Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Jonas

Yet another round of snow drifted outside the hospital windows, a dark and gloomy early evening waiting to greet me after my shift. Mount Hope had received a record amount of snow this month, but as I packed up my things in the locker room, my mind was more focused on a personal record.

I might have lost the battle to resist Declan, but I'd won a January to remember because Declan and I had kept our super-secret late-night fling going. Except fling seemed the wrong word for something based around a growing friendship rather than lust. There were nights when we cuddled while I read aloud, and we didn't end up getting off. And other times when cleaning the kitchen would lead to a two-hour chat. In my experience, sex-only flings didn't include the amount of talking and care we had going.

"You look sharp." Judy, my friend and fellow NP, shook out her gray ponytail as she strode into the locker room. "Long day of meetings?"

"Yep." I wore a blue button-down and gray slacks in deference to a packed schedule of administrative meetings. As the emergency department nursing supervisor, I walked a tightrope between advocating for my fellow nurses' needs and serving the hospital's whims and its never-ending stack of regulations. "More staffing issues. The hospital wants to reduce the number of traveling nurses, but as usual, they don't want to pony up for more permanent positions."

"Sometimes I miss my traveling nurse years, especially the pay. But if the hospital wants people to stay put, it has to offer incentives beyond money. The urgent care clinic I'm transferring to offers double the paid leave. Now, Maggie and I will be able to travel for pleasure rather than more work."

"Where are you going first?" I asked, curious but also wanting to keep the conversation away from my own career future.

"We're doing Hawaii next month after my last day here. I can't wait."

"I bet." Other than my trip to Utah with Sean and Denver, it had been years since I'd been out of state and far longer since I'd traveled for vacation rather than necessity.

Judy gave me a long stare over the rims of her colorful glasses. "You could also have a better work-life balance."

"Eh. I'm only tired today from all the meetings." I was lying, but I wasn't about to explain that my late-night conversations with Declan had majorly cut into my already erratic sleep schedule. "And I got assigned to two new committees. But I love it here."

"More committees?" Judy shook her head as she shrugged into her heavy coat. "Someday, you'll discover the word no and a reason to use it."

"Here's to hoping." Unbidden, an image of Declan popped into my head. He was a reason to lose sleep. If our connection wasn't so temporary, he would be more than enough reason to say no to other obligations more often.

"What's that little smile?" Judy tilted her head as she considered me. "New fellow?"

"Nothing like that." I gave a dismissive gesture even as I wished it were true. But Declan was so tightly closeted, along with being my friend's son, that the chance to brag about him was likely never coming. "See you tomorrow."

"Not tomorrow." She wrapped a long, wide, patchwork knit scarf around her neck and shoulders. "I've got this thing called a day off. Try it sometime."

"Okay, okay, Mom ." I might groan, but I valued her friendship and mentorship.

As I headed for my SUV, my phone beeped with an incoming message from Sean.

Sean

Can you pick up Declan after his PT appointment? I'm hoping to be out of here before Rowan's karaoke thing tonight, but I'm not going to make it in time to pick up Declan.

Me

Of course. No problem.

That was one yes I was happy to send. The PT offices were near the hospital, so I headed there, answering some administrative emails while I waited for Declan to emerge.

"Oh, it's you." Declan smiled as I waved him over to my car. His smile warmed me better than any car heater. His grin was wide and easy but also personal as if he genuinely was happy to see me. "I told Dad I could use a rideshare app."

"I'm happy to be your driver," I teased as I helped him stow his crutches in the backseat. He'd graduated from the kneeling scooter to crutches as he practiced putting more weight on his surgically repaired leg. "You don't even have to tip me."

"Don't worry." He winked as he settled himself in the passenger seat. "I'll tip you later."

"I might hold you to that." I matched his suggestive tone, then groaned. "Wish that was all that was on the agenda tonight."

"You don't want to go out to the karaoke night?"

"I do," I said weakly as I pointed the SUV toward Mount Hope's quaint downtown.

Declan snorted. "You sound real convincing there, Jonas."

"I'm just tired and cranky from a long day." I tried for a brighter tone, but if anything, I ended up sounding more exhausted. "I'm sick of meetings where I have to fight for every position and paid hour when we're already operating understaffed."

"At least tomorrow is Saturday." He gave me a hopeful look as I stopped for a red light.

"Not for me. I'm covering some NP hours. Swing shift again, so at least I can sleep in."

"Oh. I was thinking…" His tone shifted to something more resigned. "Never mind. If you have to work, you have to work."

"You wanted to do something?" My pulse sped up. Was he asking me on a date?

"Doesn't matter. You've got a shift." Voice staying pragmatic, he shrugged. "But I'm going stir crazy, and I'm sick of sneaking around. Eric almost caught us the other night. Thought maybe we could go into Portland, get some decent food, not have to worry about who sees us together."

"That sounds wonderful, and I have a stack of recommendations for queer-friendly places where we can be…ourselves." I didn't want to assume a date, but Declan's suggestion certainly sounded like one.

"Some other time." Declan sounded further away, making my chest pinch. What if he never asked again? "Instead, we get karaoke fun while I try not to think about kissing you later while my dad's around."

"Same." I shuddered as I started the always-fun game of hunting for a parking spot downtown. Ski season was in full swing at Mount Hood, which meant an increase in tourists, while longtime residents were more likely to drive in this weather versus walk or bike. "Maybe that's why I'm not as eager as normal. Visualizing your father figuring out we're more than friends has me quaking in my loafers."

"Ugh." Declan made a sour face that mirrored my own.

"Have you thought about telling your dad?" I asked gently.

"About us?" Declan visibly recoiled. "I also enjoy my life. He'd be pissed I'm messing with his best friend."

"It's cute you think he'd be more protective of me than you." I chuckled, but the mere thought of Sean's reaction made my skin cold and clammy. "And I meant more in general. You know he'd be supportive regardless if you're gay or bi or?—"

"I don't know what I am." Declan gave me a stony glare as I finally found a spot close to the bar, and I tossed that stare right back.

"No clue at all?"

"Well, clearly." Gaze dropping to my mouth, he huffed a loud breath. "And there's no point in telling my dad I'm…not straight when I can't tell anyone else."

"Support is a good thing." Not wanting to let his resistance rile me up, I tried for a measured tone. "And coming out doesn't have to be all or nothing. I had a number of years where Eric, your dad, and a few others knew, but not everyone?—"

"Including your first wife?" Declan's words were as sharp as his icicle-cold eyes.

"Including her." Not snapping back was hard, but I didn't take the bait. "I was young. Younger than you. And stupider. People make mistakes."

"Yeah." His shoulders slumped, much of his fight receding. "Sorry. That was a low jab."

"It's okay," I said even though it wasn't, not really. Declan had poked an old, never-quite-healed hurt. "And I'm saying, learn from my errors in judgment. I thought if I squished myself into a closet and bolted the door, life would be easier. I was so wrong. You don't have to make yourself fit in someone else's box or cut yourself off from people who love you."

"I don't want to fight about this." Declan rubbed his temples. "Not tonight."

"You okay?" Turning in my seat, I leaned closer to examine his pained expression. "We don't have to go to the karaoke thing if you have a headache."

"You look more tired than me, and you're going." He pushed open his car door, letting in a gust of cold air. "I'm fine. Everything's fine."

I followed him out of the car. Nothing was fine, not even close, but I had no choice but to go pretend.