21. Billie

CHAPTER 21

BILLIE

M y shoulders back and my head held high, I walk down the hallway, searching for James.

He's not where I left him, and my stomach drops. Has he taken off without me? Decided this is a bad idea after all?

But then I spot him. He's in an armchair between two potted plants, staring at his clasped hands.

I freeze. From his body language, it's clear something is the matter.

"James?" I call out softly, approaching him. "What's wrong?"

He looks up at me, his eyes wide and filled with disbelief. "I have a child," he says, his voice barely above a whisper.

My heart drops as I understand the weight of his words.

"I didn't know," he says, his voice shaking. "I don't know who… I don't know anything."

Oh my God. He doesn't know. He has no idea about Quinn.

It makes so much sense now. I could never understand why he abandoned her. Him not knowing about her existence is a whole different matter.

My gaze drops to the floor, and I feel queasy. Where do we go from here? How will I tell him about Quinn?

I sit down next to him, wanting to touch him but feeling like I don't have the right. I've kept this secret from him, and now he's found out on his own.

And I look like a vile person.

He blinks, still looking dazed. "I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl… how old they are… who their mother is."

I take a deep breath. "James. Remember I said I needed to talk to you about something?"

He looks at me like I'm speaking a different language. "Huh? When?"

"Just a few minutes ago. Right before I went to the bathroom." I lick my lips. There's no easy way to say this, so I should just come out with it.

"Um. Yeah." He frowns in confusion. "But I'm sorry, Billie. I'm kind of preoccupied right now—"

"I know you have a child," I blurt out. "A girl. Six years old."

His eyes widen? "What? How do you know that?"

I swallow hard, feeling the weight of my secret crushing me. "Because I'm her mother, James. I adopted Quinn when she was three months old."

He stares at me for a long moment, and I feel a crushing weight pushing down on me.

And then he starts laughing.

I blink, taken aback. Is he laughing at me? At Quinn?

"What's so funny?" I ask, anger rising in my chest.

He shakes his head, still chuckling. "I'm sorry, Billie. It's just… You're kidding. You have to be…"

"I'm not kidding," I say quietly. "I signed up for a DNAU account to see if I could find out any medical information for Quinn. She had an asthma attack and I was freaking out. I wanted to see if there was anything else I should watch out for. And then you showed up as a match. As her father. I couldn't ask you directly about her health, and so—"

"Wait, wait." He holds his hands up, his voice rising. "Why couldn't you directly ask me?"

"Because Sara said you wanted nothing to do with her."

James drops his hands, looking shellshocked. "Sara who?"

"Sara Ford."

He looks at me like he's never heard the name, but a moment later recognition takes over.

"Wait, Sara Ford? As in the Sara Ford I hooked up with a few times years ago?"

I nod, feeling a pang of jealousy at the thought, even though it was years ago.

"I haven't seen or heard from Sara in years," he says, his voice low. "I had no idea she got pregnant."

I let out a sigh, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. He really didn't know. He wasn't just playing dumb to get out of responsibility.

James stares at me, and I can see the conflicting emotions flickering behind his eyes. He's angry, but I can also see a hint of fear. He's scared of what this means for him. And I can't say that I blame him.

I'm scared too. Terrified.

"Sara didn't tell me," he says to the floor. "Why didn't she tell me?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. And we can't ask her."

His eyes shine for a moment before he scrubs his face. "Okay, so is this why you applied to work at GarrisTech? You were, what? Going to spy on me to get information? Get money out of me?"

I feel my blood boil at the suggestion. "No," I say firmly. "I would never do that. I just wanted to be as informed as possible about any medical challenges Quinn might face, and I thought you might be a valuable source of information."

James stands and starts pacing. I watch him move back and forth, frustrated and helpless.

"I can't believe this," he mutters. "How am I supposed to react to this? What am I supposed to do?"

Then he whirls around to face me. "You lied to me."

"I…" My words trail away. As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. "I did it for Quinn," I lamely finish.

James's eyes narrow, and I can feel his anger radiating towards me. "You didn't think to tell me the truth from the beginning? You just assumed that I wouldn't want anything to do with my own daughter?"

My own anger rises. "I didn't assume anything," I snap. "You weren't on the birth certificate, and before she died, Sara told everyone that the father — you — wanted nothing to do with her or the baby."

His face falls. It's not a low blow, though. It's the truth.

"So," I hiss, "speaking of protecting daughters, that's exactly what I was doing."

His gaze falls to the ground. I could add more — about how he's never even met Quinn so it's ridiculous for him to make it sound like he has more of a right to her than I do, about how Sara must have had a good reason to keep Quinn a secret from him — but I don't need to add these things.

He already knows them. We can both feel these heavy truths sitting between us.

I sigh and unfold my arms. This isn't how I imagined this going down. Twenty minutes ago we were locked in an embrace, the future looking bright and promising.

And now it's all crumbling to pieces.

"James…"

"Don't." He holds up a hand, still not looking at me. "I need to get out of here."

He lifts his face and looks around, looking like a caged animal. "Don't follow me."

The words are a punch to the gut. They nearly knock me over.

I watch as he turns and storms away, his footsteps echoing down the hallway. Tears prick at my eyes, but I blink them away. This isn't the time to break down.

I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair, trying to gather my thoughts. James has a right to be angry, but I had to do what I thought was best for Quinn.

How do I make him see that? How do I make him understand that I wasn't trying to deceive him, but to protect my daughter?

Or is there even any point in trying?

Maybe this is all for the best. It was stupid to think James and I would work out anyway.

But even as I think it, my chest fills with a ragged, awful pain. Last night was probably the best night of my life.

A night that I never wanted to end, but already it feels like a distant memory. The weight of my actions and the possibility of never seeing James again is almost too much to bear.

I watch him disappear down the hallway and feel like a part of me is going with him. I don't know what to do or say to make things right between us. I don't even know if things can be made right.

But I have to try. I can't let him walk out of my life without a fight.

I quickly run after him, calling his name. He doesn't turn around, but I can see his shoulders tense up.

"James, please," I plead, catching up to him. "We need to talk about this. We can figure something out."

He stops abruptly and spins around, his eyes blazing with anger. "Figure something out? What is there to figure out, huh? You came into my life and kept Quinn from me. How am I supposed to trust you after that?"

"I know, and I'm sorry," I say softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "I did it to protect her."

Hurt fills his eyes. "From me."

"I…" I trail off. Yes. From him.

I gulp. "You must know what people say about you."

His eyes flash. "And you believe them? You think I would put Quinn in danger?"

"No!" I shake my head vigorously. "Of course not. But I had to make sure, for her sake."

He studies me for a long moment, and for a second, I think I see a hint of softness in his eyes. But it's quickly replaced with ice.

"I can't believe you would do this," he says finally, his voice low and dangerous. "I trusted you, and you betrayed me."

I take a step back. What am I doing?

Am I really asking him to stay in my life? To enter Quinn's life?

Sara didn't want James in Quinn's world; how do I know he's any different now?

Last night could have been a temporary thing — a wonderful period before he reverted back to his asshole, grumpy self.

Tears fill my eyes. It feels like this is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm doing it. I'm letting him go.

"Goodbye, James," I say.

For the briefest moment, something flickers in his eyes. Regret?

As quickly as it's there, though, it's also gone, and then he turns and stalks away, vanishing into the crowd.