Chapter 18

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ADAM

ADAM HAD to brace himself against the bathroom doorway.

What. The. Fuck . That was his dad's voice. On John's phone.

His chest heaved, but he couldn't seem to get enough air. His vision began to darken around the edges, and his heartbeat sounded too loud in his ears.

"Adam," John gasped.

John moved, but it was all a blur. The next thing Adam knew, he was sitting in John's chair with his head between his knees, John's hand resting lightly between his shoulder blades.

"That's it, baby," John murmured, rubbing his back. "Just breathe."

It took several minutes, but Adam finally caught his breath. He slowly sat up, having to stop halfway when a fresh wave of dizziness washed over him. John steadied him before he could topple right out of the chair. Once Adam regained his focus, he straightened up the rest of the way and swallowed hard as he glanced from John to the phone and back.

A tiny whimper escaped him. "J-John–"

"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to play that, I swear. Christ. I didn't even know it would play."

Adam frowned. "What do you mean?"

John scrubbed a hand over his face. "Cell providers usually dump voicemail messages after so much time, but for whatever reason, this one is still there." He gestured at his phone, lying on his desk. Somehow, it seemed to be the only thing in the room, like a spotlight blared down on it, turning everything else dark and invisible.

"Wh-Why do you still have a message from my dad?" Adam asked.

John opened his mouth, then let out a sigh and shook his head. Instead of answering with words, he picked up his phone, unlocked the screen, and held it out.

Adam took it with shaking hands. He saw his own voicemail listed there from earlier that day, and just above it was one labeled Frank Barnes . Adam clenched his jaw, fighting tears at the sight of his dad's name, then blinked rapidly when the timestamp caught his eye.

"Shit," Adam choked out, nearly dropping the phone. His breath felt stuck in his throat as he stared at the screen. Adam coughed, then sucked in a ragged gasp. "This is from the day before he died."

John slowly nodded. "The day after you snuck into my room."

Adam's lip trembled, and it took him a long moment before he could ask, "What did he say?"

"I have no idea," John replied. "I've never listened to it."

"What? Why?"

"The same reason I didn't answer when he called," John said with a grimace, gesturing at the phone. "I saw his name and all I could think was that he was calling to say he was pressing charges or something."

Adam winced. "Because he thought you seduced me rather than the other way around."

"Yeah." John ran a hand back through his hair. "I couldn't bear to hear him say that he didn't trust me or didn't believe my side of the story. Not that I ever gave him my side. And that's what really kills me. That's what eats me up inside. I never faced him. Never told him what really happened that night. I respected the hell out of that man, and his last thoughts of me were that I'd tried to hurt you because I didn't take the opportunity to convince him otherwise." John sighed. "I'm not sure I could have convinced him, anyway, considering how close I came to giving in to temptation. I very nearly deserved his anger. Too nearly. I came this close to taking you."

Adam choked out a sob as tears suddenly rushed down his cheeks. "And I was too stupid to explain it to him right."

"Hey," John said, his voice quiet but firm. "You are not stupid. Don't you ever say that. You were upset, and nobody really speaks clearly when they're upset. And your dad, being a dad, probably heard as far as the mention of my bed and didn't hear anything after that."

"Yeah, maybe," Adam conceded, trying to wipe away his tears even as more fell.

John pulled out a handkerchief and blotted Adam's face. He sat back on his heels, eyeing the phone, then took a deep breath. "You can listen to it if you want. Just…maybe wait until I'm out of the room."

Adam looked down at the phone, the screen now dark. He considered it. Listening to his dad's voicemail greeting wasn't enough. Yes, it was his dad's voice, but it was the man's business voice. The chipper one he'd used for greeting customers, tenants, and associates. It didn't have his deep laugh or his slight drawl or any emotional inflection whatsoever.

But if this voicemail was what John suspected it might be, Adam wasn't sure he wanted to hear that, either.

Adam pushed the phone away and shook his head. "I don't want to hear him angry," he gasped. "I don't want to remember him that way."

"Okay," John agreed, taking his hands. "That's okay."

Adam let out a shuddering breath. "How come you've never deleted it if you don't want to listen to it?"

A hint of color rose up on John's cheeks. "I know I'll regret it. Having never known what his final words were to me. Yet I still can't seem to make myself listen to it." John shook his head. "Deep down, I know it's all irrelevant now, considering how much time has passed and the fact that he's not here anymore. But, still…" John shrugged.

"No, I get it," Adam said. "Just like I can't let go of Dad's stuff, yet I can't bear to look through it all, either."

Though he knew he needed to do so. Adam couldn't believe what a difference it had made, just going through his kitchen and boxing up things he didn't want or need. Clearing out all that physical space had felt like clearing out a big chunk of the noise inside his head. Even knowing he'd be alone in the apartment now that Haven was moving out, he almost couldn't wait to get back home. He wasn't ready to touch that third bedroom yet, but the rest of the apartment?

Adam was eager to keep going. He already had a mental list of things to get rid of and he couldn't wait to get them into boxes.

Before either he or John could say anything, a tentative knock sounded on the door.

" You guys decent in there? " Theo called.

Adam barked a laugh, and John turned bright red. While John put his phone away and went back to fussily tidying his desk, Adam wiped his cheeks, got up, and went to open the door. "That depends," he said once he had the door standing wide. "I mean, if you guys are into voyeurism…"

Haven blushed, Theo laughed, and John turned impossibly redder.

"Come on," Adam said to John as he gestured at the other two. "You just know they've christened the tasting room. I'd almost bet my life on it. In fact, I'm guessing that's how Theo managed to forget his wallet last night."

Theo and Haven shared a look, and the latter shyly muttered, "No comment."

"You ready to go?" Theo asked Adam. "John? You're welcome to join us."

John cleared his throat and shook his head. "I just ate, but thanks."

Adam's phone beeped with a notification for a new text message. He held up a finger and pulled the phone from his pocket. The lockscreen showed a preview of a message from Trevor. Adam opened the text and blinked dumbly at the single word.

Trevor : MOTHERFUCKER

The hell? Adam quickly texted him back.

Me : What's wrong?

Trevor : They canceled the tour!

Another message came through, a long string of crying face emojis, followed by a clarification that the Florida show was out.

Me : Shit, dude! I'm so sorry.

"Baby?" John asked. "You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Adam gestured with his phone. "Sorry. It's Trev. They were supposed to open for a big-name band, but apparently the tour got canceled."

While everyone made noises of commiseration, another message came through.

Trevor : So I guess that means we're open for the wedding, if you still want us.

Adam sucked in a breath and bit his lip.

Me : You sure? Now it sounds like a big step down from where you guys were heading.

Trevor : Yeah, kinda. But our schedule's full, otherwise, and I don't wanna break our momentum with a big gap, so we'll take it. Assuming it's still available?

"Oh my god," Adam gasped. "Oh my god. Oh my god."

"What?" everyone seemed to ask at once.

"Singing. The band. I mean, the wedding." He knew he was babbling nonsense, but he couldn't help it. "I need to ask Everett and Morgan…Holy shit."

"Everett's in his office," Theo pointed out.

Adam gasped. "Be right back!" He bolted out the door without waiting for a response. Adam ran across the vineyard and flew into the tasting room, which was closed for business that day, but it was attached to the winery offices. He found Everett at his desk and lurched to a stop.

"Everett?"

The man looked up. "Hey, Adam." He quickly glanced around. "Everything okay? Where's John?"

Adam waved a hand as he caught his breath. "Is there any chance you still need a band for the wedding?"

Everett sat back in his chair and tossed down a pen. "Yeah, actually. We're striking out all over the place. It seems like everyone we call is already booked."

Adam sucked in a breath, his hands shaking as he called Trevor.

" What's up? " Trevor answered.

"Hey, you're on speaker," Adam told him. "Trev, meet Everett. Everett, Trevor. He's the leader of my old band."

Adam set the phone on Everett's desk, then listened as the two men greeted one another and launched into a negotiation about performing at the wedding. They confirmed the date, settled on a price, then swapped email addresses so Trevor could write up a proposed playlist for the couple to approve.

When all was said and done, Adam couldn't hold still. He gushed a big thank you to Trevor, then threw his arms around Everett and promised him the performance would be epic before he sprinted back to John's office to share the good news.

He rode the high of that excitement all afternoon. Theo and Haven humored him all through lunch, even throwing out song suggestions. The conversation continued when they got to Theo's apartment and started hauling in Haven's things. That didn't take long, though. Haven's worldly possessions only amounted to a few boxes since he'd always been so frugal. It seemed they'd no sooner brought in the boxes than everything was unpacked and the boxes broken down.

But Adam would be able to use the boxes to pack up more stuff of his own. He was actually excited when he finally got back home. Even knowing he was alone—and would be so from now on—the loneliness took a back-burner to the energy coursing through him.

Adam picked out a playlist on his phone, cranked up the volume, and sang along as he grabbed some empty boxes and went to tackle his bedroom.

With the playlist on shuffle, the first song that came up was "Stay" by Steve Grand. The upbeat song was just what he needed as he flung open his closet. Holy shit . He had way too many clothes. And so many of them he'd bought, yet never worn.

Adam shrugged, figuring those would be a good place to start. He yanked things off hangers, flinging them over his shoulder towards his bed. In the midst of that, "Stay" came to an end and Jeremy Renner's "Main Attraction" began to play. Adam nodded his head to the beat as he gathered up the empty hangers and dumped them in a box, then flipped through what clothes remained. He picked out a few things that no longer fit, as well as things he hadn't worn in years. A t-shirt so faded, the design was illegible. A jacket that he'd thought looked cool, but after only a few wears, decided the tight fit wasn't worth it. Then he found a sweater that was stretched out unevenly, one sleeve hanging longer than the other. They all joined the pile on the bed.

He paused when he came to John's shirt. It was one he'd stolen from the man back in Idaho, back before all hell broke loose. Adam had seen it sitting on a pile of John's laundry, snatched it up on a whim, and stuffed it into his backpack. Ever since then, he'd worn it to bed almost every night.

Which was why, after nine years, it looked like nothing more than an old rag. The fabric was threadbare, and the hems had long since given way. But two months ago, Adam had pulled it out of the dryer to find a huge new hole in the shoulder. So much so that the shirt was finally beyond repair. Adam hadn't been able to part with it even though he could no longer wear it: the shirt fell right off of him when he'd tried. So he'd put it on a hanger, using a paperclip to hold the shoulder together so it would actually stay, and shoved it to the back of his closet.

Adam's heart clenched as he carefully pulled it down. It was time to get rid of it. He walked it over to the bed and laid it out, fingering the fabric. A bittersweet smile took over his face. Maybe he'd just have to steal another one of John's shirts to wear to bed. The man sure did enjoy the sight of him that way. Nothing on but a shirt that was too big for him, just long enough to barely cover his ass, teasing his nakedness.

His bittersweet smile turned into a grin. Yep, definitely time for a new one . Adam let go of the old shirt, went back to his closet, and finished up there before turning to pick the next spot to tackle.

As Adam headed for his dresser, "Everything" by Lifehouse began to play. Adam sighed as a swell of emotion punched him right in the chest. He'd always loved this song. Even though it brought the energy way down, he still couldn't help singing along.

He made a mental note to mention this one to Trevor as a potential candidate for the wedding playlist.

For that matter, he really needed to call Trevor again so they could figure out a rehearsal schedule. That whole process had been rushed for their show over Christmas. With Adam jumping in at the last minute, they'd barely had two days to practice, to make sure they were still as in sync as they'd always been. Not to mention having to do a few key changes to match Adam's deeper voice.

Despite the tight time frame, they'd still managed to put on one hell of a show. But Adam wanted this to be perfect. He wanted Everett and Morgan's wedding to be everything they'd dreamed it would be.

Adam continued singing along to his playlist and sorting through his clothes. Then he had to go through the tedious process of actually folding the huge, messy pile so it could all be neatly packed into boxes. But once he started hauling those boxes out to the dining room and saw just how much space he'd cleared up, he couldn't help grinning. It felt so damned good!

He picked up the last box, singing along to "Glitter & Gold" by Barns Courtney as he made the trip back to the dining room, trying to decide what space to tackle next. Adam dropped the box when he rounded the corner and nearly ran right into John.

"Holy shit!" Adam gasped with a laugh, pressing a hand to his chest. "I didn't hear you come in. Wait. What time is it?"

Before John could even answer, Adam's stomach growled, telling him it was definitely later than he realized.

"After six," John confirmed, then eyed the growing pile of boxes. "You've been busy."

"Yeah." Adam grinned as he picked up the box he'd dropped and added it to one of the stacks. "I mean, I've barely made a dent, all things considered, but it still feels really good." He paused. "I guess that's one benefit to Haven moving out. I can use his room as a staging ground once I start going through Dad's things."

His voice tapered off to something between a murmur and a whisper at the end, but at least he managed to say it without breaking down.

"Although," he added with a laugh, turning back towards the hallway and gesturing for John to follow. He ducked into his room to silence his phone, then continued on to the next bedroom. "I'll have to decide what to do with all the stuff in there, first." The door to Haven's old bedroom stood ajar, but Adam pushed it wide open and waved a hand at the space.

It didn't look all that different. Haven's clothes were gone, so the closet and dresser were empty, but the dresser itself remained, as did the bed and the nightstands.

John frowned. "I thought he was moving everything out today."

"Oh, he did. He didn't have any furniture of his own when he moved in with me, so I hauled these out of storage for him to use." Adam pointed at the bed. "These were all from the guest bedroom in Dad's house. Sheets and all. Even the lamps. Hell. Come to think of it, I've never had to buy furniture because everything here is from Dad's house. Except my bed. The old twin mattress wasn't cutting it anymore, so I bought that queen bed a few years ago. I guess I could have used my dad's old bed, but something about that just…" He shuddered.

"Yeah," John said in agreement, his mouth twisting in a wry smile.

Adam breathed a laugh. As hard as it had been for John to sleep in Adam's bed over the weekend, he could only imagine the man's reaction if it had been his dad's bed instead.

"I saw your car out front," John said, changing the subject.

"Oh." Adam tensed. "Yeah. I had Theo drop me off to get it on the way back here. I mean, I still don't trust myself, but I didn't want to deal with getting a citation and then having it get impounded or something. So…" Adam gasped and pushed past John, heading back for the entryway. He found his car keys and shoved them into John's hands. "Here."

John slowly took the keys, then stuffed them into his pocket, freeing his hands to cup Adam's face as he leaned down and looked him right in the eyes. "I am so proud of you. You know that?"

Then John moved in, only pausing for a moment to glance at the corners of the room before he closed the distance between them and gave Adam a kiss.

Adam sighed as he kissed John back. He had no idea how long it was going to take John to stop looking for his dad's ghost, but he supposed this was progress.

Maybe they'd actually get through this together.