Chapter 15

15

Nick

Ihate how this feels.

This bone-deep ache to touch, to hold, hell, even just to talk to him. I would accept a fucking text message at this point. It’s been weeks of this—of nothing.

Picking up my phone, I flip it over and over in my hands, just for something to do.

My phone rings and looking at the screen, I sigh but answer the video call.

“What’s up?”

“Why are you moping?” Brent asks. “Get your ass out of your room and go do something.”

I glare at my best friend. “Fuck off, I’m not moping.”

He scoffs. “Really? So you aren’t sitting in your room, pining after a guy you can’t have, and not doing anything fun?”

“Fuck off.” That’s exactly what I’m doing and it fucking sucks. Seeing Joey in the elevator, seeing him smile, made the ache in my chest worse. Why can’t we just be friends? Would it hurt to see him with someone else? Definitely, but at least I would get something, right?

“Earth to dumbass,” Brent says, snapping his fingers in front of the camera.

“Jesus, dude, what?” I look back at the phone and the teasing look on Brent’s face falls.

“Seriously, are you all right? You aren’t acting like yourself.”

I sigh and drop my head back on my shoulders. “I don’t know. Something about this guy has me fucked up.” I let my shoulders sag and the sadness I’ve been carrying around show. “But he walked away, told me he doesn’t have time or whatever, so there’s nothing I can do about it.”

My chest aches and I rub at it even though I know it won’t help. Part of me wants to know that Joey is mine. I want to claim him, tell everyone to keep their damn hands off, but the other part of me wants to be his comfort. He puts so much pressure on himself that he doesn’t need, taking responsibility for other people, and I want to be the one he leans on when that burden is too heavy.

I just want to hold him.

My throat tightens with the urge to cry.

Why am I so fucked up over this guy? Usually, my little obsessions burn out in a week or so and it’s on to the next thing, but Joey dug his hooks into me and won’t let go.

Except he did. He cut the lines holding me to him but left the hooks he implanted in my heart so I’m adrift without him.

“You’re really hung up over this guy,” Brent says more to himself than to me. “It’s been a lon⁠—”

“Don’t.” I can’t hear her name whispered in my head. I can’t be thrown down that memory lane because there’s no one here to pull me back. I’m already spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop. “I know, okay?”

It’s quiet so long I finally look up to check my screen and see if the call dropped, but Brent’s knowing green eyes are watching me. Is that why I’m so obsessed with Joey? Because he reminds me somehow of the girl I tried to save but was ripped away from me instead?

“I wish there was something I could do from here.”

I nod and force myself to swallow past the lump in my throat. I need a fucking hug. One of the best parts of sharing a room with Brent during my teenage years was having someone there who knew me and wasn’t all about toxic masculinity. Sometimes, guys need hugs too. On the bad nights, we would share a bed just so we didn’t feel so fucking alone.

When the nightmares would haunt one of us or my parents would miss something important to me because a foster kid needed something, we had each other. It feels so petty, so childish, but I needed my parents too, and they weren’t there. Not for me. Not when I wanted them.

“Do you have any close friends you can hang out with? Anyone who knows you?” I know what he’s hinting at. Is there anyone here I can be weak in front of. The answer is no. Not really. If Joey won’t even open a text message, I doubt he’d cuddle me.

But it’s been too long since someone touched me.

Fuck it.

“I gotta go, B.” I hang up and head upstairs to the fifth floor and hope he doesn’t turn me away.

With a shaking hand, I knock on the door, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks, and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Nothing.

Fuck!

He’s not even here.

The urge to break down and sob is damn near overwhelming.

Losing my cool for a second, I slam my palm against the door and let out a yell until my lungs are heaving.

I swipe at my face quickly and turn to leave, to run back to the stairwell and break down, but run face first into him.

“Whoa there,” he says, grabbing my shoulders. He takes one look at me and hauls me against him. Joey wraps his arms around me and I sink into him. He smells like soap and Tide and mine. I shove my face into his neck and drink him in, needing this so much more than I thought I did.

“Hey, you’re okay.” His arms tighten around me when I grip his shirt in my fists. “Let’s go inside, come on.”

Keeping one arm around me, he backs me into his room and closes the door.

“What’s wrong?” This is Captain Carpenter, not my Joey, but that’s okay. Right now, I need him to be strong for me.

I shake my head and let the tears fall. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this out of control, this needy.

“I’m sorry,” I cry into Joey’s neck. “I just need a minute.”

His arms tighten around me again, holding the broken pieces of me together while I fall apart. It’s been so long since I gave myself permission and even longer since I let someone hold me while it happened. Not since I left home to come here for school.

I tremble against him, against his strength.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Joey says into my hair. “Do you want to talk about it?” He cups the back of my head and kisses my temple, which only makes more tears fall. Why can’t he be my person?

“I don’t have the time or energy for a relationship.”

Joey’s words flitter through my mind and I take a deep breath. I shouldn’t have come here. Shouldn’t have come looking for him. But fuck, I just needed a goddamn hug.

Forcing myself to get control, I release him and step back but don’t meet his eyes. “Thanks and sorry. I just needed a minute.”

I turn to leave and the door opens, Bryce stops in the doorway and looks between the two of us.

“Hey, Nick, haven’t seen you in a while.” He closes the door and slaps me on the shoulder as he moves past me. I miss the comradery of teammates. I should text some of mine and see if anyone wants to do something. Go play pool or get a beer or go to a movie. Something to get me out of my dorm.

“Good to see you, man. Later.” I give Bryce a head nod and leave, needing to get away from the room that smells like the one person I can’t have.

Joey calls my name and it’s a knife in my heart, but I keep walking. I shouldn’t have come to him anyway. Finding comfort in him is only going to keep my obsession with him going longer. I have to find a way to get past it.

Even if it kills me.