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43. Dax

Chapter forty-three

Dax

"You once joked, saying I'd probably end up finding someone better than you. But the truth is, pretty boy, without even wanting to look, I already know, no one will ever be better than you."

I wake up in darkness, hearing nothing but the sound of the wind breezing through the window that's opened slightly. I don't know how long I fell asleep for, but what I do know is, it's fucking freezing. Leaning to my side, I turn on the table lamp on the unit and take in the mess around me. My floor, from what I can see, is now covered with posters I'd ripped down from the walls, clothes I'd pulled from my drawers, records are now scattered between the mess. And all I can think of is how much it resembles my mind.

I feel a weight on the other side of the bed and for a moment, I panic, trying to remember what else I had broken but nothing comes to me. Turning slightly, I realise it's not an object, it's a person.

My sunshine, and he's sleeping quietly next to me.

He must have come over when I was asleep.

You really fucked up this time, didn't you, Dax?

I should be feeling happy that he's here. Happy he's next to me. But I don't. All I can feel is sadness and guilt. He should be with Noah right now. Noah came to see him. So why is he here with me?

I want to hug him, press my body against his and feel his warmth.

But I can't. And I don't understand why.

Gently moving my legs from the bed, I lower myself to the floor, needing to find a T-shirt or a jumper, anything to cover myself with, but try to remain as quiet as possible so I don't wake him up.

Spotting my Nirvana T-shirt hanging from the chair underneath the window, I gently rise to my feet, slowly padding over to grab it and slide it on.

Looking over at his sleeping body, I can't help but also feel thankful he's here with me. No matter how guilty that makes me feel. He's with me. He wanted to be with me.

He didn't leave me.

He didn't need to be saved.

"Pretty boy?" Jae mumbles. He's still half asleep, so I place my hands over my mouth and stand as still as possible, hoping he'll fall back to sleep. When I can hear his light snores, I breathe.

I want to get back into bed with him, I want to be in his arms, but with the state of the room right now, I know I won't be able to settle. I can't distract my mind from the endless piles of clothes and paper scattered across the floor, amongst other things.

When I realise he's gone back to sleep, I start to pile things up as quietly as I can. Throwing the clothes into one corner of the room and creating a pile of everything else. As I go to lift the posters from the floor, I realise the endless amounts of ripped paper underneath.

No, not paper.

Letters.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What did you do, Dax?

I was so overwhelmed and lost in my mind I ripped up the most important things to me. The letters Jae wrote to me and the letters I wrote in return.

I've never hated myself as much as I do at this moment.

I feel sick to my stomach. Disgusted with myself. Angry.

Frantically searching everywhere in the room for tape, I manage to find some underneath my bed – the only place I left untouched. Thank fuck.

No longer caring about being quiet or not wanting to wake Jae up, I run towards the table lamp on the unit next to the bed, pulling the cord as far as it can go so the lamp is next to me on the floor as I frantically start my attempt to tape up every letter one by one. Some are more ripped than others, so I start with the ones easiest to tape back together first.

"I'm a fucking idiot."

"I'm stupid."

"I don't deserve anyone or anything."

"Why didn't I think before I did this?"

"I destroy everything."

I don't notice how loud I'm cursing myself until I spot Jae sat at the edge of the bed out of the corner of my eye.

He isn't saying anything, he doesn't need to. If I was to look at him right now, I would probably be able to see it on his face.

And so, I ignore that he's sat watching me and continue taping the pieces of paper back together.

I'm too scared he'll agree with the words coming out of my mouth.

I continue the verbal assaults on myself until I find it hard to breathe and my voice starts to break.

Instead of words of anger, they turn into words of pain.

"I don't understand why I do the things I do sometimes."

"I don't understand what's going on in my head."

"I feel like the world is against me and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I have to keep on fighting it."

"I don't understand why people love me. I don't deserve to be loved. All I do is cause pain."

I stop when I feel Jae's arm around my waist, pulling me into him, his strength pulling me back so I'm now sitting in his lap.

"It's okay to be angry at the world. Just please let me hold you while you do it," he says softly in my ear as he kisses my cheek.

"I don't know if I'm angry at the world, all I know is that I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my mind and the way it works, I'm angry at the way I handle things without thinking. I'm angry at the way I don't understand why I am the way I am. The way I'm different. The way I see things differently, do things differently. None of it makes any sense to me. I feel as though I'm in a constant battle with myself. One I'm not sure I'll win."

He brings me in closer. His warmth and smell invade my senses.

Home. Home. Home.

"I just feel so angry and sad all the time. But most of all, I feel confused. Why am I so different from everyone else? Why does no one else feel this way?"

He gently presses a kiss to the back of my head.

"Yes, you're different. You could stand in a room full of people and my eyes would find you every time. You're so used to not being seen, yet to me, you're the brightest star. And you know what, pretty boy? That's what I love about you the most. You are different, thinking differently or acting differently never meant anything to me. Every single thing you did made me fall more and more head over heels for you. You're not going to win the war in your mind alone, because I'm going to be here, fighting it with you. Every." Kiss . "Step." Kiss . "Of." Kiss . "The." Kiss . "Way."

He turns my body gently so I'm looking into his eyes.

"Pretty boy, you still call me that. Why? I'm ugly. I hurt people. I break things."

"Ugly? You're far from it. No one is ugly. And you, are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. You don't believe it for yourself. But that's okay. I'll believe it enough for both of us, because it's the truth. And if all it takes for you to believe it again, is me telling you everyday, it's the least I can do."

"But what if you get sick of me? What if I get too much? Is that why Noah came? Do you need to be saved?"

Did I really say that out loud?

"Is that why you panicked? You felt I needed to be saved?" I can hear the hint of sadness in his voice as he puts his hand underneath my chin and tilts my face up towards his. "Please look at me, Dax. I was saved on the field because I needed to come back here. I needed to come back to you. My body was fighting because I needed to come home. I don't need to be saved from you; I need to be with you. It's always been you. It will always be you. No matter the way you think, the way you feel, the things you do. It will always be you."

I scramble, collecting the rest of the pieces of paper I was in the middle of taping.

"Let me help you with those." He picks up one of the pieces of paper, scanning his eyes over it. "What are these?" he asks with tears in his eyes.

I start to panic. Quickly trying to pick them up so he can't see the rest.

"They're the letters, I'm so sorry, Jae. I didn't know what I was doing, I wanted everything gone. I didn't mean to rip them up. I was trying to tape them back together; I'll tape them all back up I promise."

"But this one says ‘Love, your Dax.' at the bottom. I didn't get this one. I remember every letter you sent; this wasn't one of them." His voice trembles.

"I didn't stop. Even when I told you to, even when I said I was going to. I couldn't stop. I just didn't send them anymore."

And I burst into tears.

As does he.

He pulls me closer, and we sit in each other's arms in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of happiness.

"Can you read them to me?" he asks, wiping his face with the back of his sleeve.

"I don't know if you haven't noticed, sunshine, but they're all ripped up. I'm so sorry, I'll try to tape them back together."

He pulls me from his lap, so I'm no longer sat on top of him, but I'm now sat next to him. He quickly stands, walking over to the light switch on the wall, turning on the larger light in the room, and comes and takes a seat back next to me on the floor.

He looks at me with softness in his eyes and his smile tells me everything he's thinking in his head.

He didn't need to be saved. He's here. He's not going anywhere.

And he speaks softly with admiration and love. "Come on then, let's tape them up."

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