Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

TORIN

It’s almost two in the morning when we get to Hugo’s house. I’ve never been kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve before. I’m still floating on the clouds. It feels like I’m living in a dream. How many people can say they haven’t fantasized about a romantic moment between them and a partner, kissing under fireworks or at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

I got to live that. I’m still living it.

Being kissed at midnight isn’t really the most memorable thing. Being kissed by Hugo is what made my heart race. The way he looked into my eyes and said, “I’m really excited to spend this new year with you.”

He’s turning me into a sap. I’m going to melt into a puddle of goo at his feet.

I’m equally tired and exhilarated. This feels like a new beginning. The beginning of forever. Like I’m untouchable. We’re untouchable. Even better is that we have an entire forty-eight hours together. Just the two of us. No hockey. No commitments. Just us.

As we share the bathroom while we’re getting ready for bed, Hugo doesn’t stop talking. He’s excited. Not about anything specific. Just for life. I’m excited for life now, too. No longer just coasting by. When I’m with him I find I’m smiling more than I’m not. His enthusiasm and how he sees the world is unique. It’s sweet.

We climb into bed. Naked, of course, because Hugo doesn’t like clothes and I like his skin against mine. He flicked the television on when we came into the room so its electric glow illuminates us, flickering shadows and colors all around. The volume is so low that it’s nothing but hushed murmurs.

More often than not, Hugo likes to lay on me. Not completely on top of me, but partially so his body is half draped. Like I’m the big spoon. There’s something about it that I absolutely love, though I’m not entirely sure what it is. I feel bigger even though I’m definitely not.

“I love this,” Hugo murmurs, his fingers gently soothing over my skin.

“Me too.”

“I love how you fit with me.”

I kiss his head, letting my eyes drift shut. His words just add to the euphoric mix of emotions that sit full of warmth in my chest.

“You’re just… perfect.”

I huff. “I’m definitely not perfect.”

“Yes, you are. You’re the perfect shape and size and definition and weight. Everything.”

My eyes roll behind my closed eyelids. “Not true. I’m pretty sure I’m underweight for my height.”

He pffts. “I don’t care what doctors’ statistics say. You’re exactly right.”

“Thanks, Hugo.”

It’s not enough that I accept his compliment though. He proceeds to list all the things he loves about me. “I love your hair—it’s so soft and pretty. I love how it frames your face and when you’re feeling shy, you let it fall forward so you can hide behind it. You have the most beautiful, unique eyes I’ve ever seen. I could stare into them all day. I love, love how tall you are. You’re almost perfectly my height and I can hug you exactly right. I can kiss you easily and eagerly. I love the shape of your lips and your ears and the length of your neck.”

He kisses my neck and then nibbles at my collarbone, sending a chill down my spine.

“I love this spot, so pronounced and sensitive. I love your hands and how they are the matching puzzle pieces to my own. You have muscles, but they’re not as pronounced as mine. They’re beautiful lines that I love to trace. I love how long your legs are and how they wrap around me.” His hand drops between my legs, cupping my groin. “I love your cock. It’s such a perfect, respectable length. Not grotesquely too big.”

I laugh.

His mouth turns to my jaw as he kisses me. His smile evident in the way his lips move over my skin.

“I love your laughter and your smile. I love your quiet voice and how shy you are. I love how much you blush and how hot your skin burns.”

Ugh. Talking about it makes me blush and I cringe.

Hugo smiles bigger. “I love your knowledge of things. Everything and anything. You always have a suggestion or an answer. I love how strong you are, knowing your strengths and fighting through your challenges every day. I love that no matter how many hurdles the world throws at you, you’re still out in it. Dancing in front of 15,000 people and making them smile. Making them cheer. I love how brave you are, knowing how much I love my friends and always coming with me, even when I think it’s hard for you. You don’t always have to be brave. I’m happy to stay home with you and not go out all the time.”

While it started with my appearance, it ends up encompassing everything else about me, too. I’m not sure if it’s his words or that my heart’s longed to hear someone say these things to me and mean them, but I’m almost crying by the time he stops talking.

I hug him tightly, wishing I had words to express how much every single thing he said touches me. Every insecurity I have, Hugo mentioned. But not in any way that could be described as anything other than affectionate. Fond. Even admiring.

“Thank you,” I whisper, trying to hide my tears.

Hugo sighs. His arm wraps around my middle and he hugs me in return. “I think you’re the best thing that’s happened to me, Torin.”

I sniff. “Since hockey?”

He shakes his head. “No. Hockey is only a temporary thing. I will grow out of it eventually. Or I suppose more accurately, it will leave me behind. You are different. We can grow together. I want to keep you forever.”

Yep. That does it. I can’t fight the tears that leak out of the corners of my eyes and run into my hair. I wrap both my arms around his shoulders and squeeze him with every ounce of strength inside me.

The words are on the tip of my tongue, I so desperately want to say them. I want him to know. But I’m scared. Even with everything he just said, and knowing it’s not the kind of person Hugo is, I’m still terrified that if I tell him I love him before he’s there, he’s going to leave.

The word ‘clingy’ comes to mind. I don’t want to be that person. And I don’t want to do anything to make Hugo leave me.

“I want that too,” I manage to say. “I want forever.”

I try to keep the tears in. Try to stop them. But my heart needs them and he just hit something deep inside me. I can’t stop the tears. I’m not sobbing, it’s not those kinds of tears.

Hugo leans up on his elbow and looks at me. His eyebrows knit together in concern. “Did I hurt your feelings? I’m sorry?—”

“No,” I cut him off quickly, wiping my eyes with the palm of my hand. “The opposite. Knowing you think those things about me is…” I shake my head, unsure how to express how it makes me feel. “It means so much to me.”

Hugo’s hand moves up my body and he wipes a tear away. “Maybe you need to be told more often, but I don’t like making you cry.”

I take a deep, shivering breath as I gather myself. “It’s okay. They’re happy tears.”

He’s skeptical, but nods. His body drags up mine a little more so when he lays, his face is tucked into the side of mine. I take another deep, cleansing breath and concentrate on the heat from his skin seeping into me.

We’re quiet for a while. The only sound is that of the television, barely audible in the silent room.

“What’s your favorite food?” Hugo asks.

I grin. “My grandmother’s lasagna. I can follow her directions, but it never comes out the same.”

“Mmm. That sounds good. I think my favorite is anything from Antonio’s. I’d choose it every time.”

“I think I could’ve guessed that. ”

His smile presses against my cheek. “Would you rather fly or breathe underwater?”

“Oh, fly. Definitely. I could get anywhere all on my own.” I’m not sure what’s made Hugo start with random questions but I appreciate the break from my emotional dump.

“I think I would too. But it would be so cool to see the depths of the ocean that no one else has. Would you rather be on the ocean or on top of a mountain?”

“That’s hard. I don’t like to climb, but I think the views on top of mountains are just breathtaking. Maybe I could see the ocean from there, too.”

Hugo sighs. “I think I’d choose to be on the ocean. I’ve been on a boat twice. Once when I was little and once… you know, I can’t remember the reason or when. I just think it was some time when I was a teenager.”

“I feel like I would get seasick.”

“On the big boats, unless it’s stormy weather, people rarely get seasick. But there are a lot of remedies if that happens.”

“That’s good to know.”

“Does that make you change your mind? Would you rather be on the ocean now?”

I chuckle. “No. I’m still choosing the mountain.”

He hums. A sigh follows. “I really hope I’m invited to the gay cruise this year. Oh, wait. I don’t mean gay cruise. I mean the Gays Can Play cruise that my friends go on. Does it still count if I’m not really gay?”

“Yes. You don’t have to be gay to be a part of that group.”

“How do you know?”

“Half of those athletes aren’t gay. They’re bi. Or pan.”

“How do you know that?”

I grin. “I follow a lot of them on social media. I’ve also read and watched interviews with them. Sometimes, it’s easier to just go with the ‘gay’ label than it is to constantly correct people who don’t give a shit. All they see is two men together. To them, it’s black and white. I imagine it gets exhausting having to constantly correct someone.”

“I don’t know why it even matters.”

“It shouldn’t. But that’s not the world we live in. ”

Hugo is quiet for several minutes. “If I don’t get invited, want to go on a boat with me this summer?”

“Definitely. But those motion sickness remedies you mentioned? We should bring some just in case.”

He laughs. “Yes. Definitely. Sometimes I get queasy too. Do you want to go on a big boat?”

I hesitate before saying, “Do you mean like a big cruise ship?”

“Oh no. Not at all. There are far too many people on those ships. Some of them even have kids. I’m good, thanks. Besides, they have predetermined destinations. I kind of want to just explore and see what we find.”

I can’t tell if maybe he’s just saying he doesn’t want to go on a big cruise because he knows I won’t like all the people, or if he really feels that way. I’m going to have to figure out how to see the difference between when he doesn’t actually want to do something or if he doesn’t want to do it because he knows it’ll make my anxiety peak.

“I’m thinking a big-ish boat so it’s not constantly rocking in a way that’s ridiculously noticeable, but not so big that it’s a waste of space for just us.”

“Do you know how to operate a boat?”

“Not at all,” he says, laughing. “It’ll have to be a boat with a captain and maybe a small crew. If that’s okay.”

“It’s perfect.”

“Really?” Hugo leans on his elbow again to look at me. This time with a huge, beaming smile. “You want to do this with me?”

I nod. “Yes.”

His excitement practically radiates off him in waves. “Awesome.” His mouth comes down on mine and he kisses me deeply before laying back down again. “What kinds of places do you want to see?”

“Historical places. Like where the pirates supposedly buried treasure. Some caves, maybe? Oh, and ruins!”

“Maybe we can rent a pirate boat!” he exclaims.

I laugh. “That would be awesome.”

“We can learn to sail with them. And maybe climb up to that bird lookout thing. What’s it called?”

“Uh… it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t remember. ”

“We’d be giving up a lot of luxuries, though. Like a proper kitchen and probably plumbing.”

“Which is more important to you?” I ask.

He sighs. “You know what? We can totally do both. I haven’t committed to much this summer. Just to see my family for a bit. So, we can spend a week on a pirate boat and then go cruise around in style.”

“Pirate experience and spoiled guy experience.”

Hugo laughs. “Exactly. But to be fair, pirates were rich, too. Just because they stole their wealth doesn’t mean they were any less spoiled.”

“That’s fair.”

We spend the rest of the night talking about this summer. The adventures Hugo wants to go on. Visiting his family. The couple commitments he’s made for hockey and with his agent. All of which he wants me by his side. He wants me to experience everything with me.

He falls asleep just as the sun begins to come up and a bright orange glow settles around the room. We’re curled up funny with his arm between my legs, curling around me and keeping me wrapped against him with his face in my chest. I run my fingers through his hair as he sleeps, my eyes heavy as I watch the first rays of the morning touch us.

“I love you,” I whisper.

Hugo sighs in his sleep.