Chapter 35

35

Joey

Talking to Nick is hard. I have to be strong here, take on everyone’s shit, and never break. There’s no space for it.

But I’m exhausted by it.

Nick lets me fall apart, lets me need him, encourages it even. The shell of who I am in this house doesn’t fit anymore. It’s too small, too tight, suffocating. I don’t want to wear it anymore, but I don’t know who I am here without it. I’ve worn this costume for so long, how do I change it? Sometimes it feels like it’s become attached to me, like a growth, maybe tattooed into my skin, so I can’t escape it. At school, with the team, the mask is similar, familiar. Until I’m alone with Nick. He sees past the front to the core of who I am and reaches out for the broken kid who never got a chance to grieve. The broken kid who’s afraid of a hand up, afraid of comfort, but craves it just the same. I crave it. Crave him. Crave who I’m allowed to be when I’m with him.

My phone goes off with a text notification from Brendon Oiler.

OILER:

Theoretically, if rotting chicken was found in someone’s dorm, and if the person who put it there was proven, would it get that person kicked off the team?

What the actual fuck.

CARPPY:

I swear to God, if you put raw chicken in someone’s dorm, I’m not saving you from Coach.

OILER:

What???

I would never.

I can’t believe you would think that of me.

CARPPY:

Where is Paul? Do I have to call Preston or is it his room you want to fuck with?

I love this guy but he’s a mess.

OILER:

I mean, I’ve thought about messing with P Man BUT he’s scary.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, I sigh and shake my head. While the season is over, some of the guys still come to me when they have issues. I was the captain this year and I’ve been here for four years, the guys know me, respect me, and trust me. Usually.

The oven starts beeping so I put my phone away and hope against hope that Brendon doesn’t put chicken in someone’s dorm room. I should probably text Paul…

“Damn, that smells amazing!” Charlotte comes in, sniffing the air. “Do I smell garlic bread too?”

I set the lasagna on the stove to cool, the cheese melted and bubbling, while I cook the bread.

“Of course.”

Charlotte sets the table without having to be asked. It was always one of her tasks. I cooked, she set the table, and Matt was supposed to do dishes but more times than not, I did them. He couldn’t be bothered to help. Hell, most of the time he would eat in his room anyway.

Matt hobbles his way to a chair and plops down in it. “Where’s the boy toy? He still in nursing school?” The sarcastic tone grates on my nerves and I’ve had it with his shit.

“At least he’s doing something with his life,” she snaps. “You know, other than being a burden on everyone around him.”

“He’s a fucking lame ass,” Matt scoffs.

“Shut up, Mathew.” My tone is hard but not full of emotion. It’s cold.

“Why? What do you care? You’re just gonna leave in a few days anyway, right? Stop pretending to care about any of us.”

“What the hell, Matt?” Charlotte crosses her arms on the other side of the table. “You and Mom seem to be the only ones who don’t see how much Joey does for this family. Do you really think he would be here, taking care of you during spring break, if he didn’t care?”

Matt shoves the chair back and awkwardly gets to his feet. “Sorry I’m such a burden.”

“You are a fucking burden! To literally everyone around you! How do you not see that?” Charlotte isn’t holding back anymore and a part of me is struggling to let her go after him like this. Mom has always protected him and blamed anything he did wrong on me. He was the baby, he didn’t know any better, he’s just a kid.

I interrupt the two of them, talking over both as they yell at each other. “You know what, I’m done.”

Heading upstairs, I grab all my stuff and shove it back into my bag, then stomp my way down the stairs. “Char, can I stay with you tonight? I’ll get a bus back to school tomorrow.”

She’s looking at me in shock, but snaps out of it when I head to the front of the house. The front door opens and Mom stops in the doorway, eyeing my bag.

“Where do you think you’re going?” She looks behind me, seeing Matt standing with his crutches at the table and Charlotte with her stuff behind me. “You’re not done here, Matt’s not ready to be left alone all day.”

Steeling my spine, I square my shoulders and tell my mother what I should have years ago. “I am not my father and I am done raising your children.”

I clench my jaw, forcing myself to hold back the tears that are threatening to choke me. How many times have I told Charlotte to ignore Mom’s calls? To leave town? Time to put my money where my mouth is and take my own advice.

“How dare you talk to me that way!” Mom’s face flushes with anger as she comes toward me. “You are an ungrateful, spoiled brat who never learned to put others above yourself! You didn’t raise my kids, I did! Alone! With no help!”

“Bullshit. I’ve bent over backward for this family, raising my siblings while you worked to pay off medical bills. Me. Not you. Char has always understood that. You were the unreliable one and Matt decided I was the one to punish for all of it. I was the only one who didn’t get to grieve the death of my father. I promised him I would step up, be the man of the house, watch over Matt and Char. I did all of that while you worked. You were never there. I will not allow you to take any more of my life.”

She rears back and slaps me across the cheek. The sting is immediate, quickly followed by heat, and I’m left staring at the wall instead of my mother. Charlotte gasps behind me then moves around me to start screaming at her.

Slowly, I turn my head to look at her but I don’t say a word, just let her stand there with what she’s done hanging between us like a suffocating cloud.

Determination has me pushing past her and walking away. Away from my childhood. Away from the woman who took advantage of me for years. Away from the anchor of my past that kept me chained in the dark.

It’s time for the light. For the future. For Nick.

The ride to Charlotte’s is quiet. Both of us are in our own heads, processing what happened. When she parks in the driveway and turns off the car, we just sit there.

“The guest room is kind of a mess but the sheets are clean.” Her voice is quiet.

“Thank you.”

She nods and we get out, I grab my bag and follow her inside the little yellow bungalow with white porch railings. It’s so perfectly her that it almost makes me smile. Maybe tomorrow I can smile again, but not tonight.

Tonight, I mourn the burial of my old life.

Without a word, I head to the room she indicated and close the door. There’s boxes, college text books, and a sewing machine kind of thrown around in here but the bed is clear and I can get to it. That’s all that matters.

Dropping my bag, I toe off my shoes and text Nick.

JOEY:

Are you busy?

NICK:

Never too busy for you.

JOEY:

Can I call?

My phone buzzes with an incoming video call. When the video starts, it’s Nick’s concerned face and a little boy snuggling into his chest. It’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen and I burst into tears.

Covering my eyes with my free hand, I let the sobs take me, the tears race down my cheeks, and I purge the built-up emotions. Nick doesn’t say anything, he’s just there. I don’t know how long it takes but by the time the tears slow and I can breathe again, my throat is sore, my mouth is dry, and my eyes ache.

“There you are.” Nick’s voice is soft and reassuring when I glance at the screen, but I can’t hold his gaze, not yet.

“Sad,” a little voice says and I look at the phone to see the little boy in his lap pointing at the phone.

“Yeah, he is sad. It’s okay to be sad sometimes.” Nick rubs the little boy’s back in a comforting rhythm.

“I left my mom’s house, left Matt.” The words sound like I’ve been gurgling gravel but Nick understands them.

“What happened?”

There’s a giggle in the background from another little kid and the sound lifts the corners of my lips.

“I was making dinner, Matt started running his mouth. Char and Matt got into it and I don’t know. I snapped, I guess, and decided I was done. Mom came in as I was leaving. I told her I was done raising her kids, she slapped me, and I left.”

“What?! She hit you?” Nick’s anger is like a physical touch. It flares in his eyes and tightens his body. The little boy in his lap flinches and Nick takes a minute to force himself to relax his body. “You’re okay, buddy, you’re safe.”

“You mad?” he asks quietly, looking like he’s expecting to be screamed at. The very idea makes me want to pummel whoever put that look on his face.

“I am mad, but not at you.” Nick rubs his back again. When he settles again, Nick turns back to me. Seeing him take care of this little boy that he’s never met is…everything. Nick was made to be a dad.

“You should have kids.” The words blurt out of my mouth before I’ve thought about it. “You’re amazing with him.”

Nick smiles and hugs the little man. “It’s definitely not outside the realm of possibility.” He looks at me, dragging his eyes over every inch of my face. “Is there anything I can do? Are you okay?”

I shrug and sigh, lying back on the bed and holding the phone above me. “I’m going back to school tomorrow. I have to find a bus ticket.” I’m exhausted and just want to sleep for a week.

“Where are you right now?”

“Charlotte’s house.”

“Good.”