Eleven

At first, Caspien stood stiff against me. Then, his hands came up to grab hold of my upper arms, and he opened that terrible, vicious mouth.

It was soft and wet and tasted of champagne and birthday cake. It was hot, too, his tongue and lips searing mine as he kissed me back, exploring the inside of my mouth with his own. When he sucked on my lip, I shuddered.

My entire destruction felt possible from that kiss, and I had no desire to fight it. It was what books and song lyrics told you kisses ought to be. It was the end of childhood and the beginning of something else, and I knew I would not be the same when it was over.

The other thought moving through me was this: This is Caspien. I’m kissing Caspien. He’s letting me kiss him.

It was ludicrous. To be kissing him. For him to be clinging to me like this. To have his tongue in my mouth. I’m sure it was the illogical nature of it that had my dick hard in an instant. I shoved him back against the door and rubbed myself against him. When he moaned softly and rubbed back, I felt something weep out of it, hot and wet.

With a hiss, I jumped back, releasing my hold on him.

He stared up at me, cheeks flushed and eyes dark with excitement.

He licked his wet lips. “Well, well. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I …what...” My brain was completely offline. When Caspien raised a sharp expectant eyebrow at me, something inside collapsed. “I have to go...”

I threw open the door and bolted downstairs and out the back door. I ran all the way back to the cottage without stopping, my lungs burning and my heart beating so dangerously fast under my ribcage that I was sure I was going to die. Did people have heart attacks at fifteen? I realised too late that I didn’t have keys to get inside and that I’d have to wait for Beth and Luke to get home. Beth and Luke, who didn’t even know I’d left.

Confusion, panic and shame crawled over me as I sat with my back against the front door.

I’d kissed him.

A boy.

Not just a boy either; him. Caspien.

I didn’t even like him. In fact, I hated him most of the time. So why had I done it?

Was I gay?

I liked Ellie. I liked kissing her and being with her. I liked how she smelled and the way she smiled. She was sweet and soft and funny. Everything he wasn’t. I wanted to talk to someone about what it might mean, but I had no clue who. Luke would understand; I knew he would, but I wasn’t ready for it to be in the house, living with us.

And what did it mean he’d kissed me back? I decided to cast that part aside immediately because there was no reason for anything he did. Or rather, there were a thousand. Each one designed and well-planned. He probably thought it was funny. Something he could take the piss out of me for later.

I’d kissed him. I’d done it. And I knew now that it had been something I’d wanted to do for a while—maybe since the night in my room, maybe even before that. I’d wanted to kiss him, and so I had, and now everything was different. What was I supposed to do now? Who even was I now? Christ, I hated myself for it.

But then, I thought about his mouth and how it had tasted, how his tongue had felt sliding against my own, and I realised I wanted to do it again.

I groaned. How was I going to look at him again?

Okay, I wasn’t. That was a plan. I could stay away from him, and then there’d be absolutely no danger of it ever happening again. None. I couldn’t do anything like that again if I didn’t see him. So I just wouldn’t.

Except...it felt like I’d woken something up that had been asleep inside me, and now it was awake and hungry and alive.

I didn’t think you had it in you.

God, my head hurt.

I didn’t have to wait long. Luke and Beth returned about a half hour later, worried looks on their faces because Caspien said I’d looked sick as a dog when I came out of the bathroom. He’d said it was probably the champagne. That I’d asked him to let them know I’d walked home to get some air.

I agreed with every lie he’d told them and let Beth put me to bed with a headache pill and a glass of water, swearing not to let me touch alcohol again.

Alcohol. That was the reason it had happened. It had to be. It was the champagne. That made sense.

I tossed and turned for an hour or so before the pill took effect, and the adrenaline seeped from my body.

I woke up the following morning to three texts and a missed call from Ellie. There was no point in putting it off, so I called her. She answered on the fourth ring.

“Hello,” she said, a little sharply.

“Hey. Look, I’m sorry. I should have called, but it was one of those formal things where I felt like I’d get daggers for going on my phone or something.”

“Caspien was on his phone.”

“What?”

“I saw his insta. He posted a pic.”

Right. The inciting incident.

“Yeah, well, he went to put his gifts in his room, and so he took it then, I guess.”

“I’m sure you could have found a way to text me, Jude,” she’d pointed out huffily. She was right; I could have.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Did you just not want me to come over?”

“No, it wasn’t that. I just didn’t know how long we’d be there. Luke and Gideon talk for hours, and I hadn’t asked Beth if it was cool.”

“Hmm, right.”

“I am sorry, Ellie,” I said again. When she didn’t say anything, I added. “See you at school?”

“Yeah.”

She hung up without saying anything else, and I felt like shit. I wondered what the chances were of Beth letting me stay home today if I said I still felt like crap from the alcohol.

I lay there feeling sorry for myself for a bit, trying not to think about kissing Caspien until I heard Luke’s voice calling up the stairs.

A bowl of Cheerios was on the kitchen table and a large glass of orange juice.

“How’s the head?” Beth asked as she poured her tea into her travel mug.

“Is this what a hangover feels like?” I rubbed at my head for effect.

Luke laughed and bit into his toast, speaking around it. “You’ll live. I’ll buy you a bacon buttie on the way to school.”

I groaned, miserable. It would take a lot more than a bacon buttie to sort my head out; I knew that much.

Ellie barely spoke to me all day. She wasn’t downright pissed off with me, just distant and a little sad looking. It only added to the weight in my gut I’d been carrying around all day. Like butterflies, only heavier. I could barely eat lunch, convinced I was going to throw up from overthinking.

I checked my phone for a call or a message even though he didn’t have my number. Even if he did, I was certain he’d never call me. I didn’t even want to speak to him. I didn’t want to see him: that thought terrified me most of all. I felt lashed raw from the kiss, and I feared him like an open wound feared salt.

At lunch, they were asking for volunteers to help organise the Halloween ball for Year 9 and 10 after school the following afternoon. I said yes just so I had an excuse not to turn up to study night. Josh and Alfie had looked at me strangely. I never volunteered for anything, but then Alfie had shrugged and said he’d help out, too. Josh couldn’t, as he had rugby practice.

Ellie had given me a bewildered look, too, but said nothing else. Then, her and Georgia left the lunch table and wandered off with barely a goodbye.

The guys pounced on me immediately.

“You have a fight?”

“Did you break up?”

They asked at the same time.

Had we broken up? Since I went around kissing boys now, maybe that meant we had, but I wasn’t sure, so I shrugged.

“Come, on, Jude. Sort it out. If you guys break up there’s no chance for me and Georgia,” Alfie whined.

“Mate, there’s no chance for you and Georgia because you’re too shit scared to go for it,” Josh said without looking up from his plate. He’d covered his chips in cheese and tomato sauce as he always did before eating them very carefully, one by one, with his fingers.

“I’m gonna okay, Halloween Ball, it’s happening.”

“You said that before the Snow Ball last year,” I pointed out. “And the summer fling.”

Alfie looked at me, hurt. “Yeah, well, we can’t all have girls falling into our laps, mate.”

I frowned. “Hardly.

“Oh, come on? Ellie? Katy Phillips before she moved to Bristol. Abbie Driscoll.”

“Mackenzie Waller,” Josh supplied, shoving a chip in his mouth.

“Who?” I had no recollection of anyone called Mackenzie Waller.

“Oh, yeah!” Alfie’s eyes lit up at the reminder. “Mackenzie, she worked at the Beach Hut. She was obsessed with you.”

“If you say so,” I muttered, looking at my phone again for a text that was never going to appear.

“I do say so. They all take one look at you, and they’re like, ‘Oh, Jude...you’re so tall and nice. I love your freckles. Where’s Jude, Alfie? Is Jude on Snapchat, Alfie?’ His voice had gone high, and he batted his eyelashes at me.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“It’s not a bad impression, actually,” Josh supplied. “Abbie Driscoll did sound like that.”

As they both laughed, I stood from the table.

“Well, Georgie doesn’t like me like that, so you don’t really have that excuse, do you?” Then, for some stupid as shit reason, I said, “But I’d be quick because I’m pretty sure Caspien likes her.”

Alfie’s eyes bugged out of his head, face paling with genuine fear. “What?”

I shrugged. “He mentioned something about it.” A lie. He had mentioned her, though I was certain he didn’t like her. I was certain Caspien liked men. Older men. Perverts, specifically. But if it made Alfie get his finger out and if it meant they stopped focusing on me, then it wasn’t a horrible lie. A lie told for the right reasons. Like the ones you tell Ellie?

“He mentioned that he likes her?” Alfie scowled. “Seriously? Does she know?”

I shrugged again. “I don’t know. But girls are pretty good with this kind of thing.” I gave him a pointed look. “Okay, gotta go. Need to speak with Miss Ukede about my biology exam.”

I left them in the dining room. Alfie stared after me, his life with Georgia flashing before his eyes.