Twelve

Of course, Ellie was right to be pissed with me for ignoring her all night, and since I’d also kissed someone else (a boy), I didn’t blame her. But I also hadn’t done much grovelling either. And that, I soon learned, was what had been expected of me. It was Georgia who gave me that lesson at the meeting for the Halloween ball the following afternoon.

“You should buy her something,” she said quietly beside me.

“Huh?” The group were discussing what sort of music there should be; one of the girls had an uncle who did weddings. Another had a brother who was in a covers band. I couldn’t be arsed either way but cast my vote for the covers band with a raise of my hand.

“Buy her a gift. To apologise,” Georgia said.

“I already apologised.”

This earned me a look. “She likes you a lot, you know.”

“Yeah, I like her too.”

“No, Jude, like...a lot, a lot. Christ, boys are so...clueless.”

She wasn’t wrong. I was clueless. Alfie was clueless.

Caspien wasn’t, though. He was a boy who had a lot of clues.

And my mind was back on him again, where it had been most of the day. And yesterday. I’d lain awake most of the night thinking about it. Looking at his Instagram.

Had he liked me kissing him? Had he spent the last two days thinking about it in minute detail as I had? Unlikely, since he’d kissed boys before and men too, it wasn’t a particularly big deal for him. Maybe that was why he left his school in Switzerland because he’d kissed them all. That particular thought made something blister on the inside of my gut.

No. He hadn’t spent a single second thinking about it. He’d probably picked up the phone, called his pervert, and had a good old laugh about how terrible a kisser I was. I forced my attention back to Georgia and her advice on how to get Ellie to stop being pissed at me.

“So, what should I buy her?” I asked, turning to Georgia.

After clearing it with Beth, I invited Ellie over on Thursday evening. On Wednesday after school, I’d gone into town with Josh to pick up the ‘apology gift’. Alfie had football and couldn’t come, so Josh and I wandered into the make-up store with a screenshot Georgia sent me, a hefty percentage of my pocket money, and a look of extreme bewilderment on our faces.

Men, and most certainly boys, didn’t belong in places like these. The mirrors and display cases made me think of those rooms at the carnival, and the number of attractive girls eyeing us curiously was overwhelming.

In the end, I showed my screenshot to a supermodel wearing a lot of make-up – who smiled at me like I was a stray kitten who’d wandered in – and went off to pick it out for me.

Josh and I stood still and tried not to touch anything.

It cost almost a hundred pounds for a small bag that weighed close to nothing. I was certain there was nothing in it. But it was gift-wrapped so nicely that I didn’t want to open and ruin it to check. The receipt listed mascara, lip tint, and highlighter, which I assumed were very expensive.

“Hey, what if she thinks you’re saying she needs make-up,” Josh said as we walked back towards school where Luke was picking us up.

“She won’t; she’s not like that,” I said. At least, I didn’t think she was.

I didn’t give it too much thought because most of my brain was wondering why on earth I was buying Ellie a gift to apologise for something when I’d done something far worse.

The rest of my brain was still thinking about that far worse thing.

I’d started to wonder if maybe I’d imagined it after drinking that glass of champagne. If maybe it had all been some strange drunken dream born from the same place as the hard-on I’d got the night we’d messed around on my bed. Figments of an overactive teenage boy’s imagination.

The irony was that Caspien himself was the only person who could confirm whether it had happened or not. And I was avoiding him.

I was pretty sure I could avoid him forever with some careful strategising.

“Did Georgia pick these out then?” Ellie asked with a small, tempered smile. It was like she was holding back a bigger one.

It was Thursday night and we were facing each other on my bed. She’d torn open the top of the gift bag and was pulling the items out and inspecting them carefully one by one.

Was I supposed to deny it? Was it less of an apology since I hadn’t picked them out myself? I had no clue. She looked at me, and her mouth transformed from a smile into something softer.

“Thank you, they’re perfect.”

“Sorry,” I muttered. My skin had felt weird and ill-fitting since we’d come upstairs. Since we’d been alone.

My head was still full of Caspien, even with Ellie in front of me. His pretty mouth, his grey-blue eyes, his vicious sneer. There was comfort in those things. Because I knew my place in front of them. Beneath him.

Here, and perhaps whenever I was alone with Ellie, I felt like I was playing some role. One that didn’t suit me and that I clearly wasn’t very good at since I kept getting it wrong and missing my lines.

She nodded. “It’s okay. I’m over it.”

I couldn’t tell if that was true or not.

We still weren’t allowed to have the door closed, but it didn’t stop Ellie from scooting up the bed and planting her mouth on mine.

I kept my hands by my sides at first but then worried that she might read something into that, so I slid my hand into her hair and angled her head closer. Kissing her back as hard as I could. Analysing it even as it was happening.

Familiar, sweet, and safe.

All things the kiss with Caspien hadn’t been.

When she pressed her hand between my legs, tentative and gentle, I felt a stirring of something pleasant. But I didn’t know if it was because I was thinking about Caspien’s mouth while I compared them both.

But soon, he was all I was thinking about, and the pleasant feeling spread down and out, so it was another mouth and some other hand on my dick.

I pulled back quickly, guilty.

Ellie gave me a look of confusion that I tried smiling at.

I was relieved when Luke’s voice from the bottom of the stairs crashed through the awkwardness.

“Jude! Come down a minute, will you?”

I gave Ellie a small smile and stood. “Uh, I’ll be back in a minute.”

She nodded, watching me with big doe eyes.

“The door was open,” I told Luke.

Instead of saying anything he just nodded toward the kitchen and then went back into the living room and closed the door. I could hear the title music of University Challenge begin.

Confused, I wandered down the hall to the kitchen and almost shat myself at what I found there.

Caspien sat at the kitchen table, hands clasped in front of him.

Only when I closed the kitchen door did he turn to look at me. His eyes were dark and faintly furious.

“What are you doing here?” My question came out rude. I’d been avoiding him for a reason and now here he was sitting at my kitchen bloody table.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he said.

I stared at him. “I live here.”

“It’s Thursday.”

“Right? And?”

“Oh, so you knew what day it was?” His eyes widened. “Because I thought maybe you’d gotten your days mixed up again. Like you did on Tuesday, but no. It seems you didn’t.”

“I didn’t.”

“Okay, so then why aren’t we studying in the library?”

I blinked. I really couldn’t decipher the look in his eye.

“Because...” I kissed you, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it, and I was scared I might do it again. “I was busy,” I muttered, which seemed to incense him further.

“With your girlfriend?” he sniffed.

“Yes, actually.”

He stared at me for a long time. Then he stood.

“Is this about the kiss?” he asked.

My cheeks burned so hot I was sure my head was about to burst into flame.

“Do you seriously think you’re the first purportedly ‘straight’ boy to kiss me?” He let out a small laugh and then tilted his head to study me. “Oh no, wait, that’s not it. It’s because you liked it, isn’t it? That’s why you’re being weird.”

“Can you shut up,” I warned.

A low thrum had begun to rattle in the pit of me. I wasn’t sure if it was because I wanted to hit him or kiss him.

He took a step closer, and the low thrum turned to a loud thump.

“We can do it again if you like,” he said with a sly smile. When he reached for me, I caught his wrist, holding it out from my body like it was a poisonous thing. “It would be far more interesting than watching you sigh your way through your biology homework.”

I trembled at how close his mouth was. It would be nothing to just move my head, lower my mouth toward his, even if just to shut him up…

“Jude?” Ellie’s voice came from the hallway outside.

I practically threw him away from me and watched as a look of pure delight swept over his features. Stepping away from the door just as she pushed it open, I turned to face Ellie, who looked surprised at the sight of Caspien.

“Oh, hey, Caspien.” She glanced at me before giving him a small wave. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“Hello, Jude’s girlfriend.” He gave her a smile that sent a chill down my spine.

Ellie smiled back at him, a little confused. “Happy Birthday, by the way,” she said to him.

He gave her a close-lipped smile.

She sidled closer to me and asked him: “Are you...staying, or?”

Caspien and I spoke at the same time.

“No.”

“No.”

I wanted him to disappear immediately.

I was certain then that she knew. And if she didn’t, then she would soon, she would be able to guess the longer we were in the same room together.

“I suppose I’ll get going,” Caspien said. “Let you two do...whatever it was you were doing before I came along.” He gave me a grin that I could only describe as unhinged.

When he was a few steps out into the hallway, Ellie called out, “You should hang out with us again soon.”

“Sure, why not? Jude has my number.” He gave me a pointed look.

Then he was gone. And I could breathe.

When we were alone, she turned to me. “What was he here for?”

My head scrambled. I decided to stay as close to the truth as possible. “We normally study together on Thursday nights. I forgot to cancel.”

“Rude, Jude.” She grinned playfully.

My phone buzzed in my back pocket as we made our way back upstairs.

Unknown:

Come over on Saturday. I need you for something.

I typed back quickly.

Me:

How did you even get this number??

Unknown:

Luke gave it to me. You know, since we’re ‘friends’ now.

I ignored him until Ellie left – though my phone sat like a silent siren on my bedside for the next two hours. I could barely hold a conversation with her, my mind obsessing over what he might be sending me while I sat there and let Ellie kiss me.

When I finally looked, there was only one new message from earlier.

Caspien:

Come over by 12 on Saturday.

Me:

I can’t. I’m busy.

I had brushed my teeth and was getting into bed before he replied.

Caspien:

It wasn’t a request, Jude.

Then:

Caspien:

I’d hate for your girlfriend to find outhowmuch you like kissing boys.

I froze. My blood boiling in my veins. I could imagine him smirking as he lay in bed, enjoying every minute of making my life a living nightmare. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and resolved to ignore him and his threats.

Ignoring him lasted until I woke up on Saturday morning. There was another text from him.

Caspien:

I found your girlfriend on snapchat. I think I should message her and tell her what we did.

I was all the way awake in an instant, my fingers typing furiously, heart thumping wildly.

Me:

As if you would.

Caspien:

It’s amusing you think I wouldn’t.

My heartbeat quickened, panicked.

Me:

Leave her alone.

The three dots appeared a few moments later.

Caspien:

Maybe you’re the one who should leave her alone. Since you like boys.

My cheeks flamed and my mouth dried. Of course, I wasn’t going to answer that. Or refer to it whatsoever.

Anyway, I was pretty sure I didn’t like boys. I just liked one boy. Who I in fact hated. My head hurt.

Me:

Are you seriously this bored?

Caspien:

It’s not boredom, Jude. I just really like playing with you.

I loathed how my body reacted to that. My dick took notice instantly and I shoved the phone away from me and stuck my hand down my boxers.

Caspien:

I think I’ll start with ‘Hey Ellie, I feel shit about this, but there’s something you should know about Jude: Surprise! He likes boys!’

Me:

Are you psychotic? Like, is that your thing?

It would certainly explain a lot.

Caspien:

I bet you’d like to know all about my thing, wouldn’t you, Judith?

Me:

Fuck off

I threw my phone down on the bed again. It was another minute before it vibrated again. Another five before I felt brave enough to look at it.

Caspien:

You have until 12 to get here or I’m messaging her.