Nine

Calvin

The kind of telescope Harlow's looking for isn't available in any of the stores in our small hometown, so we drive into Boise on the weekend. It's an hour-long ride, and to my surprise, Harlow plays Christmas songs on the radio for most of the drive. He keeps the volume low in case I start talking, but I don't.

The truth is, I feel a little uncomfortable right now, just like I did the day after he gave me that blowjob, but it's worse this time. I just don't know what to say to someone who's seen me like that. Jesse and I didn't really talk afterwards, except for him to insult me and give me massive self-confidence issues.

But Harlow's just so…chill about everything. Other than Jacklyn. I bet I could be the worst lay he's ever had, and he wouldn't tell me. Which is strange since the whole reason I started this was to get an honest second opinion. I just didn't realize Harlow was damn nice.

"You're really quiet today," Harlow says as we pass another mile marker along the interstate. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." That's another thing I didn't count on—the way Harlow's attuned to other people. I'd noticed how he seemed to know everyone and what they were doing back in high school, but I'd thought it was a popularity thing. I didn't realize it was a part of his personality.

"You sure?" Harlow asks. "Because I want to make sure last night wasn't too much."

My face warms. I'm guessing that's not something he asks everyone he ever invites over. "No, there was no problem with last night."

He's quiet for a second, and I keep my stare focused out the windshield. I hate this. I don't want to make things awkward between us.

After a minute of silence, Harlow says, "Your ex was one hundred percent wrong about you."

His voice is low, heating my blood at a dangerous speed. I do my best to push the thought aside.

"You can't really know that," I say, relieved my voice doesn't show what his words are doing to me. "We haven't slept together."

"Cal, I can tell you right now that he's wrong." He flips the turn signal on and slows the truck as he takes the exit for Boise. "You chose me because you knew I'd be honest with you, right? Well, I'm being honest right now."

I should be relieved to hear this, to learn that someone with experience like Harlow thinks Jesse was wrong. So why does it make my stomach twist?

I clear my throat. "You must think this is pathetic."

"I don't," he replies, easing to a stop at a red light. "You were with an asshole who fucked with your self-confidence. It happens. It's human nature to not want to experience something so upsetting again."

"Were you this understanding in high school?" I ask.

Harlow laughs. "I'd like to hope so, but who knows? It's only been four years."

I glance down at my hands in my lap and risk bringing up the topic of his sister. "Jacklyn doesn't seem to have changed much since high school."

Harlow guides the truck into the parking lot of the store and kills the engine but doesn't make a move to get out of the vehicle. "If you want to ask something, ask it."

I swallow as best I can with the sudden tightness in my throat. But I have to know. After everything I've learned about Harlow over the last week, there's just too much that doesn't add up.

"You didn't copy your sister's paper back in freshman year, did you?"

The words fall like a weight between us, and I expect Harlow to shut me down like he did the last time I tried to pry about Jacklyn. But when he sighs, I realize I wasn't wrong about last night—about something changing between us. Harlow felt it too. Despite the short passage of time, we're forming something outside of what's happening between us in the bedroom.

"No," Harlow says finally, his voice loud in the silence. "I didn't copy her paper. She copied mine, and I…I didn't tell because she was my sister and she swore she wouldn't do it again."

"Did she?" I almost don't want to ask that. Jacklyn may be a little high-strung, but I always looked up to her in a way. The full-ride scholarship, the awards. She seemed to always know what she was doing. Maybe she did. But her plan was more about taking advantage of her little brother.

"Yeah. I wrote papers for her all through high school. I know I shouldn't have, but my parents…" He trails off, and that knot in my stomach grows.

"They knew?"

"Yeah, I told them. But you know my mom had so many miscarriages before giving birth to Jacklyn. They weren't even planning on having me. To be honest, I'm not sure they even wanted me."

"Harlow…" I can't even come up with words. My parents and I aren't super close, but I know they love me. They never would've let someone use me like that.

"It's not a big deal," Harlow says with a shrug. "It was just papers."

It's so obvious from the tone of his voice that it wasn't "just papers".

"I know I shouldn't still be angry about it because it was four years ago, but sometimes, it still digs at me."

"Of course you can still be angry about it," I say. "She's not sorry, and she still thinks it was okay, right?"

He doesn't respond, but his silence is answer enough.

"It's perfectly reasonable to still be upset about that," I say. "She's your older sister. She was supposed to be looking out for you, not taking advantage of you and making everyone think you would do something like that."

Saying that makes me wonder how different he was before that. Was he still in detention so frequently? Did he fight as much? How much of him changed from what his sister did?

Harlow clears his throat. "It's not a big deal. It was a long time ago."

"It wasn't really. It was four years ago." I wait as more thoughts flood my brain. "Wait, is that why you didn't go to college with everyone else?"

"It's probably part of the reason. Jacklyn and my parents told me I wouldn't get into a college with the cheating thing on record, which I learned later wasn't true." He pauses, staring down at the car keys in his hand. "You know Jacklyn's essay for her submissions were about overcoming the hardship of someone cheating off her in freshman year?"

Rage powers through my body like its own entity. What the hell is wrong with her? Who does something like that?

"It doesn't matter," Harlow continues. "I'm moving to California in a couple weeks, and she'll be flying back to New York. Hopefully, I won't have to see her again for a while."

"You should do something," I say. "Tell people what really happened."

"Why? It's not like it affects anything in my life now. It doesn't prevent me from getting a job or going to college, apparently. I'm not interested in trying to get people to believe that my sister has been lying all this time."

The injustice of the situation makes my blood boil. I want to do something, prove that Jacklyn isn't as great as people think she is. But Harlow's right; it won't change anything, and it would upset him if I got involved.

So I swallow all of that down because it's not what he needs right now. Instead, I reach out and lay my hand on top of his. "Well, I believe you. And I'm really glad you told me."

Harlow glances down at our joined hands, and when he looks back up at me, there's so much gratitude in his eyes. Almost like he thought maybe I wouldn't believe him. I know he's not upset about writing the papers—it's who he wrote them for. That person who should've been on his side more than anyone else.

"Thanks," he murmurs. And then he leans closer and kisses me. It's soft and chaste compared to the other ones we've shared, but I like it just as much.

***

When Harlow drops me off at the house I'm renting for December, I go inside and find Min stretched out on her bed, reading on her tablet.

I flop down beside her, and she tosses me a look for jarring her.

I want to tell her what Harlow told me about his sister, but as I'm leveraging up on an elbow, I catch sight of an empty chocolate ice cream container on the nightstand, which means one thing.

"Your family called?" I ask.

Min follows my gaze to the nightstand, then scowls as if she's mad at herself for letting me see that. "Yeah. My mom called to tell me Lina's getting married."

Her younger sister. I know Min and Lina were pretty close before Min went off to college, and all Min has told me is that Lina cut her off at the same time her parents and brother did. I'm guessing they were calling to let her know she wasn't invited, but I wait to let her say it.

Min presses a hand to her forehead and rubs harshly, as if she can force the thoughts out of her head. "Lina wants me to be there, but my parents want me to lie to everyone and say I'm going to med school. Mom made it really clear she's only doing this because Lina wants to invite me."

My stomach sinks at her words. I hate that she's going through this, that her family can't see how amazing she is. That Harlow's family can't see how amazing he is. I don't know why families have to be so complicated.

"Are you going to go to the wedding?" I ask.

Min chews on her lower lip before rolling onto her back and staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know. What would you do if you were me?"

"I don't feel like I can answer that."

She tilts her head up to glare at me. "Imagine you were me."

"I don't want to."

She reaches over and pinches my leg. "I don't know what to do, Cal. I don't want to spend an entire week lying to all my parents' snooty friends, but…it's Lina's wedding. I know she didn't really support me, but she's my sister. I don't want to be petty and miss out on something like this."

"Then don't," I say. "If being there for Lina's wedding is this important, maybe you can grit your teeth and get through it. You've survived worse. I mean, all you ate was cafeteria food your whole freshman year."

"Ugh. Don't remind me." She lets out a breath, then says, "I don't want to talk about it anymore. How was your date."

"It wasn't a date. We just went to get a gift for George, the boy in the foster system."

Her expression softens at the mention of George, but then she says, "I've seen the way Harlow looks at you. It was definitely a date."

"He's not interested in dating me."

"Oh, come on."

"No, I'm serious. We talked about it when we first—" I cut myself off as I remember I never told Min about any of this. As far as she knows, Harlow is just someone I knew from high school. She doesn't know why we started seeing each other again, and she still doesn't know anything about Jesse.

"First what?" Min presses. "What are you even doing with him? Because you're not the kind of guy who does random hook-ups, even if you've known the guy since high school."

"It's…complicated." I still can't tell her about Jesse. It's too embarrassing. I can't believe I told Harlow.

Min studies my face for a long minute before shifting her gaze back to the ceiling. "Fine. You don't have to tell me. Just be careful."

"I'm always careful." It's the truth. The only problem is, careful is what led me to being with Jesse. And that was one of the worst decisions I ever made. When I'm with Harlow, I don't have to be careful. I don't have to worry because despite everything, I trust Harlow. And even though we agreed to end this in January, I'm starting to think that letting Harlow go will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.