Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

HUGO

“That was stupid,” I mutter at the screen as one of my virtual teammates walks right into the spray of machine gun fire. Why do I even play this game?

“Hugo?”

“Hmm,” I answer Winny.

They’re all over my house today—Winny, Noah, Atty, and Egon. No husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends. Just the five of us. I’ve missed this.

“You all right?”

Frowning, I pause the game and twist to look at him. “Why do you keep asking me that? What do you need me to say so you believe that I’m fine?”

“We hear your words, but you’ve been very… different this last month,” Noah explains.

“How so?” I ask, shifting so I can lean against the coffee table to look at him.

“For starters, you haven’t asked a single question that’s made us all wince,” Noah says.

I sag a little. “I’m trying to do better.”

He gets up and crawls across the coffee table to land on the floor next to me. Noah leans in, resting affectionately against my back. This is as close to a hug as Noah gives and makes me smile .

“I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean you’ve been really quiet lately. You rarely come out with us.”

“You haven’t been to my house in over a month,” Winny says. “You really sure you don’t mind me seeing Dana?”

“What kind of friend would I be if I changed my mind now?” I challenge.

“You’re a great person,” Winny insists, “and I’ve always been of the mind that you’re kind of self-sacrificing, so I wouldn’t expect you to tell me if it did bother you if you thought telling me it didn’t would make me happy.”

I’ll be honest. He’s not wrong, I probably would. “Fine. But that’s not the case. I really don’t remember Dana and I kind of feel like a shitty person for not remembering her. It’s one thing that I don’t remember bringing her to Atty’s when I remember so much of that afternoon because we were getting to know Coach, but you said we hung out with her several times since and Winny, I don’t remember her!”

He grins. “It’s not a big deal.”

“But it is. What kind of person am I that brings a date somewhere and can’t remember her?! It’s super shitty.”

“She doesn’t care.”

“She says that, but how do you think it makes her feel?” I demand.

He doesn’t argue, so I think maybe he understands what I’m trying to say.

“It’s not just that. You’re all coupled up and I’m not, so it feels weird being the lone wheel when you all have your people with you. Not because of anything you do, but it just feels like… I’m not…” I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say right now. I rub my face and drop it onto the table I’m leaning on.

Noah’s arm wraps around me and yep, they feel bad for me now. Great.

“I’m sorry,” Atty says. “We didn’t realize?—”

“No, don’t,” I argue, picking my head up. “I want you to be happy. I’m happy you’re happy. And I love that you all found someone to love. I just… don’t fit in with the couples sometimes. When it was me, and Atty and Winny, it was different, but then At ty met Toby and they got married and now that all of you are with someone… I just feel out of place sometimes. That’s all.”

“So when you hesitated in hanging out until I said just the five of us…” Winny says, “that’s why.”

It wasn’t the only reason why. Torin was here and I don’t think he’s ready to hang around with everyone when so much attention would be on him. But he heard the conversation and insisted he needed to go home for a while, which I don’t think was the truth.

“You used to bring girls with you,” Egon adds. “I haven’t actually seen you take a girl home in quite some time.”

I shrug. “Haven’t been into it.” Their silent stares say they expect more than that. I sigh. “Okay fine. I… have been talking to someone.”

All four faces flash big smiles my way.

“Hugo Bladen talking to a single person!” Noah exclaims.

“Well, not exactly.” My skin flushes under their scrutiny. “Two people, actually. I just… it feels different with them both and I kind of like the way they both make me feel, and I’m not sure how to choose.”

“Who says you need to choose?” Egon asks.

“Don’t I?”

“No,” he says, laughing. “You know the Buffalo trio? They really are three men together in real life. Not just on the team.”

Oh. Yeah, I hadn’t thought about that. “What if they don’t want to be in a three-way relationship? That’s probably not what they’re called, huh?”

Noah laughs. “They prefer thruple, but at least Ethan would find the humor in three-way.”

“I forgot you’re friends with them,” I admit, shifting to look at him a little better.

Noah nods, shrugging. “We’re gay. That means we’re all friends.” The way his eyes are hooded, and the tone of his voice means something. Especially when Atty snickers.

“He’s being facetious,” Winny says. “It’s a comment on how the professional leagues push all the ‘gay guys’ together and parades them around like trophies of inclusivity.”

“Huh.” I look at Atty. “They do that to you too?”

Atty nods, shrugging. “Less than they’d like, I think. L.A. is quiet as far as broadcasting their inclusivity for the LGBTQIA+ community is concerned. Their focus is hockey.”

“As it should be,” Noah says.

Atty nods again. “Buffalo’s PR guy is a treat, from what I understand. He was incensed when Caulder refused to make some big speech or conduct a whole bunch of interviews when he came out. This guy was apparently super irritated when Caulder said he wasn’t going to be involved in the ‘Gays Can Play’ initiative.”

“Why?”

“Caulder’s stance is that he just wants to be an athlete,” Noah explains. “Not a gay athlete, just an athlete.”

“He knows it’s important to see successful gay figures in all walks of life, it was very important to him growing up. We went to college together; we played on the same hockey team. I remember how upset it made him when he announced he was just signed with Rigo of Pride Sports and the first question thrown at him was ‘isn’t that the agent that just signed the gay football player?’ I get it. Can you imagine just being the gay hockey player to someone? That what they remember most about you is your sexuality?” Egon says, shaking his head.

“That really happened?” I ask, appalled.

Egon nods. “I was there. Caulder told me first. A couple teammates came in and when Caulder shared his news, that was the first question asked. The first comment. I think it felt more like a blow to Caulder than it did a huge milestone when that’s the reaction he received.”

“That’s awful,” I say.

“The life of a queer,” Noah mutters. He’s still leaning against me. He even rests his head against mine.

“That’s what you deal with? All the time?”

“Eh,” Atty mutters. “It’s getting better. However, I think we’re all very aware we live a life of privilege. You’ve seen the media vultures that circle us. In a way, it’s worse than just living an anonymous life. On the other hand, we have very loud friends and big franchises supporting us. Not everyone does. Not everyone has family support, even.”

“This is horrifying,” I say.

They chuckle, but all I can think about is Torin. He’s gay. He told me so. Does he go through this? The idea that he does makes me sick to my stomach. It’s bad anyway, and no one should have to face that for being attracted to whoever they are. Plus I know he has such bad social anxiety, I bet those voices and sneers don’t just cut like knives, but slam like a wrecking ball.

“Where did you just go?” Winny asks.

I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the horrible images. “Sorry. I just… I’ve been hanging out with Torin lately. He’s single and I don’t feel like a third wheel. And he’s super nice and he doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’m so glad he lets me be his friend. But I was just thinking… all that sounds awful, and I can’t imagine how much worse it feels when you deal with anxiety too.”

Noah chuckles. “Believe it or not, I haven’t faced the two scenarios together. My anxiety is different from Torin’s, but in a lot of ways, it’s the same. Mine tends to be reserved for large crowds of strangers. Torin can be triggered by even a single breathing person. I can’t imagine how he survives. I wouldn’t have taken him onto the dance floor if I’d known.”

“He didn’t panic,” I note.

“He didn’t, but he was on the verge. I recognized it because I’ve lived it. That’s when I realized I’d made a mistake. It was better to work him through it right there than it would have been to try to bring him back through the crowds when he was succumbing to his panic. It can feel like the walls are closing in on you,” Noah explains.

I sigh. “I just hug him,” I admit. “I’ve never felt so helpless as the time I saw him start to panic. I didn’t know what to do or who to call, so I just hugged him so tight, I might have bruised his ribs.”

Noah grins. “That can actually be a very good technique. One of the things that is recommended for people with high anxiety is a weighted vest or blanket. I don’t remember the science behind it, but there’s something about the weight that helps to settle you.”

“Really?” I ask.

He nods. “I have a couple different weighted blankets and a weighted hoodie. Actually, there’s a blanket in my car in case I ever need it. Just so you all know.”

“Noted,” Egon says and Winny nods.

“I didn’t realize you’d been hanging out with Torin,” Winny comments .

“Mmm,” I agree. “There was a day a few weeks ago when you were all going to dinner and meeting your people and I just felt… like I didn’t belong. I was watching you through the door when Torin stepped up next to me.”

Noah’s arm tightens around me again. I smile.

“I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said yes, and we’ve been having a good time.” I leave out the fact that we have sleepovers. And that we might have jerked off together the other morning in the shower together. I’ll save those topics for another day. “But I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to hang out with all of you. I do. And with your people. Maybe I was just feeling insecure or something.”

“As you were today when I suggested it,” Winny points out.

Well, Torin was also here. But I have a feeling I’d have felt the same way even if he wasn’t. So I nod and shrug. “Yeah.”

“We really didn’t mean to make you feel that way,” Noah says. “We’ll be more conscious about it.”

I sigh. “That’s not necessary. You should definitely want to spend time with your people. I get it. You don’t have to change your plans for me.”

“We won’t, but we’ll also make sure we make time when it’s just us,” Egon promises. “Just the five of us. Okay?”

I smile. “Thanks. I miss this.”

“Torin is welcome to join us too,” Noah says. “If he needs to slowly work up to all of us at once, we can do that. It was really brave of him to come to the club.”

“I wonder why he showed up at all,” Atty muses.

“I invited him. Maybe he was just making an effort to hang out with us because I told him we’d always like his company, but understand if he’s not comfortable,” I explain.

“Ah,” Noah says. “How about next time you invite him, we’ll go someplace less… overwhelming.”

I grin. “I think he’d appreciate that.”

“Good.”

“Want to tell us about the two girls you’re talking to?” Winny asks.

My stomach rolls and I’m not sure how to tell him that one of them isn’t a girl. It’s Torin. But I’m also not sure if I’m ready to say anything at all because I don’t know how Torin feels about me. I don’t want to be presumptuous. He’s never said he likes me.

We’re friends.

Sighing, I shake my head. “No. Not yet.”

“We’re happy to listen,” Atty says. “And ask you lots of questions.”

His smile is teasing, and I appreciate it. Because I’m always asking questions, and they tolerate me doing so. “Thanks.” Actually, I’m looking forward to talking to them about these two people. Just… not yet. I think I need to figure some things out for myself first.

Like if Torin might feel the same way I do.

And, you know, who this girl I’ve been texting with is.