4. Olivia

“Why do I choose the walk of shame?”

Nick’s first response to my groggy morning question is a rough chuckle that jostles the bed. “I can go get your things,” he offers, “Or Autumn can bring them?”

I shake my head, brushing my cheek against his firm chest before resting my head back against him, “It’s okay, I’ll walk it with pride,” I answer with a simper and lightheartedness.

The early morning sun is peeking in and I check the clock to find it’s nearly eight. Last night filters in as my eyes adjust to morning and the easy rest in Nick’s bed changes into the reality that I need to leave it and I may never share one with him again.

“You’re really leaving?” I question but I didn’t mean to. The disbelief simply slipped out.

He breathes in deep and his chest moves with it, so I remove myself from the cozy spot and sit up, covering myself with the sheets. As I do, the ache between my thighs intensifies. I’ll feel him for days.

“Yeah, just one night this time. I have to get somethings settled,” Nick doesn’t look at me as he talks, instead he reaches for the bottle of water on the nightstand and hands it to me.

“Thanks,” I tell him and my smile is weak. I drink down as many gulps as I can, trying to pause the unwanted thoughts filtering through my mind.

“You okay?”

“Huh?” I look up into Nick’s steely blues to find them riddled with concern. “Fine,” I lie. “I just have to get going.”

With the excuse spilled, I gather the sheets, pushing them out of the way and search for my dress and underwear.

“You don’t have to go. We can order in breakfast,” he offers but there’s no hope in his voice.

I was already a drink down last night, but still. How did I go to bed with him one last time, knowing that he was leaving? How did I think I could do it? Stay here with him and say goodbye?

I struggle with my strap and Nick climbs out of bed, still naked and in all his glory to help me.

“Olivia,” his voice is gentle. “You don’t have to run off,” he whispers at my neck and then pulls my back into his chest.

“I’m not running off,” I lie. “I just need a shower and to prepare.”

I turn around, conscious of the fact that I haven’t brushed my teeth. I usually use his toothbrush, but I also typically stay. This morning isn’t typical. I can feel that in my bones.

“Never goodbye. Only until next time.” He smiles when he says it and that’s why I can only nod, not trusting myself to speak. With a wave of my hand, I leave him there, and put on a brave face when I open the door to my shared room with Autumn. I don’t want her to know how much I’m breaking right now. Nothing is certain. He may not move. It may not be over. That thought is the only thing that keeps me glued together.

I wish next time was a given. For the first time since we started it, I’m all too aware that it’s not a given. No matter how much I want to lie to myself.

* * *

The taxi rideis almost forty minutes long and it’s excruciating. All I want is my pillow so I can bury my head in it and let all of these unwanted emotions out.

“I miss you already,” the second the plane landed, I messaged Nick first. I haven’t heard from him since we said goodbye at the resort and again, I find myself not used to the waiting. The lack of an answer from him. I check it again, and a good thirty minutes later, I have nothing. No answer from him.

I have loved every conference we’ve ever done, but not this one. This one is stained with loss. Undeniable and irrefutable loss. I glance at my phone again, to see no response from Nick. With tears pricking at the back of my eyes, I’m tempted to message Autumn. She’s his sister and he’s leaving me. Tension works its way into my gut and I shift on the leather backseats of the cab. They protest in response.

Is this really the end of it? It can’t be. There’s a sinking feeling in my chest and I need to talk to someone about it, but who? Autumn’s the only one who knows, and what am I supposed to say to her? Your brother is ignoring me? We’re grown adults and I knew what this was. I just wasn’t prepared for this. We’re never ready for goodbyes. At least I’m not. I thought I could avoid it with Nick, I thought I’d never have to say it. Checking my phone again and noting the lack of a message from him, I was apparently wrong. The conclusion I’ve come to is the worst of them all, because that’s what my gut is telling me. It’s over. He’s moving on and that’s all there is to it.

I keep thinking, it was too good to last. Wasn’t it? It was so easy and natural. Everything always fell into place with Nick… I should have known better than to think it would last or become anything more. Fuck, it hurts. It’s not supposed to hurt, when you keep yourself at a distance and make sure the relationship is casual. It’s not supposed to hurt when it ends. But I’ll be damned if that’s not exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I check my phone and again, there’s no response.

“Right up here,” the taxi driver says absently and before I can answer, the words catch themselves at the back of my throat.

Oh my God, he’s here.

My heart does that fluttering thing my stomach was doing only days ago. Sitting on the footsteps to my front porch, his large frame taking up the small threshold. I can’t think straight, let alone breathe. He’s right here. Waiting for me.

Nick must feel my eyes on him as the taxi slows in front of my townhouse because he looks right up at me. Those steely blues stealing my breath with their intensity.

My heart races, beating wildly at the sight of him.

“Mam?” the cab driver’s voice alerts me that I need to pay and get on my way.

“Sorry, sorry,” I answer breathlessly, frantically searching for cash so I can get out and go to the man I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.

I don’t have a chance to get my luggage, Nicholas gets it for me. Carrying it up to my porch steps and waiting there for me.

Anxiousness tingles its way through me and I barely hear the taxi drive off as I stand on the steps, looking up at him and whispering, “What are you doing here?” Praying and hoping he’s here for more than a real goodbye.