18. Chapter Eighteen

I spent the next few days absolutely losing myself to my vices.

I could not get that godsdamned woman out of my head, and that was… exceptionally unlike me. It was so unnerving that I felt like I could crawl out of my skin every time that she crossed my mind, and I found myself taking a different person to bed every night just to attempt to drown her out.

By the time a week had passed, I was starting to get bored. All of the hedonism had grown excessive, and truthfully? I just needed a break. That was also unlike me, but in all fairness, I also typically paced myself a little better when it came to sleeping around.

The worst part? It didn’t even fucking work.

Shadow is a constant. I find that more comforting than unsettling.

Even though I had gone well out of my way to avoid bumping into her again, I was quickly finding that Arken was haunting me more in her absence than her presence. Her voice echoed through my mind at the most inconvenient times. Including when I was sleeping around.

What the fuck is it about her? Why her, Kieran?

I didn’t have a good answer to that.

I was starting to think that maybe I should just invite Arken to bed and get it over with. I could deal with one potentially-scorned-ex-fling leading the House of Light amp; Shadow one day. I already had the Lord of Embers ready to slit my throat, what was one more regret?

It wouldn’t be a hard sell. She would say yes. I knew she was just as attracted to me as I was to her, and not just because I was a cocky bastard—though I was that, too. But rather because of how she reacted to me, physically.

When seduction becomes a game, you learn how to pick up on those kinds of cues, and she’d given me plenty of them. So why was it that I couldn’t bring myself to seek her out and play the game?

Because she wouldn’t put up with your shit the next day, and you’d have to hurt her just to keep her away.

Yeah, basically.

I wasn’t in the business of breaking hearts—I didn’t let anyone even remotely close enough for that to become a problem. But even still, plenty of people conflate sex with attachment, and I’d been an asshole to one too many men and women who had pushed the envelope. I’d been brutal on those who had dared to ask more from me than just a night’s worth of distraction.

When my sexual exploits got the wrong idea, misinterpreting my adamant walls as some childish act of playing hard to get, I’d often have to make use of what was running through my veins alongside the blood and the aether.

Venom. Cruelty. Ruthlessness.

I didn’t particularly enjoy making use of those things… most of the time. But it was necessary. I would never be anybody’s lover, just a damn good night or two.

For reasons I couldn’t fully comprehend, I was violently opposed to ever doing that shit to Arken, though. The idea of tears in those pretty little golden doe eyes? Caused by me? Intentionally? It kinda made me sick to my stomach.

If I couldn’t push her away afterwards, I couldn’t fuck her. And when I was around her? I very much wanted to fuck her. But the premature guilt was already right there, ready to eat me alive if I even so much as kissed her.

Gods, I wanted to kiss her, though.

My subconscious was reeling at these stupid little thoughts every time they cropped up. I couldn’t believe I was seriously fantasizing over a kiss. What was I, fourteen?

Literally what the fuck is wrong with you?

I didn’t have enough time to go down that list, though. I had to get ready for work.

As I washed my face and got dressed, I reminded myself that I was doing the right thing in holding my ground. As unpleasant as the experience may be, the right thing to do here was to continue avoiding Arken like the damn plague, and to suffer about it in silence.

It was ultimately better for the both of us, because whether the Little Conduit enjoyed her time in the Shadows or not, she would not enjoy her time in mine.

There was nothing comforting about the beasts that hid within that darkness.

Even if I wasn’t a miserable son of a bitch, it was far too dangerous for me to want… what I wanted from her.

Everything. Anything.

Fucking Hel.

By the time I made it to my shift monitoring the Eastern Gates for the night, I was in a foul mood.

It must have been very clear in my expression, because most of my men gave me a pretty wide berth, asking questions and confirming post details, but not much more. That was probably for the best.

“Hey, Captain?”

One of the newer recruits, Grant Kraiggson, made his way over to me, blissfully ignorant of my current mood.

“Yeah?”

“It’s probably not important, but some dark-haired woman came up looking for you earlier this afternoon. Asked if any of us had seen you recently. We followed protocol, of course—didn’t give her any info. But does she sound familiar? Pale, maybe 5‘5, big brown eyes, uhh, kinda cute?”

I set my jaw to avoid a very irrational response to this poor kid, who was catching me on the worst night to receive this exact information. It wasn’t even jealousy that had me simmering, it was the crude description. Kinda cute?

Unless there was some other short, deliciously soft, doe-eyed woman I’d accidentally ensnared recently and didn’t know about, Grant had to be talking about Arken, and she went well beyond “kinda cute.”

She was so godsdamned hot that it had been ruining me for a week straight.

“She said her name was Arken. Anyway, just wanted to see if you knew her, and if you wanted us to tell her anything if she comes ‘round again. She seemed pretty intent on finding ya.”

I exhaled through my nose, unsure of what answer I wanted to give. A very stupid part of me—one that was most definitely thinking with the wrong head—was ecstatic that Arken had sought me out.

“If she comes back again, you can give her my schedule. But please report back if you do so. Immediately.”

Whether that was so that I could anticipate her, or change my schedule entirely to avoid her, I wasn’t sure yet.

“Yes, sir.”

He paused for a moment, expression obviously curious, but torn. Clearly debating whether or not the risk was worth the reward.

“If you’re about to ask me about her, I highly recommend that you reconsider. If you’d like your evening to remain pleasant, that is, Kraiggson.”

“Yes sir. Sorry, sir.”

I sighed.

“Get back to your post, please.”

I couldn’t sleep that night, and I really wasn’t in the mood to go out on the town and fish for another distraction, so it was just me and the tea kettle, screaming to ourselves at midnight.

For just a moment, I allowed myself to consider alternatives to this helscape of a situation I was in, forcing me to avoid one single woman like the plague. And somehow, struggling with that so much that I was driving myself insane.

Because the Fates were cruel bastards, and I would inevitably run into her again. If I didn’t sort myself out, there was no way I could keep my hands to myself the next time we crossed paths.

There was just no way.

I could seduce Arken and maybe let her stick around afterwards, keeping her at an arm’s length and avoiding any further depth to the relationship. But my instincts told me Arken was far too perceptive for that. She seemed like an emotional creature, and to ask her to follow my “no feelings” rule probably wouldn’t end well.

Yeah. She would inevitably call my bluff, and then I would have to be the asshole. The precise scenario I was trying to avoid.

I could keep sleeping around until I found someone else to obsess over, taking her place in my mind… but the odds of that were impossibly low, considering I had never felt like this before. Besides, I’d just be trading one problem for another.

You could just be her friend, you pervert.

I took a sip of tea and mulled it over in my head.

Though the initial thought wasn’t nearly as appealing as the idea of Arken tangled up in my sheets, it did offer its advantages.

I could have more than just one night. I could spend enough time with her to hopefully calm down and regain the ability to think about literally anything else. I could enjoy her company without fear of inevitably crushing her spirit. I could allow myself to be just a little less alone.

But all of these were inherently selfish reasons to seek out her friendship, and I didn’t even know what she wanted. She could very well have sought me out for something else entirely. She could be interested in the very same things that I was currently obsessing over the thought of.

Admittedly, I liked the idea of her wanting me like that, problematic as it may be for this plan. I also liked the idea of that mouth on my—

Get ahold of yourself, Kieran.

I groaned inwardly at my inability to stop finding every excuse to picture her naked. Among other things.

I was a degenerate, but even I understood that she was so much more than something to screw.

Arken was charming and charismatic and smart—smarter than me, that’s for damn sure. Beyond the book smarts, she was clever and intuitive, never taking things at face value.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, she seemed to enjoy my company. She even came by looking for me.

I had to ignore the warmth that bloomed in my chest, and the distant feeling that was reminding me that I had skipped the alternative that I probably wanted most. I downed what remained of my tea for the night and shook it off. That was an impossibility. There was no use wasting time wanting what I couldn’t ever have.

We could be friends, though…

I was still mulling it over. Even a friendship with her was not without its risks for both of us.

Was it worth it?