Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Caleb

I wasn't entirely surprised by the tap on my window. Tony had texted asking if we were back home some time ago, and I'd replied that Scotty was resting while Mom was bunked down on the couch, having refused my bed.

Tony

What do you need?

Me

Sleep, probably. Already lying in bed, but my brain won't shut off. And I'd give up donuts for good for a sleepover with you.

Instead of calling me out for being sappy, Tony had replied.

Tony

That was nice. I wish I could be there for you too.

Want clogged my chest and made it hard to breathe, so I hadn't trusted myself with a reply. The soft tap on my bedroom window had come around ten minutes later, almost exactly the length of time it would take to walk from Eric's house to my place, especially if one stuck to the alleys to avoid being seen.

Lord, it had been such a long, exhausting day, and all I wanted was to collapse into Tony. Dragging him through the window and over to my bed sounded like a grand idea, but my last shred of logic reminded me to move slowly and quietly so I wouldn't wake the house. I took a moment for a steadying breath before opening the window. It wouldn't do to appear too needy for him or to reward his recklessness.

"This is maybe our most risky meeting yet," I scolded in a low whisper, trying not to beam at the welcome sight of him in a T-shirt and elastic workout shorts. "At least you can claim you were out for a run, I guess."

"I know. I know. It was stupid to come." Tony matched my whisper. "But I needed…" He paused to wrap his bare arms around himself. The days were still hot, but the nights had started cooling off again. Another reminder that autumn was on the way, and time was rapidly getting away from us. "Hell, I don't know what I needed, only that I had to see for myself how you were doing."

"I'm not the one who took an accidental helmet-to-helmet hit." I gave him a pointed look. "You've worked most of the summer with the kids. I'm surprised it's not Scotty you're checking up on."

"Scotty's not the one I…" He ended with a cough that turned into a sputter. "Anyway, you're the one who spent hours worrying in the ER waiting room. That takes a toll, needing to be strong for him and your mom."

The depths in his dark eyes said he knew something about being strong even when it was hard, even when a person didn't want to be the strong one.

"Least I could do." I scrubbed my hair as I leaned against the wall next to the open window. "Scotty asked earlier in the week about me going to the scrimmage, but I couldn't get a shift change."

"No feeling guilty." Tony used a stern tone, but it didn't work.

"But I feel guilty for everything with Scotty."

"Because you went out and lived your life like a normal teen and twentysomething while he was younger?" Tony shook his head. "I know he gives you a hard time, but do you really think Scotty or your mom would have wanted you to give up your own growing up?"

"Says the dude who gave up his teens."

"Busted." Tony pulled me down so we could rest our heads together like we always ended up doing when alone. The window in the way made it extra awkward, but I wasn't turning down the contact for anything. "Maybe we both need to work on those guilt and oldest kid complexes."

"Well, we both had missing parents. Trying to fill the gaps is hard."

"Yeah," he allowed quietly. "And it's not our fault our parents were…missing." He blinked, then scrunched his nose as if something tickled. "Wow. I'm not sure I ever internalized that before."

"It wasn't your fault," I said firmly. "It wasn't your fault your mom left or that your dad was an addict. And it wasn't my fault my dad died." I had to stop and look away, staring at the family picture across the room on my dresser. "Logically, I know I was only a kid myself, and Dad's death was a tragic accident. No one was at fault."

"But you keep feeling like you need to make up for his absence." Tony reached up, using his thumb to guide my chin, so I was forced to meet his eyes.

"Exactly." We nodded in unison as our gazes remained linked. Our matching wounded kid emotions was a bond we shared that was almost as strong as our sexual chemistry. I never felt as understood on a fundamental level as I did simply existing around Tony. "I wish you could stay tonight."

"Me too." He exhaled against my neck, bringing me down so our foreheads rested against each other again. "That one overnight spoiled us."

"I know." I groaned, glancing longingly at my bed. "Maybe we could stretch out together for a few minutes."

"Nope, bad idea."

"Not the worst one I've had," I said sullenly. And it was the truth because the worst idea I'd ever had was thinking I could keep from falling for Tony. Thinking I could keep this to a mere fling. I was such a flipping idiot. I clenched my fingers around the window frame.

"Night, Caleb." He stretched in to give me an all-too-brief kiss. "I'm here if you need to text me later to fall asleep."

"How about you text me when you're home safe?" I countered. "Can't have you sneaking around Mount Hope in the middle of the night."

"It's worth it." He gave me one last tired smile before heading into the night, leaving me with only an open window and an aching heart.

Like with Tony's nocturnal visit, I wasn't surprised to find Sean on my porch in the morning on both of our days off instead of home in bed with his boyfriend where he belonged. And from the way he kept shifting his feet and glancing around, he wasn't there to check on Scotty.

However, naturally, we both had to pretend there was no other reason Sean might be on my porch looking pained.

"Scotty's doing way better," I said in lieu of a greeting. "He's elbows deep in a dozen donuts my mom bought before she went back to Portland earlier. He's sore, but knowing him, he'll likely be at football camp later."

"Good. John and the others were worried about him last night. I heard the whole team waited at the hospital."

"They did." I conveniently kept my mouth shut about Tony having been there as well.

Sean pursed his lips like he'd rather eat a baker's dozen of raw lemons than bring up whatever he'd really come to say. He shuffled his feet from side to side.

"Thanks for coming to check on us." I gave a pointed look past him down the street. He could simply leave, spare us both the hassle.

"Look, Caleb, I'm here as a friend, not acting captain." And there was his opening play. He gestured at his street clothes like that made a difference.

"Okay." I measured out the word. I wouldn't play completely dumb, but I wasn't interested in making this easy. Sean was a good guy in a difficult situation, but dammit, so was Tony. And me, for that matter.

"There have been some…rumors the past few weeks. The gossip got particularly loud after the football fundraiser. But I know you and Tony have been spending time together on that project and you're mentoring him at work, so I chalked it up to another crush of yours."

"That's me, always with the crushes," I said blandly.

"Which is what I thought. And then I saw Tony's face when you left yesterday." He looked skyward, like seeking divine guidance on how to proceed. "I've never seen my friend care about anyone that much."

"We're friends." I shrugged like my soul wasn't dying a slow death. Our game clock had finally run down.

"I hope that's all." Sean held up a hand. "And no more talking. I honestly don't want to know if I'm right or wrong here. I'd rather not have to brief you both on the procedures for inter-crew dating. Or lecture you specifically about how you're essentially in a supervisory position over a fire academy candidate. He might be older, but you're the one with authority."

"Yep." I grimaced. "Guess I am."

"You are." He glared at me. "The optics of you two as anything other than friends wouldn't be great. And given the diversity of our crew, the wrong impression could harm more than simply you. We want incoming candidates to feel safe, not like they are signing up for a dating reality show."

"I don't want to hurt anyone." My voice came out worn and soft.

"Me either." Sean tossed up his hands again. "Tony is one of my oldest friends, and I love him like a brother." He inhaled sharply. "But I also have an entire crew to think about, not to mention the department's reputation and both of your careers."

And his own. I could have pointed that out, but I wasn't pissed. Anger would be far easier than the despair that had settled over me, making it impossible to do anything other than nod. "Yeah."

"And that's what I'm asking you to do. Think. Stop and think."

"I've been?—"

"Nuh-uh." He silenced me with a shake of his head. "Remember, I'm trying not to know a damn thing here. I'm a friend telling another friend that there are rumors with consequences. And the smoke is only getting thicker."

"I understand." I met his gaze, didn't blink or waver. In fact, I stayed standing at the door long after Sean had left. I'd carried so much anxiety around for weeks about Sean or someone else confronting us. It was almost a relief to have the worst or almost worst have happened. I still had my job. Tony had his. All that was left was for us to talk it out. And soon, no more playing ostrich from either of us.