw a four-page spread. There was no way the news of Sylvia and Bethany fighting over Ed wouldn’t become public knowledge too. The show would be gossip fodder right from the start, which would build up anticipation.

That was good for Sam. And Miles … and Salem. That meant it would be good for Daisy and Jax, too. I wanted the show to succeed for all of them. And, well, maybe for myself.

Somewhere along the line I hadn’t exactly grown fond of the show. I no longer hated having to be on it, though. I spent time talking about my character’s motivations with Miles. There were lines of dialogue I helped rewrite because I didn’t think my character would actually say them. I liked seeing the sets. The thought of escaping after the first season was no longer my main goal.

No, Sam is all you care about.

My pesky inner voice reminded me of that on a daily basis now. She was the first thing I thought of every morning, and she was the last thing I thought about every night. During the day, my mind drifted to her at least a hundred times. She was consuming me…and not in a bad way.

I couldn’t leave her.

That realization had hit me like a semi-truck when she smacked her head on the concrete floor. In that moment, all I could think about was what my life would be like without her. I didn’t want to even consider it any longer. That didn’t mean I could give up my dreams and live the life she wanted. There had to be a compromise in there somewhere.

That was what was on my mind when I hit the witch herb store for the massage oil Sam mentioned. I got three different scents to make sure she had options. Then I did the one thing I never thought I would do and pulled out my phone.

Alexander, the chauffeur psychologist, pulled to a stop at the corner of Essex and Hawthorne Boulevard ten minutes later. I climbed in the backseat—that seemed to be what was expected—and hunkered down as he pulled away.

“I assume you didn’t call me here to help you escape to the airport,” Alexander offered as he drove toward Derby Street. “Since you don’t have any luggage with you, that seems to be a safe assumption.”

“I’m not running,” I replied. “I just… I need help to be a better man.”

Alexander’s eyebrows hopped in the rearview mirror. “I don’t think anybody has ever said that to me before.”

“I have issues,” I admitted. “I’m a complete and total idiot when it comes to being a good person. I need to fix that before … well, before I figure out what to do.”

Alexander was quiet for several seconds, although he nodded, as if taking it all in. “Okay, we need to start from the beginning. I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here.”

“Aren’t you supposed to intuit these things?”

“I’m a psychologist, not a psychic.”

“Oh, right.” I hated talking to people about my feelings. I didn’t see a way out of it this time. “It’s Sam.”

“Ah.” Alexander broke out in a wide grin. “I saw that coming.”

“Maybe that makes you psychic, because I didn’t see it coming.”

“You didn’t want to see it coming. There’s a difference.”

“You spent thirty minutes with us after a long flight,” I snapped. “Somehow you knew we would end up here. How?”

“How did I know you would develop feelings for her?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know you would contract actual feelings. I just saw the attraction.”

“But … I wasn’t attracted to her that day.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. We’d sparked from our first meeting, no matter how I tried to deny it. “There was something there from the start,” I realized out loud.

“What do you feel now?” Alexander asked.

“Lost. Found. I feel everything.”

“Have you two been seeing each other?”

“It started just as sex.”

“I figured.” Alexander looked smug.

“I thought if we did it that the sparks would flame out.”

“That happens sometimes.”

“Well, it didn’t happen this time.” I threw myself against the vehicle’s leather interior and pinched the bridge of my nose. “We said it would be one night but I knew. I tried to stay away from her but didn’t even make it a single day. It was as if I physically couldn’t stay away.”

“And now?”

“We agreed that there would be an expiration date on the relationship,” I explained. “I have things I need to do and she … doesn’t. If this show fails, she’s going to stay here. She’s fallen in love with the town … and the people. She wants to own a magic shop and drink pumpkin martinis for the rest of her life.”

“And what do you want?”

“I want her to be happy.”

“No.” Alexander was somber when he shook his head. “What do you want for yourself?”

That was the problem. “I’ve always wanted to be a big action star.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Why a big action star?”

“Because … because … I don’t know. When I used to go to the movies when I was a kid—which was often—I would always imagine myself in the lead role. I would be the one jumping out of planes or shooting the enemy.”

“The one the woman ran to at the end and threw herself at?”

“Not necessarily. It wasn’t the women that did it for me.”

“No? What did it for you?”

“What does it matter? I’m here to talk about Sam.”

“We’re getting to Sam. I need to know what did it for you in the action movies.”

I had to think about it for a long time. “I like that they won. Even when they were hurt, they got back up.” I thought about my parents and a few things clicked into place. “I didn’t have the happiest childhood,” I acknowledged.

“Tell me about it.”

“I don’t want to spend a lot of time dwelling on it.” That was true. “Just suffice it to say my father was a dick and my mother was a professional victim. I know that’s wrong to say because my father used to hurt my mother, but she had a chance to stop it. She had a chance to take me away from him and put him behind bars.”

“And what did she do instead?”

“She put me behind bars. All because she couldn’t see her life without him. That’s what she told me when she visited me in jail that weekend anyway.”

We’d reached the outskirts of Salem—not in the Boston direction, though—and Alexander kept driving. “What did your mother say to you when she visited you in jail?”

This memory was seared into my brain. “She apologized for having me arrested, but said it was the only thing she could do. It wouldn’t hurt me as much as my father to go to jail.”

“What did you say?”

“I begged her to tell the truth and leave my father.”

“Obviously, she didn’t do that.”

“No. She said my father was broken and it was her job to fix him. She actually believed that. She thought she could put him back together.”

“And what did you believe at the time?”

“I don’t remember believing anything. I was incredibly angry.”

“And you felt betrayed,” he surmised.

“Wouldn’t you feel betrayed?” My response came off a little more defensive than I was anticipating.

“I’m on your side,” Alexander reminded me. “When I ask these questions, I’m not judging you. I’m trying to get you to find enlightenment through your answers.”

I slumped lower in my seat. “That’s sounds like a bunch of hooey.”

“And yet I bet you’ll feel better when we’re finished.”

“Ugh.” I rubbed my forehead. “What was the question again?”

“It wasn’t a question, but rather an observation. You felt betrayed when your mother chose your father over you.”

“Yes.”

“Have you felt betrayed in your life other than that moment?”

“I don’t … I mean … I um…”

“You’ve never let anybody get close enough to betray you,” he surmised.

“I guess I haven’t.” It was humbling to realize it.

“When your action heroes got to the end of their movies, what did they find?”

“Um … dead enemies?”

Alexander chuckled. “What else?”

I didn’t immediately answer.

“Perhaps they found acceptance, or emotional victory,” Alexander suggested. “Have you ever been in love before, Leo?”

The question made me itchy. “No.”

“Do you love Sam?”

The question should’ve made me run away. It didn’t, though. “I don’t know. How do you know?”

“You’ll know. It’s okay if you don’t have an answer yet. It’s only been a few weeks.”

“I’m not supposed to love her,” I argued. “We agreed that there was an expiration date on this relationship. Now, here I am wondering if I can find a way to keep her and my other life plan at the same time.”

“What would that look like?”

“What would what look like?”

“You getting everything you ever wanted. If you get your action movies and Sam, what does that look like?” Alexander pressed.

“I don’t think I understand what you’re asking.”

“Right now—don’t take anybody else’s opinions into consideration— tell me what your life looks like in a year if you get everything you want.”

I had to give it some thought because it was something I’d never really considered. I wanted to be a big star. I also wanted Sam. What would the logistics look like, though?

“She likes it here. She wants to stay here.”

“That’s not what I asked,” he countered. “What do you want your future to look like? Everybody has to make compromises. Before you can do that, though, you need to figure out what you want.”

“I only see one thing when I try to imagine that.”

“And what’s that?”

“Sam smiling. I just see Sam smiling.”

“Are you standing outside of a movie premiere when she’s smiling?”

“No.”

“Are you drinking warm cider and eating doughnuts?”

“No.”

“Then perhaps you don’t need what you think you need to be happy.”

He was starting to agitate me. “What does that mean?”

“I can’t answer that for you. You need to figure it out yourself.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because you won’t ask yourself the hard questions.”

Yup. I was definitely agitated. “Basically, all I’ve figured out is that I want Sam to be happy.”

“I think that’s a pretty important breakthrough.”

He would think that. “I need to know what to do.”

“What do you want to do?”

I wanted to wrap Sam in my arms and never let her go. I also wanted to prove all the naysayers wrong and have a good career. The problem was, if I got what I wanted professionally, Sam would be left behind. She wanted this show to be a hit. Then she wanted to make Salem her home for good. She didn’t want to spend all of her time traveling. I, on the other hand, freaked out when I thought about setting down roots.

How could we make this work?

“I can practically hear the gears in your mind working,” Alexander said. “You’re thinking too hard. The answer isn’t as either-or as you’re imagining.”

“How can you be certain about that?”

“Because I know. You have to know yourself before you can make it work, though.”

“And how long is that going to take?”

“I’m not sure. If it’s any consolation, you made it to this point in your development way faster than I was expecting. Perhaps you’ll figure out the rest of it on the same timetable.”

I pressed the heel of my hand to my forehead. “Can’t you just tell me?”

“No.” Alexander fervently shook his head. “This is one of those things you need to figure out yourself. If I tell you, then I’ll be the one controlling your destiny. You need to be the one to do it.”

“Because I didn’t get to control anything when I was a child, right?” I was being sarcastic, so when Alexander agreed, I was flabbergasted. “Not everything is because of my childhood,” I insisted.

“Isn’t it?” Alexander turned the car around and started back toward town. “Tell me that when you picture yourself winning the day in those action movies that it’s not your father’s face you see in place of the bad guy.”

“I’m not in touch with my father any longer. He has no bearing on my life.”

“And yet here you are, trying to make sure you become the man he never could. You want to be more successful than him. Even though you’d never considered it before, you want to be a better partner, too. That’s why everything inside of you is focused on Sam now.”

“Is that wrong?”

“No. I like Sam. She’s a good girl. However, you have to be whole and healthy yourself before you can have her.”

I didn’t want to hear that. “Why can’t I just get absolutely everything I want and make everybody else happy at the same time?”

“Because we don’t live in a fairy tale.”

“Maybe we should.”

“Wouldn’t that be fun?”

I BEAT SAM BACK TO THE HOTEL AND ENLISTED Daisy to help me get her room ready for a romantic evening. I arranged for dinner—stuffed lobster to be eaten in bed—and cocktails to be delivered to the room. I had the massage oil, and Daisy managed to get me a few candles.

“Don’t burn the hotel down,” she admonished as she looked around.

“I’ll try my best,” I replied dryly as I pulled out my phone. I had a text from Sam waiting. “She’ll be here in about ten minutes.”

“And won’t she be surprised?” Daisy teased. “This is really nice, Leo.”

“She was hurt.”

“It’s still really nice.”

I opened my mouth to brush off the compliment, but she slapped her hand over it to silence me. “Just take the compliment for once,” she said. “It’s okay to be the good guy. This thing you’re doing here, it’s what a good guy does. Take the congratulations.”

I sighed beneath her hand and nodded. “Sorry,” I said when she pulled back. “I have a few rough edges.”

“We all do.” Daisy’s gaze was speculative as she looked me up and down. “Have you heard back about your movie yet?”

I shook my head. “No, and I don’t expect to get it at this point. If they wanted me, they would’ve messaged by now. They haven’t, which means someone else got the part.”

“Are you okay with that?”

Surprisingly, I was. “It’s not a do-or-die situation for me. I’m fine.”

“Does that mean you’ll stay on for the second season of the show if it’s a hit?”

A month ago I would’ve laughed at the question…or cried at the thought of having to stay longer than I first anticipated. Now, though, I was perfectly happy with the possibility. “Probably.”

“Convenient how that worked out, huh?”

I shrugged. “It’s not so bad here.”

“So, are you going to stay all winter?”

“I was thinking of taking Sam somewhere warm for winter. We’ll have to be back here in the spring, but if she likes Salem, I figure she’ll love New Orleans.”

“That actually sounds fun.”

“Yeah.” I was lost in thought for a second, then shook my head. “Anyway, you need to go. I appreciate your help, but I can’t imagine that finding your boyfriend with another woman in your hotel room would be considered romantic.”

“Boyfriend, huh?” Daisy’s smile was very cat that ate the canary. “That’s an interesting word choice.”

“Don’t read too much into it,” I admonished. “Also, get out. I want everything perfect for her.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She headed toward the door. “This really is sweet, Leo."

“I just want her to be happy.”

“You’re doing a good job.”

Once Daisy was gone, I focused on my phone to see if Sam had messaged an update. I clicked on my email when I realized I had a new message, and almost fell over when I read what my manager had sent me.

It was short and sweet.

You got the role. Good job. They expect you on set one week after you finish with the first season of Evermore. We won’t announce you’re leaving the show right away. We’ll give the show a chance to find good legs first. In a few months, I’ll approach Miles, and we’ll go from there.

That was it. My manager assumed it was a done deal.

This movie was everything I ever hoped for. It would be a great place to start my comeback. It was exactly what I wanted to happen.

So how come I wasn’t more excited? Why did this feel like bad news instead of good?