23. James

CHAPTER 23

JAMES

P ushing myself harder, I sprint the last few yards to my front door and collapse on the porch steps. It's sunset, and though it's rush hour it's quiet up here in my neighborhood.

Grabbing my water bottle, I take a sip and then towel my face off. I don't usually spend nights at my Olympus City house — typically I stay in the penthouse a few blocks from GarrisTech — but coming back from Hawaii I felt like I needed a change of pace.

Exhausted from the run, I lean against the steps and watch the orange sky deepen into purple.

Inevitably, my thoughts turn to her.

To them.

Billie and Quinn.

I still can't believe I have a daughter.

Closing my eyes, I try to push back the surge of emotions, but it's no good. The anger, hurt, and confusion haven't gone anywhere in the last week.

And neither has the excitement.

I have a daughter!

I never wanted kids before, but hearing that I already have one changes the game completely. It makes me want to show up, makes me want to get to know my daughter and makes sure she has the best life possible. Make sure she has all the things I never had.

But there's still a part of me that's angry at Sara for not telling me about Quinn. I can't shake the feeling that I've missed out on so much, that I don't know who my daughter is. I don't know what it's like to watch her grow up, to be there for her when she needs me, to be her father.

And then there's Billie.

How could she keep such a big secret from me for so long? I loved that woman, and she crushed me.

Hell, let's be honest. I still love her.

Groaning, I drop my head into my hands.

When look up, Carlos's car is coming up the driveway.

I frown. What's he doing here? Did we have plans?

Not that I'm not happy to see him. I welcome any kind of distraction these days.

He comes to a stop in front of me and gets out with a bottle of bourbon. And then I remember: it's our monthly poker night.

In about half an hour, six other guys will be here ready to play.

I never forget about poker night. Ever.

But tonight, I'm not sure I'm up for it.

"Hey man," Carlos says, handing me the bottle. "You look like you could use a drink."

I take it, uncapping it and taking a swig. The warmth of the bourbon spreads through me, easing some of the tension in my body.

"Thanks," I say, leaning my head back against the steps. "I don't know if I'm in the mood for poker tonight, though."

Carlos sits down next to me. "What's going on?"

I hesitate, not sure if I want to open up to him about everything that's been going on. But the bourbon loosens my tongue, and before I know it, I'm spilling everything.

"Billie told me something in Hawaii. Her daughter, Quinn, is adopted, and… she's my daughter. My biological daughter."

Carlos stares at me like I've lost my mind. "You're shitting me."

"Nope." I take another swig and pass the bottle to him so he can do the same. "She started working at GarrisTech so she could get medical information on me." I snort. "She didn't want to tell me about Quinn. She figured she would just be a sleuth and uncover the information she wanted."

"Dude…"

"…and now I have a daughter," I finish, feeling drained just from talking about it.

"What sort of medical information? Is the girl okay?"

I swallow against a knot in my throat. "Billie said she has asthma, and she wants to find out if there's anything else lurking."

My chest tightens. Is there anything else in Quinn's genetics the doctors should know about?

I hate thinking about her going through asthma — going through anything — without me.

I've never even seen a photo of Quinn, and yet I can't stop thinking about her.

Has she ever wondered about me?

Carlos takes a deep breath, contemplating what I've told him. "That's a lot to take in, man."

I nod. "I know."

"But you have a daughter now," he says, clapping me on the back. "That's amazing."

I can't help but chuckle at his enthusiasm. "Yeah, it is."

Silence falls between us, broken only by the sound of crickets chirping in the distance. The wind rustles through the trees, and I realize for the first time how peaceful it is out here.

This house is great, with a massive yard and big trees that are perfect for climbing. A kid would love this place.

"So." Carlos studies me. "Billie adopted Quinn… so who is Quinn's birth mom?"

I stare at the bottle in my hand. "Sara Ford. We went out a bit. Apparently she died about six and a half years ago."

I'd looked Sara up before even getting back on the plane to Olympus City. There wasn't much other than a defunct social media page and an obituary.

"I just don't get it." I rub my eyes. "Sara kept Quinn from me. Then Billie kept Quinn from me. Why?"

There's a long silence.

"I have an answer," Carlos says, "but I'm not sure you'll like it."

"Nothing could possibly hurt worse than this last week." I give him a blank stare.

"For a woman to choose to have a kid on her own, with all the struggle that comes with," Carlos says, "she must have really not wanted you involved. So the question is, what did you do wrong?"

The words hit me hard, and for a moment, I'm not sure how to respond. What did I do wrong? The question echoes in my mind, and I feel a sudden surge of anger.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I growl, fixing Carlos with a hard stare. "I didn't do anything wrong. Sara made the decision to keep Quinn from me, and Billie just went along with it. What could I possibly have done to deserve that?"

Carlos raises his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "I'm just saying… it's something to think about. Maybe there's more to this than you realize."

I take another swig of bourbon, trying to calm myself down. Carlos is my friend, but he doesn't know the whole story. He doesn't know what Sara was like, how she stopped returning my calls after a few dates. How she made it clear that she didn't need me in her life.

But as I sit there in silence, staring into the darkness, I can't help but wonder if Carlos is right. Was there something I could have done differently? Something that would have made Sara want me in her life?

Or something that I did wrong?

Carlos is right. Why would Sara choose to be a single mother? She would have only gone down that path if she felt it was the only way.

And she felt it was the only way because she didn't want me anywhere near her or Quinn.

It hits me like a pile of bricks. "God. I'm a terrible person."

"I wouldn't go so far as to say that, man. My kids love you. You're—"

I shake my head. "I was terrible to Sara. Of course she didn't want to have anything to do with me. Of course she didn't want me to know about Quinn."

I look Carlos in the eye. It's all coming back now. "The third night we went out, I was texting another woman during dinner, right in front of Sara. She saw it, and I tried to play it off like it was nothing. I didn't even apologize. And then when someone who knew us both asked about her I said…"

I suck in a sharp breath, hating myself.

"You said what?" Carlos prompts.

"I said that she was clingy and desperate, that she was way too into me," I admit, feeling the bile rise in my throat. "I said that she was probably already planning our wedding in her head, and that I was just trying to let her down easy. I made her out to be this pathetic woman who couldn't handle being single. And now I realize how wrong I was."

I close my eyes against the disappointment. It wasn't just Sara. I used to trash-talk most people once I was done with them. Not once did I consider doing anything different.

Carlos nods, understanding now. "Yeah, that would do it. But we all make mistakes. You fucked up, but that doesn't mean you're a terrible person. What matters is what you do now."

"It's too late to apologize to Sara." Knowing she's gone is a weight in my chest. Poor Quinn. She never got to know her birth mother.

Carlos sighs. "Look, man, all you can do now is try to make it right in any way you can. Reach out to Billie, apologize, be there for Quinn however you can."

I nod, feeling grateful for Carlos's words. He's right. I can't change the past, but I can try to make things right with Billie.

"I need to talk to her," I say firmly. "I need to apologize."

Carlos nods, offering me a small smile. "I think that's a good idea, man. But remember, it's not about making yourself feel better. It's about making things right with her and Quinn."

I nod in agreement. "I know. I just hope she'll be willing to talk to me."

"Well, there's only one way to find out," Carlos says, clapping me on the back. "Good luck, man."

I take a deep breath, feeling a sense of determination wash over me. I need to do this for Sara. I fucked up big time before, and there's no going back.

But I can do better.

Maybe I can even seize an opportunity to be there for our child.

…If Billie will let me.

How do I even begin to reconcile with her? How do I make things right after I rejected her and abandoned her in her time of need?

I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her, when she told me about Quinn and I left without saying a word. How could I have been so heartless?

I know I messed up. And now I have to fix it.

"How about we call off poker night?" Carlos takes out his phone. "You've got a lot on your plate. I'll text the others."

I nod, grateful. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

Carlos gives me a small smile. "No problem, bro. Just take care of yourself, okay?"

I nod again, feeling like I have a lot of work to do. "I will."

With that, Carlos leaves, and I'm left alone with my thoughts.

Taking a deep breath, I force myself to stand up and head inside. As I walk through the empty house, I can't help but feel a sense of loneliness. It's not just because I'm single, but because I haven't let anyone in. Not really.

But maybe that can change.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll say my piece to Billie and that will be that. She'll never want to see me again.

I'll never get the chance to meet my daughter.

Leaning against the wall, I close my eyes. The worst-case scenario is now a real possibility, and if it comes down to it, I'll just need to live with it. Whatever will be, will be.

I sowed my oats.

Time to reap them.