40. Edu

40

EDU

"Goddamnit!" I shouted, angrily swiping all the papers from the table. Hours and hours of research, tracking, and following Oliver around had left me with zero answers. My last lead just became a dead end.

Three months.

Three long fucking months with no sleep and even fewer answers. I was losing my fucking mind, desperate to find Harper. Was she okay? Was she safe? Had she made it to wherever she was going without getting in another accident? How was her neck?

Fuck, I couldn't stand that I didn't even know if she was eating enough. I was going out of my mind with worry, and my teammates were really starting to look at me like I'd lost my mind.

I slumped in my chair and rubbed my hand over my eyes. I was fucking tired as hell. I needed sleep, but it wouldn't come as long as she was out there all alone. What I needed was another fucking cup of coffee. Then I'd clean up the mess and start over.

I was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter as I waited for the coffee to brew when I heard the front door open. When that first started happening—when my teammates would let themselves in without knocking—I hoped and prayed it would be Harper. That she had come back to me. But I stopped wishing for that after the first month.

"Did you sleep at all?"

I scrubbed a hand down my face and turned to Lock. "Another dead end."

He looked at the papers on the floor and whistled. "Did a tornado come through?"

"I lost my last lead. I don't know how to find her," I admitted, my voice coming out as nothing more than a rough croak.

"Well, you're not going to find her with that attitude," he said, bending over to shuffle the papers around. He stared at one in particular, then added it to the stack. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Three months ago."

He shot me a sardonic look. "Seriously."

I shrugged. "I fall asleep every now and then."

"Cash is wondering when the hell you're getting back to work."

I turned back to the pot and poured a cup of coffee. "There is no work. Not until I find her. There are no fucking jobs—nothing as important as finding her."

He didn't have to say a thing, but the look on his face clearly expressed what was on his mind. If I hadn't fucked it all up that night, I wouldn't be in this position now. I took a sip of coffee and slumped down in the chair at my table. I had a map on the wall of the United States and I'd crossed out all the locations I'd tracked down and failed to find her.

A filing cabinet was set up off to my right, filled with color-coded file folders of all the searches that had ended in no-man's land. I was quickly losing my shit, snapping at anyone who looked at me the wrong way. But worse was the utter failure I felt on a daily basis in my gut. I had let her down in the worst way, but my biggest fault was that I wasn't able to do the one thing I was trained to do.

"When was the last time you ate something?" Lock asked.

I frowned, trying to remember. Coffee had become the only thing I consumed most days. In fact, if I didn't have it, my hands shook from the withdrawal of caffeine.

"Come on. Let's get out of here. "

I shook my head. "I should really…try and figure something else out."

"What you need is breakfast. How can you think when there's nothing in your stomach?"

I didn't want to leave, but when he hauled me out of my chair, I didn't have much choice but to follow. I walked out to the truck with him, allowing him to drive since I was barely able to walk anymore. The second I got in the truck and relaxed back in the seat, I felt my whole body start to shut down. I didn't want to allow it, but I didn't know how to prevent it.

The soft rocking of the truck soon lulled me to sleep and I didn't wake up until Lock shook me awake at the diner in town. I looked at the clock and then at him with a raised eyebrow. An hour had passed.

He just shrugged it off. "You needed some sleep, even if it was only an hour."

I got out and made my way into the diner, surprised when Brock and Scottie were already waiting. I immediately grabbed a mug for coffee, but Lock snatched it out of my hands.

"I think you've had enough of that for now." He signaled to the waitress. "Orange juice for this one. Keep ‘em coming."

"I need fucking coffee," I said, yawning wide.

"What you need is something other than caffeine running through your veins."

He sat down in the chair beside me and watched me like I was going to break at any second. In fact, they were all staring at me.

"Geez, look somewhere else. There's nothing to see here."

"Just making sure you don't spontaneously combust," Scottie chuckled.

"There you go," the waitress said, setting a large cup of orange juice in front of me. "And what can I get you to eat?"

My stomach churned at the thought of eating anything.

"Get him everything on the menu. Just bring it out as it's ready and set it on the table."

"Everything?" she asked, her eyes growing wide.

"Everything."

"Okay," she said, turning away. "This better be one huge tip. "

I scrubbed at my eyes, needing another ten hours of sleep before I would be functional. That little cat nap hadn't done shit for me. I felt like I could fall asleep at the table.

"Drink," Lock said, shoving the glass closer to me.

Staring at the glass for a moment, I finally drank the orange juice, surprised when I finished the whole glass and still wanted more.

"See? Fresh orange juice will do that to you," Lock grinned.

"Okay, any new leads?" Brock asked.

"Nothing," I shook my head. "My last lead was fucked."

"There has to be something. How is it this woman has escaped us for so long?" Brock asked.

"I don't know. I've been through all her family. I talked in depth with her grandma about potential places she might go. Oliver said she only contacts him on a burner phone."

"She hasn't even told him where she's staying?" Scottie asked. "Doesn't that seem strange?"

"She doesn't want him to know where she is because she doesn't want me to know," I grumbled.

Everyone shared a knowing look, but it was Lock who got us back on track. "There has to be a footprint somewhere. No one just vanishes."

I nodded in agreement, but then considered something I hadn't before. "You're right. No one vanishes. Unless they have help."

"Help from who? Everyone at OPS knows she's missing. They all were there for your epic showdown with her," Brock pointed out. "Who else does she know who could help her vanish?"

"IKE," Scottie suggested.

"No, she's never met him," I said.

"Libby?"

"She's off the grid," Lock pointed out. "And I doubt she would help anyone we know if they were strapped to a bomb."

The door rang as it was pulled open. I glanced up and I knew right then and there who was behind Harper's disappearance. Rae looked at me, saw the anger on my face, and shrugged.

I shoved back from the table and stormed over to her. "Why? "

I heard the other chairs screech back as they rushed over to stop me from beating her ass.

"Because you needed to get your head on straight."

"Three fucking months, Rae. I've been looking for her—going out of my fucking mind day and night?—"

"Good," she snapped. "That's what you needed."

"I needed to know she was safe. I needed to find her!"

"You needed to be fucking sure," she argued. "Harper didn't need you to come around, only to freak out on her and leave her again. She needs you to be there for her one hundred percent, not half in. So, before I tell you where she is, you tell me right now, are you in for whatever happens? Or are you going to panic again and leave her behind?"

It was something I had debated with myself over and over for the last three months, and the answer was crystal clear in my mind. "I'm in."

"Good. Then get some food and some sleep. She needs to see the man she loves, not the fucking shadow you've become."

Despite getting a full night's sleep, I was still exhausted, but sleep wouldn't come until I saw the woman I loved again. I insisted on coming by myself, but Rae wouldn't allow that, telling me I needed someone to keep me in check, and since my team got called up for an assignment, I was left with whoever she assigned me.

That's how I ended up with Dash and FNG preventing me from sleeping on the drive to her house.

"I'm telling you, it was in the movie Fandango, " Dash snapped.

"Just because it was in a movie doesn't mean that my grandpa didn't come up with the phrase."

Dash snorted. "Yeah, your grandfather came up with Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty."

"He did. I remember him telling me when I was a kid."

"Then maybe he heard it from the film and repeated it."

"You're full of crap," FNG growled .

"This coming from the man who apparently found Aztec gold."

"You don't believe me?"

"Nobody fucking believes you," Dash retorted.

I was about ready to kick them both out of the minivan and leave their asses behind. "Shut up!" I snapped. "Nobody cares who invented the phrase."

"I do," Dash muttered.

"Nobody else does. Fucking hell, can you both stay silent until we get to her house?"

"Why should we have to be quiet?" FNG grouses. "We're the ones being forced to come along on this…mission."

"Fuck, it's only twenty more minutes. Do you think you could just shut the fuck up for that long?"

They shared a glare, but kept quiet the rest of the way. The closer we got, the harder it was for me to sit still. I was desperate to see her and terrified at the same time. What if she didn't want to see me? What if the things I said couldn't be forgiven?

As we drove through the small town, I had to admit that Rae chose well. The area was quaint and filled with small-town charm. There was a small grocery store, a bookstore, and a single gas station where the attendants still came out and pumped gas for local residents.

The ache in my chest eased slightly knowing Rae had relocated her to such a decent place. When we turned down her street, my heart rate sped up. I was here, finally within reach of the woman I loved.

"That's it," Dash said, nodding to the house with the house number 804 in white letters down the front porch post.

I took in a deep breath and shoved the door open, but moving toward the house was an all-new challenge. After months of searching, I finally found her, but now I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to screw this up again, and I was terrified that she would slam the door in my face.

But there was only one way to find out. I marched up the steps and knocked on the front door, ignoring the fact that ice coated each step. It was a safety hazard, but if I brought that up the first time I saw her, I'd only piss her off.

The door swung open and tears sprung to my eyes at the sight of her. She was beautiful. Those violet eyes studied me like I was a wild animal, and her hands were clenched tight in fists. My eyes slowly drifted over her, taking in all the changes to her body in the past three months. Her face was a little fuller. Her breasts…fucking hell, they were gorgeous. But what struck me hardest was the small bump she was sporting under her tight shirt.

I slid my hand over my mouth, nearly breaking down in tears as I stared at our child. "Harper," I croaked out.

She shook her head slightly, then slammed the door in my face.

"Ouch," FNG said from behind me. I hadn't even been aware they'd come up to the house with me. "Looks like we drove out here for nothing."

"I'm not giving up that easily." I slammed my fist against the door until she opened it again. Her face twisted in anger as she waited for me to speak. "We need to talk."

Again, the door slammed in my face. Fucking hell, she didn't even want to talk to me? Then, her speakers blasted music, essentially cutting off any attempt of me speaking to her.

"Is that…Benson Boone?" FNG asked.

"What?"

Dash nodded. "Apropos."

"What?" I snapped.

"Oh, it's this song about how the girl broke this guy's heart and blames all her problems on her mental state. And he's tired of hearing her excuses, so he tells her she can cry. Hence, the title of the song, Cry . Only, in this scenario, she's the guy and you're the girl with all the problems." He winced. "Sorry, man."

I rolled my eyes and pounded on the door again, but she just cranked up the music.

"This is fucking ridiculous," I muttered. "I'm here to make things right. Why doesn't she see that?"

"Well," Dash said calmly. "I would assume it's because she doesn't want to hear your excuses. And she wants you to cry. Have you tried that?"

"If you don't have something helpful to say, shut the fuck up." I stormed over to the door again and slammed my fist against the thick wood, but she couldn't hear me over the music. "Fuck this."

I stomped down the steps, nearly slipping on the ice, and stalked around to the back of the house. If she wasn't going to let me in, I'd just break the damn door down. By the time I reached the back steps, I had calmed down enough not to actually kick in the door. Instead, I picked the lock and let myself in. I followed the sound of the music until I reached the kitchen. But I didn't get much further than that because her little attack cat had me cornered and was hissing at me, stretching his claws out.

"Stop," I hissed, trying to flick the cat off my leg as he tried to climb it.

I flicked a little too hard and the cat went flying, hitting the wall with a thud. I winced as he scrambled to his feet and ran away. At least that was one problem out of the way.

I slowly walked closer, staring at her beautiful figure. From where I stood, I could see her watching out the window, probably waiting to see what I would do.

"Looking for me?"

She gasped, spinning around at the sound of my voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I came for you."

She pursed her lips, thrusting her hands on her hips defiantly. "Well, too bad. I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Then I'll stay here."

"No, you won't. You shouldn't even be here. How did you find me?"

"Your conspirator finally clued me in," I bit out. I was pissed as hell that she left, but I understood why. I walked over to the stereo and turned off the music. Now that the sound was off, I could hear her heavy breathing. She was terrified to have me here. Not because she was afraid of me, but because I might hurt her again. I could see that now, and I hated that I hurt her so much.

"I hurt you," I said bluntly. "I said horrible things to you when you were already scared. I blamed you for things that were just as much my fault, if not more." I shook my head as I recalled my hateful words. " It was just as much my responsibility to take care of you, and instead of dealing with your pregnancy calmly, I spewed hateful words at you. And I can never forgive myself for that."

She didn't say a word. In fact, she only watched me warily.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Harper. For everything. For not reacting the way I should have. For making what should have been a happy moment so fucking terrible. But most of all, for not realizing the whole time we were together that I love you, and I was a fool to not see that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. It took you walking out on me to realize all that I was missing, and it should never have come to that."

I stepped toward her, but she backed up a step, still desperate to get away from me.

"I know you can't forgive me right away. But I'm hoping one day, you'll look at me the way you used to." I moved one foot at a time, taking it slow so I didn't scare her off. I held out my hand like I would to a frightened kitten and slowly slid my hand over her growing belly. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until that very moment. I exhaled sharply, getting down on my knees as I pressed the other hand to her stomach.

It was real. There was a baby in there, and it was a product of the two of us. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her stomach, then rested my forehead against it, feeling the smallest bump against my head. I jerked my gaze up to meet hers and nearly started crying.

"Was that…"

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears. "Yes."

"Is it—" I cut myself off, not sure I wanted to know the answer to the question. "Is it a boy or girl?"

She sniffled loudly, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "It's a girl."

I choked on a cry, pressing my lips to her stomach again. Fucking hell, how did I get so damn lucky. "It's a girl," I whispered.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt tiny flutters pressing against my hands. "Harper," I croaked, "Please…I know I don't deserve anything from you…I've screwed up so much. But please…let me be part of this."

"Is that all you want? "

At her question, my gaze jerked up to meet her eyes. "I want so much more," I admitted.

"What made you change your mind?"

I slowly got to my feet, sliding my hand behind her neck. "When I found out you were gone…I had been drunk for two weeks straight, barely functioning. And then I showed up on Oliver's doorstep with some flimsy reason I needed to see you. And when he told me you were gone, I just realized that I had done this to myself. With my excuses and little lies I told myself, I had pushed you away. The truth is, I was scared. So fucking scared because I felt more for you than anyone before in my entire life. And if you left me…"

I shook my head, unable to put into words what I was feeling on that day, and still felt right now as I stood in front of her. "I failed you in so many ways. And I can never forgive myself for the way I treated you. But I'm here now, and I love you so fucking much. I want this baby, and I know I might be terrible at being a father, but—I swear to God, I will not turn out like my old man. I will love you and protect both of you, if you'll have me."

Her eyes were filled with tears, but what they meant, I had no clue. Maybe she would kick me in the balls and tell me it was too late. Maybe she would break down and take me back. It was a toss-up.

But when she stepped toward me and slipped her hand in mine, I sucked in a breath, hoping it meant what I thought it did. I stared at our linked hands and prayed with everything in me that she would forgive me.

"I tried to hate you," she whispered. "I really tried to pretend that I was better off without you." She brushed the tears from her cheek and looked into my eyes. "I really tried to tell myself that loving you was pointless. But the truth is, even after everything you've done, I still want you."

I held my breath, waiting for the but that I was sure was coming.

"Promise me right now, Edu. Swear to me that you will never speak to me that way again."

"Never."

"If you do, that's it. It's over. I can't and won't be treated like I'm not worthy of you. "

I nodded, remembering what Oliver told me. I would tear that story out of her later, but for right now, it was enough to know that she was giving me another chance.

"I swear to you, I will never make you feel like you're nothing again." I pulled her against my body and slowly moved in for the kiss that I'd longed for the past three months. Her soft lips touched mine and I was a goner. I sucked in a ragged breath, feeling the tears on my cheeks. I wasn't ashamed in the least. This woman brought me to my knees and then made me whole. Whatever our past issues, they had to stay in the past. There was no way to move forward with the threat of my father's ghost hanging over me.

"I'm yours, Harper. For the rest of our lives, I'm yours."