13. Chapter Thirteen

How do you continue living when those you love fell off the train a few stations back?

And really, how could you continue when they chose to fall so they could push you back on?

Do you live for them, or for yourself? Do you live in spite of their sacrifice? Or do you live because of their sacrifice?

What if you just don't want to be here anymore because you can't fucking decide if your life continues moving because you want it to, or because you don't want theirs to be in vain?

But honestly, what does it matter? Do you even feel guilt when death takes you? Will ending your existence truly hurt anyone except the living?

These thoughts hit me in heavy waves. I will have a few days where I feel happy and accept my past for what it is. But then this ominous sense of impending doom consumes my entire body, and suddenly I"m unable to think about anything it doesn't want me to.

It starts in my chest—right under that familiar, hollow place. It calls my name as it spreads its sticky tentacles. It tells me that it's here for a visit and laughs as I struggle to loosen its grip. Every time I try to rid myself of it, but every time I fail. And when it reaches my head? There's no choice but to accept until it's fed on every last bit of my weakening resolve.

My limbs become frail—my smile faint. The sun dulls while the colors around me mute. Concepts like laughing and enjoying seem so incredibly foreign. As if I couldn't possibly understand how I ever felt those things before.

Because feeling those things is impossible when it visits.

Not when my mind is full of images that contain Bren's last breath, or the dozens of fae slicing their throats just to buy me a few seconds.

I so badly want to ask them: was it worth it?

Was your entire life worth mere moments of mine? Do you think that was a fair price to pay?

I doubt they would think so. I know I sure as fuck don't. But of course, the one person who not only believes their sacrifices are worth it—but also necessary—is the one with all the power. How fucking twisted is that?

It's on days like these that I just want to curl up in bed and sleep the hours away. Maybe by the time I woke, its dark presence would be leaving my body? Until its next visit, that is.

Why isn't the physical torture Andras forced on me not the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Why is it the memories?

Why does it fucking feel like those memories are crushing my chest so hard that I can't breathe? Especially when Andras quite literally crushed my chest at one point? They're not even there! Yet they're so fucking loud and demanding, and I just want so badly to be out of my head that I'll do almost anything.

Anything except kill myself, it seems. Because the memories are a reminder of the debts I owe. A reminder of the many fae who chose to die so that I could live. I didn't deserve it…but they did it, anyway. I owe them.

So answer me this…how do you fucking continue living when those you love fell off the train a few stations back? When they chose to fall just to push you back on?

"Love, are you okay?" I jolt at Emrys's voice in my ear and quickly turn to give him a smile as I nod. "Are you sure? Because you've been absent nearly the whole trip."

My vision blurs, but I blink it away and swallow the rising bile. I really do not want them seeing just how weak I am. Bren was murdered so long ago, so I should be over it by now. Right? "I'm okay. Just thinking." My voice is quiet, lacking the confidence I have no energy to imbue.

He doesn't respond, but instead curls his arm tighter around my waist. My head snaps to the left at the prince's laugh, and I smile when I see him and Xamira playing. She's sitting just in front of him on his horse—well, lying on her back—as she swats at his fluttering fingers. He manages to tickle her belly and she pays him in kind with her sharp teeth.

I watch them for a few minutes, trying to prepare for the long day ahead. We're riding to a temporary training site, where the leaders have been gathering to go over new tactics and schedules. My father offered some of the demis to help, and no one was going to refuse that. There's a sinking feeling deep inside my soul that tells me we only have a few days until Andras is here. We have yet to hear from the scout, but Andras is a snake and will wait until the last second to reveal himself.

After an hour, we crest a small hill and are greeted with a makeshift arena, set in the center of the hill. The slope allows all onlookers to watch and learn, instead of crowding behind one another. Currently sparring is Ansa and Karis, while the rest of the castle guard stands to the side smiling. Nearly a dozen fae soldiers group at the edge of the arena, looking slightly uncomfortable. They should be.

Taking up most of the space are a few dozen demis, as they scrutinize every move Ansa and Karis make. It doesn't take long before the first head turns our way, gaping at the line of gods, prince, and captain watching them. Movement below stops as all attention turns to us.

I really do not want attention on me today. Fuck.

Before anyone can take their next breath, my mother is off her horse and ordering the others around. I groan, rolling my neck before accepting Em's hand as he helps me down. He's quite the intuitive male…because any other day, I would have kicked his ass for assuming I needed help off a fucking horse. But today it feels nice to be cared for just a little extra.

"You ready?" My prince saunters over, looking smug because he knows how well those leathers fit him. The fitted, black material curves perfectly around every muscle, making me bite my lip.

I huff, turning toward the captain. "Oh, come on!" Clearly, I didn't look at them when we left; I was too in my head to notice. "How is a girl expected to focus when the two of you are here? It's literally going to be a fucking slip and slide down there, and someone's going to get hurt."

"A what?" Em breathes through his laughter.

Oh yeah, they aren't from the human side.I suppose neither am I—so if it weren't for Andras, I also wouldn't know what a slip and slide is. Lucky me.

There's my positivity for the day.Rolling my eyes at my thoughts, I turn back to the prince, patting Em on the chest. "Never mind. And you—" I accentuate the word, poking Casmir. "Out of my sight…actually, both of you out of my sight before I change my mind about being here."

I step to move around Cas, but he grabs my wrists and tugs me to his chest. "Feeling a little tense, princess? Perhaps our swim yesterday wasn't enough? It would be my pleasure to rectify that for you." He smirks at the redness creeping up my cheeks. I giggle when Em pushes my hair to the side and trails cool air down my neck.

"Maybe with both our help, we could get all of that tension out of you." The heat in his voice shoots straight to my core. "What do you say, love?"

I rest my forehead against Cas's chest and snort to myself. "I say," I drawl, looking them both in the eye. "You two are the most insufferable males ever." I side-step them, bolting just out of reach. Walking backward, I smirk at their plotting gazes. "Why don't you two go suck each other off? I have a job to do!"

I run down the hill smiling, feeling significantly lighter than I was twenty minutes ago. I'm so focused on thoughts of my males that I don't see mother step up beside me.

"Do not show them your weakness, Nell. There is nothing to be smiling about here." I roll my eyes very dramatically and turn my back on her.

She ushers everyone in, standing in front as if she's a leader here. After going through the same speech I gave the guard when I first trained them, we separate the demis and fae into groups. Each god takes a group and offers input as needed.

It's not long before I'm sweating from the heat of the bright sun, wishing I could sit under the waterfall again. I close my eyes at a heavy breeze and breathe in the alluring air. I watch Calix with the fae for some time, not needing to interfere with anything he does. I mean, he's the one who taught me, so I would assume he doesn't need my help.

"Okay, one-on-one training is concluded! We will now observe sparring trials." I yawn, tuning out mother's voice as much as I can. And even though she believes me worthless, she still loves to show off what she created. "Anellah and Calix will take the first round." I share a look with my best friend and almost laugh at how familiar this all feels. Almost like I never left Europa in the first place.

Actually, this is too familiar. As I step into the middle of the arena, I face my opponent, and memories of the last time I fought him resurface. The competition for best warrior. I nearly killed him.

I have worked on my control tediously since that day, and I trust that I will not hurt him, but there's still a voice in my head telling me I'm too weak for that to be true. That I failed my parents at everything else, so why wouldn't I fail at this?

Shut the fuck up, Nell. You create your own prison.

"I have placed a sealed dome around your sparring area, so do not hold back. You may begin." I forgot how much she loves reminding everyone of her essence magic. So humble.

My eyes slide back to Cal, narrowing when I see his smirk. "Would you like to attack first, or shall I?"

I give him a predatory smile and gesture to the space between us. "Be my guest."

Just as the last word leaves my mouth, he hauls an ocean-sized wave at me. I shake my head, crossing my arms and covering myself with essence. The water curves around my body, and though it doesn't touch me, I can still feel the cooling effects it has. It's nice. And also so fucking predictable! Does he think I have forgotten his tactics?

I drop my magic and go to tell him as much when the last of the water crests over me, but I don't get the chance to speak as he stands from a crouch and punches my jaw so hard I go flying. I hit mother's wall and groan when my face hits the grass. I feel worry and hesitation down the bond, though I ignore it to stand and face Cal.

Swiping my fingers over my bloody lips, I laugh. "Oh, that's how you want to do this? I was going to go easy on you, but now I have no choice but to kick your ass!"

He hops from foot to foot, smiling manically. "Yeah, whatever you say, Nell. You're just pissed I got a hit in!"

I shrug and spin to throw my fist out, using my essence to hit him in the face as if it were me. Now that we're even, we fight.

We're so tangled in a mess of magic and limbs that I forget which of us attacked first. It feels fantastic to let loose and spar with Cal again. I may have even let him strike me a few more times, just to feel the heat of the fight. It feels like hours before we both stand and send a wave of magic at each other. The strength we put into our attacks backfire when they collide, and the force of it sends us both to the ground.

My back hits the grass hard, and I cough a few times as the impact winded me. I roll my head to look at Cal; he's watching me from his landing spot, but we both know the fight is over. I laugh, clutching my abdomen when I can't stop. I feel so good. This is exactly what I needed today.

"Fuck, Nell, you were really slacking there for a minute," he teases. I punch him in the arm and turn to tell my mother we're finished, but she has already dropped her dome.

Casmir and Emrys jog to me, both acting like mother hens when they feel every part of my body for injury. "Are you satisfied?" I mutter when they complete their inspection.

"Not in the slightest, love." He licks his bottom lip as his eyes complete a different kind of inspection.

"I'm so glad I do not have soul bonds," Calix mutters. "No offense, though." He winks, walking out of the arena.

"There's no chance we lose this war when we have you. That was fucking incredible, Nell." I bite my cheek, shrugging and pushing their arms to turn around.

"Please, let's get water. I feel like I've swallowed all the dirt in the Veil!" The males chuckle, walking faster ahead of me to see to my needs. Insufferable, but irreplaceable.

I follow a few steps behind and involuntarily halt when my face smacks into a wall of nothing. I touch the space in front of me to make sure I'm not going crazy.

That's certainly a wall…and it's not mine.

I jolt when a force hits my back, pushing me into the magic again. Turning around, my eyes narrow when I see my mother standing in the middle of the arena. All at once conversation and movement stop when the goddess's threat permeates the field.

I face her fully, raising a brow. I will not speak first. She smirks.

"Since you seem to suddenly hate me so much, now is the time to let your anger out. Emotions will only make you weak, Anellah." I cross my arms and widen my stance, not deigning her a response. The moment her jaw clenches, I cover myself with essence. She's going to try to bait me.

She proves me right when a blast of energy hits my chest. I can see her mind turning when I don't move, trying to figure out the best way to humiliate me and gain the upper-hand again. This isn't her territory. She feels out of place and is doing everything she can to maintain the power she possesses in Europa.

She doesn't understand this is my territory. And fuck if I'll let her control this, too.

Several more blasts slam into me from all sides—I just watch her. Pure satisfaction sings in my blood the more disheveled she gets. "Come on, just hit me back! Let out your anger!"

"It looks to me like you're the only one here who needs to let out their anger." I'm not having this fight with her again. I am done giving her my time and energy when all she does is abuse them.

She marches up to me, snarling as she stops not a foot away. "You spoiled f—" A smile tugs at my lips; she's making a fool of herself in front of everyone. "You had one last job, Anellah! You're to be sanctioned in a mere five years! How could you allow yourself to be with them?" She points to my left where Cas and Em watch us closely.

"I told you how. Or do you not care that Andras used my body for his own pleasure this entire time?" I swallow past the thick sludge in my throat. I almost think I see a flash of guilt in her eyes. Almost. But then her uncaring mask slides back into place.

"That is your own fault. There were things you could have done to escape earlier."

"You—" I hold my hand up to stop Emrys. She's sucked the life out of me for decades. She doesn't need his, too.

"Well then I implore you to turn yourself over to Andras so he can siphon your magic and hold you in a constant state of paralysis. Where you can't even move your eyes to see what tool he's grabbing next to cut you open with. And when he blocks all of your memories and plants fake ones? I'll make sure to stay away so as not to fuck with your escape. Please, mother! Go try it out for yourself; because only then will I listen to a single fucking word you have to say about Emrys and Casmir."

She shifts, taking a step closer. "I do not know who you think you are, but you do not speak to your mother like that." That makes me smile. Of course she would somehow make this all about her.

"I think I'm exactly who you raised me to be. And now that I'm free of your manipulation, I'll do whatever the fuck I want." This time, I step closer. "But that's not what really bothers you, is it? No…you're jealous. I'm making the choice that you always wanted for yourself but were afraid to go after until it was too late. Now you get to watch me—your own child—live the life you dreamed of. That's your fault, though.

"So, no, I will not be coming back to Europa. I will complete the bonding ceremony. I will spend the rest of my life happy with my bonds and free of you. And there will not be a single moment that I will ever regret my decision."

Her hand moves so quick that I don't register it's trajectory until it slaps me hard across the face, swinging my head to the side. Gasps ring through the arena, and I know Cas and Em want so badly to intervene, but they won't without my permission. A metallic taste coats my mouth, and I have the urge to spit it out. I don't. Instead, I swallow it and keep my arms crossed as I level her with an emotionless gaze.

"I have always hated you. The difference between then and now is that I am done putting up with your shit."

I turn to meet my bonds but feel her wall is still up. Without another thought, I throw my fist into it and revel as the magic cracks and shatters. Out of the corner of my eye, Cyran's jaw drops, but I'm only focused on one thing. Stepping between Cas and Em, I look back to see Aeryn still watching me with a look of disgust. I smile and grab Casmir's face, pulling his lips to mine. He opens for me immediately, and I melt into him as we deepen the kiss.

After a minute, I pull away and he smiles warmly at me, kissing my forehead and turning me toward the captain. I don't check to see if she is still there when I throw my arms around Em and frantically drink him in. He tastes of lemon and honey; that mixed with the scent of his new leathers? I'm about to say fuck who's watching and ride him right here.

Emrys breaks the kiss, his brows furrowing deeply. "Is it true, then? You were serious about your choice?" His words are so quiet and heavy that my chest squeezes tightly. I may have said yes to their proposal, but until now I've been hesitant to put these words into existence.

I cup his face and nod. "Yes. I choose you. I choose Casmir. I choose our bond. And I am so sorry for ever making you think that you, Cas, and Xamira will not always be my first priority. I will always choose you."

The males squeeze me in a tight hug, and I can't help but laugh at the euphoria swimming between the three of us. A feeling of rightness settles in my soul, and I know I've made the correct decision.

They each grab one of my hands and we walk back up the hill toward the horses. I am exhausted and just want to lie in bed with all three of my bonds.

"Honestly, love, you handled yourself so well." Emrys continues with his mini-speech, but I don't hear anything else.

Slowly, I look down to see an arrow protruding from my abdomen. I must be in shock because the only thing I feel is undiluted fear…it's an obsidian arrow. Blood seeps from the wound while my mind completely stalls on how to move the rest of my body. Something fills my throat and I cough, hot blood now covering my hands.

Cas and Em are a few steps ahead and turn at the noise. I can feel the obsidian's poison touching my flesh, and suddenly I'm so fucking weak. I try to cough again when my throat fills, but the muscles will not listen. The blood just pools in my mouth until it starts draining down my chin.

Everything moves in slow motion, blurring as if I were on a train watching the landscape through an open window. I do not remember the prince and his captain calling for anyone, but there are several people surrounding me. I do not remember losing my feet, but I'm lying in someone's arms. I do not remember calling for Xamira, but her soft fur grazes my cheek.

So soft. Maybe if I slept, I would stop feeling so dizzy.

I do not remember why I was scared, but there's a quiet voice begging me to stay awake. Why? I'm so tired.

Please, Nell. Fucking gods, please stay! it whispers to me, though that doesn't make sense. I'm not going anywhere…I just need to rest for a while.

I do not remember falling, but darkness catches me and holds me in its comforting embrace.