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69. Chapter Sixty-Nine

I wasn’t too concerned when Kieran’s raven showed up at my window later that night, in lieu of the guardsman himself.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart - I can’t come over tonight. There’s some shit I have to deal with for work… I could be pretty busy over the next few days. Be good. I’ll come find you as soon as I can.

Yawning, I scribbled back.

Miss you already.

Be safe, Sir.

His reply was instantaneous, and I felt my heart flutter over three simple words.

Only for you.

I ran my fingertips over the words, memorizing the indentations of his quill strokes against the parchment, relishing in what was left unspoken behind them.

Despite a glaring lack of warmth beside me that night, I fell easily into a dreamless sleep.

The second day was fine.

The third day was harder.

By the fourth day, I was starting to lose my mind. Kieran’s responses to my messages were growing shorter, more clipped—when they even came at all.

I told myself to trust him. I fought against every insecure urge to go out looking for him around headquarters, just to check in and make sure he was okay. Because if he wasn’t, he would tell me. If he couldn’t, somehow—Hans or Jeremiah surely would. Kieran was fine, I kept reminding myself. He was the fucking Scouting amp; Reconnaissance Captain of the godsdamned Elder Guard. He could fend for himself. He was just busy.

That deep ache that I felt in his absence was haunting, but that was just… to be expected, right? Kieran and I had spent nearly two weeks straight together, only having parted for a few hours at a time. Prior to that, we had been through a near-death experience together. It was fair that I felt so attached… It was normal to miss him so badly that it hurt.

It was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

I slept like shit by the fifth day of Kieran’s absence, tossing and turning fitfully. He hadn’t said goodnight the night prior, and there were no messages waiting for me at my window. My confidence was beginning to unravel as I replayed our last night together, picking myself apart. Over-analyzing everything I said. Everything we did. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that this was somehow my fault.

I had tried to hide my feelings for him, I really had—but I had also lapped up every ounce of affection he ever gave me, and fuck, it must have been so obvious.

Did I scare him away? Did I disappoint him somehow? Was this all in my head?

Determined to get a grip, I swallowed my pride and summoned my sprite.

Are you avoiding me, Kieran?

I waited for over an hour. No response.

I’m sorry if I sound pathetic right now, K, but it feels like something is wrong. If you’re getting these, can you at least let me know that you’re okay?

That we’re okay?

I tried to disregard the way my hands trembled once his sprite appeared, thirty minutes later. I unfurled a scrap bit of parchment and a response that left me gutted.

I’m fine.

Logically, I knew that I was reading into this.

Kieran was a fucking upper-ranking leader, in an elite military force, that defended the largest godsdamned city in Atlas. While I had been spoiled with his uninterrupted attention for quite some time now, it was statistically impossible for him to be so constantly, readily available. He had more important things to do than keep me entertained, well-fucked, and emotionally comfortable. And he had every right to the space that he was currently taking.

I just wished that it hadn’t been so abrupt.

Because in chasing the high that Kieran provided, I had been exploring the summits of my own bliss. My capacity for happiness, comfort, and confidence had been soaring to new heights, leaving certain doubts and wounds of mine behind in the valleys below. Because I had felt so safe. I had been climbing so recklessly, so fearlessly, that I hadn’t stopped to think about what happened once I reached the pinnacle of it all.

And here I was, teetering dangerously on the edge of the world. Ready to fall.

Breathe, Arken.

I did my best. I managed to lose myself in my studies for a few hours, channeling all of my irrationalities into practicing my arcana in the privacy of my apartment. I always felt some semblance of relief whenever I let myself channel the Resonances that I normally kept hidden. Light was still my most comfortable, the most familiar—but playing with the others was like releasing a pressure valve in my chest.

And so I had resorted to the basics, summoning each element in their most base forms—little orbs of Light, Shadow, Fire, Air, Water and Earth, and I sent them drifting through the air above me as I laid in bed. I let myself indulge in delusions of grandeur like I used to as a child, pretending to be the master of the universe, graced with such powers of creation.

That had always been my favorite flavor of escapism—the fantasy that my hidden Resonances weren’t a problem, but rather, a gift. That I wasn’t broken or dangerous, I was special. The older I got, the harder it became to untether from the truths of reality. But as I crafted my own little constellations of aether in my room, I could almost remember what it had felt like, all those years ago.

That had been sorely needed.

I really didn’t think I was up for the idea of going out tonight.

I hadn’t slept for longer than an hour or two, I was dehydrated, and couldn’t recall the last time I had eaten a full meal. Mixing my misery with the company of strangers, alcohol, and a hit or miss lineup of evening entertainment sounded like a slog—whether or not I had promised my friends I would be there. I knew that they would fight me on it, but that didn’t stop me from attempting to send off a weak excuse to stay home. I should have known they wouldn’t even bother to reply via mail sprite. Less than an hour later, Sienna Makar was about ready to kick my door down.

Fuck.

When I finally gave in and opened the door, both of their faces fell.

“Oh, honey. What happened?” Laurel asked.

Sia was a bit more blunt, speaking over her. “I’m going to kill him.”

A morbid burst of laughter escaped me despite myself, and, begrudgingly, I let my friends inside. It wasn’t even seven yet, so I wandered towards the kitchen to put the tea kettle on, releasing a heavy sigh and waving for them to follow.

“I just don’t get it,” I repeated for what had to have been the tenth time in the conversation, pacing back and forth like a woman possessed.

I had spent the last half hour, at least, trying to verbally sort through this strange silence that had fallen between Kieran and I. Laurel and Sienna exchanged a look, the pair sitting cross-legged on my bed.

“I mean, am I crazy? Is this on me? Am I expecting too much here?”

Sia looked like she was about ready to smack me upside the head.

“You spent what, like nine? Ten days riding him non-stop, and then the man disappears into thin air? For five days straight? You’re not crazy. I’m surprised you haven’t burned down their damn headquarters by now. I would’ve.”

I slumped into the corner of my bedroom, staring at the wall and starting to feel like shit for subjecting my friends to this pity party.

“Not to be the irritating voice of reason here or anything, Ark,” Laurel said softly, treading carefully. “But have you considered that there’s a chance he isn’t lying? He’s a pretty high-ranking officer of the Elder Guard…”

As she trailed off, I heard what she left unsaid. What I hadn’t really considered, having been stuck in my own selfishness, stuck in my own feelings.

People in Atlas were disappearing.

Even Sia seemed to blink a few times with unexpected clarity, neither of us expecting Laurel to be the more level-headed one between the three of us… but I mean, of course she would be in this circumstance.

“Nah, that’s a good point, Laur,” I said, exhaling heavily. “Maybe I just need to give him some space.”

“Clearly, there is only one solution here,” Sia said, standing up and dusting off her thighs with a determined look on her face. “We are going to go out, and we are going to get your mind off this shit. We are going to have fun. And we are going to look hot.”

Sia’s smile took a turn for the devious.

“And we are going to get you very drunk tonight, lightweight.”

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