Chapter 32

32

S he was in the workroom with Connor, discussing some questions of the harvest and food storage for the coming winter months, when the messenger entered the hall. She could hear his heavy marching steps as they approached the dais. If Struan were still at the table, she would know the news the messenger carried soon enough. Connor began to speak, but she hushed him and waited.

"Laird," the messenger began, "I come from the MacNab."

"What is yer message?" Struan commanded.

"The MacNab is a short distance from here and comes to fetch his daughter, the Lady Anice. He asks that you make all arrangements so that they can leave before the sun sets."

Anice was stunned by the news. Why did her father think he could come and force her out of here? Her son was here, her husband was here. This was the challenge she knew would come against their marriage. Robert had always promised to handle this and now it was time. She had to find him before her father arrived.

Running out of the workroom and following the long corridor, she left through a posterior door where the messenger would not see her. Lifting her skirts, she hurried through the yard looking for any sign of him. Finally, after almost a half hour of searching, she found him in the stables. She stopped outside the stall where Robert was working but could not speak from her exertions. He took one look at her, handed the tools to the groom, and climbed over the fence to reach her.

"What is it, Anice? Ye look as if ye have seen a ghost." He brushed the hair from her face and waited for her to catch her breath.

Finally she could force the words out. "My father comes."

"Here?" He looked past her and out into the yard. "Now?"

"The messenger said he comes directly to take me home."

"Ye are home, lass." His smile did not reach his eyes and did nothing to soothe the new fears that raged inside of her. Even his embrace did not settle her thoughts.

"Rob, you said you would handle this."

"And I will. Come, let us prepare for yer faither's visit."

They walked side by side back to the keep. Climbing the stairs to the first level, they entered the great hall just after her father arrived. The large group in the hall included not just her parents, but several uncles, two priests, many servants, and even some MacNab warriors. Coming in behind them, she heard Struan call out to her. Everyone turned to watch as she approached.

Her father separated himself from his entourage and came towards them. Pointing to two of his largest soldiers, he motioned them to her side. Instead of grabbing her, they took hold of Robert. She screamed and threw herself against him.

"Is this the man who thinks he can interfere with my lawful control of my own daughter?"

Her father grabbed her arm, wrenching her away from Robert and into another soldier's grasp. Then without warning he punched Robert in the stomach. She screamed again as Robert bent over at the power of the blow.

"My lord?" her mother said, walking between the two men. "Should we no' pursue this in privacy? We do no' want to expose our daughter's shame to one and all."

Looking around at the gathering crowd, her father relented and she found herself dragged towards the solar. Once inside, she was taken to a chair, where she sat and waited for an explanation of her father's words and actions. Robert, Struan, and a few of the elders of the MacKendimen clan entered and stood near the hearth. Her mother's hand on her shoulder told her she would not like what was to come.

She looked to Robert as he whispered something to Struan. No longer in the hold of the soldiers, she was disappointed that he did not come to her side .

"MacNab, let the women retire and we will come to terms among ourselves."

"Nay. She will hear the truth of what brought her to this shameful reckoning. Then she will see the wisdom in my arrangements."

"Father, what shame is upon me?" she asked, looking from her father to Robert and trying to understand his words.

"Haes he told ye his reasons for marrying ye, Anice?"

"He married me to save me from your plans to take my babe and send me to the MacLarens." Her voice shook now in fearful anticipation. "He married me to protect me."

"He married ye for his own reasons, Anice. He married ye for his own plans."

"But, Father, he had no other reason to marry me. He will not use me as you plan to—for the good of our clan." She fought for control, but felt it slipping away.

"Is that what ye think, Anice? Women are used all of the time by men. That's what God placed ye here for. We use ye to secure property and title, we use ye to produce heirs for those lands, and we use ye for our comfort and pleasure. 'This the way of it and he does the same thing with ye."

"Nay, you are wrong, Father. Robert married me for none of those reasons." She turned to Robert and waited for his added denial to these charges of her father. It never came. She tried to rise, but her mother's strong hands on her shoulders kept her in the chair.

"Do ye tell her or do I?"

Time slowed down around her and she saw flashes of anger pass between the two men. Robert did not face her.

"Tell me now, Robert. Explain what my father hints at. I trust you."

"Yes," her father goaded. "Tell her how yer so-called marriage haes stained her soul with a grievous sin."

She began to shake as she waited on his words. Did he know of her sin? Or did he speak of something else? The room became silent as they waited for Robert's words.

Robert took in a deep breath and expelled it loudly. Walking closer to her, he squatted down next to her chair and spoke quietly to her. "I am sorry that ye must hear this news told this way, Anice." He leaned closer and spoke again. "I am also Struan's son."

Anice recoiled from his words. She couldn't have heard him correctly—he was Struan's son? That would make him...

"Yer dead husband's brother, Anice. And uncle to yer own son. And he drew ye into an incestuous marriage for his own gains." Her father filled in the missing words. But he didn't stop there. "Do ye ken he will be heir to the clan if any harm should befall yer bairn? A nice cozy position to be in, would no' ye say? The wolf guarding the sheep?"

Robert lunged forward to challenge the MacNab, but Anice cried out in distress. It couldn't be true, could it? Did Struan know? He must if her father knew. And he kept it from her? And the clan?

One look at Robert and Struan was enough to tell her it was true. She had married her husband's brother, breaking one of the rules of God and church. How many marks could her soul take on it? Even now she was in peril of eternal damnation.

Robert said to trust him; he said she was safe with him. Was she? Was the bairn? Did he truly have designs on inheriting his rightful place in the clan at the cost of her babe's life? Nay, he would not. He could not. He had saved their lives when he could just as easily have not given her aid and watched her and the bairn die.

"Anice," Robert said as he started towards her, reaching out to grasp her hand. "Let me explain."

She pulled out of his grasp, shaking her head. "Explain? Does my father speak the truth? Did you know when we married that I was your brother's wife?" Even as she asked him, she knew the answer. It was not the lack of banns and witnesses that had him search out the old priest, it was her previous marriage to his brother. In the eyes of the church, she was his sister-by-marriage and even after his brother died, she was still beyond his reach.

"Aye, Anice," he answered in a defeated tone. "I sought out Father Cleirach because I kenned we could no' marry otherwise."

Tears filled her eyes as she faced the end of everything good in her life. All the changes he'd brought about, all the joy, all the love.

"I did no' do it to hurt ye or yer babe, Anice. Ye will ken that if ye think about it."

"So, you did not think about the position you would hold here when you offered me your bargain?"

The look of guilt was so clear in his eyes that it hurt her to look at him. She could feel her hard-won control slipping away from her... control of her emotions, her choices, her life. She hadn't felt this way since that night months ago when Struan first told her of her father's plans to marry her else where and to turn her son over to Struan and the MacKendimens to raise. But where Robert had been her refuge from the insanity of that night, today he was the cause.

Mayhap if she had obeyed then, this crippling pain would not be hers to bear now. And now not only did her soul carry the dark sin of trying to take her own life, but now it also carried the mark of incest on it. Mayhap if she repented and confessed her sins and promised to obey, she could be forgiven? Blinking away the flood of tears that blinded her, she turned to her father.

"What would you have me do?" She heard Robert's anguished groan and tried very hard to ignore it.

"Return with us and wait out the handfasting. I have already applied to the bishop for an annulment of this marriage on the ground of incest. Once the year and a day haes passed, we will find another suitable husband for ye."

She almost feared to ask, but forced the words out. "And my bairn?" She thought Struan would answer; instead Robert's voice interrupted.

"Struan, let her take the babe with her. I'm certain ye can arrange for a guardian to accompany them and see to his well-being while he is with the MacNab."

Struan agreed and, with that, her entire life had changed. Gone was the future she'd only recently allowed herself to plan. One filled with happiness and a husband she loved and the children she gave him.

She finally noticed her mother tapping her on the shoulder. Turning to look at her, she realized they were done here. Rising on shaky legs, she began to walk from the room. As she walked past him, she did not meet his gaze. Passing through the doorway into the great hall, she thought she heard him whisper her name.

The next days were all a blur of black and white, night and day, to her. Her father had planned a quick leaving, but she was so overwrought she could do nothing but sob. Moira was called and came as soon as she could; the only thing she could offer was a sleeping concoction that Anice took willingly. When she was asleep, she could dream wonderful dreams where everything was not black. Robert was in them and she could ignore the reality of their situation in favor of the temporary happiness she found there. Her milk dried up, probably from the shock, her mother said, and Craig was turned over to Emma to nurse.

If it rained outside or was fair, if meals were served or not, she did not know. She only knew the misery of Robert's betrayal and the loss of all she once held dear. Her mother brought Craig to her in her room, but Anice could not gather the strength to play with her son. She was never left alone— either her mother or Firtha or one of the other women was always in the room with her. She did not know if they'd found out what she had tried to do before or not. However, she could not be bothered worrying about their presence.

The one person who she missed the most and at the same time dreaded seeing again was Robert. Part of her simply wanted to ride away without ever seeing his face again and yet another part of her wanted to throw herself in his arms and beg him to find a way that they could be together. Of course, that was impossible since he was truly Struan's son and she'd already married his other son. Even the fact that he was a bastard son did not negate the church's objection to their marriage.

How had she missed the resemblance between father and son? Now that she looked back in her memories, she could see it clearly. They shared many of the same expressions and body movements. And they were both as stubborn as sin. And what was the truth of his birth? She tamped down her curiosity. Although Robert had encouraged it, she was certain that whomever her father chose for her would not have such a liberal view of a woman's role within marriage.

Anice decided to visit with Moira and see her new babe before she left Dunnedin. She had really not had the opportunity to speak with Moira while the healer tended her and there were many things left to be said between them. Three day after her father's arrival, Anice felt up to a walk and left her room with her mother in tow, unwilling but accompanying her still. They would be leaving in two days' time, she was told by her mother. Anything that needed to be done should be.

Anice walked through the village without raising her eye from the ground. She did not know what the clan knew of her and Robert's situation, but she could not face the piteous looks that she knew were sent in her direction. Soon, Moira and Pol's cottage came into view and she hurried her steps seeking the shelter it offered. Knocking on the door, she entered when Moira called out to her. If she was surprised to see her, Moira did not show it. But then too, not many things surprised the seer of the clan.

"Anice, 'tis good to see ye. Come in and sit."

"Moira, may I make you known to my mother?"

"We have already met. Three nights ago."

Her cheeks burned in embarrassment—they'd met when Moira was summoned to care for her. Of course they'd met.

"Will ye have some tea?" Moira wrapped her skirt around a large kettle on the hearth and lifted it to the table.

"Should you be doing that, Moira? You have just given birth."

"I feel well, lass. I can do as I must, in spite of Pol's thinking that I should be abed for days." They chuckled and she seemed to remember something else. "I must send a message over to Pol." Anice watched as she left the cottage and, through the open door, she heard her call one of the village boys over and send him off to Pol. "Now then, let's take our ease for a few minutes. What brings ye here, Anice?"

"I wanted to talk to you before I left. I have many things to thank you for."

"Ah, lass, no thanks are necessary. I did what I could with the gifts I am given. To do less would be to dishonor them."

"Still," Anice said, "I wanted you to know how much I have appreciated your help and the counsel you've given me these many years. I will miss you most of all, Moira." Her eyes and throat burned with tears she did not want to shed. Of their own accord, they spilled out and ran down her cheeks.

"Here now, Anice, dinna greet. Life haes too much to offer to ye that ye should spend yer time crying." Moira reached into a pocket and brought out a linen for her to use. "Mop yer tears and come to see my daughter." Moira took her by the hand and tugged her to one of the alcoves, where a cradle lay.

"What have you named her?" Anice asked, looking at the sleeping babe.

"Jean, after Pol's own maither. With all of Ramsey's boys, she is the first girl born to him or his brothers."

"She is lovely, Moira. Does she fare well?"

"Oh, aye. A bit of a rough start, but ye ken about those, dinna ye, Anice?"

She was about to ask another question when the door opened. Expecting to see Pol answering his wife's call, she turned to greet him. In the doorway, Robert stood, just watching her as she watched him.

He looked horrible. His hair was pulled back away from his face and his arms and hands were nicked by many cuts and burns. A rough beard grew on his face, where none had been before, and he looked as though he had not slept since she last saw him that day in the solar. And, in spite of his betrayal, she drank in the sight of him.

"Come, Suisan, let me show ye where I just planted some new herbs." Moira took her mother by the arm and steered her out the back door towards the gardens. If her mother wanted to object, she never had the chance.

She waited for him to speak, since he had so obviously arranged this with Moira. In truth, she could not think of one thing to say to him. And she could think of hundreds of questions she wanted to ask him at the same time. He cleared his throat and finally spoke.

"I wanted to talk with ye before ye left Dunnedin. I hope ye will forgive Moira for her part in this?"

She nodded, knowing words would never escape from her mouth.

"Yer faither had many things to say that day—"

"And you did not deny any of them, Robert. Is that what this is for now?"

"Nay, I canna deny the truth he spoke, Anice. But I wanted ye to ken some of my side of things. Will ye listen?"

She stood on the opposite side of Moira's high worktable from him. Keeping it between them made her feel safer. Nodding her head, she waited on his words.

"When I came here at Struan's summons, I thought he might finally be ready to acknowledge me as his son. As ye ken, he did no' and that refusal ate at me. Then watching ye and seeing how yer husband, my own brother, ignored and mistreated ye, I began to want ye for myself. Aye, at first, I admit to ye freely that ye were simply part of what he had that I wanted. I coveted my brother's home, his place, and, aye, even his wife, But as I came to ken ye, I wanted ye because of the woman ye are, Anice."

She thought she could control herself, but when faced with his words, she could not hold back the tears. They rolled down her cheeks and neck. "And the marriage? Ye did that for the position it offered ye?"

"I told Struan that I would no' seek recognition from him because it would mean losing ye and I wanted ye more than anything. I wanted to make things right for ye. I wanted to undo the damage Sandy wrought on yer body and soul. Now 'twould seem that I only caused ye more pain and suffering."

"What will you do now, Rob?" Her words came out on a sob.

"I have sent word to Duncan that I return to serve him if he will have me."

"Of course he will. Lady Margaret will welcome you with open arms "

"Robena haes agreed to come with me to Dunbarton."

"Truly? That might be good for her." She had to ask the question that this news raised. "Will ye marry her, Robert?"

He took a step closer and she looked away. She did not want to hear the answer now that she had asked.

"She will no' because she canna bear children, and I canna marry her, Anice, for I am already married. And annulment or no', disavowing of the handfasting or no', I took vows with ye and they will always bind my heart to yours."

"It cannot be, Robert. You are my husband's brother. It is all wrong."

"I may have wanted ye for all the wrong reasons, but I loved ye for all the right ones, Anice. And I married ye for love. Not position or power. For love."

She shook her head. She could not listen to this. Regardless of whether she believed him or not, their marriage was wrong. This could not be made right in the eyes of God and church. They could not be together.

"I needed ye to ken. If the only way for ye to find some measure of happiness is to agree to yer faither's plans, then do it, lass. Ye deserve it after what ye've suffered at the hands of the MacKendimens."

She could only move her head, for the tears completely blinded her to everything in the room. Happiness? There was no such thing in life. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear some of the tears, when she heard him open the door.

"Anice? I have made certain that the bairn will stay with ye until he is old enough to be here wi'out ye."

"How, Robert?"

"I told ye I would handle Struan. I just did no' plan on yer faither's anger."

"Thank you for that."

He turned back towards the door, then stopped and faced her again.

"Did ye ever think about... harming yerself again?" he asked quietly.

Startled by his question, Anice realized that she had not even contemplated ending her life to avoid what she would face now—possibly losing her son, definitely losing Robert, losing the clan she'd grown up with, and facing the uncertainty of another attempt at married life with some as yet unknown man. Her sense of confidence in herself was one thing that Robert had given back to her during their time together. She smiled through her tears and shook her head.

"Nay, Robert, not even for a moment. Besides, if you are not here to save me, I cannot risk trying it again."

He grunted and then left without another word and she sank onto the bench next to the table. Laying her head on her arms, she let out the sorrow that overwhelmed her once again.

The sound of the babe stirring roused her from her stupor. Anice looked around to find herself still alone in Moira's cottage. Turning the bairn over, Anice laughed as Jean's little rosebud mouth pursed and sucked on nothing but the air around her.

"Come, little lass. Let us find your mam."

Carrying the babe outside, she saw Moira and her own mother talking in the far plot of the garden. Walking over to them, she handed the babe over.

"Suisan, can ye take the babe inside for me? I will take my leave of Anice and be there directly."

If her mother thought it was a strange request, she never showed it. Without a moment's hesitation, she put the babe on her shoulder and walked back to the house.

"Did ye speak to him?"

"Aye, Moira, I did." She could not look her friend in the face.

"Did it help?"

"Aye and nay. It does not change anything."

"Ah, so it does no'. Well, he asked for my help in arranging this meeting and I hope ye are no' angry at me for it?"

"Nay, Moira. How did you know where to find him?"

"He haes been working with Pol and Ramsey at the smithy these last few days and staying with Robena." She turned to go and was stopped by Moira once again. "Can I ask ye a question before ye go?" She nodded. "Did it bother ye to marry a man when ye thought he was the son of a steward? Did ye think about being the daughter of an earl when he brought his proposal to ye?"

Anice thought of what her reaction had been and remembered thinking about that exact thing. "Aye, it did at first. Then I realized it was not as important to me as feeling protected."

"I just wondered, lass. Well, now, yer maither is probably tired of being entertained here and I am sure ye have many things to do before ye leave."

Moira approached her and opened her arms. Anice hugged the woman and then stepped back.

"No more tears, lass. The time for greeting is done."

"Thank you, Moira, for everything."

Anice turned and walked around the cottage and met her mother on the other side. They walked back through the village and into the castle without sharing a word of conversation.