Chapter Ten

J erking her hands away from him, she scooted back along the bench a little. ‘Are you saying you broke up with Susie because of me?'

Tim frowned. ‘Yes, it was only fair to her.'

‘Wait, wait.' She took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the cool sea air. None of this made any sense. Any sense whatsoever. ‘You broke up shortly after my marriage failed. Please don't tell me you broke up with Susie then to try to get with me?'

Tim looked down at the ground and kicked a small stone by his feet, watching it skid across the slabs.

‘All the support you gave me, the late-night ice cream runs, the chats which went on for hours. I thought you were supporting me.' She clasped her hands in her lap.

‘I was. I was supporting you.'

‘No, you were trying to get closer to me.' Standing up, Erin backed away from him. She felt as though she didn't know him anymore. One moment he had been her best friend, the person she thought she knew and loved more than anyone in the whole world, and now he was a stranger. Someone she didn't know at all.

‘Erin, please let me explain. There's so much more to it than it sounds.' Tim stood up and took a step towards her.

‘No, no. Don't. I need to go. I need to try to...' She didn't even know what she was supposed to do - think things through? What? She turned on her heels and half-ran, half-walked down the hill, unsure of where she was going to go. She'd always gone straight to Tim if she'd needed to think. Talking things through with him had always made everything so much clearer for her and, yet now, she couldn't do that. He'd taken that away. Quite possibly forever.

She glanced quickly over her shoulder, relieved to see that he wasn't following, relieved to see he'd sat back down, leaving her be.

Picking up her pace, she ran across the promenade at the bottom of the hill and down the ramp, her sandals sinking into the sand below. How could he have done this to her? Pushed her away, said what he had, knowing that it would end their friendship.

She walked across to the water's edge and began following it, taking step after step, the waves lapping beside her as the tide came inland. Even if they spoke again, tried to sort things out, nothing would ever be the same. She'd always have that little voice in the back of her mind reminding her that he might only be acting like her friend because he wanted more. How could she accept that?

But if she didn't have Tim, then she was alone. She sank to the floor, unaware of the seawater seeping through her dress, not caring about the dog walkers crossing the sand, watching her with apprehension.

Yes, she had friends, colleagues, acquaintances, but no one like Tim. Tim was her world.

She snaked her forefinger through the damp sand, the slight indentation quickly filling again with seawater, reclaimed by the ocean.

What was she supposed to do now? What did she do with that information? What had Tim expected her to do? To jump into his arms and announce her undying love for him? To tell him she felt the same? Always had?

Well, she couldn't. She just couldn't. Tim had been living a lie, but for how long? Had he had feelings for her when he was with Susie? When Erin had been married to Kyle? He wouldn't have done that, not to Susie. He wouldn't have, would he?

She shuddered. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

She looked down at her wet dress, as if suddenly realising where she was. Pushing her palms against the wet sand, she pushed herself to standing. She should get back to the bakery. She needed a shower and her bed. Time to think, or else at least to clear her head.

With each step she took as she walked across the sand towards the ramp leading up to the promenade, another question came to her. More confusion. Too much had gone unsaid. Now and in the previous months, or years. That was it, she just didn't know.

Erin walked up the ramp before stepping onto the cobbles and digging her hands in her pockets, searching for the key to the bakery.

‘Erin.'

Jerking her head up, she sighed with relief as she was met with Ian's kind smile. As he stood on the promenade in front of her, he inched Bonnie's pram forwards and backwards in front of him. ‘Hi.'

‘Would you like to join us? Poor little Bonnie here, is struggling to get to sleep, which of course was having a knock-on effect with getting Hudson to bed, so we decided to take a little wander, see if a bit of sea air would help calm her down.' He pulled a pale pink blanket down a little.

Peering into the pram, Erin couldn't help but smile. Bonnie's little eyes looked sleepy but with her hands rolled into tiny fists, she wasn't ready to give in to sleep anytime soon by the looks of it. ‘Yes, I'd like that. Very much. Thanks.'

‘Good, good. Our voices might just soothe Bonnie enough to send her to sleep.' He began walking again, pushing the pram in front of him, his voice low. ‘How was the quiz?'

‘Oh, I didn't stay.' Erin glanced down at the skirt of her dress, covered in sand and seawater. He must have noticed, but she was grateful he hadn't mentioned it.

‘No?'

‘I enjoyed the quiz but...' She glanced across at him before focusing on the lighthouse at the far end of the bay. Should she tell him what had happened? What Tim had revealed to her? He wasn't asking, but it might be good to share. She took a deep breath before her words came tumbling out. ‘I found out that Tim, who has been my best friend since we were in school together, has feelings for me.'

Ian paused, pushing the pram back and forth before starting to walk again. ‘Is that such a bad thing?' His question was simple.

‘Yes, of course it is. We're supposed to be friends. The best of friends. We're always there for each other, ready to pick the other up from a messy breakup, a lost promotion, a spilt coffee mug, everything. And now I find out he's been lying to me about how he's felt. How am I supposed to ever trust him again?'

Ian shushed as Bonnie's eyelids dipped before speaking again, his voice low. ‘He's told you now, though.'

‘After I don't know how long.' She undid her plait before raking her fingers through her hair and pulling it up into a messy bun. ‘He told me that's why he broke up with his ex, because he didn't want to lie to her and that was months ago. What if he's felt like this longer? What if our whole friendship was based on that lie? That he was only friends with me to get close to me?'

‘Maybe you need to ask him how long he's had these feelings.'

‘I know.' She felt sick. She didn't even know if she wanted the answer.

‘But if he split up from his ex because of how he felt, well, that might have been a decent thing to do. It would be worse if he'd continued in his relationship and loved the wrong woman.'

She nodded. It would have been. At least he'd only lied to her and not to Susie, too. At least he hadn't continued his relationship based on a lie. Unless, of course, he'd felt this way towards her for longer. She shrugged. ‘I just don't know what to do, what to think. I thought I knew him and now it's as though he's a complete stranger.'

Ian paused and peered into the pram before looking at her again. ‘I think we may have done it. I think she might have finally drifted off.'

‘That's good.' Erin smiled sadly.

Ian looked at her. ‘How do you feel about him? As a friend or as potentially more?'

‘I...' She shook her head before answering weakly. ‘As a friend.'

Silence enveloped them as Ian began pushing the pram again.

Had she ever looked at him another way? Yes, they were close, super close. They hugged. She bit down on her bottom lip, remembering the hugs they shared, the little touches on each other's forearms, the looks he gave her and how she felt when she looked at him. The excitement she'd felt at coming down here to spend time with him, the butterflies in her stomach when she'd seen him outside the pub after spending three months apart. How much her chest hurt now when she thought about leaving him for America, when she thought about no longer having him in her life. ‘I don't know.'

Keeping his eyes ahead, Ian nodded towards the lighthouse. ‘I used to live there, before me and Elsie got together. I was the lighthouse keeper for the bay.'

Unsure of the reason for the change of conversation, she was grateful. ‘That must have been amazing.'

‘It was. And lonely. You see, I knew I wanted to be with Elsie from the moment I saw her a few minutes after setting foot in Penworth Bay. We had such an incredible spark between us, a love for each other which was so deep it almost hurt and that's when I knew that I'd do anything for her.'

‘You two seem perfect for each other.'

‘Thank you. But what I mean to say is, from that moment I knew that I'd do anything for her, even if it was keeping to my role as a friend. I look back now, and I see so many missed opportunities, so many lost years which we could have spent together as a couple, as lovers. But I was too afraid to admit how I felt to her.'

‘So, you think Tim's done the right thing by telling me how he feels? By not just letting us continue the friendship?'

‘All I know is that it took a collapsed roof and me almost losing my life for both me and Elsie to take the leap and admit how we felt about each other.' He looked at her, his pale blue eyes shining with tears. ‘I feel sick to the pit of my stomach when I think we may have lived out the rest of our lives living alongside each other as friends and not sharing what we have now.'

‘But she felt the same way.' She picked at a strand of cotton coming loose at the hem of her dress.

‘I think I would feel that way even if I'd spoken up and found she hadn't felt the same.'

Erin nodded. Maybe she shouldn't feel so angry with Tim then.

‘We were friends for almost forty years.'

‘Before you told each other how you felt?' Forty years? Erin blinked. She couldn't imagine keeping a secret like that for such a long time.

‘Tim is probably feeling as terrified right now as I felt when I finally felt it was time to admit my feelings to Elsie.'

‘You think I shouldn't be too hard on him?'

‘I don't mean to tell you how to feel or how to react to his news. What I would advise, though, is to dig deep and try to figure out what you feel for him. A missed opportunity in love is worse than taking a leap of faith, that's all.'

‘Right. That makes sense.' And it did. Ian was right. She could have so easily gone to Tim and told him how awful he was for ruining their friendship when really he was only being honest, he was only trying to fight for the love he felt towards her, all without knowing if she felt the same back.

‘Shall we go and have a hot chocolate?'

She smiled as they turned around, making their way back towards the bakery. ‘That sounds good. And thank you for listening and for your advice.'

‘Ay, don't go taking what I say as the gold standard. Remember, it took me decades to admit my true feelings towards the one I love.' Ian chuckled.