5. Nicholas

What am I doing here?

“Right now, I’m trying to gather up the strength to ask you something,” I answer her. I can barely swallow, barely breathe. Even though it’s winter and the cold is blistering, making the tip of Olivia’s nose a rosy red already, I’m burning hot.

“I have to know, do you want me, Olivia? Do you want more?” Her bottom lip falls open and her hazel eyes widen with surprise. I can’t bare for her to answer me without telling her everything, without giving this the best shot I can give it.

“Because I want you. I want all of you. I love our stolen nights and I’ll do everything I can to keep giving them to you, but I need more.” A quick intake and a single step forward, closing the distance between us is all that pauses the confession I’ve been working over in my head all week. “I want to be with you, really be with you. Every day and always. Not just a secret rendezvous. I want it all. The picket fence, kids, I want it all… with you. And only you.”

I don’t know if I’ve said it all and I’m certain I’ve said most of it wrong. I’m nervous and I’m terrified. Terrified that she doesn’t want this. It will destroy me if she says no. She’s all I want and all I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on her.

She still hasn’t said anything, although she takes a hesitant step forward and I use that closeness to take her hands in mine, running soothing circles along her wrists with the rough pad of my thumb.

“Do you want me, Olivia? Because I’ll move here, with you or get my own place, so we can be together like we should. If you don’t, I understand, but I need to know.”

The silence is awful. It rips at me from the inside as I wait for her to say something. Every deep breath she takes I prepare for her to tell me no.

“You asked me what I want for Christmas. At the hotel, you asked me and I lied to you,” her voice is soft and riddled with emotion but I can’t decipher it. I need an answer.

“I know. A kiss. You said all you wanted was a kiss.” I can’t bear it if she tells me that now. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I nearly backtrack, I nearly give in and tell her I’ll go back to only hotel rooms and discreet rendezvous if that’s what she wants.

“I lied. I lied to you,” her voice cracks and it echoes the feeling in my heart. “I want so much more than a kiss. All I want for Christmas, is you.”

Relief washes over me and it comes with a warmth I’m unfamiliar with. It’s better than the heat between us when I first see her across the bar. It feels like home.

“I couldn’t tell you because A, it’s cheesy and B, I didn’t think I could have you.”

“Just say the word, and I’ll move here. I’m ready to be with you, Olivia, I don’t think I can fathom not being able to see you again.”

“Same,” she breathes the single word.

“That’s a yes? You want this? You want me?”

“All of you.” She nods, quickly and vigorously. Tears make her hazel eyes glassy. “I want all of you too.”

Thank fuck.

I can’t describe the relief, immediate and all consuming. With one arm scooping around the small of her back and the other spearing into her hair, I kiss her, the woman I love, with everything I have.

“I love you, Olivia,” I tell her for the first time, solidifying what we have. What we’ve had all this time but neither of us was willing to risk bringing it to life.

“I love you too,” she whispers against my lips, in the warm air between us. “You don’t have to leave do you?”

“I took two weeks off to figure all this out. I want to figure it out with you. I told Autumn. She knows.”

“She does?” her eyes are full of shock. It’s comical really.

“You can’t be mad; I swore her to secrecy.” There’s a smirk on my lips and before she can answer, I kiss her again. And again.

She nuzzles her nose against mine, before looking up through her thick lashes. “Two weeks to figure it all out?”

“Yeah, and if we need more time, I’ll make it. I want us. More than anything, I know I need you.”

“I figured it out. Move in with me and let’s spend two weeks in bed.” She says it so seriously, yet easily. As if it’s so simple and I chuckle, planting a kiss on her forehead that makes her smile. She has the most beautiful smile.

“We can start with me helping take your luggage inside,” I offer and she nods watching me while I gather her things and she opens the door. The moment it closes, she’s on me, her arms wrapping around me with a fierceness. Dropping the bags to the floor, I hold her back.

“I thought… I thought we weren’t going to get this,” she whispers and before I can ask what she means, she kisses me, standing in my arms on her tip toes. “You make me happy and I don’t want to be without you.” She speaks so quietly, I barely hear her.

“Same,” I tell her, brushing her hair back and waiting for her to finally look up at me.

“I’ve never been the girl for fairytales, but I want a happily ever after with you.”

Resting my forehead against hers, all I can focus on is the warmth in my chest. Everything about this, about her, feels right.

“You can say it again,” she tells me. “Tell me you love me again.”

“I love you Olivia. I want to love you forever.”

“I love you too.”