9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Kelsey

I tried to keep my mom's secret contained. It lasted less than two weeks. My lies ended up entangling themselves into a knot because I had told Ana that first day that Caleb was Juliette's boyfriend. If he had shown up alone, I could have said he was Mom's boyfriend. By the third day Caleb was seen with me, it became obvious to Ana that he wasn't Miss Juliette's anything.

Unfortunately, he belonged to me somehow. She figured it out, but it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part.

I walked home rather than call Caleb to pick me up. Told my friends I wanted fresh air (completely at odds with my preference for the great indoors). One day, I strategically missed my after-school tutoring so that I could catch the bus because walking home after tutoring would have taken too long, and I'd be late for ballet; and I couldn't take the late bus because it also left too late for me to make it to class. I wound ridiculous stories to avoid eating lunch with people and it was working for the most part. I mean, who could complain about spending lunch at extra-help with Mrs. Beadleman? Not I, apparently, because I was "failing chem," with a ninety-three average.

Ah yes, atomic structure became my new obsession and like electrons being repelled yet bound to protons, so Caleb was to me. I repelled him, and he kept showing up. Orbiting me.

My biggest obstacle was pickup after ballet. Ana's mom was super nice, but she couldn't always carpool anymore because of the baby. We lived on opposite sides of town, so Ana caught a ride from another student in class who lived on the same block sometimes .

Miss Juliette had driven me home a lot over the years after awkward half hours where I helped her clean up while I waited for Mom... because Mom would forget. When I asked her to drive me home, she frowned and dropped her voice so no one would hear us.

"I'm sorry. You know I would, but Caleb has your schedule and he's set on picking you up."

"You always drove me home."

"I tried to explain that to him." Miss Juliette looked over my shoulder, down the hallway where my classmates were drinking water and chattering during our five-minute break. "How's it been so far?"

"Fine. I just lock myself in my room and pretend he's not there."

I expected Miss Juliette to at least smirk.

There was a strange, palpable vibe coming from Miss Juliette. It was something in the way her eyes and her lips were giving off different signals, like she was faking it. Like she was hiding something, perhaps how she really felt—maybe how she didn't feel. Something ominous, loud, and painful dropped into the pit of my stomach. Uncertainty tore at my insides.

"What about eating dinner together?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I don't want to."

Her lips rolled inwards to a thin line. "I shouldn't say this," she whispered, "You know I want to take you in. I'd do anything. But Caleb overrules me. I can't interfere unless he lets me. You have to try and…"

She never finished her thought. I heard enough. I understood. "Okay. Yes, Miss Juliette." I whispered, that painful pang in my stomach traveling upwards and gripped my throat.

"Kelsey," she pleaded to my back as I pushed past her to head for the bathroom.

"I have to pee before class." I burst through the door to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I needed a minute. One minute to feel this.

I shook my head, biting my lip so hard I could have broken skin and bled.

A deep breath. I held it until it burned my lungs. Held it a second longer until it felt like I was drowning. My mouth in a tiny o , I breathed out steadily, like I was blowing bubbles and took in a slow, shaky breath.

Looking down at the stains on my pointe shoe covers, I avoided my own gaze in the mirror and washed my hands.

What was I even angry about? It wasn't Miss Juliette's fault. It was Caleb's. It was Mom's.

It was mine.

God, the fury blazed so violently I couldn't think clearly. My insides were a poorly contained natural disaster, the flames licking menacingly at the underside of my skin. The blood-side.

Blood like battery acid. Some unknown compound. A product of a woman who didn't love me.

Fuck.

I blew invisible bubbles again and forced myself to meet my own eyes.

Pull yourself together.

Fixating on my hair, I tidied my appearance and stamped down the flames. My minute was up. Show time.

I spoke to no one the rest of that night. If I dared, I might burst. Instead, I pushed myself so hard in class that my toes and the little muscles between each bone throbbed in protest. It was so easy to find a dreamless sleep after that class that I vowed to work twice as hard the next day.

After the fifth time Caleb dropped me off, the rumors started. I had to admit to Ana that it wasn't Miss Juliette's boyfriend and the knot of lies quickly unraveled from there.

The look of horror on her face was indescribable.

Ana had a perfect family of two loving parents and three siblings. Sometimes, in the past, I found my anger directed at her in the form of envy. The look on her face changed to pity in an instant and a wave of disgust rolled over my tongue, more foul than rotted fruit.

"Please, don't tell anyone," I whispered as we tied our pointe shoes in the dressing room.

Ana blinked back at me, mouth agape.

"Ana, I'm begging you."

"Can Erin even do that?"

"It doesn't matter, she did. She's been gone since New Year's Miss Juliette tried to fight it, but we lost."

"That can't be legal. Ew, oh my God, I called him hot the other day. Kelsey what the fuck!"

"It's fine. Shhh!" I hissed through gritted teeth. She was the world's worst whisperer.

"It's not fine! You should have told me," she said, teetering on the edge of hysterical.

"I didn't know how. Ana," I begged one more time, "I don't want anyone to know. He's a friend staying with my mom. That's all."

Her crystalline eyes softened. "People are gonna notice your mom is missing."

"She's not missing. She left."

Things got weird between Ana and me after that. We knew everything about each other. Every last intimate detail down to the length and severity of our menstrual flows. I was going to have to cry to her at some point. That would ease the tension, and then she'd let me act normal. She didn't understand why I never cried when bad things happened. She couldn't understand that, for me, crying was a pointless act I only gave in to under the protection of a heavy blanket and the promise of sleep afterwards. Ana's mom was one of those really caring ones, who still held Ana if she cried after failing a test or having a bad performance.

My mom. Well…

At this point, I was revolted by the mere thought of someone holding me while I cried.

The image and feel of Miss Juliette's arms around me made my insides recoil in shame whenever I remembered it. Especially now that I felt this wall between us.

I was right that tearless sobs in Ana's bedroom after a Saturday rehearsal would ease the tension between us. I told her everything and cried. Then followed the hours long deep dive into my fucked-up life with a stern, "It's fine. It'll be alright. I'm being dramatic."

"I'm here for you," she held me tightly in her arms.

"I know." I held her less firmly.

"Maybe my parents can take you in. We should ask. My dad's best friend is a lawyer. There's got to be a way."

I wasn't foolish enough to encourage any sparks of hope. We could try, but given what happened with Miss Juliette, I was rightfully pessimistic.

Desperation is a funny thing, though.