28. Maddy

Chapter 28

Maddy

" Y ou're certain?" I whisper.

She nods. "Yes. I have come across many, many fae and humans marked to die with terminal illnesses or imminent disaster since my original duties to Odin, and let me tell you, if anything is going to kill you here it will be your fainting at a lethal moment, or a bad decision on your own part."

There's a ringing in my ears, and I'm opening and closing my mouth repeatedly.

I'm trying to process what she's saying, but the revelation that the blackouts will not kill me is sending me spiraling.

"So… the healers when I was a child… They got it wrong?" My own voice sounds distant.

Sigrun shrugs again. "I don't know. Or they lied to you. Either way, it's not terminal. You're just losing consciousness. "

She keeps speaking, but I can't really hear what she's saying anymore.

They couldn't have lied to me. Who would be cruel enough to tell somebody that they're going to die at any moment? To let them live a lifetime believing that?

They must have got it wrong. There is no way they deliberately lied to me.

But rage at the thought that it's even possible, rage that somebody else's mistake has caused me to live a lifetime of fear, makes my hands shake and my thoughts tumble.

"You're not going to die, Madivia," Sigrun says. I look at her, trying to focus. "That's a good thing, but you look angry."

"I'm not going to die," I repeat slowly.

"Not from the blackouts."

I'm not going to die.

Sigrun sighs. "I suppose it's going to take a moment for that to sink in. Drink the tea. Wait here—I'm going to get something for you."

A moment to sink in? A fucking moment to sink in?

I barely keep my mouth shut. But she's Sigrun, leader of the Valkyrie. Losing my shit with her is not going to help.

And besides, it's not her I am angry with. She's just lifted the weight of a thousand boulders, a lifetime of unending fear, straight from my shoulders.

I'm not going to die.

Sigrun stands, stares at me for a beat, then walks slowly from the room. "Drink the tea," she calls back at me. I look down at the tea and pick up the cup. My hands are shaking more now than they were before, though, and restlessness is overtaking my body.

I can't sit still. I don't want to sit still.

I set down the tea and pace the large room, rubbing my hands over my face and trying to calm myself.

I am not going to die from the blackouts.

Sigrun's right, they might very well still kill me, and they are still dangerous, but the fear that I won't wake up every single time… I don't need to live with it anymore.

A string of the worst curse words I know leaves my lips in a messy torrent, and I'm half laughing around them.

I'm free.

I'm free of the fear. The fear was never even founded. Somebody made it up, got it wrong— it was never real.

I'm dizzy for the second time today, but this time it's heady elation, an inability to fully process what I've just been told.

I stare blankly at a bookcase in front of me as my feet slow.

Could they have known? Could the healers have known and lied? Could my parents have known and lied?

How could they make such a huge mistake?

"How? How do you get that wrong?" I whisper, and then I'm saying the word "how" out loud, over and over again.

"Shit. Get it together, Maddy." I shake my head too hard, and pain lances through it. It's been a really, really long day, and I have to get a grip .

Images of the day flash before me, and my heart stutters in my chest

Freydis.

If any part of her still loves me, surely this is news she will want to hear. Surely she'll be happy that I'm not going to die?

She might still be here, somewhere.

I turn toward the door. Can I catch her? Can I reach my family before they leave? Tell them they got it wrong? The anger swells inside me, and I take a deep breath.

Calm down, Maddy—you have to calm down.

I touch things to try to ground myself, like I always have when I get overwhelmed.

Ground yourself in the details. My eyes fall on something on the edge of the shelf nearest me. It's a set of keys on a carved wooden ring. I don't know what possesses me, but I close my hand over them.

You're going to steal from Sigrun? Are you fucking crazy? The voice in my head is tiny. Too small, too insignificant compared to everything else today.

So I ignore it.

Sigrun says Featherblade is interested in me, and if there is a key to the records room on this ring and it's right here in front of me, then perhaps the ancient magic is sending me a sign.

Or perhaps you're going to get yourself disgraced, just like Kain!

I crush the voice and drop the ring of keys into my belt pouch. Sigrun comes back into the room before I even have time to start pacing on the other side of the room.

"Do you think my parents knew?" I blurt out. "They might still be here, and I?—"

"Madivia," she says firmly. She's holding a piece of paper, and she drops it to her side and sighs. "I understand that might matter to you now, but what you need to focus on is becoming a Valkyrie, not your past. What is important now is your future."

"But… my past is who I am."

"No. Not now you're here. Your past is irrelevant. Your future is what you make it." She moves toward me and holds out her hand, passing me the piece of folded paper.

"What is it?" I ask as I unfold it, then realize the question is redundant. It's a map. The most beautiful map I've ever seen, in fact. It's of Featherblade.

I scan it quickly, wondering what's on here that I might not already know about. Primarily, I'm looking for the vault. If it's on here, then Sigrun knows about it. I let out a long breath when I don't see it, and Sigrun chuckles.

I look up at her, eyebrows raised. "Why are you giving this to me?"

She shrugs, and her long green braids tumble around her dark shoulders. "Instinct tells me you'll benefit from it. Show it to nobody."

I nod. "Of course. Thank you."

"I look forward to seeing what you achieve here, Maddy. "

"You saw me freeze myself into a trench and then black out today," I say. "No bear and out-of-control magic. I thought you were going to tell me that I am a failure, that I had to leave."

"I don't know if you'll fail, but I do know that if you do, it will be more spectacular than we've seen before." Her eyes are glinting when she says it, and I'm not sure how to take her words. Does she believe in me?

"Do you think my family are still here?" I can't help asking again, whatever she just said about forgetting my past. My sister needs to know that the blackouts aren't fatal.

"I doubt it. And besides, you're not supposed to interact with them. The idea of Valkyrie training is that you're isolated."

"Then why did you invite them here?" The words leave my lips without me thinking, and I redden. "Sorry, hersir ."

"Sigrun," she corrects me, giving me a wry look. "There is no point asking them if they knew. They will lie to you if they did."

She's right. Of course she's right.

"Now, I have to be elsewhere. Work on your studies, work on your training. Do not get distracted. And Maddy?"

"Yes?"

"Do not let Kain the Ruinous destroy your chances of becoming what you have the potential to be."

I bite the inside of my cheek. My instinct is to defend him, but sense tells me not to. Instead, I leap on my last chance to learn something from her.

"Do you know how I can summon my bear? Or keep her here if she comes?"

She laughs. "Madivia, I don't even know how she acted without you. All I know is that this is ancient magic, older than I am."

"But there were no Valkyrie before you. How can it be older than you?"

"There is war coming, and it is with creatures that are also older than the Valkyrie. The Giants have been in our world since the first dawn. It's about time the gods leveled the odds."

I swallow. "And you really think they're starting with me?"

"Featherblade holds great power. Find it. Use it. Become who you are meant to be and we will find out."