Chapter 22Janie

Chapter 22 Janie

It’s nothing, I told myself, for the thousandth time. But I knew I’d seen something behind the window. A flash of light. I stepped closer to look, my heart beating like a drum. I could only make out the faint outline of the bench by the deck. Everything I knew to be out there, the lawn and the bush behind it, disappeared in the blanketing night. I could make out the faint outline of the ferns against the sky, so subtle it only appeared after my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I held still, listening for any sounds, my limbs frozen with fear.

I couldn’t go to sleep like this. I couldn’t imagine ever sleeping again in this house. Not with both eyes closed. Not alone.

I was weak and pathetic, but I had no choice. Tears burning behind my eyes, I gathered my pillow and my phone and marched through the house.

Whatever the emotionally damaged Turk thought of me, tonight, he was my only option. He’d have to deal with me.

I knocked on his door. “Emir?”

“Come in.” His voice sounded a little strained, even through the door.

I found him in bed, under the covers, leaning on the headboard. Did he sleep in his dress shirt? I shook my head at the odd look, but fear had me in its grip, overriding other concerns.

I dropped my phone on the nightstand, threw my pillow on the bed and climbed in, burrowing under his blanket. “I’m sorry. I can’t sleep in there. I feel like someone’s lurking outside and I don’t even have a curtain for one of the windows. It’s creeping me out.”

A shudder ran through me, and I dug in deeper under the blanket, and closer to him. As I did so, my foot brushed against something. His leg. His bare leg.

“Are you not wearing pants?” I whispered, looking up. “Why do you have a dress shirt on?”

Emir shifted away from my toes, looking embarrassed. “I was in the middle of getting changed when I heard your knocking, so I jumped under the covers.”

I sat up, for the first time noticing his dress pants strewn across the bedroom chair. “You could have just asked me to wait.”

He frowned in his usual way, pained and earnest. “But you could have been in danger.”

“I promise, if I’m being chased by zombies, I won’t knock. I will barge in.”

“Okay, good.” His shoulders dropped as he held my gaze, and I watched the miraculous transformation. The frown smoothed and his mouth tugged. “You could also give me a heads up by screaming ‘zombies’ so I can get my flamethrower.”

My body flooded with endorphins, and I smiled back like an absolute fool, reveling in the miracle. Emir was smiling. He was smiling to make me feel better. For a moment, I held my breath, scared a sudden move might scare it away. But soon, I couldn’t resist. “Emir. You’re smiling.”

“I am.”

We’d been staring at each other for a while, and I could tell he was struggling to keep those lips curved. It was waning. I felt like I was witnessing the final moments of sunset as the last whispers of smile disappeared, leaving me with a warm glow.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “I feel so much better here, with you. I thought I could be strong but—”

“You don’t have to be strong, Janie. Not tonight.”

His voice was velvety dark now, perfectly in sync with the night. I felt it deep in my belly, like he was drawing everything out of me I needed to keep hidden. I wanted to curl up in his lap and weep, and I hated myself for it.

“If you want to get changed, go ahead. I’ll try to look the other way,” I said brusquely, throwing a grin at him. “I might be tempted to peek, but I can use this blanket to build a barricade between us.”

I started pulling the blanket off him, to pile it up in the middle of the bed, but he held onto his end. “It’s okay. I’ll just take my shirt off right here.” He began unbuttoning it.

He looked so awkward I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’d highjacked his bed and he must have felt obligated to let me stay, after a night like this, even though he’d rather sleep alone.

“Do you sleep in the nude, or…?” I felt my cheeks warm up.

“Not usually.”

“Then go get your pajamas. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

I snatched the blanket off him to get him moving, and that’s when I saw it. The huge, almost purple erection poking out from under the hem of his shirt like a big fat sundial. I stared at it, blinking.

Emir sighed. “As you can see, I’m already a bit uncomfortable.” His voice sounded matter of fact, almost apologetic as he unbuttoned the shirt, peeled it off and threw it over a chair.

He was officially naked. I was in bed with a gorgeous, naked man who had an erection—one he was no longer trying to hide. He looked down at his crotch, then at me, as if resigned to the fact that the cat was out of the bag. And what a large, thick, veiny cat it was.

Look away, Janie. Away. Away is not his crotch.

As I turned to stare at the door, my mind finally connected the dots. He must have been touching himself. I’d walked in on him masturbating, yet he’d still let me in, worried that I was in danger. It was unbelievable.

I brought my hand to my mouth, trying to stop the nervous giggle. “I’m so sorry! Were you…? Did I interrupt you…?”

“It’s okay,” he said. I felt the blanket shift as he pulled it up to cover himself again. “I was trying to keep it to myself.”

Heat bloomed between my thighs at the thought of him stroking himself. Up to this moment, I’d never even imagined him masturbating. Of course, he did. Everybody did. But Emir seemed so controlled it didn’t fit my image of him. Who did he think about? What did he look like when he came? What happened to that crease on his forehead? I needed to know all these things, and more. The feeling grew like a crazy tickle in my throat, one I couldn’t shake, and words coughed their way out.

“I know you don’t want to sleep with me, but I’d be happy to help,” I swallowed against the roughness in my throat, casting my eyes at the teepee in his lap. “I mean, we need to do something about that.”

There. I’d officially begged for sex. Good one, Janie. If there was a way to go even lower, I’d find it.

He gave me an odd look, his eyebrows twitching. “You think I don’t want to sleep with you?”

Was he for real? I stared back, my eyes dry from the prolonged gawking. “Well... I keep throwing myself at you and you keep turning me down.”

He let out a deep sigh, turning to face me. A vein pulsed on his temple as he searched for words, his gaze circling the room, then returning to me, sweeping down the loose hair that spilled over my shoulders, hiding the hardened nipples that tried to poke through the thin camisole, as the rest of me hid under the blanket.

“Janie.” His gravelly voice sent tremors through me. “What we should or shouldn’t do has nothing to do with what I want. I’m hard because of you.”

“Because of me?” I squeaked.

He shifted closer, pulling on the scrunched-up blanket until it was taut across our laps, and we sat side by side, him naked underneath, me in my pajama bottoms. As he pivoted to face me, his knee poked my leg and I caught sight of that erection again, partially hiding under the covers. “I’m sorry.” He raised his hand and brushed it down my cheek, his fingers curled, like he couldn’t quite bring himself to touch me. “I’m not practiced at this.”

“Me neither,” I admitted, turning to match his posture, my legs folded in lotus pose.

“How do you do that?” He gestured at the way I sat, trying to do the same while awkwardly pulling the blanket to cover himself.

It wasn’t even vaguely the same posture, his knees sticking up under the blanket, arms looped around them to keep from kicking me. Long, muscular, painfully stiff legs. Poor guy. Who was hard because of me. Had he meant to say that? The words vibrated in my body like aftereffects of a massage, releasing shiver after shiver. I never wanted it to stop.

“It’s a bed,” I said, biting my lip to keep from smiling too hard. “Maybe we can just lie down rather than try to sit up properly like we’re at a tea party.”

“Feels more like a Pilates class,” he grumbled, but accepted my suggestion.

I lay down on my side, leaning on my elbow, so I could see his face. “Why did you say you’re hard because of me?”

He turned to face me but avoided eye contact. “I saw you naked. It was an accident.”

My breath hitched as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. “When? How?”

Emir rubbed his forehead and blew out a deep breath before finally looking at me. “I was walking around the house earlier, to check the grounds, and I saw you coming out of the shower. I should have looked away… sooner. I’m sorry.”

My heart pounded in my ears. “It was you! The light I saw behind my window.”

He winced. “Probably. I’m sorry.”

“And I got so spooked that I finally just grabbed my pillow and ran to your room.” I didn’t mean it as criticism, only observation, but from the way he rubbed his face with his giant hand, groaning, I could see he took it that way.

“It wasn’t my plan,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to get you into my bed.”

I pushed that hand off his face, forcing him to look at me. “I know, Emir. I was already scared. I’m sure I would have ended up at your door either way.”

“I would have never tried anything.”

“I know.”

He swallowed and his voice turned darker. “But, now that you’re here, I can’t stop imagining all the things I want to do...” His hot breath grazed my shoulder as he leaned closer, his voice even darker. “Janie. If you have any doubts about this, you must leave. You’re not safe with me anymore.”

“I feel safe with you, Emir. And I want you. If we both want it, what’s the big deal?” I attempted a carefree smile, but I couldn’t shake the feeling he’d somehow transmitted into my brain, of this being a big deal. That if we slept together, everything would change.

He placed a kiss on my collar bone, letting out a frustrated growl. “I have a lot of self-control, Janie. At least I thought I did. Until I met you.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I whispered back. “Self-control is overrated, anyway.” I reached for his forehead, itching to touch that frown.

“You think?” He buried his face between the mattress and my hand, letting his fingers trace my shoulder, and slip down to my breast.

He wouldn’t meet my eyes, like he was embarrassed to be touching me this way, yet his hand kept moving, his thumb brushing across my nipple, rough and tender. Half of his beautiful face peeked from behind my hand, one brown eye begging for mercy.

I held still, terrified that he’d change his mind and pull away. I could feel his internal battle, yet I didn’t want him to stop. Part of me believed that if I could only make him lose control, something would shift. He’d begin smiling and singing on a regular basis and the world would fill with rainbows and unicorns.

I was an idiot. This man had set rules for himself. If he failed his own standards, he’d likely hate himself and hate me by extension. But my body had already decided, and it seemed my mind was happy to follow.

I wiggled my camisole over my head and threw it on the floor. “Touch me, Emir. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

He stared at my breasts, mouth ajar. “You’re so beautiful, Janie. It’s impossible to look away.”

“Why would you look away?” Smiling at him, I peeled off the rest of the blanket, exposing his toned chest. “I’m not going to.”

I ran my fingers down the hairy middle, down the narrow trail leading to the hard-on that, if possible, was even bigger than before. Holding his gaze, I wrapped my fingers around his length, eliciting a rough gasp.

“Janie. I…”

I gave him a good stroke, watching his eyes roll back. “What? Do you want me to stop?”

“No. But you must. Or…”

He removed my hand to catch his breath, and rolled me onto my back, holding his weight over me, his face inches from mine. “Janie. I don’t do casual sex or casual relationships. So, if you want this, you’re mine. You don’t date other guys. I don’t look at other women.”

“You can look, frowny face.” I smiled, rubbing my thumb on his forehead. “But I won’t date anyone else. How could I? You scare them away.”

I tried to hold onto my smile, to keep my tone light, but he wouldn’t have it. Emir’s dark eyes bored down into my soul, simultaneously chilling and heating my blood. Hot. Cold. I couldn’t decide. It was the strangest feeling.

His hand tightened around my arm. “I’m ready. I want to take the risk, even if I can’t see the road ahead. I want to believe it’s still there, and I’ll do everything I can to keep you.”

The words left my mouth hanging, and he kissed me, slowly and deliberately. Whatever I’d had in mind, it wasn’t this. I’d thought I could drive him over the edge, tease him until he snapped and fucked me against the wall, giving us both a moment of release, finally. But this man was after my heart, like he was preparing to not just have sex but… make love? Seriously? That hot cold feeling intensified, filling my chest. What did he mean he was ready? How was he going to keep me?

But as the kiss deepened, his tongue sweeping in to meet mine, I forgot my questions. And when his hand trailed down my belly, I forgot all the rest. He kissed my lips, then my ear and neck as that hand travelled further south. Brushing over my hip bone, he retreated, then made his way down again. My legs trembled from anticipation, and I fought the urge to push his fingers where I craved them. I knew he was teasing me, and it was working. I’d never been hungrier for more.

Lowering to snatch my nipple between his lips, he finally stroked across my pubic bone. Stars burst behind my eyelids, and I felt the surge of hot liquid inside me, rushing down to my core. A pulse of pleasure built up between my thighs, so sweet and perfect it pushed away everything else, not leaving behind a single intelligent thought. His fingers had finally arrived, teasing me lightly over the fabric. Diving between my pajama bottoms and panties, he drew circles through the soaked cotton, his touch as light as a gust of breath, and I arched my back, moaning from frustration.

“You like that?” I heard the smile in his voice, or maybe I imagined it.

“Yes,” I gasped, moving in sync with his hand like we were dancing, enjoying the way my body responded to everything he did. “Don’t stop.”

As I pushed against his hand, he drew back, but only so much, gradually increasing the pressure as my hips moved up to beg for more. The fingers kept moving, slowly and deliberately, like he could go on forever. Somehow, I believed he could, and the thought relaxed me further, my head sinking deeper into the pillow, my body surrendering, cell by cell. I was finally leaving my head, entering the sweet oblivion. Without the rush. Without the expectations.

It was just me and him, and the night. And I was safe.

Emir rose to my eye level, kissing my cheek.

“You’re perfect, Janie. So perfect.”

My heart squeezed, sending dangerous signals all over my body. He wasn’t only turning me on and taking me over the edge. He was disarming me. There was no turning back. I’d crossed that bridge some time ago, and now I’d follow this path to its very end.

Emir leaned on his elbow, his eyes roaming my bare breasts, dark and glassy, unhurried. “In my fantasies, you were always naked,” he murmured. “But you look even better than I imagined. So sexy.”

Holding my gaze, he slipped his hand inside my panties, finally his skin on my skin, gasping as he discovered the pool of slick and wet that had already formed. His relentless teasing had transformed me. If my usual aroused state resembled a landscape of dewy grass, this was the wetlands. “Oh, Janie.”

He tugged the waistband a little lower, then over my buttocks. “This sweet ass…,” he panted into my ear. “Let me see you.”

Pulling my pajama bottoms and underwear down to my knees, then completely off, he lowered between my thighs, landing his tongue between my swollen folds. My pulse throbbed like a heavy drumbeat, drowning all other sounds. He pulled back, teasing and teasing, until I trembled all over. That light touch was so much better than any grinding I’d felt in the past, so careful and precise. Emir didn’t do anything sloppy, and I’d never appreciated it more.

I’d started this. I needed this. But how would I ever survive this? His thumb sunk inside me, and his tongue pressed once again on the nerve endings ruling my body. I felt the unstoppable force of orgasm gathering momentum. I cried out, tilting my pelvis at his face and grasping the crumpled sheets as involuntary dance moves took over. A wave after wave shook me, flooding my body with such intense pleasure I feared nothing would ever compare.

I took deep breaths, opening my eyes for a moment to confirm that yes, the ceiling was indeed spinning. As the pulsating settled into a breathable rhythm, I reached for him. Where was Emir? My hand landed on his arm, and I turned to face him, laying side by side just like we’d been earlier, eyeballing each other with nervous energy. Now, my eyelids dipped, and a dazed smile hung on my lips, every part of me relaxed, yet so alive.

“I lost touch with reality.”

It was an experience I’d cherish for the rest of my life. Dating was awkward. Everything was hard work. But these moments with Emir were easy and light.

I pushed him onto his back and stroked him, then took him into my mouth, enjoying the momentary power shift. Emir was mine, and I’d make him come. I’d highjacked his bed. It was only fair. Except as I touched him, the need between my thighs bloomed again, hollow and demanding.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered.

He pulled me up to his chest and rolled me over.

I couldn’t even fight back for show as he pinned my wrists against the mattress and lay half of his weight on me, nuzzling his rock-hard erection between my legs. It slid along slick skin and the pulse of pleasure traveled up my spine felt like a heatwave. He moved against me, holding my gaze, and a wobbly moan rose from my mouth. Oh, God. I could come again right here.

His eyes darkened. “I don’t have a condom.”

I blinked, feeling stupid. It had been so long since I’d slept with anyone that I’d evidently lost my sex license.

“No, wait! There might be one in the drawer.” I pointed to my left and Emir reached for the nightstand.

Before he’d moved out, Shaun had moved into this room, taking the nightstand with him. I’d never thought I’d be grateful for anything he did, but here we were.

“Phew,” he said, pulling out a strip of condoms. “I was prepared to run through the house naked.”

“No, you weren’t!” Laugh bubbled in my chest.

“Anything for you Janie. Even my dignity.”

I stroked him and the smile turned into a hungry look.

He’d been holding back, taking care of me, waiting…

“Take me, Emir.” The look I gave him held an open challenge. “Don’t hold back.”

Something in his eyes shifted. Darker. Hungrier. “You sure?”

“Positive.”

He turned me around, lifting my bottom up until I was on my knees, ass in the air.

“Oh my God, Janie,” he bit out, and I heard the condom wrapper, before he drove into me, emptying my lungs. Whatever control this man had held onto, I could no longer feel it. His hips pumped and he filled me again and again. The tightness in my core built up, releasing new ripples of pleasure.

I’d finally pushed him over the edge, and it drove me wild. I responded to each push with a moan, offering myself to him, yet losing myself in the sensation of absolute fullness.

“Janie, I can’t hold it.”

“Come, Emir.”

“Not without you.”

His fingers traced circles between my legs. Softer, then harder. I moved with him, chasing my second wave. When I heard his low growl and felt the pulse of his release inside me, my body followed, unraveling again. I felt it deeper, a hot wave that rose inside of me like magma from inside the earth.

He held onto my hips for a moment longer, locked into me, then eventually pulled away, letting me drop onto the mattress.

I sucked in breaths, trying to gather my fragmented thoughts. But my brain was mush. I wondered if the afterglow would last for days or weeks.

He discarded the condom and lay down next to me, pulling the blanket over us. With concerned eyes, he brushed a strand of hair from my face. “Was that too rough?”

I smiled. “I’ll be walking funny for a week.”

His eyes filled with regret. “I’m sorry. I… lost control for a moment.”

He looked so distraught and adorable I had to take his face into my hands. “Emir. That’s what I wanted. It was perfect.”

“Perfect,” he repeated, in disbelief, yet relieved.

Almost perfect. Maybe spank me next time. I wanted to say something brusque to lighten the mood. But his eyes were too soft, exploring me, his fingers playing with loose tendrils of hair, and something in me broke. I couldn’t put on a smile. I couldn’t deliver the clever lines.

“You took care of me like… no one ever has.” That was the truth, and it came out a little strangled as my eyes misted, making his face blurry.

“Don’t talk about me in past tense. I’m here and I’m not done with you.”

“You’re not?” I blinked away the stubborn tear, trying to smile.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be done with you, Janie.”

I stared at the mix of pain and awe in his eyes, feeling the same terrible cocktail in every part of my body. Emir had been clear about one thing. He didn’t do casual relationships. I’d skipped over that part, only processing half of what he was saying, storing it for later. And now it was later, and those words were back, pouring out of his eyes, straight into my soul.

I couldn’t think of him casually. Whatever I wanted to call this, it was too late to walk away unscathed. I was attached, tethered, dependent, and oh-so-satisfied. Maybe I could call it a fling later when the dust had settled. That would fall into some sort of socially accepted framework that made sense to other people. But it didn’t make sense to me. I’d always known we were more than that. We could go our separate ways, but would we ever be done with each other?

Hormones shift and fade, I told myself. You’ll recover.

“I don’t want to think about the future,” I whispered. “Not yet.”

His eyes burned. “I don’t want to think about the future without you.”

My phone beeped on the nightstand, and I reached for it, relieved for the momentary distraction.

“It’s Gus,” I said. “He wants to know if I’m ready to do the drone shots tomorrow. Apparently, there’s bad weather coming next week so this is our only chance.”

Emir’s eyes narrowed and he shifted closer, making me his little spoon. “Only chance? The weather changes five times a day in this country.”

I chuckled. I loved that he’d noticed New Zealand’s changeable ways. “I hope it’s not terrible all week. That’d be awful for Cem and Aria.”

“I’ve fixed the awning on the deck so unless there’s a hurricane—”

“Cyclone.”

“What’s the difference?”

“We only have cyclones on this side of the hemisphere. We can have typhoons…” I huffed at myself. Why was I educating him on all things New Zealand? “It doesn’t matter. Thank you for fixing the awning.”

My phone pinged again. It was Gus suggesting a time.

“Do I even need drone shots?” I sighed onto the screen. “I don’t want to get up at seven.”

“Why seven? Afternoon light will work just as well.”

I turned to him. “Really? I love you!”

The words collided with reality, instantly taking on a new meaning, and I froze. His hand on my waist froze. Nobody breathed for seconds.

“I mean…” I finally wiggled around to look at him. My unsure smile wavered. I couldn’t let myself go there.

“I know.” He buried his face in my hair.

We lay in silence, and he held me so tight there wasn’t room for words.

When my phone pinged again, he spoke in a darker voice. “I’m coming with you.”

I didn’t argue. That would have been pointless. Instead, I melted against his wide chest, enjoying the weight of his arm around me. The fear had vanished. He’d chased it away with his presence, his attentiveness, his… I stopped myself right on the cusp of another L-word, shaking from soft laughter. A couple of mind-blowing orgasms, and I was losing my mind.

Yet, I didn’t move. I made no attempt to distance myself from him. I listened to his breathing deepen as he fell asleep, enjoying the way he held onto me, even in his sleep. It was a fleeting moment, but I’d memorize it. I’d keep it forever.

My mind was a whirlpool of scary questions, my body loose and tender. But my heart glowed like a bioluminescent creature, lighting up the darkness around us, and I fell asleep thinking of him.