13. Mira

13

MIRA

I don't mean to, but a surprised laugh bursts out of me. "Sorry, I didn't realize two in the morning was blocked off for Chutes and Ladders. "

Zane smirks, but it doesn't reach his eyes. There's still a shadow in them. The same one I saw when his eyes first opened.

I thought I'd lost you.

I can't shake the feeling that he'd be better off if I had died. That he and Aiden and all of our friends would all be safer.

"Not that kind of game." He twines his fingers through mine and lays our hands across his lap. "This thing between us is… intense. But it's still new. There's a lot we don't know about each other."

"You know more about me than anyone ever has," I admit.

Something sad flickers across his face, but he shrugs it off. "The game is One Truth Per Day."

I already don't like the sound of this. "Is that trademarked?"

"Considering I made it up thirty seconds ago, let's call it ‘patent pending.' What do you say?"

I chew on my lower lip. "How long is this supposed to go on? I have more skeletons in my closet than most, but I don't have that many."

"It doesn't have to be deep, dark secrets. Just… truths. Things that are undeniably true about you or your life or your thoughts or the world in general. Whatever you want."

I quickly flick through the stack of most-recent truths in my brain.

My brother wants to kill me.

I'm putting everyone I love in danger.

If I was selfless, I'd leave and never look back.

I wince. "I don't know if I?—"

"I'll start." Zane's calloused thumb smooths a circle over the back of my hand. "Today's truth is: I miss my family."

"Your parents?"

He nods. "And a younger brother. Caleb."

"You never talk about them."

"There isn't much to say." He sighs. "There isn't much to say that isn't fucking depressing, that is. I don't like to spend much time talking about all the ways I fucked up my rather charmed life."

I want to ask a million more questions, but I don't want to pry. His truth was that he misses them. He doesn't need to say more.

But he does.

"I hurt them," he admits. "When my addiction got bad, I stole from them and lied to them. I put them all through hell. They loved me and they never knew when they were going to get the call that I was in jail or the hospital or dead. It got to be too much for them, and they cut me off."

"But you're clean now."

"I got ‘clean' a couple times before it stuck. They'd welcome me back with open arms and, by the end of the weekend, I'd slip cash out of my mom's purse and disappear for another six months."

I try to imagine that version of Zane—out of control and unreliable. But I can't picture it. He's so steady. So certain.

Zane Whitaker is the most stable thing I've ever had in my life. I can't imagine ever cutting him out of it.

"Part of my get-your-fucking-life-together process involved making amends. I wrote letters and apologized to them, but I never heard back." He lifts his shoulder in a shrug. "Maybe they got lost in the mail."

He tries to smile, but I can see how much it still hurts.

I curl against his side and rest my head on his chest. "They're missing out."

"I can understand why they did it. They had to protect themselves." He pauses. "Kind of like what I tried to do when I found out about you and your dad."

Toxic.

Abusive.

Is that what our relationship was like?

I lied to him, but it was because I wanted to keep him out of my mess.

Is that how he really feels?

"You're right," Zane continues, "that my life would be less complicated if you weren't in it. My life would be completely uncomplicated if I sat in a windowless room by myself for the rest of it. If I pushed away any person who ever tried to get close to me and spent every day alone, I'd never have another ‘complication.'" He brings our hands to his mouth and presses a kiss to the back of my hand. "I also wouldn't have you."

A relieved sob bursts out of me, and I bury it against his ribs.

"My family pushed me away because of the choices I made—but you didn't do anything to end up in an abusive home and have to fight for your life. The choices you made, Mira, were to rise above all of that bullshit and, somehow, still be the best fucking person I've ever met. You're a miracle," he whispers against the crown of my head. "And I was an idiot for ever letting you go."

New truths pile up in my mind.

I love this man.

I never want to leave him.

Zane Whitaker is the love of my life and there's no coming back.

"Zane, I…" The confession sits on the tip of my tongue, but I don't want to hold him here if it isn't what he really wants. "My truth is that I'm positive I'm going to mess this up. Whatever this is?—"

"A family. We're a family."

Tears stream down my cheeks and puddle on his bare chest. I wipe them away. "I've never had one of those."

"Yes, you have. With me and Aiden." Zane tugs on my arm until I'm sitting up. He curls a large hand around my jaw. "Aiden and I had no clue how to be a family until you came along. You were the glue that held us together before we even realized we needed it, Mira. We wouldn't have survived without you."

"You would have!" I cry out. "Look at your friends, Zane. As soon as you let them in and told them about Aiden, they jumped to help you. You've had a family for years; you just didn't realize it."

"Because I'd forgotten what it felt like to let someone get close. Until you."

First, he tore down my walls. Now, he's going straight for my mushy, exposed heart.

This isn't a fair fight.

I growl in frustration. "You keep saying that I did all of this, but I didn't. You're the one who saved me in that bathroom. You gave me a job and a place to stay. You're the one who introduced me to your friends and made me part of your life. I didn't do anything."

"You did." He takes my face in his hands. "Everything in my life was stable, which was nice for a while. Then Aiden showed up and gave me something to live for. Then you showed up and…" His blue eyes are searing as he studies my face. He traces over every line of me, a small smile pulling on his lips. "You gave me something to lose."

"Sleep?" I tease, my throat thick. "Your sanity?"

"Partnership. Excitement. Passion." He kisses each of my cheeks and my forehead as he checks off his list. Then he hovers over my mouth, his nose brushing against mine. "Love."

My heart aches and billows and expands in every direction at once. I've spent years telling myself I'd never get to have this. When Zane told me to leave, it confirmed all of my worst fears and theories about myself.

I don't know how to turn that part of me off.

I don't know how to be with him without hurting him.

"You don't need to say anything right now, Mira. The only thing I need you to do is stay." He kisses me and then makes his way along my jawline, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear. "Just stay and let me show you how good we can be."