Chapter 16

16

Joey

What just happened?

Nick’s tears dampen my shirt but he’s walking away. What was that? Why did he come to me? I want to go after him, make sure he’s okay, but does he want that?

I don’t know what to do but I want him back in my arms. It felt so good to have him against me. In my space. Breathing my air. Sharing a heartbeat.

He’s the only person since my dad died that has let me break, let me be weak. The only person to see that I needed it.

Instinctually, he took care of me, giving me the space, the safety, to take up room with my emotions, my needs.

But who looks after Nick?

Who does he go to when he needs to feel?

“What’s up with Nick?” Bryce asks while he spreads out on his bed with homework.

“I don’t know, he was here when I got back from practice.” I don’t want to turn away from the door, like if I move the feeling of him clinging to me will disappear too.

My heart aches for him. I want him to come back, to tell me to lie down, and wrap himself around me again. To need me.

“I haven’t seen him around in a while. You guys get into a fight or something?”

I shake my head, remembering the last time he touched me. The pain in his gaze when I told him we were done.

“You know how it is during the season.” I rub at my breastbone, at the pressure lingering there.

Seeing him snap like that, yelling and hitting the door, it was so out of character for him.

My phone chimes in my pocket and I sigh. Probably Char.

Turning away from the door and what I can’t have, I check my phone and see a message from Mom.

MOM:

Matt is drunk at work. I have to leave work to go get him and take him home.

Guilt eats at me. Somehow, it’s my fault. Matt’s drinking problem is my fault. The way he can’t keep a job is my fault. If only I raised him better, put more time, energy, and effort into him after Dad died, he would be better. Char is a responsible adult, so how did I fuck up with Matt?

Bryce grabs my shoulder and I jump since I didn’t hear him move.

“Breathe, man, you’re okay.”

Looking up at my teammate—my roommate—through watery eyes, I realize maybe I do have a friend. If he wasn’t my friend, he wouldn’t care, right?

I nod, unable to speak around the knot blocking my throat.

“You want to talk about it?”

Sucking in a deep breath, I toss my phone on my bed and pop my knuckles.

“No. Thanks, though.” I crack my neck. “Family shit will wait until after the game tomorrow.”

“Do you need to work it out? Like, go for a run or go skate until you puke?”

I laugh and shake my head. “No, I have homework to do and just want to crash.”

Once I’m settled on my bed with my homework spread out around me, all I want to do is go to sleep.

No, I want to go find Nick, make sure he’s okay, and fall asleep with him. I haven’t slept for shit since being kicked back to my own room. Since I’ve had to put the weight of everyone’s world back on my shoulders.

The team depends on me to lead and keep my cool. I’ve been failing on both points lately. I don’t have words of wisdom or helpful insight. The guys must have noticed since they aren’t coming to me, and I’m not sure if I appreciate the break or hate that they don’t feel comfortable talking to me. Matt has fallen off the wagon and is going to hurt someone. Mom is constantly telling me how I’m ruining everyone’s life by trying to have one of my own.

Yet Nick came to me today because he needed a fucking hug.

I need to check on him.

Leaving all my shit on my bed, I leave the room and jog down the stairs toward the third floor. As badly as I want to just barge in, I knock. Neal is back and I don’t know if Nick actually wants to see me.

“Yeah,” comes from inside, and I square my shoulders before entering.

Nick isn’t there.

The room smells like him but only Neal is here.

“Never mind.” I step back out and close the door without another word.

Bryce lifts an eyebrow when I get back to our room, but I don’t respond to it, just shove everything off my bed and climb in with my phone.

I open up the thread of messages I have from Nick that I’ve ignored.

Asking if I’m okay, if I want to hang out, if we can still be friends.

My heart breaks. I want him so much more than this. More than friends and text messages, but I can’t bring him into my bullshit. Too many people rely on me, demand my focus, that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m a shell of a person. Aren’t you supposed to find who you are and who you want to be while in college?