Chapter 61

WILLOW

I cannot explainhow bad I want to call my father.

Or my brother.

Or both of them.

A part of me feels that if I do that, then that’s it.

The line is crossed. The barrier is broken.

It’s all over for good.

I can’t stomach it.

I can’t even stomach to actually leave campus.

That’s why I cancelled the ride I paid for.

That’s why I’m sitting in the back of the campus cafe, sitting with some hot tea.

Milk and sugar help it taste better, but it’s not the coffee I desperately want.

I’ve had enough caffeine for one day - not to mention I have to be careful with the baby.

I’ve started looking into stuff like that.

What I can and cannot have.

I look at books online to order.

There’s too many. It’s overwhelming.

The fact that I don’t order a single book makes me feel like a terrible mother already.

Everyone casually looks at me too.

I’m the pregnant girl on campus.

Another reason why I don’t want to be here.

Yet I didn’t leave.

I had the chance.

I still have the chance.

I finally stand up.

My hot tea is only half gone but it’s lukewarm now and I don’t like the taste.

I throw the cup out and sneak out the side door of the cafe.

All I have to do is text Ward.

Tell him I need him. Tell him things aren’t going so well.

My brother has a lot of issues but I know if I call for him, he’d show up.

Same with my father too.

I just can’t do it for some reason.

I touch my stomach…

I know everything I do now goes beyond just myself.

It’s not about me anymore.

It’s about the baby.

That’s why honestly going home makes sense.

I can work. I can finish college there. I can get myself setup.

I’m not going to look for a free ride either.

I’m not going to look for a free place to stay or have someone take care of everything for me. That’s not the person I am.

But I also have to be realistic.

Right now Puckford feels like a fantasy to me.

None of it seems real.

Sure, I jumped ahead about fifty steps in life though…

Skip the line! Why wait? Don’t date. Don’t wait for something serious to happen. Don’t move in together and then talk about life. Definitely do not get proposed to in a romantic way and then spend a year planning your dream wedding. Why bother at all with that? Just do what I did! Skip the line! Get pregnant right now!

Tears suddenly fill my eyes.

I feel lost.

But I’m not alone.

I touch my stomach.

I shake my head.

I don’t want to feel lost. I don’t want to cry either.

Tears jump from my eyes.

My body forces an exhale that comes out as a helpless cry.

I try to take a step but I freeze up.

I gasp.

I suck in a breath.

A jolt of pain ripples through my body.

It’s kind of like a panic attack.

I tell myself that’s all this is.

A panic attack and nothing more.

Except my brain is telling my body to tell me that it’s something more.

A bell rings in my head. A siren. A gong.

A voice starts yelling…

Something is wrong with the baby! Oh… no…

I start to feel like I’m going to pass out.

I know if I fall I can hurt the baby.

My hands cup my stomach.

I’m screaming to myself in my head that I need to focus and I need to calm down. Right now.

I’m alone.

I’m the protector now.

I’m the guardian here.

I can’t have anything happen to me and leave my baby vulnerable.

The intense feelings don’t even try to let up for a second.

They only seem to mount on one another.

I try to take a step and I instantly know that’s not going to work at all for me.

I swear I feel someone touching my shoulders.

But I’m alone.

All alone.

Just me… and my pregnant belly… and the baby in my womb…

Willow…

Willow… I’m here…

I feel hands tighten on my shoulders.

I throw my elbows back.

Then I feel hands at my sides.

I turn my head just in time to see Knox standing there.

He looks scared out of his mind.

Which he should be.

Because the next thing I know everything spins.

And then it goes black.

I’m not sure if I’m passing out… or dying…