28. Chapter 28

Chapter twenty-eight

Caleb

When Kelsey and I got back from house hunting, Juliette was her usual self. Stoic, calm, level-headed. She sat next to Kelsey and they dissected every last detail about the two homes Kelsey and I went to earlier.

I noted all the little things Juliette had given Kelsey. The way their posture was absolutely abysmal when they sat, and perfect when they stood and walked. The graceful undertone of their speech patterns. Kelsey was smart, and Juliette was so obviously intelligent I wanted to pick her brain apart once Kelsey went up to bed. I soaked up the way Kelsey loved her.

I was jealous of that bond. Not in a negative way anymore, but in the way that I longed for Kelsey to look up to me like that. To see the good in me as easily as she saw Juliette.

It was funny how Juliette slipped into Kelsey's generation's slang and rhythmic speech patterns when telling a story. Or ripping apart the gaudy Italian décor of one of the homes we saw earlier.

"Mmm, Tuscan-core," Kelsey said.

"Tell me you're in the mob without telling me you're in the mob," Juliette replied as they both dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"We can always fix it," I chimed in.

Juliette raised a brow at me. "You are not spending two million dollars on a fixer upper."

"I can do whatever I want."

"Let's pan over to Kelsey for her opinion." Juliette held up a fake microphone. They did this a lot to each other, which I found incredibly amusing .

"I just want a nice pool, room to dance, and a walk-in closet," Kelsey spoke into the mic.

"Anything else?"

Kelsey paused, considering the question. "You can't have everything in life, but at least my new dad is loaded." She chuckled sardonically and that cloak of darkness returned. "Sorry," she said, looking down at her plate.

That painful silence that lurked in the shadows of our relationship stepped into the light. Juliette and I exchanged a look. I opened my mouth to make a joke about the money, but Juliette cut me off instead. "It's okay to talk about how you're feeling. And sometimes dark humor is a way to cope."

"That's what Dr. Liu says," I added.

Juliette reached for Kelsey's hand and unlike so many times before, Kelsey took it and squeezed back. Kelsey sniffled and my heart sank to the bottom of the ocean. She stood abruptly and darted for the stairs.

"Kelsey," I called after her.

"Give her some space," Juliette said, trailing behind her.

"Wait, I should go."

Kelsey's door clicked shut as my foot hit the first stair.

Juliette's hand on my shoulder turned me around to face a woman seething with anger. Confused by the look on her face, I brushed her hand away. She hissed, "She doesn't want to talk to you right now. You can't buy her happiness."

My jaw dropped and I felt so protective over Kelsey I couldn't think clearly. I stopped Juliette from pushing past me. "I'm doing the best I can," I said. "We need to buy a house. I can't live on the couch forever."

Juliette persisted. "She's too upset. Let me go talk to her. I'll find out why she's crying."

"I know why she's crying. I'm fucking stupid but I'm not that dumb!"

The words struck the indignant scowl from Juliette's face. I didn't back down, even though my insides recoiled at having snapped at her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fight with you. I crossed a line. I'm upset. I—"

"Really? Because you sure know how to throw a fucking punch when you need to." I spoke slowly, and clearly, pausing between words to let them sink in. "I am doing my best. I am learning how to be her father the same way Kelsey is learning to be my daughter."

"I'm sorry. I took it out on you. I—"

I turned my back on her. "I'm going to go see if she wants to talk. To me. The person who she's obviously upset with."

"I don't think she's ready to—"

I cut Juliette off one last time, "Then she will have to tell me herself."

I rapped lightly on Kelsey's door, "Can I come in? I want to apologize."

"I don't want to talk to anyone." Kelsey was crying. I could hear her little gasps for air.

The noise from whatever she was watching on her cell quieted. I waited in the silence for a beat before talking through the door. "I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pressuring you to pick a house too quickly. I don't want you to feel like that. We have tons of time."

I touched the doorknob and pulled my hand away when I was met with silence.

"I'm sorry that…" I paused. What was I sorry for? A lot of things. Now was a good time as ever to dump my every thought between us. "I'm sorry that Erin did this to you. I promise I will never, ever, leave you. I know you can't feel that right now. I know that what you're going through is impossible for me to understand. And I know I'm the last person you want to talk to about it. So, I won't pressure you. I don't want to pressure you to do anything—well, except the good stuff, like following your dreams and doing what makes you happy—as long as that's not murder, or anything illegal." The door to her room opened with a whoosh. "I have fun looking at houses with you. Even when it's awkward."

Eyes so much like mine, grooves stitched between her eyebrows, met mine with a worried rush of an apology. "I'm sorry I made that joke. I didn't say it to hurt you."

"I'm not mad at you," I said, weighing whether I should say more. "Even if I was, you're not getting rid of me so easily."

We stood there, five feet apart, looking down at the knots in the hardwood floor.

"Is dinner ready?" Kelsey asked.

"Not yet."

"I'll be down for dinner."

"Okay. That's good. I mean, it's not good that this is all fucked up. But I'll be there when you come down. That's what's good." A regular old Shakespeare, I was. My way with words unmatched by any other man living or deceased. "Us, having a rough patch and then coming back together. Dr. Liu is going to be so proud."

Kelsey looked up to heaven as if asking for help from the gods. "So proud."

"Can't wait for Tuesday." I kept my tone flat.

"I bet she gives us a gold star."

"I bet Juliette puts it on the fridge."

"Yeah."

Kelsey's hands disappeared into her sleeves and she glanced at her bed. I took the hint and closed the door behind me as I left. Juliette was perched at the bottom of the stairs, listening in. She wiped her cheeks as I approached. I was too angry at her to feel bad. We sat on the couch as far away from one another as possible, just stewing in the words unspoken. The pot roast in the oven became fragrant before I could look at her.

As a man who hated silence more than anything, I was the first to speak. "I know money can't buy love. If it did, we wouldn't be here right now."

"I'm sorry I said those things. I didn't mean them. I saw Kelsey get upset and I lashed out." Juliette burst, her words racing out of her like a pressure release valve.

"I didn't grow up with money, you know. Solid working middle class."

She nodded.

"I'm not mad at you."

"You seem angry."

"Okay, fine. Yes, I'm pissed. "

She flinched. "I was out of line."

"You think?"

Juliette pulled her knees into her chest, hugging them against my harsh tone.

"We're all in this together. She's never going to see me as her father if you don't see me as her father."

"That's not fair. I see you as her father!"

"Do you?" I glared at her, eyebrow practically touching the ceiling. "Because every chance you get you judge me and rush to pick up her pieces. I have to pick some of those up for her, too. Especially if they're partially my mess."

Juliette picked at a thread in her sweater. "She feels more comfortable talking to me."

"True. However, she and I have to have the uncomfortable conversations together. I'm not saying without you there, because you've been amazing at being the batteries to this whole operation, but you didn't want me to go up there and talk to her at all. That's a problem."

"Do you feel like I'm overstepping?"

"No. I think it's time for this to be a team effort. She and I have a relationship of some sort now, so it doesn't have to be you and her versus me so much."

Juliette's voice cracked. "I'm sorry! I want to just squeeze her until she doesn't hurt anymore."

I cut her off, "Join the club."

Juliette's gaze hit the floor and we sat in the soreness until it was so uncomfortable that I had to get up and check on dinner. I began setting the table, tried to ignore Juliette's presence beside me as she set down the glasses. Busying myself with the salad, I turned my back on her. But it hurt. The silence had never hurt like this.

"Now what?" her voice was just above a whisper as she wiped down a counter that wasn't dirty.

"We wait," I replied.

Juliette was still fighting back tears, and losing.

"Come here, I'm sorry." I held out my hand .

Juliette rushed towards me and took my hand in hers. I pulled her in, and she curled up into my embrace. "She still cries almost every night," Juliette whispered into my chest. "I can hear her through the wall when she thinks I'm asleep."

The knowledge felt like pressing into a nasty bruise.

Juliette continued, "I meant what I said last night. When Kelsey comes to terms with it, you're going to be a great father."

"I need that encouragement. Things are looking pretty grim right about now."

"This has nothing to do with you. She's still working out what Erin did to her." Juliette shook her head and squeezed my hand.

To all of us , I wanted to add. But, that would make it seem like it was a negative thing when, for me, I wouldn't trade this—no matter how hard it was—for my other life. Even though I knew, perhaps, Kelsey and Juliette would if given the chance.

I didn't want to feel those feelings though, so I put them in a box labeled do not touch and shoved it in the back of my mind.

"Hopefully progress is made in the moments we feel the worst," I mumbled.

"Good to know Dr. Liu is still imparting the exact same wisdom." Juliette scoffed. "I used to hate when she said that to me."

"That's because you're a know-it-all."

"Maybe."

"And you don't like it when you don't know it all."

She glared up at me. "You're pushing it."

Juliette and I ate alone together and returned to the couch to wait for Kelsey.

Kelsey

My mom could just go ahead and fuck herself.

Fuck her for selling drugs and running off to Brazil to evade the law.

Fuck her for never telling me about my real dad.

Fuck her for forging a whole birth certificate with no father listed that I used for fifteen years.

Fuck her for being a selfish, self-serving, narcissistic bitch.

Fuck her for ruining a really good day.

Fuck her for making me soak through my pillow yet again. I would bet all the money I had that she was not crying. She probably felt like a martyr. Poor Little Erin who had to leave her precious little girl.

I wanted to call Dr. Liu. I weighed the phone in my hands until the urge was too great, and I dialed her emergency number.

"Hello? This is Dr. Liu."

"It's Kelsey."

"Kelsey, let me just go into the other room so we can speak privately." Her voice changed instantly. This was the first time I reached out to her outside of our sessions. Sessions I spent either being a complete asshole and avoiding all my problems, or breaking down and crying the whole time and still being an asshole who didn't say anything.

"I'm angry at my mom."

"You have every right to be."

"I hope she rots in hell. I feel guilty saying that."

"Part of your healing process will be anger."

"Well, whatever step of healing anger is, I'm there."

"Don't stop now, Kelsey, you can say anything and it stays between us."

"No, you're probably busy," I said, heart racing. Regret and anxiety filling me up until I felt like the invisible seams of my skin were going to burst.

"No, not busy at all. I've been waiting for your call. Tell me everything, and then you can begin to heal."

"I don't know why he even cares about me. I'm so," I clamped my mouth shut. Stupid I wanted to say. "Caleb and Juliette are fighting downstairs, I heard them, and it's my fault because I ran upstairs like a child. So, he comes up here and apologizes for Erin. Can you believe that?"

"I can. Caleb has a tendency to take responsibility for things that aren't really his fault. Why don't you start from the beginning."

"She's so evil," I whispered. "I hate her." Dr. Liu stayed quiet and I let the story rush out of me. Every last detail about how Caleb and I had been house hunting and my mother sat on my shoulder, whispering into my ear. How she haunted me and I fantasized about strangling the ghost of her silent. How, whenever the day was good, I felt guilty and dirty and covered in blood. How I played pretend. "I feel like I'm not living inside of my body sometimes. Like I'm watching a fake Kelsey act out living my life for me. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm going crazy."

"Yes. You are hurting at a level that is unfathomable. Your mind will protect itself by doing that."

"I don't feel protected."

"It's a coping mechanism. It only protects us for as long as it can. Do you feel any release?"

I thought about it for a long time. Assessed the emptiness inside of me. The result of a pot boiling over. There wasn't anything left to stuff away. Or maybe it evaporated and would rain down again some other time. "I don't think she ever loved me," I whispered. "I think you're right about everything."

"Oh, no, dear. No one is ever right about everything. She loved you in the capacity she was able to. Did you watch all those stories about narcissistic parental abuse?" Dr. Liu asked, tone so kind I might have been talking to Juliette. But Juliette couldn't know all this. She couldn't see any of this. I wouldn't show it.

"No. Not yet," I responded.

"When you're ready, Kelsey. There is no need to rush. I think you've made a monumental step today."

I could feel her wrapping it up. "Thanks for listening, Doctor."

Her voice was soft and compassionate. She waited for my sobs to die down so that I could hear her. "Thank you for being so honest with me, and yourself. You mentioned that you haven't eaten dinner yet. I want you to try and eat and rest. We can talk more on Wednesday?"

"Yes." I replied without hesitation. I was ready to leave Erin Delgato in Brazil where she belonged. If she didn't love me, I didn't love her either.

"Good. You have your performance tomorrow, right?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Good luck. Try to have fun with your friends at the park. That's your homework. I want you to find joy tomorrow, even if it's just a little bit."

Hanging up, I felt heavy with exhaustion but too hungry to fall asleep. I padded down the stairs and peeked around the corner before taking the last step. Caleb and Juliette were chatting over a superhero movie on the couch. They both turned to look at me, straightening their backs as I walked into the kitchen to reheat my dinner.

"Can I hang out?" I asked.

"Of course. We were waiting for you to come down to set up Monopoly," Caleb forced a warm smile.

"Why? So she can put us both in debt up to our ears?"

"No. This time I have a strategy," Caleb waggled his eyebrows at me and smirked at Juliette.

"You can try," she sing-songed, pulling the monopoly board out of the ottoman. I scarfed down dinner as quickly as I could to minimize any awkward silence.

I took the loveseat and pulled it up to the game board, Juliette and Caleb sat together across from me on the sofa. As predicted, Miss Juliette wiped the floor with us and Caleb's strategy of buying up all the expensive places and putting up hotels failed miserably.

"Redo!" he shoved Juliette with his shoulder. "The dice fell out of my hand! It didn't roll!"

Her hand slapped over the dice. "That is a sorry excuse! Pay up."

Caleb pried her fingers off the dice, reaching for the second one with the other hand before she could get to it. "I dropped it, it doesn't count!" Juliette lost the scramble for the dice and scowled at him.

"Give me the money!" Miss Juliette held out her hand, victory dancing in her seat .

Caleb counted the rest of his money out, "I don't have enough to pay you. Can we start a tab?"

"No! That's against the rules."

"We can make it a rule."

"I'm on Caleb's side," I said, laughing. He was not a good loser. They tried to hide their shock, but I saw it. "He didn't shake it like he usually does. He should roll again."

They erupted in a shouting match, Juliette going on and on about how the rules are the rules and how dare I take his side? "I'm your ballet teacher! Where is your loyalty?"

Caleb hesitated, then shouted, "Well, I'm chromosomal-ly related! That counts more!" and I smiled at it because even he knew he was reaching to the stratosphere for that one.

They squabbled and fought over the dice, until Caleb stood and held them in the air. He was just enough taller than Juliette that even on her toes she couldn't reach his hand. He laughed down at her maniacally.

"You guys are worse than toddlers, just let him roll again!" I scolded, laughing at them.

"I did not raise you to be a rule breaker, Kelsey!" Juliette shouted at me dramatically over her shoulder. I shrugged and she sat back down with a huff "But fine, roll, you're still going to lose."

Caleb put his nose right up to Juliette's and smirked. "We'll see about that now that it's two against one."

Juliette scoffed and rolled her eyes, arms and legs crossed.

Caleb and I cheated left and right, stealing from the bank when Juliette got up to get snacks. We went so far as passing extra money to each other when we landed on each other's property, so that we could pay Juliette when we inevitably landed on her half of the board. It was useless. We gave up when I ran out of all my stolen money and Caleb's tab had run up into the tens of thousands.

"Nobody ever wins against me," Juliette gloated.

"Next week we're playing MarioKart," Caleb grumbled.

"You know, I think I remember a certain ballet teacher telling me that we never brag about our successes," I said .

"I like to win," Miss Juliette snapped.

"I'm going to wipe that smug look off your face." Caleb narrowed his eyes on her, and she shrugged.

"This was so fun," Miss Juliette pulled me into her arms. "We have a long day tomorrow, go get some rest." I hugged her a little longer than usual. Caleb and I said goodnight with our usual awkward waves. It was always so much worse when he watched me hug her. He didn't pressure me to hug him goodnight, not even with his body language, but I felt awkward about it.

He was trying. I had to give him credit for that.

I wouldn't have stuck around for me if I were him.