8. Maddy

Chapter 8

Maddy

S arra is asleep in the armchair when I get back to her workshop. I feel guilty that she stayed up all night worrying about me, and then I feel even guiltier about how warm that makes me feel inside.

I have a friend. For the first time in my life, somebody who is not my sister cares about me.

And I care about her too.

I wake her gently. "You have a bed to go to," I tell her.

"Did you bring me any cheese?" she mumbles, standing. I open the napkin folded inside my leather pouch and hand it to her.She smiles at me, then looks at the cheese. "I'll save it for the morning. I'm exhausted."

"Good idea. I'm going to sleep here," I tell her.

She nods, hugs me, and leaves.

As soon as I'm settled in front of the fireplace, I retrieve the compact mirror.

My pulse is quick, and I'm even more nervous than the last time I tried it. So much has happened, and I am so desperate to tell Freydis. I want her advice on whom I can trust, too, even though Sarra has lessened some of my worries about the Valkyrie. As the day has gone on, and my roiling thoughts have settled, it has become clear that I would be an idiot not to talk to any of them. All of them know more about val-tivars , Featherblade, and being a Valkyrie than I do. Kain included.

I shake the thought of him from my head. Freydis would absolutely not approve of him.I get a flash of a real memory—Freydis' horrified face when she discovered that on one of our secret evening jaunts through a tavern, I had not been playing cards as I told her, but discovering exactly what it was a man kept between his legs. It was a tavern we'd snuck into many times, and I'd known him long enough to see how he treated the females around him. He was kind and simple, and I enjoyed the experience. More than once, in fact, but I didn't tell Freydis that part.I'd rather not have told her at all, but my impulsive side wasn't always good at keeping things from her.

I open the mirror, holding on to the image of my sister's disapproving stare fondly, and hold my breath.

Fifteen long, painfully quiet minutes pass. It's hard to keep the tears at bay.

You're using it wrong, I tell myself. There is no way in Yggdrasil she would ignore you like this. She loves you.

She must miss me like I miss her, surely?

I close the mirror gently. I've been here without her for weeks now. I will just have to manage a few more. As many as it takes for me to earn my wings, and then I will fly back to the Ice Court and see her face for real.

Do what you can. Ignore what you can't.

Right now, I can't speak to my sister. But I can train. I can get stronger. I can build my shield. I can plea for my bear to return. So that's what I'll do.

I rest my head, close my eyes, picture the bear, and pray.

I train with Eldith the next day, and I train hard. By the time we're finished, I've gone up a weight on the ladder of heavy balls, for both my arms and my legs. I manage seven laps again around the Battleyard, which is equivalent to just over ten minutes. Valdis told me to aim for sixty minutes. Now I know she has a wolf val-tivar , that seems a little easy for her to say—she has magical stamina, for fates' sake. But still, I never would have believed my stamina would hold out for ten minutes at a steady pace, so I set my next goal at fifteen minutes.

I almost pin Eldith in the two hours of combat training we do. I'm getting better for sure, but I suspect she is going easy on me.If she really wanted to beat me, I believe she could, and every other rook here probably could, too.But I am stronger and faster than I was before, and all I can do is try to improve.

That evening, in the feasting hall, I'm loading up my plate with smoked fish and pulped potato when Orgid shoves me hard with his shoulder. My plate tips and the food slops onto the floor.

"Shame the Giants didn't take you," he snarls at me.

"The feeling is mutual," I mutter. I glance around for Inga, but don't see her. A gold-fae I've often seen Orgid with called Dimec is standing at his shoulder, an unfriendly look on his face. "Is Inga's staff problem sorted out yet?"I ask casually.

Orgid looks down at my own hip pointedly, which is completely devoid of a staff. "You'll pay for what you did to her," he says. Part of me wants to point out that I did nothing, but the other part of me is happy to take credit for Kain's work, so I just crouch to clear the food from the floor. He gives a sneering laugh, then leaves. Dimec kicks at the potatoes and flicks them over my hand and arm, then follows after him. Grinding my teeth, I wipe up the spilled food and remove the potatoes from my clothes as best I can. When I get a new plate, I opt for bread instead. Eldith arrives at the food table just in time to see me adding a wrapped lump of cheese to my belt pouch and raises her eyebrows.

"I have a friend who likes cheese," I say quietly.

"An animal friend?" she asks warily.

"No. Human."

She shrugs and looks over to where Orgid, Dimec, and a few other fae are talking loudly at a table. "Friends are good," she says. "Particularly when you have enemies."

I'd like to think Eldith is becoming my friend. Not in the way Sarra is, perhaps, but she is going out of her way to help me train, and whether that's still driven by guilt about breaking my foot or not, I don't care now. I trust her.

"Unfortunately, he has friends too," I say.

"They're just immature, spoiled children. Ignore them. I'll see you tomorrow."

Inga, Orgid, Dimec, and an earth-fae female called Thira appear in the same place as me annoyingly often over the next two days, taking every opportunity they can to knock into me, trip me up, or break my belongings. They do nothing worse than childish bullying, though, and I wonder if it's because everywhere I go, Kain does too. I can always feel his burning gaze on me, but it's rare that I see him. Occasionally I get a glimpse, and I'm sure that's only when he allows it, or when one of the others is giving me shit and he wants them to know he's there.

I have to fight going to him every time I make eye contact with him. I know what a bad idea being around him is. He made a promise that he would uncover my secrets, and the more time I spend with him, the more likely he will deliver on that promise. It takes more willpower than I knew I could draw on, but I don't go to him.

That doesn't stop the constant fantasies, though. Every time my mind gets a chance, if it's not occupied with training and classes or conversations with Sarra or Eldith, it fills with him.

On Saturday, I pass out in the middle of archery. It's embarrassing—it's always embarrassing—but the other fae must be getting used to it, because they don't pay much attention to it this time. Except Orgid's group, of course, who make a point of laughing loudly and commenting on my ineptitude.

When I'm back on my feet, Valdis grunts a halfhearted query as to my ability to carry on, and I tell her I'm fine.

As my arrows thunk into the target, my cheeks burning, instead of feeling relief that I survived another blackout, it's anger that I have to put up with this shit at all.It's anger that I have to live in fear.

I pass out again on Monday in the healing class, which is particularly annoying because we are learning how to make a potion that slows enemies down. I am fervently taking notes when it happens, and I have absolutely no warning. Eldith isn't next to me, so nobody catches me as I slip off the seat, and I go down with a clatter, banging my elbow hard enough to cause an enormous bruise and knocking my jaw on the table edge.

Sarra and I make up a compress that evening based on what I've learned in Erik's classes, to see if it will help the bruising. "See, this is a good excuse for an experiment." I rub it on the blossoming blue marks on my face and elbow.

"I can't believe nobody caught you," she says tersely.

"Navi was sitting beside me. There's no way she's going to lift a finger to help me. She believes the weakest link needs to be removed."

"She sounds like an arsehole. "

"They are mostly like that, I think," I tell her. Although I don't know much about any of them, really. Only that my fainting makes them all uncomfortable.

"I thought you might talk to Erik today," Sarra says casually. "About your bear?"

I sigh. "I thought about it, I really did. But he won't believe me. None of them will. And it's not like she's come back."

Sarra knocks me on the arm. "She will. And when she does, you have to ask one of the Valkyrie about her."