10. Jordan

TEN

That just wasn'tsomething I would accept.

For one moment in the night, his lips had been on mine, and the world hadn't fallen apart. In fact, the world had never been in a better shape. Everything had fallen into place in ways I hadn't dared to hope for.

But I hoped.

In those few heartbeats, so many wild hopes roared to life within me that I couldn't hold them back anymore. Years of holding it together had cost me the kind of strength I hadn't been prepared to spend. There was no way I could cage the feelings that had escaped their confines. I couldn't put a leash on them anymore.

Even if he was too scared to admit it now, he felt the same. Nobody had been so eager to kiss me and feel me before. I'd had my fair share of action to keep myself distracted from my little stepbrother, but the few moments I had spent with him obliterated every joy I had ever felt with other people. Nothing could compare to the electric current that coursed between us.

He had to see that.

He had to understand.

And I would protect him from all harm. I would swear to him.

As I walked across my room and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air on the balcony, my resolve strengthened. Yes, our parents were married. Yes, he was my stepbrother on paper. And no, we would never be able to hide it. Not for the rest of our lives, at least. But nothing was going to stop me from trying.

The little joys we had shared in these few short days of privacy had been the sweetest prelude to a passionate moment — one that ended too soon.

I leaned against the balcony balustrade and closed my eyes. Asher's little pout emerged from the darkness. I wanted to kiss it away like I had the other night. And when I opened my eyes, I looked at the very patch of grass where I'd had him pinned down, gloriously topless, devastatingly hot.

I clenched my teeth and balled my fists.

It wasn't going to end like this.

Since the very first time I felt the pulse of attraction for him, I had done everything in my power to kill those feelings. I had given him up. I had settled for looking at him when he couldn't see me.

But that was all gone now. What we had done was impossible to change. And I couldn't accept any less. My heart wanted to tear into shreds, to pound out of my chest, to sink into my stomach.

I slept, although he was in my thoughts when I woke up. It was like he hadn't left. Another thing that hadn't gone anywhere was my resolve. If anything, it had hardened overnight.

I tossed on my loose, billowy T-shirt without sleeves, a pair of cargo shorts, and my brown sandals. It was a casual enough combo, but I must have known, deep down, that there was more to it. When I joined Dad, Eileen, and my little stepbrother out on the porch for breakfast, he managed to greet me in a strangled voice. His gaze dragged over me and it pulled back the memories of countless encounters throughout the years I had spent near him. You've been feasting your eyes on me since we met, I realized. You've always had this glassy look in your eyes when you saw my flesh. The amusement that zinged through me affirmed my suspicion that I had been subconsciously aware of my own provocativeness.

I felt sexy. Oh, that I did.

I sat across from Asher while Eileen and Dad sat on opposite ends of the table. Our breakfasts were rich and delicious, taking me back to my earlier days. Scrambled eggs with fried bacon, sausages on the side, and homemade hash browns. And then, fluffy pancakes soaked in maple syrup, a pitcher of cold orange juice, and a bowl of strawberries with whipped cream. We feasted even if my athlete's mind reminded me that these were not good choices.

Perhaps today was the day for bad choices. Perhaps I didn't have to always be the one playing by the rules, sticking to what was right, and giving up the little pleasures in life. A nice breakfast wouldn't ruin my health. A flurry of lust for Asher wouldn't ruin my life.

My stepbrother didn't look at me. He ate in complete silence, his eyebrows knitted into a frown. He looked at his plate and sliced through the stack of pancakes with his fork. When he brought the bite to his mouth, I paused to watch him. Maple syrup specked the corners of his lips because he bit off more than he could chew.

My heart lurched in my chest. I wanted to lick the syrup off his lips. I wanted to throw him on this table, not even minding the food, and eat him up. There wasn't an inch of him I wouldn't want a taste of.

"…you speak to him?" Dad's voice reached me and I realized that my ears had been ringing.

"Huh?" I looked at him and blinked.

"Beckett? How is he doing?" Dad repeated. He wore a small smile of amusement. "Or do you need a cup of coffee first?" He chuckled.

"He's fine," I replied, my voice dry. I washed down my food with a long sip of orange juice, but the mention of coffee made me crave it. "We spoke last night. Nate's back in his apartment. They hired a nurse to live with him for the next three weeks." I gritted my teeth.

"What a shame, that accident," Dad said.

Eileen shook her head sadly. "He was retiring, wasn't he?"

"Not officially." These were the first words from Asher's lips since the greeting. "That was speculation."

"Isn't he forty? How much longer could he have played?" Eileen asked, genuinely bewildered.

"Thirty-seven, I think," I said. "And he wouldn't have been the first NHL player to play at forty."

Eileen seemed to dismiss Nate Partridge from her thoughts. "He's rich and famous. I'm not worried about his future."

I said nothing. It wouldn't be fair to expect her to understand what impact this had on the guy's life. But Asher frowned. "Nobody wants this to be their legacy."

His mother laughed softly. "Darling, there comes a time in life when your legacy is not something that keeps you awake at night. The man is rich beyond any need. He is still young, even if he's not young enough to keep playing."

"He was the highest-paid winger in the world on the day an injury took his career away," Asher protested. "It's not fair. He should have had the chance to leave on his own terms."

"You only prove my point, darling. One game was enough to keep him wealthy for another year. People struggle with far bigger problems than their legacy." Eileen shrugged like she couldn't see why we didn't agree.

Dad mediated. "I suppose it's highly subjective. Someone who values their image and doesn't have to swim just to stay afloat would probably have a harder time accepting the new way of things. Partridge, for example, probably feels strongly about his career because it was all he had known for the last twenty years."

Eileen gave a tired sigh. "I suppose." She finished her espresso and I was reminded once again how much I wanted my morning dose of caffeine. As Eileen got up to leave, I followed and made myself the regular filter coffee instead of her fancy one. The silence was thick between us, but Eileen wasn't leaving.

I had been too old to be properly adopted by her or to accept her as a stepmother. We'd never had friction between us, but I had already gone through the years of needing a mother before her arrival. The relationship was polite, respectful, and comfortable most of the time. But it wasn't particularly warm and loving. "Jordan," Eileen said carefully, and I knew this wouldn't be one of those comfortable conversations. We had had some small disagreements in the past, almost exclusively about Asher. "Did something happen while you and Asher were alone up here?"

A feeling I didn't have a name for made my neck warm, heat rising to my head. It wasn't shame, exactly, and it wasn't anger. She knew nothing. "Like what?" I frowned, thinking about the ways I would have replied if I hadn't kissed the soul of her son's mouth or rubbed his thick length with mine until he moaned like a slut. I gritted my teeth and reined in the thoughts that I had kept on a short leash all these years.

"A fight?" Eileen suggested with a note of a question in her voice.

"Nothing unusual," I said. "Actually…we haven't been fighting at all lately."

That seemed to disappoint her. Or worry her, at least. She wrapped her arms around her slender body and hesitated. Then, slowly, she lifted her chin. "I wouldn't ask this if I wasn't worried, Jordan. And I never meant for it to be your job to keep an eye on him, but you boys are as close to brothers as you can be. I would hope you have his best interests at heart." I had no way of knowing where she was heading with this, so I remained silent and refused to jump to conclusions. Again, she paused, looking for words. "All children should have a right to privacy, I know that, but a mother can't help but worry. He's quiet. He's closed off. It's not like him." I couldn't think of anything more like Asher than the quiet sulking he'd been giving me for years, but I let Eileen continue. "And if anyone would know, it's you, so I don't have a choice. And I hope you will do the right thing and tell me for everyone's sake. Is Asher having problems? Has he made enemies? We know almost nothing beyond his SATs."

I watched a mother worrying about her son. She didn't have a clue what troubled him and I knew everything. But if I told her, what would she say to that? If I told her how we yearned to touch one another and burned with a lust that threatened to set the house aflame, would she be disgusted? Gutted? Heartbroken? Yes, she would. Dad and Eileen had always tried to bring Asher and me closer. They'd always tried to nudge us into forming a bond we both resolutely refused for fear of it becoming something much more devastating. And neither of us had known what the other had felt. "Asher's doing fine," I said in a calm, rational tone. "Better than fine. He's staying healthy, exercising, and the team loves him." He was also handsome and well-dressed, he was sexy, and he knew it, and he was as horny as a young man should be. I saw nothing wrong with him, but I decided to keep those facts to myself.

"Could he be in some trouble that you don't know about? Could he be in debt? Or in love?" The last question stabbed me in the chest, but I just shrugged.

"I doubt it," I said. "Honestly, he doesn't go out that much. The team hangs out after games and the house is equipped for entertainment. We're mostly there." Those things weren't exactly true. I wouldn't know where Asher was every night. When I saw him around the team house, we didn't linger near one another. And when I was out, I blocked Asher from my thoughts. Allowing him in had always been a dangerous thing.

Eileen placed a hand on my upper arm and I tried not to flex my biceps with the tension her touch instilled in me. "Thank you," she said. "You have no idea what a relief it is to know he's got you to watch his back. Even a little."

It wasn't his back I had my eyes on. Shut up, I snapped at myself, swallowing the bitter taste of dishonestly, and nodded. "We gotta stick together," I said.

"You're a good kid, Jordan," she said, rubbing my arm. Then, she turned and walked away.

I didn't think she was less worried about Asher, but she was relieved to have spoken to me. Even so, I needed to deal with this. Even misdirected suspicions were a danger to us. Where there was smoke, there had to be flames. And since I couldn't dispel Eileen's concerns without revealing things I didn't want her to know, I had to approach this from another direction.

The opportunity presented itself in the early afternoon. I was keeping myself occupied with games while Asher and Dad laughed about something. Dad was telling him the story of the bathroom job he'd had to do on such short notice. I kept my ears focused on their conversation and caught my opening when Asher said he would head to the lake for a swim.

He did not invite me. And I did not offer to join him.

Instead, I gave him nearly an hour to blow some steam off and be alone. When I was done with the boss fight, I shut down the gaming console, undressed to my swim shorts, and tossed a towel over my shoulder. This morning had proved one thing I had never allowed myself to be aware of: Asher was struggling to resist me. He couldn't look at me, but there was no shame in him. Only a firm resolve I was hell-bent on breaking.

I knew my stubborn little object of desire. I knew it would take work. And I wasn't afraid to do the job.

I stalked out of the house, leaving Eileen and Dad in an attempt to kick back and relax. Just as I was leaving, Dad brought up the cost-cutting plans, and Eileen audibly held her breath. I slipped out before they delved into details, but I had to stand with Eileen on that one. My dad didn't know how to pick a moment. A relaxing afternoon was no time to discuss their household budgets.

I hoped to find Asher swimming or sunbathing. If he was in the lake, I would join him, and we would speak in low voices so that the calm water wouldn't carry our voices. And if he was sunbathing, I would lie next to him, and I would reach over and let the back of my fingers brush against the side of his torso. I wanted to feel that smooth skin under my fingers again.

When I crossed through the forest and reached the closer edge of the field that separated me from the lake, I spotted him. He wore his big, dark sunglasses, which fit him nicely, and his screaming yellow swim shorts. He had thrown his duffel over his shoulder and a towel was hanging around his neck. His windblown hair was a mess of wavy locks I desperately wanted to tangle my fingers in.

Asher was walking toward me. He crossed the field sticking to the trodden path before I could reach the middle of it. So I waited in the shade the edge of the forest provided. When he was close enough to speak in a low voice and knew I could hear him, he demanded, "What are you doing here?"

I wanted to tell him a million different things, but I decided on the most important. I wasn't sure how much time I had with him before he hurried away and cut the conversation short. "You're acting weird. Your mother is picking up on it."

His eyes widened and he hurried closer, scolding me with his glare before telling me, "Keep your voice down."

"I didn't say anything," I said, keeping my voice just where it was. "And you acting so guilty is what's giving you away."

Fuck.

I argued with him. I set fire to his short fuse and the firecracker was about to go off. "Oh yeah? According to you, there's nothing to give away."

"That's not how I meant it and you know it," I said accusingly. It hurt that he was so quick to bite my head off. "You need to stop panicking, Asher. You're making a big deal out of it when nothing went wrong."

"Nothing went wrong? You're joking. Jordan, everything went wrong." His nostrils flared as he looked up at me. He waited, lips pursed, then shouldered me aside as he trudged forward.

I stepped after him. It was my mistake that I didn't think this through. I put my left hand on his right shoulder, feeling the firm, round muscle tense as I pulled him around to face me. The contact of skin on skin was enough to send a wave of heat over me. It was hot enough to pulverize me. "Don't touch me," he said, but it carried no venom or anger. It was a plea said without any breath to push it at me.

"What changed?" I demanded. "What changed so that you don't want me anymore?" Now that was the right question. I knew it was so because Asher pressed his lips into a tight line. His skin was golden with a new tan and shiny from the sunscreen he had used. It was smooth and clear, taut over his bunching muscles, and I wanted to know what it felt like under my lips.

I had stepped onto this path that night. I didn't know a way back.

"You do want me," I said. "Nothing's changed."

He lifted his quivering chin defiantly. "We can't."

I was sick of hearing that. "Yes, we can. We can do anything we want. And I want to kiss you again, Ash. That's all I want. You've lived in my head for years and I never let myself believe it could be real. I always told myself we couldn't. But then, we did. And guess what? Nobody makes these rules for us. We make the rules."

"What about them?" he hissed, although I was certain it was a sound he made from the lack of air in his lungs. He was barely moving, barely breathing.

"What about them?" I asked.

"Are we so selfish to ruin their lives for a cheap thrill?" he asked, a little more strength in his voice.

I narrowed my eyes at him as I closed the distance between us. "If me wanting you will ruin their lives, who's really selfish here?"

"You don't care what people will say? Perverts, deviants, degenerates. As if we hadn't been called that enough through history," he said. He was making a desperate point because his logic was crumbling and mine was sound. "You need to give it up, Jordan." This he added in a shaking voice as it broke and faded.

"If you think I'm going to stop now when I finally felt like there was something good and real in my life, you can't be more mistaken, Ash. And I don't think it's just me." I stepped closer to him, almost brushing my chest against his. We had been this bare and this close only that one time and it had been enough to derail me from the path I had tread for years. What wonderful and devastating things could we do if we touched now? "You want me, too. I know you want me. Grow up and take what you want, Ash."

He swallowed. The silence was impossibly loud. "We. Shouldn't."

"That won't stop me," I told him fiercely.

His eyes narrowed as he looked at me like he was trying to find a blade sharp enough to sever this bond. "And what will?"

"Tell me you don't want me," I said. "Say the words and I will quit. I'll leave."

He rolled his eyes. "Where would you go?"

"Northwood," I said off the top of my head. "Or join Beckett and Caden. Or to hell and back, I don't care. Tell me you don't want me and I'll leave you alone."

He grit his teeth. He couldn't do it. His body was so tense that a shudder passed through his muscles.

I dared to reach with my left hand. I dared to place my fingers on his beautiful abs.

He tensed, then relaxed so abruptly that I half expected him to faint. His resolve was cracking through its core, splitting and shattering. And as I stepped closer, my chest brushed against his, and he didn't jerk back.

"Jordan, please," he said, eyes closed, lower lip trembling. "If we do this thing, there's no going back."

"Do you think I'd ever want to go back?" I whispered. "I hated what we were to each other, Ash. I hated the things I said to you."

He shook his head and gave a weak, resigned smile. "The things we said to each other."

"I hated keeping that distance," I said. "But you…you hid your feelings so well. I had to be firm."

He opened his mossy eyes and tears shimmered in them under the sprinkling of sunlight that beamed through the rich, green canopy. "Whether we like it or not, we are stepbrothers."

"I was fifteen when I met you. It was too late for us to become a family, Ash," I said, sliding my hand to the side of his torso and setting the right one on the other side. He didn't move away from me when I set my open palms on his body. I had once found a sparrow that hurt its little wing. It had gotten stuck in tangled dry grass and I'd freed it as gently as I could. Then, knowing it would never survive on its own in the August heat and with no way to fly, I picked it up with both hands, cupping them together as a soft bed for the little bird. I had to carry the sparrow all the way through the forest and back to the house, careful not to inflict pain on its wounded wing and even more careful not to spook it into a flight that was destined to fail. I had to find a well of calmness in me and send it to the bird with the sheer force of my will. Gently, gently, I held Asher in my hands, and I radiated the same sort of calmness I'd learned so many years ago.

Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you. I'll do all I can to make you happy.

I thought he would push himself up on his toes. I thought he would give in to this incredible temptation. He folded his lips, then bit the lower one and looked away. His eyes were teary when he looked up at me. His nostrils flared briefly a few times and he held his breath. Finally, he shook his head.

Not now. Not this time.

I nodded my understanding and pulled back from him.

Asher was quick to turn away and put some distance between us.

"Ash," I called as he hurried away. He halted. He didn't look over his shoulder, but he waited. "Midnight. I'll leave my outside door unlocked." My throat closed and fear filled me to the brim. I didn't know what else to do. This was as far as I could go. This was as much as I could say to him.

I feared the disappointment. I feared the loneliness. I feared his stubbornness. And I feared midnight.

Asher walked away, but I didn't follow. I wanted to be anywhere other than at the house. Just now, I wanted to be alone. And I wanted to search for the well of tranquility in me that I had misplaced in an instant.