CHAPTER 25

Artemis

I was embarrassed. It wasn’t helping to improve my mood, but it was certainly helping me remember that I was better than this, that I couldn’t allow myself to fall into the same trauma trap I had in the past, and that the people here did not deserve such mistreatment from me.

In all honestly, there hadn’t been a great many people to show me any level of kindness throughout my life. I’d had Libby in The Program. I’d had T and his crew to help me escape, but other than that I was utterly and completely alone. No one else had cared. Even after I’d escaped, the only thing I’d received from T was a change in plans through a letter. He wasn’t coming with me like we’d planned. He wasn’t going to help me integrate into society. He told me where to pick up the documents he’d ordered to complete my alias, and whom to contact if I needed assistance, but he hadn’t followed through the way he’d said he would.

That left Libby, and since I’d abandoned her to an unfathomable fate when I’d escaped without her, I was riddled with even more guilt. We were supposed to do this together. Live our lives, find happiness, be free . It was supposed to be the two of us against everything else, and we were going to laugh in everyone’s faces and win .

But it didn’t work out that way, and here I was, trying to find my way back. I knew when I managed it that they would all be so very mad with me. I had found my way to freedom, but what they didn’t understand, even Libby, was that there was no freedom without her. She was my family, my life, my reason to keep on fighting.

Without her, I’d be nothing.

Was that why I was having such as adverse reaction to everything now? Why I was pushing back so hard against forming genuine friendships, because I’d already betrayed the only person that had ever meant anything to me?

No, I had to stop thinking like that. I needed to keep my eye on the goal and follow through. Neither T nor any of his friends had contacted me since my escape two years ago, which meant that they were either dead or they had yet to succeed in another escape plan.

Regardless, it meant I had to get back there. I would take it all if it meant she’d never have to suffer again. All the needles and the scalpels, the serums, the grafting, the implants, the tranquilisers and the restraints. I would let them have my body to do with as they pleased so long as she never had to be subjected to it ever again.

I never should have left her behind.

And that was the crux of it. My own guilt. My own failures. I was not to be trusted as a friend if I couldn’t even keep the most important person in my life safe. From them or from me.

I still struggled to comprehend how I had abandoned her to that fate. They had been discussing a breeding program that intensified our urgency to get out. It was what had triggered T and those other guards to help us escape. We were going to be violated in a whole new way, a way even they couldn’t stand by and accept.

Did she have a child now? More than one? Did she finally get the chance to feel the touch of a man, or did they simply extract her eggs and their semen and mash them together to make a baby they could grow in a jar?

Would they have allowed her to be their mother?

Were they hurting the children too…?

The questions and the guilt swirled into a tangled mass inside my brain, and I struggled to untangle it all. It got so overwhelming to try that I covered my head with my arms, curled up into a ball on the floor and just screamed.

And screamed .

And screamed some more.

I bellowed and screeched as loud as I could until my throat became so raw my voice started breaking. And then I kept going until I had no voice at all, my mouth open and my face scrunched up into a silent scream.

That was how she found me.

I didn’t realise I started shouting at her, giving up all my secrets until it was too late. She sat there, stunned speechless as she held me. She rocked me slowly, refusing to let go and I held on to her just as tightly. I think it may have been a bit too tight because I noticed her wince when I finally calmed down enough to take in my surroundings.

‘Ssh. It’s okay. I’ve got you. Let it out. I’m here. I’ve got you,’ she was whispered into my hair.

I couldn’t say how long we sat like that, rocking back and forth in each other’s arms on the floor. The captain came in at one point, took one look at us and walked right back out again, though I was barely coherent enough to notice.

When my arms went limp and I finally released her, she got up and came back with a cup of water. I downed it, relishing in the coolness as it soothed my overused vocal cords. A moment later the nanites finished their job and I was back to normal again.

‘You’ve been through some shit, huh?’ It wasn’t a question.

I could only nod.

‘Who’s Libby?’

‘My best friend,’ I said, my voice incapable of anything more than a whisper for so many reasons.

‘Why did you leave her behind?’ she asked, and the tears started back up again, streaming down my cheeks as I silently cried.

‘We got caught. We were fighting them off. They took her down, so she told me to leave without her. I never should have left without her…’ I choked out through a body-wracking sob.

‘That’s not your fault, Artemis,’ she said, but I wasn’t hearing her.

‘It was my choice,’ was all I said.

‘It was her choice, too.’

‘No.’

‘Yes, Art- ‘

‘No . I should never have left her there alone. I betrayed her.’

‘But is she alone? You mentioned someone… D?’

I sniffed. ‘T.’

‘He helped you escape?’

I nodded.

‘Then he stayed behind to be with her?’

I nodded again.

‘Then you didn’t leave her alone.’

‘But she’s still in there, Addy. She’s still in there and I have to get her out.’

Something clicked for her then, a light shining behind her eyes. ‘That’s why you’re here, masquerading as a boy? You’re trying to get back to her so you can get her out?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why here?’

‘I overheard… some bad people talk about how they’re using Nova Academy and a few others as recruiting grounds.’

Her voice was breathy when she spoke aloud the implications of that fact. ‘Recruiting grounds? For what?’

My only answer was to shake my head.

She sucked in a shallow breath, something else clicking for her. ‘We have a mole.’

‘You have multiple moles,’ I corrected.

‘Xander needs to know about this.’

My head snapped up at that, sheer panic writhing through my veins. ‘No! Addy, you can’t tell anyone. Promise me you won’t! Please .’

‘Artemis… ’

‘No, Addy. I’ve come so far and I’m so close. I’ve already caught their attention and I have a plan. If you tell the captain, it’ll destroy everything I’ve worked for. I’ll never get back to Libby. Please, please , I am begging you, don’t tell anyone .’

She didn’t look convinced, but I relaxed at her slow nod. ‘Okay. But only when it’s still safe for you. If you’re in trouble I’m telling him.’

That pulled me up short. ‘What?’

‘Xander is a good man. He’s the kind of good that will follow his moral compass even when others try to convince him he’s wrong. It’s why The Carina’s crew has been demoted to instructing at Nova Academy. They’re trying to keep us out of the way, because we’d all follow him even if he went rogue. But that’s neither here nor there… My point is that he’s a good man and will go to the ends of the earth to protect those that need it.’

‘Then all the more reason why we can’t tell him. Adara, this is dangerous. More dangerous than you could possibly know. You don’t know what they’re capable of. If you’re caught, it’s a fate worse than death. I shouldn’t have even told you anything because it puts you at risk- ‘

‘You should have told me sooner,’ she interrupted. ‘I want to help you Artemis. This is bigger than I thought. I suspected you had a difficult upbringing, maybe in cult or something, but this, whatever you’ve survived, it’s clearly evil. You shouldn’t have to be alone in this. You’re not alone. Not anymore.’

But I was already shaking my head no. ‘I’m serious Addy. You can’t get involved.’

‘Arty, I’m here and I know. Just let me help.’

‘No.’

‘It’s too late, I’m already involved.’

‘No.’

‘I’m helping whether you like it or- ‘

‘ I won’t lose you too!’ I screamed in her face .

She shut up then. Finally, blissfully quiet.

‘I can’t lose anyone else, Addy,’ my voice cracked, but I pushed on. ‘I care about you too much. You’ve been a true friend to me in such a short time, and I won’t put you in danger. So no. You won’t be helping me. You won’t be getting involved. You won’t tell a soul. Do you understand me?’

Her arms came around me then, tucking me into an embrace that was both a comfort and a source of pain. But I hugged her back, needing that physical connection, needing to feel that she was okay, that she was safe.

That I was okay, that I was safe.

‘Please,’ I whispered.

‘Okay,’ she replied in an equally small voice. ‘Okay, I won’t get involved. Not like that. But I will still help you.’

I pulled back. ‘Addy…’

‘No, you had your turn to speak and now it’s mine, so listen up. You are my friend. You need help. I am on your side and I’m not going anywhere so you’ll just have to deal with it. I can respect your need to keep me safe, but I won’t let you do this on your own, so you can either tell me how I can help or I’ll find a way to do it behind your back. The choice is yours.’

I thought about it for a minute, allowing the sensation of having someone in my corner again to wash over me and warm me in a way I hadn’t felt since Libby. I could see it in her eyes, though. That stubborn determination. I messed up by telling her as much as I had, putting another person I cared about at risk.

But it was done and I couldn’t take it back. And I believed her when she said she wasn’t going away, so there was really only on path forwards that I was even remotely willing to accept.

‘You promise you won’t tell the captain?’

She pursed her lips as she frowned, but I could see she would agree. ‘I don’t like keeping things from him, but if it’s what I need to do to keep you and him and everyone on this ship safe, then… Okay. For now.’

‘Thank you,’ I breathed out, understanding that was the most I could ask of her.

She stood up, pulling me with her. ‘Come on. You should eat something and then get some sleep. All that screaming and crying and trauma dumping must have been exhausting .’

I laughed weakly at that. She wasn’t wrong.

I followed her into the kitchen where a selection of food already lay waiting on the counter. I chewed on some meat and vegetables, my taste buds finally starting to come back online again with my other senses. And then I let the tiny woman that had forced her way into my heart lead me into the spare bedroom where we climbed into bed together. She held me, singing a soft lullaby as I slowly drifted off to sleep.