20. Chapter 20

Chapter twenty

Caleb

She scoffed.

I liked annoying Juliette. She was so easy to tease. A handful of suggestive sentences and she looked like she could smack me with a frying pan.

What just happened was not that.

Turning to the pot, I worked to rein in my racing heart. I hadn't meant to touch her.

Lies! God, that was such a lie.

What I hadn't meant for was my reaction—or hers. It was just a piece of hair that had fallen. I shouldn't have touched it. But I did. And then I imagined slipping my fingers to the base of her skull and pulling her in—and she'd seen that same image. I knew it. It was in the way her pupils dilated and her breathing went shallow as she licked her lips.

We couldn't go there. Kelsey would be disgusted. She would never forgive me.

It was insanity, anyway. I had lost my fucking mind.

Clearing my throat, I faced Juliette. "Do you want to take dinner with you, or should I send it with Kelsey?" I asked, shutting off the incessant voice in my head.

"Send it with Kelsey," she said.

Juliette jumped, remembering something, and dug through her purse. "I had a key made for you." Rooting through it, she started taking out her planner, wallet, phone, giant set of keys on a lanyard that rattled when she plopped them on the counter, and (shockingly) a second wallet. Finally, pulling out a small brown paper bag that was taped shut, Juliette handed it to me, noticeably careful not to touch my hand with hers. " This opens the front and back door, so if you ever need to get in or Kelsey forgets her key or whatever, you have it. Just in case."

"I—Juliette, this is all so sudden." Her eyes went wide. I kept rambling, "I don't know if I'm ready for this commitment. It's all happening so fast. It's only been," I mock counted on my fingers, "several weeks."

She caught up and rolled her eyes so far back into her skull they might have stayed that way. "You're such an ass. I thought you were being serious for a second."

"Of course I'm serious. Are you sure you trust me with access to your sock collection? One more loss at Monopoly and I'll be channeling my inner panty thief and applying the skills elsewhere. I'll be—"

"Caleb!"

"—taking one of each sock as revenge." I noticed on the periphery of my senses that Kelsey was walking down the hall towards us.

"You never know when to stop!" Juliette scolded me with a look while she shoved the chaos back into her purse.

"You'll never have a matching pair again." I shrugged, pretending to examine my nails.

"Kelsey, teach your father some manners while I'm gone," Juliette laughed, tossing her bag over her shoulder.

Everything in me recoiled.

I wish she hadn't said that.

Juliette left with a smile on her face, but Kelsey and I ate under a cloak of unspoken boundaries. The weight of the word father was the one thing that had a one hundred percent success rate at smothering Kelsey. Dr Liu used it sometimes in therapy and the immediate shutdown that followed was unbearable. It was poison.

The word daughter had the opposite effect on me. I was so proud of the young woman who chewed quietly across from me.

"Do you like the rice? I used a little too much saffron," I tried again to start a conversation.

"I like it strong," she said.

"How was school?" I said.

"Good," She said .

I tried changing topics. "Are you excited to go to the ballet?"

"Yes."

Maybe, address the issues head on, like Dr. Liu attempts during our sessions where Kelsey says almost nothing and I talk endlessly…

Stepping right onto the shards of glass, I cleared my throat before saying, "I'm sorry she said I was your father. I know you don't like that, and I don't expect you to call me dad. Or father. Caleb is fine. I'm happy with Caleb."

Kelsey kept her eyes on her plate, her straight dark brow gathering above her nose. We had the same brows, she and I. She had long lashes that fluttered a few times, keeping the tears from falling. I had never been a very perceptive man when it came to reading body language, or reading a room; but that look on her face, I was familiar with it by now. The stoic line of her lips, and downturned gaze. She spent much of our time in therapy this way. Inside, there must be a flurry of thoughts, memories. Pain. That much I knew for certain.

My gut clenched at the feeling of responsibility. I was a constant reminder of her mother—or worse, her abandonment. It wasn't my fault. But we'd never know each other if it weren't for Erin's cardinal sin.

Kelsey composed herself, took a bite, and replied, "It's fine. It's the truth."

"I don't think Juliette thought about what she said before she said it." A white flag, begging for a truce, for a return to the joking Cheshire grin from before; for the fragile threads of friendship that I spent weeks weaving between us.

"It's fine," Kelsey snapped, never looking up from her plate, "We can change the subject."

A brief silence while I scrambled to find a topic. "I went ahead and called the real estate agent, like we discussed in therapy."

"I've never been to an open house," she mumbled.

"I love house shopping, it's fun."

"Mhm."

"I helped my mom and dad downsize. The market on the east coast is a lot like where we live in California. High demand, low supply. The houses are a little older in this neighborhood." As the tension in the air thickened, my voice waned. "Not a whole lot of new construction." I gave up and turned to my dinner, relieving her of listening to me talk real estate.

There was silence all the way through clean-up. Her quiet, "I'm ready," pulled me away from the dishes and into the car.

A second before she opened the car door to go to class she hesitated. "I'm sorry I didn't talk at dinner," she blurted.

I stammered, unprepared. "It's okay. One day at a time, right?"

She looked down at her hands. "It's just weird because I always thought of my father as the guy," her voice trailed.

"From your baby album," I finished for her. Was this it? Were we having a deeper conversation without interference?

"Yeah. So, when people say father, I think of the guy mom said abandoned us. It's like I have two fathers. That guy, and you. A fake one, and a real one. So, it brings up a lot and I'm not good at talking about my feelings. I actually think you're wasting your money on Dr. Liu."

"It's okay. It felt weird for me at first, too. In a different way. It took me a while to get over the shock." I sighed and shifted to park despite the drop-off line behind me. "It's only been a few weeks. When you're ready, you'll talk. Until then, Dr. Liu can therapize me."

Kelsey chuckled softly, not meeting my eyes. "Miss Juliette thinks you talk too much and it's a problem."

"Silence makes my skin crawl."

"We don't have that in common."

Someone honked behind us. "That's alright. I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah." Kelsey's gaze met mine and the depth in them was indescribable. "Thanks for the dress, too. I'm excited to go," she said, opened the door and hopped out, running into the studio.

She forgot Juliette's dinner on the dashboard.

I debated dropping it off in the studio. I didn't want to interrupt class or have all those teens staring at me. Letting myself into Juliette's house about ten minutes before they'd be home, I heated up the rice .

Juliette came through the door first, and I froze.

"What happened?" she asked, dropping her bag of shoes in the entryway.

"I forgot to give Kelsey your dinner, so I'm heating it up," I lied.

Kelsey came in behind her. "Hi?" she asked accusingly, then realized what I was doing. "Oh, I forgot your dinner. Sorry," she said as she passed me to get to the refrigerator. She pulled out a yogurt, a cold slice of bread, and ate at the kitchen island.

"That's so sweet, thank you," Juliette said, kicking off her shoes in the doorway. "I forgot to bring a snack to class, I'm starving. You didn't have to heat it up." She came up next to me, our shoulders pressing into one another as she inspected her meal. Without warning she shut off the burner and plated everything in a messy heap.

Juliette was ravenous. They both were. I stood on the other side of the island, facing them, as they chattered about ballet and ate alarmingly fast. Kelsey peeled a banana from the fruit bowl on the island and alternated between it, the bread, and the yogurt. Like a toddler, I thought, too hungry to worry about etiquette.

Kelsey waved her yogurt in Juliette's general direction, replying to something she'd said, "Okay, but it doesn't go that way."

"Nonsense," Juliette shot back. "Stand up."

Kelsey groaned, but stood as she chewed.

Juliette turned to me, as if giving me a lesson. "Kelsey is having trouble with giving up before the music. It's hard for a reason." She ran a finger up Kelsey's spine saying, "Stand taller. Good. Lift. More. Now send the leg up using the muscles in your abdomen."

"I can't hold it long enough to promenade."

Juliette shooed her away and lifted her leg high in the air to the side. "Watch my abs," she said, paused, and removed her oversized sweater, returning the leg to her ear. Kelsey and I stared down at her core. "If I let go it's going to fall." She released the tension in her abs and her leg did, indeed, drop a few inches. "I've got to hold the abs steadier as the leg goes back, stronger even though they're getting longer."

It was gibberish to me, but Kelsey took a deep breath and lifted her leg the same. They were both breathing heavily, Juliette coaching as Kelsey brought the leg behind her to arabesque—I knew that one now—and Juliette dropped her leg to grab Kelsey's foot, pulling it slightly higher.

"Feel the length in the abs? Now make the length stronger, long neck. Good. Long spine. Shoulder square. Good."

"My back in crunching! It's on fire!" Kelsey scowled.

Juliette waved her off, "It's good for you."

Kelsey made an ungodly noise and dropped her leg. They dissolved into laughter.

"Better. You'll build the strength with time."

I loved how kind Juliette was to my daughter. Patient. Empowering.

"It's in my audition solo," Kelsey informed me with a smile. "If you find my dismembered legs tomorrow, just know it was her fault."

"Let's not be dramatic," Juliette chuckled and took another bite. "Bed, sweetheart. You worked hard today. Be proud of yourself."

"Night." Kelsey hugged Juliette and gave me a wave before bounding up the stairs to shower and crash. I gathered up Kelsey's discarded yogurt cup and spoon, tossing them in the sink.

"She's amazing," Juliette sighed, rubbing the small of her back.

"You amaze me."

Juliette's bottom lip dropped as if in preparation to speak. Instead, the beat of surprise widened her smile and she hid her blush by fidgeting with her bangs. "I'm getting old." Tucking some of her bangs behind her ear, Juliette slipped onto a barstool. "I'm exhausted by this time. I bet half my students would stay another hour to dance."

I took the barstool next to her and rested my head on my chin to face her. There was a faint line of sweat that ran down the column of her spine that darkened the lavender fabric of her leotard. I tried to ignore the tingling in my fingers, the inconvenient itch of curiosity I always felt when I really looked at Juliette, when it seemed like time paused for a second to let me study her.

She listened as I recounted the agonizing dinner and subsequent truce of drop-off .

"I'm sorry. I think you did the right thing, pushing that boundary. I wouldn't have done it right before class, but the opportunity was there."

"So, I took it," I finished.

Her freckled skin pebbled with a chill. I passed her the sweater she'd taken off and for a split second I had the audacity to hesitate, if only in my mind, to hand it over. Juliette pulled the rainbow hued cable-knit over her head and blew her bangs up away from her face. She liked them parted in the middle, even though they insisted on falling straight above her brow.

"How was the rest of your day?" I asked, keen to provoke her.

"Same old." She grinned, that sparkling mischief peeking out from under her reserved nature. That same grin when she knew she was winning at Monopoly. "Can you keep a secret?"

Time slowed, my pulse drumming in my ear, our gaze meeting with the upward tilt of her lips. I became acutely aware of her, as a woman—a beautiful woman. Crystalline eyes and full bottom lip. She looked so pretty like this, tired and happy, slightly disheveled, leaning onto the counter and keeping her voice as low as she could.

"Of course," I said, with absolutely no right to any of her secrets. I was greedy for them anyway. I should have felt more anxious, more shame, more panic at the way I felt as if I were free-falling.

"You're a liar."

"Who am I going to tell? I have no friends!"

"This is true. Do you remember the day you got the genetic results?"

I nodded.

"I was on the phone when you walked in with my landlord buying out my neighbor's lease. I'll officially be expanding next season."

"Congratulations!" I said, grasping her fingers in mine. She looked down at my touch, deliberate and bold and platonic . "You must be proud."

Juliette turned her palm in mine, meeting my gaze with hers. As if the gods themselves lived behind that smile, those eyes, she was ripping at the seams with excitement. She squeezed my hand and nodded. "I've worked so hard for this. There is a lot of luck involved, too. But, you see, workaholism does pay off."

"It certainly does," I said, referencing my entire twenties that now afforded me almost every creature comfort money could buy. "Hopefully not," I started, then became distracted by our hands. By Juliette and the unmistakable sagging of jealousy in my chest. She was going on a date with FedEx guy, and I was two for two on excuses to touch her. Devouring crumbs of physical touch that didn't mean anything.

In that moment of wild, uncontrolled emotion, I thought, I would do anything, anything, if she would just lace her fingers with mine and make this something.

"Not," Juliette prompted.

"Oh, uh, hopefully not because you sacrificed too much." I could feel myself blinking too much, a heat rising up my neck that I attempted to force back down before it reached my cheeks.

"You know as well as I that success came at a price that I was willing to pay."

Juliette, still riding the high of revealing her secret, was still smiling, oblivious to the places we touched. Our shoulders, elbows, hands, wrists. Beneath the counter, our knees. The impulse to test it, drop a stone off the cliff and listen to hear how far down I'd fall, was overwhelming.

Heart pounding, I moved to lace my fingers with hers. Juliette pulled her hand away and I snapped back to my senses, covering a fake cough behind that hand as if I had been removing my hand first.

"What's the plan, then?" I croaked.

Juliette's knee bounced and knocked against mine. "Sorry," she said, placing a hand on my thigh and retracting it as if she'd scorched it on a hot plate. "Sorry!" Her skin flamed a deep crimson. "I didn't mean—"

I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. "It's fine, sometimes people accidentally touch. Part of the perils of being human. "

"Right." Juliette's expression was unreadable. She was embarrassed, yes, but she was also measuring her breaths, as though she'd finally become aware how close we sat, and I was taking up too much oxygen.

Her face cracked into a smile. Then a chuckle. And then we burst out laughing together. Shushing one another for the consideration of the teenager fast asleep upstairs.

I have to leave.

Something was in the air today and I was intoxicated. Drunk on her. On this feeling I was making up in my head because... because I was lonely?

"I've got to go. I'm going to get us in trouble."

"Yes, you are so loud," Juliette whispered.

"Not very good at being quiet."

"You can be quiet when you want to," Juliette said, shifting in her seat, putting a little bit of distance between us so that our knees wouldn't touch unless we meant it. Truly meant it. "I have to shower, anyway."

Some invisible force was stronger than reason. "No tea tonight?" I asked.

Juliette

"Did you want some?" I asked, thankful for the excuse to get up and get away from him. Every fiber of my being was thrumming with the desire to get closer. My hand still burned with the knowledge that his thigh was a solid mass of muscle. Not that I didn't already know that from his running shorts, but I didn't know from tactile experience.

Madness. Insanity!

It was as if my core had awakened from a long, uninterrupted sleep.

"If you insist." Caleb's voice was low and coated with a delicious depth, almost gravely. I felt it like nails dragging down my spine .

We'd gone too far when we held hands. It was innocent. Impulsive. Friendly. It would have been platonic if I hadn't immediately felt my soul bounce to life. I didn't feel that he was attractive anymore. I felt attracted to him. Which was the most dangerous thing I'd felt this decade. A palpable pull of my body towards his.

With my back to him, I could feel him watching. As surely as I could feel the heat of the boiling water.

Caleb averted his gaze when I turned around, eyes darting between myself and his clasped hands. We were both unbearably aware of the taught chord of tension between us. Someone needed to sever it.

"Chamomile, so we both get to sleep tonight."

He took the hot cup and sniffed the contents. He made a face but tested the tea anyway. "I rarely have trouble sleeping."

"I'm a night owl."

"I know, you've kept me up past my bedtime a few times." Caleb's voice. I would die from the feel of it if he kept talking to me like this.

I sat a respectable distance from him. "Is that so? Or do you refuse to leave?"

"I just said I should go, and you offered tea."

"That's not how that happened." I struggled to remember who had brought up having a cup of tea. Who had asked to prolong this. Did it even matter? We were both here. Neither of us wanted Caleb to leave.

"It's how I remember it," he said with a sly grin. "Tell me all about this expansion, Miss Juliette. I want to know everything."

There was to be no more touching, I decided as the chamomile burned my throat.

The tension between us receded while I filled him in on every detail. Caleb's voice lost its depth, as if he had forced himself to the surface as well, and we treaded back to calmer waters. Eye contact became easy again, and when our legs touched under the table, we could ignore it.

Talking to Caleb late into the night had become as much a part of the rhythm in which we lived as pick-up and drop-off duty. As their morning runs, and making breakfast for them for when they came back. The hours passed as if we were walking a brand-new hiking trail, tripping sometimes over roots, and reaching out a hand to help the other up. Sometimes we giggled past the awkward oversharing, and sometimes the conversation held the weight of our worry for Kelsey. Those nights, we took turns carrying it, navigating blindly through the forest together, brainstorming ways to heal a heart so broken neither of us thought we could fix it. We could create a new heart, we mused, one that we could transplant into her when the time was right. A heart that was filled with our love.

Those hikes were painful. Sometimes, we would give up and just sit in silence for a while.

Each night, we never got to the end of the trail. There was always more to say, more stories of his past he was willing to share. More stories about the studio to laugh over, or vent about. Tonight, it was my turn to show him the path I wanted to walk down for my future. He listened and made suggestions. Dreamt with me under the thick canopy of foliage blocking our view of the sun. We couldn't decide which way west was, so we trusted this was the right path for me. Caleb's rosy optimism infecting my more practical aspirations.

We talked until he was yawning, and I shooed him out, watching him back out of the driveway from the front door. I felt a horrible, homesick yearning as I watched him. A terrible fondness that made me want to hide under my duvet and scream into my pillow.

As the hot water pelted my skin and I scrubbed the sweat from my body, I whispered to the woman in the mirror, "You can not develop a crush on this man. What the fuck is wrong with you?"