Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Tony

Not being able to go to Caleb truly sucked. In the Rangers, I had often struggled with what to say to offer comfort in moments of loss or difficulty. I wasn't exactly known as a warm and fuzzy sergeant. But with Caleb, the urge to be there for him was as natural as breathing. Moreover, with Caleb, I wouldn't have to say anything. I instinctively knew what my guy needed—a tight hug and someone to manage all the little distracting details so he could focus on being there for Scotty and his mother.

But I couldn't offer any of that, not at work, not with Sean standing right there as Caleb exited the kitchen. Bad enough I'd tried to follow him after offering a ride. I wouldn't blame Sean if he were suspicious after that little display, so I didn't risk texting Caleb right then. Instead, I bolted down the rest of my food and headed to the next task on my list: cleaning the rig after the earlier callout for the grass fire.

I waited to reach out to Caleb until I was in the restroom, like a kid sneaking his phone at school. Even then, I kept it bland in case my text was seen by prying eyes.

Me

How goes it for Scotty? Keep us updated back here at the station. Pulling for you both.

Including Caleb in my thoughts for Scotty felt harmless enough, a friend-level text with no personal or emotional subtext. And frankly, I hated that. I wanted all the subtext. I wanted Caleb to know I cared and was here for him and that I'd drop everything…

But I couldn't type any of that. Couldn't risk Caleb's job. If the hammer came down on me, so be it, but if I got Caleb in trouble, I'd never forgive myself. Consequently, I second-guessed myself until my shift finally ended that evening.

My steps were wooden and slow as I headed to my car. The smart thing would be to go to Eric's, help Jonas with dinner prep for the teens, and wait to see if Caleb ever texted me back. Our down-low arrangement had been perilously close to discovery for weeks, and we had to stop playing fast and loose like earlier with the kiss while we were technically both on duty. But God, how I wanted to be there for Caleb. I paused as I reached my car and glanced down the road toward the hospital. My whole body felt pulled toward Caleb, a physical need.

"You going over to the hospital?" Eric jogged up alongside me. He was in street clothes with wet hair and had to be coming off a shift himself. I was dying to know if he'd been on the call for Scotty, but I couldn't risk the question.

"Uh…" I tried to school my expression, but my inarticulate sound surely didn't help my effort to not give too much away.

"John and most of the team went to the hospital after practice let out. I'm sure Cosmo is with them there waiting for news." Eric's tone was a bit impatient, like I should have known all this already. "I'm heading to the hospital to check on John. Come on, ride with me. You can be support for…Cosmo."

Eric's audible pause before naming Cosmo was damming, another sign Caleb and I had overplayed our secret relationship.

"Yep, Cosmo might need me." I nodded like a puppet on a stick, and it was a testament to our long friendship that Eric didn't roll his eyes at me. He just unlocked his SUV and gestured for me to get in.

And so, I found myself in the visitor's waiting area outside the emergency department, near the information desk, though there wasn't much information forthcoming. Caleb's mom was in with Scotty, who was only allowed one visitor at the moment, while Caleb sat in the corner of the waiting room, surrounded by spookily quiet football players. The players were all on their phones or staring at the TV, which was tuned to a sports news channel.

"Wow. Sean's kid made the news again. Declan's in the running for that new motocross series championship." Eric nodded toward the TV as we both stood awkwardly near the edge of the room. "And look, there's a seat near Caleb." Eric gestured at the corner. "Go take it."

Following orders was much easier than deciding on my own what might be appropriate.

"Hey," I said softly to Caleb as I took the open chair. "Any news?"

"He's conscious. Mom's back there with him now, but he was complaining up a storm when I was with him. They're doing several tests to rule out the big bads like concussion or spinal damage because he had some confusion and numbness immediately after the hit."

"Conscious is good," I murmured. God, I wanted to touch Caleb, help to replace his wooden tone with something sunnier.

"Surprised you came." Caleb kept his voice at a bare whisper.

"Couldn't stay away." I was nothing if not dead honest.

"Tony." Caleb exhaled hard, drawing my name out like a curse.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have come?—"

"Of course you should have." His whisper had a harsh edge. "That's the whole point." Caleb sounded utterly miserable, and I understood fully for the first time what I was asking of him with this secret fling. He deserved so much more, a love out in the open and a partner who could hold his hand in moments like these.

"I wish…" I trailed off because my wishes didn't matter. In addition to the professional risks, I wasn't convinced I could be that guy for Caleb, not long-term like he deserved. I might have the impulse for the first time in my life, but what did I truly know about comfort?

"Me too." Caleb echoed my mournful tone, looking past me as his mother, whom I'd met briefly at the fundraiser, emerged from the big double doors leading back to the emergency department exam rooms. He stood as she approached the waiting area. "Any news?"

"Yes." Caleb's mother rubbed her red and weary eyes. "Finally. Scotty is back from the last of the imaging tests. All clear. The doctor is calling it a stinger. Those can look serious at first and be plenty painful in the moment, but there's no structural damage."

"Thank goodness." Caleb hugged her tightly, and I had to swallow a bunch of times to maintain my composure in the face of overwhelming relief. Over the summer, I'd come to care about all the football kids, Scotty included, which added another level of emotion to the situation.

"Do you want to go back and wait with him for the discharge papers? I'm in desperate need of coffee despite the hour."

I opened my mouth to offer to fetch her some, but Caleb shook his head, another subtle signal that I couldn't overstep the imaginary boundaries we'd set around our friendship.

"Sounds good, Mom. Let me grab my phone." Caleb returned to the chair where he'd been sitting, patting all around it and the side table before discovering the phone in his pocket. "Oops. Here it is," he announced loudly before lowering his voice so only I could hear. "She'll stay with us tonight, likely, but I'll text you."

I nodded, knowing full well it wasn't enough, wouldn't ever be enough.